Transitions....

On Saturday, I will be heading north for the month. It will be great to be off the mountain, away from the rain, and just generally, with other people. I love it here and I love my friends, but mountain fever has set in and I really just want to get away for a bit. It will be great to see some friendly faces, some of whom I haven't seen in a LONG time... it will be nice to see them, and to meet new people who have a heart for India (after all, why would you give up your Christmas to come here if you didn't have at least a little place in your heart for these kids).

I can't wait to see what God is doing in their lives and what God will do while they're here.

When I return, life will be a little hectic for a while as, more than likely, I'll be moving into a different house. The story is a little complicated, so I won't bore you with it on here, but it hasn't been easy, and my roommate and I just feel that we'd both be better off in our own places.

If you could please pray for my family at home as they are going through things and my grandmother is ill, and just their health in general. Please also pray that if it's God's will for me to come home this summer that it works out. Everytime we get a little ahead, something comes up, so please just pray for that. I would love to be able to come home and watch my brother graduate, but I know that it may not be possible.

I keep waiting anxiously for a package that I know was sent 3 weeks ago. I would love to get a package, especially right before holidays, but we'll see how that works out.

If I don't get a chance to write in this again before Christmas, I hope you all have a very good holiday and remember the true reason for the season.

All my love,
Mel

Oceans....

Oceans in two senses: the ebbing and changing of life, and the literal ocean that separates me from home....

The first: ebbing and changing of life.... I've gotten back both my evaluations from Margaret and Pratap and I'm pleased with what they said. I know in one lesson they can't really see how my class operates, but I think they got the picture enough that they understood. The things they gave suggestions on are easy to improve. Pratap was very pleased with how the concerts went. He said he was apprehensive about how the concerts would go because there were so many new teachers, but he was very pleased. That's good to hear.

On Friday night we said goodbye to Cathy (one of the student teachers who was here). She left on Saturday to travel in India for a little while before going back to the states. Jenny leaves tomorrow. Margaret and Paul leave Wednesday. It's crazy. Two weeks from today I'll be up north for the break. It will be so good to get off the mountain.

::sigh::

The literal ocean: Friends are coupling, doing their senior recitals, getting married, having kids, getting jobs, buying houses, and I'm sitting here on top of a mountain. I love it here, but knowing I'm not settled is, well, unsettling. Wishing I could be home to see my family, to meet the new members that have come into the world, the one that will come in a few months. I would love to be able to be there. But then I have to remember: even if i was in the states right now, it would probably be June before I got to see her. Christmas I'd probably be able to see some people. But for the most part it would be June no matter where I lived.

I guess it doesn't help that I'm awful at updating. :-)

It's the last teaching week here at school, and I'm extremely excited. Concerts are over, my life is slowing down a little. I have a fridge and an oven at home on which to cook and store food. Life's moving up.

Have to go fix a xylophone, peace out!

Hi!

I will not be political. If you know me, you know where I stand, and that's all there is to it.

I will however say, that many actions of Americans have me saddened for our country. I have been bombarded with e-mail, comments, and just general webpages discussing the outcome of the election. hearing that people are scared to walk outside on their own college campus because of the result of the election is scary. Hearing someone say that if McCain had won, they were gonna smack a white person. It makes me sad to be American. The behavior from people on BOTH sides have me really glad I'm in India.

That is all I will say on this issue.

And that I'm praying for America. For its leaders. And its people.

"Great week" /end sarcasm

I wish I could say it's been a great week since I last wrote. I can't say it's been awful, because it truly hasn't been, however, it's been trying at times. Getting ready for RSM, trying not to die, not having a real weekend, getting sick on Saturday night, and just plain RAIN! I will not complain about it, though, as I've done my fair share of it recently. I always try to live in the moment and try to be where I am and no-where else, but with my mind, it's hard to keep it in one place, but that has been my challenge this week. To live the moment and be here fully. Afterall, the next moment is not guaranteed. Just because you wake up in the morning does not mean you will go to sleep that night. We should be thankful for all moments and live them each to their potential.

I haven't really had a chance to write, not did I really say too much last time I wrote, but I was contemplating the shortness of life. What brought this around? Well, apart from friends that have died in the last couple years, it is also about a friend of mine from elementary school in NY. She had cystic fibrosis, and passed away last Sunday (the 12th). I can't say we were extremely close, but we were definitely in classes together and sang in chorus together, and I can picture her in our kindergarten yearbook in Mrs. Freshauer's class.

I haven't received news from home in a good long while, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I tried to call home last week, but could not get through. I haven't had any news about Sky, so if you know something, please tell me. He's in my prayers and on the hearts and minds of some of my friends here as I've asked for prayers to be sent his way.

Also, if any of my family is reading this: E-mail me!!!! It's the most convenient way to stay in touch with me. I have to bring my laptop up to school in order to skype, and that's not always easy (especially in all this rain).

I did get some news today that I can't wait until it's time to share it! I know some people here read this, though, so I really shouldn't say for now, but it really makes me appreciate God's timing and grace.

Have a happy rest of the week and I'll get back to you guys soon!

Community

We were not created to live alone. We were not created to deal with death. We were created to live in community with eachother sharing our lives and everything we have. Sharing our hearts, our emotions, our mundane.

But in today's world, it is so hard to have that. People mess with other peoples' hearts. People don't think it matters what you do. People wonder why they always feel alone and are always searching for the next new thing out there.

Because we're not supposed to be isolated. We're not supposed to have to build walls just so we don't get hurt (again). We need to tear these walls down and build real relationships where we share with eachother, where we spend time with eachother.

I think one of the best parts of India is tea time. Where we all head to the staff lounge for tea/coffee, a snack, and conversation. Where we talk to people instead of sitting in our office, isolated from the rest of the school. I thoroughly enjoy talking to people, whether they're the same people I talk to everyday or someone I just happen to see every few days. It's good to hear how their work is going and to get out of "band world" for a bit.

It's good to step outside ourself and be there for a friend who needs us. To say "it might not feel good today, but it will pass". It's good to be able to say "well, we're all busy today, but November is right around the corner". To be there for someone else. This is one reason India has a leg up on the world. Most schools teachers get into the staff lounge after a huge day with too many students and gripe. But here, yea we gripe, that's true, but more often we go up there and we talk to each other like people. That's kind of nice.

This has no point. I'm really busy, and sometimes stressing, and sometimes crying over the dumb stuff, but even just the small breaks in the staff lounge are a great release and a chance to be a person amidst all the "teacher" that I have to be.

<3

Of Mice, Men and beaches....

I had a wonderful, relaxing, amazing, and refreshing three days at a beach called Varkala in Kerala. I pulled a muscle in my back on the first day, however, so I didn't go down to the beach after that day. I pulled it in the water (letting myself get pounded by waves and body surfing... you know, the good stuff), so it was well worth it. You may be like, "So why didn't you at least go sit on the beach?" Well, the beach is down a cliff, so you have to go down stairs. Sore back plus vertigo means a Melissa that isn't going to make it, lol. I'm only peeling a little bit after all the sun, and I'm so glad to be tan!

On the way back from Varkala, we had an overnight train. At one of the stations where we stopped, a man came up to the train window and tried to open the window. He was really persistant. It was quite scary. The mouse mentioned in my title has to do with the mouse that plagued our carriage. O, India. It was really nice to have hot showers at the beach, though!! (I still don't have hot water at my house)

Since being back I've done a bit of sleeping, ate at Tibb's last night, and tonight I think I'm going to Fay's before volleyball. It should be a good night.

It's RSM month, which means that I have to stay after school to wait for students to drop in. This means that there might be a whole lot of updates this month. :-)

I had my first "evaluation" as a probationary teacher today, and it went well. Pratap (my HOD) even said "good job" at tea this afternoon. That is quite refreshing. Any kind of observation makes me nervous and it's good to know the first one went well. We began talking about the spring trip today as well, and there is a possibility I'll be going to Bangalore again. :-)

Tomorrow we're recording the AMIS auditions, and if we're done in time, I'll go to CE. If not, I'm going home and going to bed.

Hmm... not much else going on in my life at the moment. It's retreating monsoon season now, so rain's come and are very heavy when they do. My clothes have been trying to dry for days and it's just not happening. I'm going to pull some of them in and put them in front of the fire tonight (I've gotten quite good at lighting a fire).

Keep praying for India and the persecution here. And pray for the missionaries throughout this country. Some you know, some you've heard of, and the many that we don't know.

I guess I'll write more some other time.

PEACE!

The pages of my book

There are few people here who know more than I've lived in NC, NY and NZ. Some know I have siblings, and some have no clue at all. Some know my parents are alive, and some don't care. But few, very few, know anymore than the surface stuff. My life is an open book, I just hide it in the corner. It's not on the bestseller list, and you have to want to find me to locate the shelf I'm on.

The pages inside may be torn, ripped apart, burned, cut, splattered with ink, and just generally awful, but I'd like to think that the cover is beautiful and the binding is strong. I never said it would be easy to read my book, I just said it was open.

Lately there's been a lot of mourning, unloading and fear going around. The impending good-byes coming up have some people close to me really worked up. We're not meant to have to say good-bye. We aren't meant to have to deal with death. We weren't created for it. But unlike so many other things, it is now the certainty of life. We will forever be saying goodbye. And this particular person had to say goodbye to someone close to them at a very young age, and is now guarded because she knows that eventually, she will be saying goodbye to everyone else.

Another friend of mine is scared to open her heart because of a recent past relationship. She gets giddy around someone but is terrified about anything past that. She is scared to open her heart up for fear it might be hurt.

But what are we doing if all we are doing is guarding ourselves? What are we doing when we build walls to keep people and pain out? It's one thing to learn from the past, but it's another to lock up your future. (A reflection a little later: Sometimes blood, sweat, and pain paint the most beautiful pictures. Just look at what the blood on the cross bought: Salvation and Lives for those of us here on earth).

In the past week I've revealed deep parts of myself to two people here. stuff that most don't care about. Stuff that I don't bother revealing in most cases, because too often, people define you by your past or make judgements that are unjustified. No matter how much I don't define myself by what's written on the pages in my book, other people don't see it that way.

Some people turn to the current page and look at the picture and see a fat girl. (Someone actually asked me about my weight in the staff lounge a few weeks ago). But I see someone who does not define herself by how she looks. I see someone who worked hard to be okay with where she is so that she is emotionally healthy. Who works to be fit even if that means she's not skinny. And I'm okay with that. That doesn't mean other people are.

There are many chapters in my book that deal with the eating disorder I battled for 10 years. But you don't know that looking at me. You only see what is in the now. Not the pain and obsession and starvation that for so many years was my life. And that's okay. You don't need to see everything. But you need to understand that every mark, line, color and gold lining on my cover comes from somewhere.

Every word in my book, has become some part of that cover. Whether it's the chapter dealing with depression or rape or sickness or love or moving to New Zealand, there is some aspect of it on the cover. It may just be the background that taints everything and makes the bright stuff look brighter, or it may just be the feather on the wing of the bird flying in the corner, but it's all there; somewhere.

So while the pages of my book may be awful and intimidating and scary looking and sometimes overbearing, it has made me into something with a beautiful cover. How hate and fear and depression turn into beauty, I don't know. All I know is that it is the grace of our God that has turned ink stains into beauty, and I pray that it never stops. That every little thing that comes my way, and every big thing that comes my way, and every person, just goes to making the picture brighter, more colorful, and more full of our Lord.

So busy...

It is now 2nd quarter. It's off to a rocky start. I understand that field trip kind of throws us off, but this means that most students have come back and haven't had a chance to practice. This leaves me with a dilemma: do i let them practice or make them suffer through the same thing they've already done? well. some students i let go practice, others i don't trust to practice, so they stay here. Lots of down time i guess. i'm not complaining, lol.

Other than that, it's going to be a busy quarter, and I can see that already. Tonight I have dinner with the vice principal about a retreat this weekend, and then volleyball. tomorrow i have a meeting with the bangalore team, dinner with bryan and then CE. Thursday i have a dept meeting. Friday and Saturday is the TD retreat. Sunday I'm doing the children's message.

next week, I'm not doing anything (except volleyball and CE). I decided.

and the next weekend is long weekend. Karvala here we come. :-) yay beach!

and the next is the CE retreat i think.

and the next is the so-ex presentations.

::sigh::

I wish I had more to say. But I don't really. I'm just realizing how busy life is getting and how it's going to be. I need to prioritize and really make myself stick to it. I can't do everything. I'm not superwoman, even if I want to be.

Off I go to see if kids are practicing. peace!

edit: I just wanted to let you know that I realized at coffee today that next weekend is long weekend... so, a week from tomorrow I am off to the beach... so excited... more tanning for me!!!!

Tan...

I have such a tan right now. It's amazing.

However, I'm also not currently in the best of moods so I'm only here to say that I got back from Bangalore safely.

Sometimes, you just get sick and tired of the same old thing.

Talk to you later.

Gone for a week...

So, this is my good bye for the week. I'm leaving in a couple hours to go to Bangalore with the students. I just went to the dish to get more medicine, and now I'm doing necessary notifications on the internet.

I feel as if I should be better. I was like death on Thursday. Seriously. But Friday, I felt much better. I spent Saturday in bed most of the day, only going out for a bit that night. And now today, I'm getting pretty close to how I was Thursday. ::sheesh::

I'll be back Saturday morning, and I'll try to update as soon as I can upon my return, but I might be dead in bed by that point, so we'll see. You should call me while I'm there!!! (feel free to, seriously). :-)

I hope you all have a good week and know that you're in my prayers each and every day. ((((hugs))))

Embrace....

... there are times when loneliness strikes... When you wonder about people at home. When you wish people were around to give you a hug, or just to see their face. Instead you get on facebook and pretend their pictures are looking back at you. You pretend they are there to give you advice or just to tell you some dumb joke.

And then you come back to reality where you're sitting in your office in India, grading papers and putting final grades into the computer so you can turn them in on time. Where you are fighting for your place and for respect. Where no-one knows you. Where when you need someone to understand, you don't have them, because pouring out your life story just so they can hug you the right way seems like too much.

So as I sit here, wishing I could see people at home and talk to them and, yes selfishly, wishing they wanted to see me, too, I remember that even if I don't have my friends and family at home, I have God. God's arms are around me all the time. He knows what He's doing even if I don't. He knows I feel lonely, and He's put wonderful people around me so that I have a reminder of Him. They may not know the whole story, but they know the me that is now, that is changing, that is growing, and that is more important than knowing my past.

I still wear the ring Mike gave me. I still can't bear to take it off. It will never be removed completely, just like his memory will always stay with me, but I know the time will come when it has to move to another hand. And that hurts. Saying goodbye "officially" is hard. And in time, I'll be strong enough to handle it.

::sigh::

Vertigo....

.... sucks...

I woke up yesterday feeling wierd. Whatever.

Took a shower in Yisu's room. Was walking back to my room, and the world spun. I thought "i should put on my glasses"... felt wierd all day....swooshing noises in my ears while i was teaching. "hmm"

Went out to lunch. HUGE dizzy spells every few minutes... whatever... maybe i need to drink more water....

got coffee in the staff lounge... dizzy spells more often...

"ill just sit around for a bit, teach my last lesson and then go to the dish"....

And that's what i did...

ladies and gentlemen, i have vertigo for the first time in my entire life, and it actually sucks a lot.

So today, Advanced band is going to do some listening and writing because playing actually makes the world spin.

The power of God

So, honestly, it's been a rough couple days for me. Emotionally, that is. I feel very out of it, and disconnected and just generally down.

That makes for a moody Mel. Not fun.

Today I found out that a friend of mine was found to have ANOTHER tumor in his brain (this equals 4). Two have had surgery on in the past (one almost 4 years ago, one last December). The other two have been found in this last month. It really makes me just want to curl up for a while. Escape the realities that are around me.

And then, I take Coco out after feeding him. The sky is bright pink and there is a rainbow shooting straight up into the sky. God's got this and so much more in His hands. I just have to have faith. That doesn't mean I have to be happy about my friend, just not worry.

::sigh::

Tomorrow is Friday.
Tonight, I've got dorm devotions and then the penryn family is going out for tibetan food.

I wish i just felt okay.

O well.

Shipments and unpacking life...

... my shipment came on Wednesday, and like a kid at Christmas, I opened it up and was excited to see most all of my stuff in tact. I have one thing that was broken, but it's not a huge deal. I'll be pulling out more stuff as the weekend goes on and such. But I do have my own comforter on my bed right now, so that's really nice. Tonight after the staff recital I'm going to pull more stuff out and rearrange my room. I still have painting left to do, but I really need to get it set up, and eventually, I'll actually start putting stuff in the drawers of my dresser. however, first I have to go buy eucalyptus oil to get the bed bugs out of the dresser. blegh.

I'm getting really good at making a fire. In fact, whenever i have a problem with it, it's more because of the wood being wet than me being incapable. which is good to know.

I had some revelations last night, but i guess I don't really have the energy to go into it right now. Maybe later.

Today, my heart is burdened by the persecution in Orissa....
http://journalchretien.net/breve14110.html

I litterally want to cry because of this.

In like a lamb, out like a lion...

August came in quite nicely. However, like the months that come in like a lamb often do, it's been a lion going on. Beautiful during the day, but heavy rain at night. Last night I got caught in some of these heavy rains on my way home. I was drenched by the time i finished my walk. Luckily the wood i had brought inside had dried out a bit, so it only took me 20ish minutes to start a fire and hang up my clothes to dry. They were all dry by the time I woke up this morning, and that is a huge blessing in itself.

Coco is still getting so big. I really need to get a day when the internet at my house is working so I can upload pictures.

But as for the moment, i'm feeling quite ill, so I'm going to get off here and finish this day up in hopeful quiet (that is, until my clarinet players come in.. ahh!!!)

Sorry I don't update often. I'll try to fix that.

Prayer request:
Please pray for the state of Orissa. pray for an end to the violence and destruction in Orissa. in the last few days mobs have attacked churches and homes of Christians, torched vehicles and stopped rail and road traffic. families of some of the students here have been affected.

A Prayer

Something I've been reading/praying/meditating on a lot recently is missions. And by this, I don't necessarily mean my involvement or future in them (though that is an essential part of why it particularly interests me).

I know so many people who have never been outside of their little corner of the world. They've never seen the different people, cultures, and backgrounds around them. The beauty that is inherant in everything, and they miss it. The people all around us that are broken and ignored. Even within their own communities.

You know I came over here with really no idea what I was doing, and without anyone physically in my presence that knew what I was about to go through. This made it just a bit more challenging, but in a way, has been a complete blessing. It's given me the opportunity to just kind of be open to where God's voice is calling, and allowed me to learn a lot already.

But it also makes me think of the people at home who have no idea what this is like. Who have no idea that there are people in Kernersville, or Rome, or Greensboro that are living in conditions worse and harder than what I live in (let me tell you, life here is much more plush than I would have thought). But that people are all around us and need our help. There are nations all around the world that need to hear the Gospel. There are souls that need someone to be willing to love them.

So I pray. I pray for those souls. That God can give them strength to hold on until someone comes to quench their thirst. I pray for the hearts of those people who will be the ones to bring the Spring of Life to them. I pray for my friends around the world who are blind to what is going on. And I pray for my church families, that they may realize that the world out here needs them. That we can't just sit in our respective communities and go to church on Sunday. We can't just drop vegetables off at our church family's doors; we have to drop them off to others as well. open our arms, our hearts, our minds, our souls, and our being to the people who just don't know.

As Christians, we are commanded to spread the Word. it's not a recommendation, it's not an option for a job, it is supposed to be our way of life. It is what we are supposed to do in and among everything else we do.

And this is why I cry sometimes.

Because so many people are being ignored right next to us, and far away from us. How often is missions or evangelism just a topic or a side note to a 'bigger picture'? How often do we actually sit down and read about what's going on? How often do we really think about the world and what is going on in it and WHY that is going on?

Why are people so scared of the Lord? Why is it that Christianity is the religion that is outlawed in different states around India and other parts of the world? Why are people against it?

Because it's true.

And the devil wants to stop it from spreading. Planting evil in government officials' hearts to stop the spread of LOVE. Planting fear in Christians so that we won't proclaim anyway. Planting struggles to try and turn us away.

And we let it happen.

And that's my prayer.

That we don't let it happen. That we do something. From whatever corner of the globe we are on and whatever field we work and play in. Where ever we are. That we do something.

That we love each other so much that we are willing to be REAL PEOPLE, and share our souls and our selves and our blessings.

That is my prayer.

Life ramblings and such..

I've been ill for about 4 days now, and it's really taking its toll on me. I layed down really early last night and went to sleep a lot earlier than normal. Tonight is going to be like that as well.

Even as I write that, I feel like I need to lay down right now. It really drains your body when you're ill.

But also, there's so much going on in my mind. I have this amazing friend that is always really supportive (and completely honest with me), so when I write entries like the one below, she just gives me the straight feedback, and I like that. I love knowing there is someone out there who is completely honest with me, and is such a great resource when I have questions.

Many of you will remember that before I left I finally accepted the calling God has placed on my life, but still wasn't exactly sure where it was leading. More and more I see that missions is going to be my "field". I just don't know yet if it will be on the state-side end of it, or permanently out in the field. It's okay. I'm fine with that. There's time between now and then to let God show me the way. All I have to do is step out in faith and listen for God's voice.

Through thoughts an prayers and just general searching, I've set a goal for myself to raise $1,500 for this December. $500 is for the plane ticket (therefore bypassing the train situation). The rest would be to feed me, buy Christmas presents for my friends and the rest a donation to their organization. I actually don't know where the $1500 number came from, but it seems reasonable. I'm not sure how to fundraise from thousands of miles away, so if you have any ideas, please feel free to send them my way!

All my love,

Missions Organizations

I've been blessed in my life to be a member of two church organizations: The American Baptist Churches, and the Southern Baptist Convention. Both have wonderful missions programs (or it seems that way, anyway). I figured, "hey, I live in India and have no idea what I'm doing, maybe if I ask for advice for the future (since I think I'm going to end up in long term missions), then maybe they can provide answers and help me along the way."

and the responses I've gotten from both are basically "Hey, we're glad you're in India, but we're not looking to place people there right now, so have fun and take care"...

and i feel really jilted. I feel like they don't care unless you have gone through their application process and been commissioned and sent by them. God forbid you know where you're being called and you go because God puts the path in front of you.

I understand where they're probably concerned ("o, she wants money from us" or something like that), but really I'm just trying to find a place in this world i live in and perhaps not feel so alone and abandoned. Does that make sense? Like, because I wasn't commissioned and hadn't fully looked into all of that in the 6 months between my trip to India and when I moved here, that now I'm completely self-reliant and unsupported. It's not like there were any people around me that have ever done this before to kind of help the path, but i was kind of blazing the trail on my own, ya know? a 22 year old, new college graduate, who heard God's voice and watched God open the doors on this opportunity, and just wants to know God and serve Him fully.

I don't know. I'm just dumb. And on my own in India.

Shocked and appalled

I was going to walk the lake during my break, but 1) I'm too tired and 2) I have more work to do.

I'm constantly shocked and appalled by the communication and the ability to work together. It's obvious that we have cabinets upon cabinets of music, so why on earth are you going to use a full band method book for private lessons? this particular method book is currently being used in the band classroom. Why not give him some fresh music to look at in his lessons so he has more to do.

I'm just appalled that people would rather a kid become bored out of their mind than find REAL MUSIC for them to play. Method books are just for spot checking techniques and concepts, not for full on, 40 minute PRIVATE lessons. I mean, this kid has an hour of band twice a cycle, a 40 minute lesson and (4) 40 minute practices. Is he really going to play the same thing for all of those? I'd prefer this kid is learning more techniques and thus not bored when we're in band. I'm severely perturbed by this notion. And I have a sense that I'm going to bring it up at our department meeting later. I'm really the only person teaching winds that has a degree in music, and specifically, music education. I've kind of been appointed at different times as kind of the wind and percussion head. I'm the band teacher. Ultimately, these kids come into my class 2 times a week to make (hopefully) beautiful music. But if you're spoonfeeding them, you're not helping the band, in fact, you're hurting the band. This hurts my heart. Cus in a school where opportunities like private lessons are offered, they should be of use and should be turning out good, competent musicians. Not kids that can barely pass RSM, and/or barely SOMETIMES read a key signature.

There will be a talk later, I think I decided this.

There needs to be some curriculum. It's kind of okay when it's one teacher teaching everybody. But when one person has flutes and beginning clarinets, one person has brass (except for horn), one person has saxes, a couple clarinets, and elementary aged kids (including beginner band), and ANOTHER has advanced clarinets, horn, and percussionists, there has to be a sort of curriculum that keeps consistency in training a priority.

That is my rant. B/C I'm frustrated by the lack of concern for the musicians that are being turned out (based on the kids I've received).

I'm done.

Long Day

I've been in my office since 7:30 this morning. No fun.

I have however gotten a lot done, and am beginning to get in my grove. This will only get better as copies are finally get finished and as I make my office my second home. It's slowly coming together but is still in the messy stage (have you ever seen a neat band director's office? I haven't. unless of course they don't use it ever!).

Things are starting to come together and yesterday the advanced band sounded much better than they have yet. It was very nice.

I got a letter from my mom today, that I knew was coming, but still made me really happy to receive. I actually started tearing up, so I had to put it away and I'll read it later tonight.

The rest of today goes like this: Band for 9/10 periods. tea. staff meeting. walk the lake with my Penryn family. get dinner somewhere. come back to my office to get MORE work done. and then CE late tonight with Cath and such.

::sigh::

I'm actually really tired today.

I've received news that my shipment has arrived in Chennai, so alas, I guess the dealing with it will happen soon. Please think of me as I try not to worry about it. I know it will work out somehow, but it is not something I like to have over my head. ::blegh::

Otherwise, I need to go plan for band. So, I'll talk to you guys later.

(Mom, I sent you an e-mail, make sure you get it. It might have gone to your spam folder again.)

All my love, seriously,
Mel

Affirmation...

... of something I've come to discover in my first two weeks working at the school. I shouldn't go into detail in something as public as this, so I'm not going to, but I'm going to say that it is very comforting to know that the position I am currently in is not my fault. In no way is it my fault things are happening the way they are, and that with any luck, and support, things will only get better.

I'm going to spend much of this weekend mending my heart as it has taken quite a beating in many respects this week. There is so much I want to do here, but I have to pace myself. It's great to "take off running", but I want to have steam come the end of the semester, so I'm going to pace myself from the start. That means that this weekend, I am taking time for me. For my heart, and for my sanity. If I need to cry, I'll cry. If I need to run, I'll run.

I finally started writing the book I've been thinking about for years. And it's definitely brought up things I would rather leave under the bed collecting dust. It's a part of healing, though, and I know that. So, it's okay.

My mother informed me of a cousin of mine (second cousin technically) passing away last weekend. It's not like I ever spent a lot of time with him. It's not like we were close. It's not like I'd really even heard much about him in the past few years. But knowing that someone in my family had passed away, and the funeral had already happened, all before I'd even heard he was HURT, is hard.

I don't know. There are just a lot of things going on in my heart right now. For these kids, for this school, for this country, for my family, and for my friends I've left back home. It's a little overwhelming at times. I don't want to be another teacher that just backs out on these kids. They deserve so much more than what they've gotten. They deserve a chance to be GREAT. I just hope I'm not someone who's going to fail them again.

I won't go into it anymore, but here's a passage from a book I'm reading called "Out of the Salt Shaker":
" A disciple says ' I hear you. It's the nuttiest ting I ever heard of. It's risky. I'll look like a fool, but I'll do it. Because my life is no longer committed to doing my thing but your thing.' Heaven will not be filled with innocent people, running around saying 'Oh, was there another way? I guess I never noticed. 'Rather they will say, 'You bet there were other options that begged to control me. By God's grace and my struggle, Jesus is my Lord.' "

Oh, and PS: I think up north is definitely on for Christmas. I'm so excited about it. I'll tell you more about that later. :-)

Tuesday...

It's been a while. Mostly because internet at my house is down (has been since Sunday)... But, the computer in my office works, so here I am trying to do work and play on the internet. :-P

I'm currenty making the schedules for my lessons that start tomorrow. I'll have 34 private students and then my 6/8 periods of band... so teaching at least 40 periods a cycle. I've been told that once I get the schedule set, to see if I can cut it down a bit because that is a lot (core teachers teach 30 periods). So, I'll see.

I'm getting ill a bit. I've been really tired, and I can feel the cold in my chest, so I've been trying to take it easy. Last night, however, I still went out to eat with Yisu and my neighbors.. it was a blast. I'm so glad I went.

I'll write more some other time. (maybe later today) for now I need to get this done.

Reminder to me: write about Mercy House. :-)

about 6 hours later: And it's later; the power is out in my block of school, so I can't finish my work, so here I am in the computer lab.

I'm going through something right now that I went through when I moved to NZ as well. where you feel lonely, but know you need to be with people so you go out, but you don't really want to, and then you just want to be alone again, and on and on...

and I've decided that it's because 1) I'm in India, 2) It's my first year teaching, 3) this is the craziest place to be a teacher, 4) I'm on top of a mountain, 5) I haven't talked to anyone from home in quite a while, 6) the whole "it's old news that she moved" syndrome, in which people decide that when I take time to e-mail them, that it doesnt matter, because obviously, when you move, you want to lose all contact with everyone you've ever known, and 7) I think I'm getting sick.

Fun enough for you? lol. That's my ranting for the day. or the month, or whatever you want to say.

Time to go, I think. I'll try to be uplifting another day. But hey, it's my journal. :-)

Good couple of days

First, I want to ask you all to pray for a friend of mine. Her name is Jolina, and she came to India with me last year. She surrendered her life to missions last week, and I ask that you pray for her heart to be softened and ready for everything God has in store for her. She's hoping to come back this year, so also pray for her financial support to come through.

As far as my life goes, it's been a good couple of days. I've met my bands, and there will be some switching around and some catching up to do technique wise, but we'll be okay. On Monday I have to start scheduling my lessons and such. I'll have 34 private students and then 8 periods of band. So I'll be teaching basically 42 out of 60 a cycle, while "standard course" teachers teach only 30. But supposedly music is easier to teach than other subjects, but whatever. ::sigh::

I went out with some other music faculty yesterday and bought material for 4 salwaars and 1 sari, and we went to the tailor today. :-) I should have them in about 2 weeks. Zara also gave me material for another sari, so now I just have to find material for the blouse for it. At the tibetan shop today, I bought two shawls which will come in handy as it is often a bit chilly up here. One is really thick wool that i have around me right now, and the other is a little bit thinner wool.

:-)

I also finally got my cell phone that I've been working for all week. :-) If you'd like the number, e-mail me, because I'm not giving it over a website, lol. However, I don't imagine it's cheap on either end to call me, (I know it's about 25 cents a minute for me to call you in the states) but if you want it anyways, just let me know.

Tomorrow I'm going with some students to Mercy Home, so I'm really excited for a chance to be out in the community instead of inside the school walls. :-)

I guess that's it. Coco and I are going to watch a movie now. (he says "hi")

All my love,
<3

Cocomangolassidosa

He's so cute. I love this boy. I don't even know what else to say.

I still felt a bit yuck today, but it got better as the day went on. Now, Yisu and I are going to watch PotC and do our planning for tomorrow. What a wonderful Tuesday night, right? lol.

God's really working on me right now, and it's just wierd how I'm reading like 4 different books, all unrelated, and they are all speaking to me about the same thing: Patience and GOD's timing, not our own.

I love it. ::sigh::

Not much else to say tonight. I made mac and cheese for dinner, and now I'm feeling it. Fun times. I shoulda brought my lactaid. I'm a smart cookie though, we all know that!

A case of the Mondays...

Pictures of Cocomangolassidosa will be on their way in the next day or so as he is TOO totally adorable to pass up.

Otherwise, tody I'm having a case of the Mondays. I don't really want to do anything, I don't want to be anywhere, I don't want life to begin. I guess the whirlwind of getting here and settling in is done, and now it's time to be a real person. I tend to go through culture shock a lot faster than most people, so I bet this week will be like my "o I'm so depressed"-stage. And then I'll get over it. It's just the "real-life" stuff is hitting now. Waiting for my shipment. Wondering if I'm going to have to pay extra (if I do, it's going to be around $2000 prolly, or 4 months of my salary). Knowing I teach my first class on Wednesday. Trying to learn the national anthem. learning Tamil. learning Korean. practicing piano for the staff recital. practicing viola for the staff recital. Just in general.

Yesterday was such a good day. I went to Chapel, had tea on the chapel lawn, practiced piano for like an hour, had lunch, hung out with Shreya and Beth and Neil, played ultimate, had tea at Maura and Will's, bryan brought Coco and his brother, cleaned up from tea, yisu made a korean dinner that we ate completely with chopsticks, and then we all watch harry potter 5 and then proceeded to go to bed...

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the death of Mark Anthony Shook. A friend of mine in college. It was also a little over 4 months since my grandfather passed, and the 2 month anniversary of my good friend Mike passing away. So I'm really glad I was busy yesterday so I wasn't thinking about all of that. But I guess now it's hitting.

But Coco is sitting in my lap and loving on me. 8 weeks and 2 days old, he's so adorable. I love him. I wish I could think of a breed that looks like him so you could get an idea. Bryan calls them mountain dogs, but that's only because Coco's mom was a street dog. lol. Umm... you'll just ahve to wait for pictures of this beauty.

I'm going to head out now so I can hopefully get this phone situation straightened out. and then practice some, have lunch, and then come back down for a meeting to set up our ayah situation. AND today the dhobi should bring back my clothes, so I'll have clean stuff to wear.

Umm. not much else. please keep me in your prayers because it's going be a rough day at least. ::sigh::

I'm really missing you guys today.

Blessings all around...

Today has been full of blessings... I'll just let you read what I wrote in a more private journal about the current situation(s).

... Thursday has almost completely passed. At least tonight I get a real dinner. We're having all the staff together for dinner, so that should be fun and at least it's better than crackers. :-)

I still find it hard to believe that as I'm sitting here, I'm sitting here in India. That when I go to the market, I'm in India. That as I eat food, I'm in India. Can I reiterate that it's wierd to consciously think that I'm in India?

For those that might know, how do you go about raising support for a long term endeavor like the one I'm on. I'm increasingly finding that at least initially, it's expensive to live in India. (just getting set up and what not). Being just out of college, I don't have any savings to dig in to, and in fact, actually have debt to pay off. Most of my debt will be deferred for the time I'm here, so that's good. The only one I'll have to concern myself with is my credit card. But otherwise, getting my shipment here (which I think I'll probably owe on), and getting my house set up, and getting stuff together for different things (like in the band room) is expensive. Mostly because we are isolated on top of a mountain. However, my love for this area grows everyday, as does my heart for this country. I don't know if I ever want to leave!

I'm sitting here next to the head of the SoEx program, and was talking to him about the trips to orphanages on the weekends and stuff and I'm really excited about that. You have no idea.

AND, my housemate just walked in to the computer lab, and I've finally met her!

YAY! And we're getting a puppy! A mountain dog! So excited. This makes me REALLY REALLY happy. Let me explain, the SoEx teacher (Ryan) has puppies that are just 8 weeks old tomorrow, and was offering them around, but I told him I had to wait til I found out my housemate and what she wanted. SO, now that Yisu is here, I have a housemate, and she wants a dog as well! That is so exciting.

So, life is grand right now.

::sigh::


....
So basically, you can see that life is indeed interesting. Tomorrow I will have a housemate, and perhaps more living room furniture. She kind of wants to paint the house, so we might do that, as well. We'll still need to get the kitchen set up, and such. But we'll have a dog that Ryan is going to take care of "family planning" and shots. :-)

I'm excited about this turn of events as I was actually supposed to have a housemate on Tuesday, and so have been alone since Saturday. It's all good, and that quiet time has probably been for the best.

God is good all the time.
All the time, God is good!

Only an hour and a half til dinner. Good times.

My biggest fear...

... is that I'm trying so hard to hear what God's saying or where He's telling me to go, that I'll miss it and fail Him, or miss out on where He wants me to be. Do you ever feel like that? or is that just me?

It's just that it seems like everytime I turn around I'm going in a different direction. Just wierd. But, unfortunately, that's more of just me trying to figure things out than letting God do it. I'm tellin ya, the hardest thing to do is to step back and let God do the work He has planned.

However, the more I sit through the different (morning) meetings, I realize what a great experience this is, and that I really probably should definitely stay for all 3 years. Where else will you find a CHRISTIAN school that also has students from about 7 different religions, where they try to understand eachother, and reach for mutual understanding and respect while the school is still based on the core beliefs of Christianity (which, actually, are at the core of most world religions). I think it will be a great opportunity to learn about these religions and their place, and what they stand for and really believe, so that whatever I do end up doing in the ministry will be so much better rounded. ESPECIALLY if I do end up in the mission field. having this understanding will only be better for me. ya know?

So, we'll just see where it goes. Right now, I have to think about what's got to be done. Hopefully soon I'll finally have a roommate, and then I can buy a stove and a fridge and other things needed for my house. (There is so much to buy, i have no idea how the settling in grant will cover it all!)

::sigh::

I miss you guys!

PS: pictures are posted on my webshots (on the right there is a link to them). The album is called "Home in India". It includes pictures of my house as well as pictures of the walk I take to work. It takes about 10 minutes and is uphill the whole way. At least at night I get to come downhill!

No droughts here!

It's raining again. Surprise!

We were all just getting ready to leave tea when it started to pour, so Gayathri brought me and Charlene (an ESL teacher) down to the music dept office, so I'm sitting in the department office, and I must say, it's really nice in here. I'm excited to see what happens this year.

I found a good book in the staff room library today, so I'm going to read it over the next couple days. It's called "Out of the Salt Shaker and into the World." It seems interesting so far. It's about Christian evangalism, why we're so scared, and what it REALLY means to evangalize. I'm hoping it will be as good as it has been so far.

Today was Marcia's birthday so we had cake for her at tea, and that was fun. Instead of going on the shopping tour, I showed her where Spencer's is, because she needed food (she has even less than I do!).

I really want to walk home and go to sleep, but it just won't stop raining. I keep wondering if this is also a monsoon season, because it's rained almost everyday!

It was a good day for the most part. I woke up feeling ill around 4am, and I've been awake since, but that's alright. I watched the sunrise, wrestled with internet, and when I gave up on it, I had a good bit of quiet time before I came up to school for the workshops. It's interesting to hear what God says to me on different days. Today was dealing a lot with how much I worry and think ahead. Already on my heart is applying for grad schools, even though I have no idea if I'll want to be attending next year already.

I have no idea why I think so far ahead. It's odd actually. But that's okay. I have to keep pulling myself back.

That reminds me of something I read in a devotional a while back:
When we pray to God for something (patience, persistance, etc), He doesn't just GIVE it to us, but He gives us the opportunity to learn and practice it. Since I've been praying recently for God to help me stay back and enjoy my time, I guess that makes sense. So now He's giving me a chance to practice it.

::sigh::

Going to go check some other websites. Don't ever feel scared to comment just to say hi!!! I like to hear from people. It makes me feel still connected to the world at home.

Also: If at any point you want to donate to my living fund, please do. While I was out showing Marcia where to shop and such, we were looking at toilet paper. TP is litterally a dollar a roll, even in the bigger packages. In general, paper is just expensive. So, if ever you feel like you want to help me buy a roll of TP, donate a dollar or two! It sounds awful, but I only brought 7 rolls, and shipped another 12 (so I won't have them until whenever my shipment comes), but at some point, I will have to break down and buy it.

O, and today I set up my bank account so I can get PAID! Fun times. There's so much to get done before school starts. Everyone is like "come by my office and fill out these forms" and all I can think is that they have us booked from beginning to end of day, when am I supposed to come and do that stuff?

O well. Life is good in general, and that's what matters, ya know?

Alrighty, I'm out for a while. Have some other stuff to check and, as it's stopped raining, home to get to!

14 Music Teachers?!?!

Yes, you read that right. There are 14 of us listed on the website. Of course, a good many of them are piano teachers. And you also have to remember that we only teach a couple classes. Me, I have Intermediate and Advanced band. so, 4 classes a week. And then lessons. And the VP today said something that I hadn't recognized yet. One of the new volunteers was like "Well, with all the assemblies everyday, and the pro d on tuesdays, when do we have time to PLAN?!" and the VP said "it looks like a lot when we state it all out there like this, but each teacher only teaches 30 periods per 6 day cycle"...

1st:
Each day has 10 periods
So, 6 day cycles= 60 periods a cycle.
So technically, we're only teaching half days... or, if you want, i guess you could have 3 days off a week... (well, 2 on some weeks)...

So, that's actually pretty ideal. AWESOME!

There's also a lot of ways to get involved in the spiritual side of the school, as well as with CAS and do work with the students in the local orphanages, so I'm WAY excited.

:-)

I think it will be a good first year of teaching.

It was a good day, even with dumb questions all the time. ;-)

Not much else to say. I'm going to go and get ready for bed as I'm exhausted and tomorrow looks like it's going to be a long day.

Peace out homes!

Let us rejoice...

... in the amazing fact that I've been here 2.5 days and haven't blown anything up yet!

When I was in NZ I blew up quite a few things cus I'm not always smart... but this time, I've been much more cautious... often being in chat with someone from the company of which the product is that I'm plugging in (in the case of my phone, sprint, and my computer, HP).... just in case something DID happen... luckily, however... neither my phone nor my computer has blown up... according to the zune charger i have that shouldn't blow up either... the only thing i brought that will is my rechargable battery station.. which is sad... because i need to recharge batteries... so i might buy a voltage adapter at the stock room on campus...

i've got such a list of things to get. ::sigh:: and limited funds... I don't know when we get our "settling in grant" of basically $250. I hope that's enough to get what I need in the house...

I've been thinking and praying a lot today. I pray a lot all the time. But really, a lot today, because I feel so content sitting here in my house in India. Thinking that maybe, in fact, India might become a more permanent home for me... that almost makes me want to come home sooner so i can go to school and then come back and start my life here, you know? always looking ahead... that's me...

so I've been praying for God to pull me back. It's important to look ahead, yes. But you miss so much of what's around you when you do that. I don't want to miss things that God will show me while I'm here because I'm too busy thinking about NEXT year or 10 years down the line. (there's a quote from Sidhartha I'd like to put here: " 'When someone is seeking,' said Siddhartha, 'it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You, O worthy one, are perhaps a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose.' " Fits, doesn't it?)

Because like i tell almost everyone who asks what I'm going to do in the future: I have no idea. My plans don't always line up with God's and His are what matter, so I'm letting Him show the way rather than try to forge some crazy scheme.

That's my life.

Fun, isn't it?

Books I want to read...

My utmost for His highest (It's a devotional book, probably going to look for it for next year since right now I've got an awesome one or two going on)

The Cost of Discipleship (I've wanted to read this book forever, but have never found it or gotten around to it)

There are some others but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

It's Sunday morning, and I slept too long to get a ride to church (I'm not so much jet lagged as tired from all the walking and searching and exploring i did yesterday)... and i feel awful about it, so I'm going to have my own chuch service here in my house. :-P

anyways. I didn't really have much to say, just making a list for my reference... also, if anyone has Becky Cranfill's e-mail address, could you pass it along to me? that'd be great.

:-)

Safely here

So my first night last night was actually pretty amazing. I got in around 5, and my neighbors came over and invited me to their house and we had tea, and then dinner, and it was wonderful. we sat around chatting. they're from upstate new york as well, and they have a dog and a cat. So I'm pretty stoked. They say my roomie is really nice as well, so that will be AMAZING.

Umm... the whole way over here, i was missing everybody, and i still am, dont get me wrong, but I hope it goes away soon, because i hate feeling lonely, though i know tomorrow i will feel lonely as im on the compound by myself all day. great. lol.

umm.. this morning maura took me around and showed me around the school, and then showed me around some shops and i bought some bowls and some storage canisters and some silverware... all in all, stuff i really needed... o, and food. i've eaten at their house 3 times and now im on my own, lol. they just left to go get foreign exchange students, so that's kind of exciting.

ummm... I don't really have a lot to say. just kind of been unpacking, trying to settle in and make my room look like MY room and not some space im sleeping in.

i'm also petrified to plug in my computer. if you remember, my dell crashed when i was in nz after being plugged in for a day i think. i dont know if the plugging it in had anything to do with it crashing, but it's definitely on my mind as i try to charge some of my stuff. maura and will plug their ipod into one of their indian surge protectors and it hasn't blown up, but im scared to try it with my zune. i'm also scared to try to charge my american phone because it is what i use as a clock at this point. so i leave it off during the day and then turn it on at night.

i've been sitting here waiting for the plumber to come fix my aquaguard so i can have clean water to drink without boiling it all, but man, he hasn't come yet. disappointing. he was supposed to be here 30 minutes ago... o well... TII.

on monday, the stock room opens so i can buy a stabilizer (for my appliances), and then a voltage adapter or two. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

okay, going to go try to talk to the hp guy to make sure i can plug in my computer without it blowing up. maura and will plug their mac in without grounding it (two prongs)... and im wondering if that makes a difference. so im going to find out.

wish me luck.

ps: Have I mentioned lately that God is amazing?

Hi from Belgium

It's 4am state-side. and it's 10am here. i board in an hour.

so for now, im bored and just updating everybody so i can then turn off my computer to conserve my battery.

I miss you guys terribly already.

:'(

Nothing of real importance to say.

Last one state-side

This is my goodbye from the states! I'm leaving in a minute to go to the airport and I doubt they'll have free internet, but if you see me online, feel free to say hi!!!!

I realize for some people that the only contact we still have (for whatever reason) has been online, anyway, so this won't really be that much different, but it feels the same no matter how I've been in contact with you on this end. It feels like I'm losing everybody. And I know I'm gaining so much and will learn so much, but it doesn't mean I won't miss home.

It's all in God's hands and we'll see what happens.

I'll be thinking of you guys. and I'll miss you.

Peace

Packing and cleaning

So I've been getting stuff together this morning, and as a test run, I put things in my suitcases, and unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to leave behind more than I thought. I mean, that's good, I shouldn't need as much as I've packed, but it's just odd to sit here and go through everything, you know? and I should probably be out of here by 5, so that leaves me with 4 more hours to get everything done.

I better get going. I'll update better in a little while when I'm done and such. ::sigh:: there's so much to do. I'm such a slacker.

Please pray for me. My heart is going crazy this afternoon.

Thanks.

"Honestly, I need to be broken..."

"Honestly, I need to fall down. Go ahead and shake my foundation. Cus honestly I'm figuring out. Of all that I have, all that I need is You. Honestly"
~Carl Cartee

I think it's amazing how God uses us when we're broken. "Honestly" is a song by Carl that I fell in love with the first time I heard it and it became my prayer for the longest time. I thank God that there have been times in my life when I've been broken and what he's done in those times. If I had not been broken down to the point of ending my life, would I really know now how to depend completely and only on Him? If I had not been digging my own grave, would I have been able to appreciate and fully accept all that God's done for me? If I had not felt so alone and abandoned, would I have been able to understand God as my father, my husband, my best friend, my EVERYTHING?

Last week, He broke me down in the early morning and used that brokeness to make me listen to Him. He clearly spoke to me as to where He wants me to go in my life. He used that brokeness to soften me up so I would appreciate what a blessing it is to see old friends.

My heart has been on a rampage of emotions for the last week and half-ish. Today, I really needed to stay for both services at church. My mom wasn't too happy about it, but my heart needed it. Who knows when I'll be in a situation like this again? who knows when I'll be in a church with this many brothers and sisters around me? who knows when I'll have the chance to visit with people in this congregation?

So I stayed. And because I stayed, even more blessings fell on me. For those that follow, finances aren't necessarily the best. I trust God to provide and to fulfill my needs where they are and in His time, and He definitely made that point today.

I was reading a devotion today and it says "Leading a life of faith often means leaving things alone." Amen. That is so true. As I've been learning this the last year, I've been blessed in so many ways. It's hard to not worry about where the money will come from, and it's often hard to think that I don't know everything. But as one of my dear friends said to me the other day, "When we don't know what we're doing, that is often when God shines through the most."

:-)

2 days left, and countless things to do.

Blessed

God answered so many prayers this week at the Crossroads youth camp. It was totally by chance that I got to go as a chaperone, and I'm so glad I didn't make excuses to keep me home when it would have been so easy to do so.

A few points from this week:
Passion comes from pathos- a willingness to suffer or endure pain.
Passion is faith in the face of fear. Believing when you should be doubting.
Passion is faithfulness in spite of consequences.
Passion is finishing well.

and a lesson from 1 Samuel:
Nothing should ever replace obedience, even when conventional wisdom and outside pressures make more sense.

---------
The week was a great chance to get to know some of the youth that I haven't spent much time with. I got to see an amazing son of God and brother in Christ give his life to the ministry. I got to see a young girl who is so eager for a deeper relationship with God, lift up her hands in praise to God.

It is odd to NOT see me raise my hands when singing and praising God. It has become part of me to fully open myself and surrender to God when singing or praying. The act of being open to God is a big part of my life, and it is an amazing feeling to see others let go and let the Holy Spirit fill them up.

I got to hear great messages that include some of those points above. I got to hear Carl Cartee read a verse and share part of his testimony that seemed aimed STRAIGHT at me, and when we talked about it later, we rejoiced in following God's voice in our hearts because you never know who needs to hear what you were told to say.

I also felt really blessed by the fact that I was given the opportunity to pour my heart and soul into some of the girls. I would keep my door open at night so they could come in while I was reading or journaling and ask questions, tell jokes, just hang out. And it was great to be able to be there when they had questions, when they just needed and ear, or when they wanted to know what kind of animal I'd be if I could be one. I love stuff like that.

::sigh::

-------------------
Thursday was a truly blessed day. The morning devotion was amazing, and so was the workshop "Creative Christianity". I was supposed to be going off campus to the river that day, but God was calling out to me to take some time out and fall on my face in front of Him. I ate lunch in the caf early, sat down with Clayton King, Nathan and their friend Mike, and later, Charie (Clayton's wife) and their nanny Abby sat down. It was a chance thing that I sat over there. I'm often shy in situations like that, but I felt like I needed to have adult contact, and besides, I had questions to ask Clayton, and really just wanted to even just LISTEN to this amazing man of God off of the stage.

Abby and I had great conversations, as did they continue when Charie joined the table. It was great to sit down with two women of God, and except for a short little bit, talk about something other than India. It's very exciting, yes, but we got down to talking about God's will and what it means, and having a deeper conversation than just "I'm moving to India." and it truly blessed my heart. Truly.

I had finished long before Abby as I had been sitting there talking with Mike and Clayton before she got there, but it was such good conversation and never felt right to leave, so I stayed, drinking water and having amazing conversation. After a bit, there was a shadow over my corner and someone said "Melissa..."

And a prayer I didn't even know I had was answered. There were Mike and Patti and Jake. O my goodness, my heart lit up. I know at some point one of them will read this, and I hope they've read the journal below as well, just so they know how much Mike means to me. That whole family is an amazing and Godly family, and just by being a part of my life, showed me how much more there was to life than what I had. That I could really wait for the man who was more like Mike and less like my natural father. He has always encouraged me and made my heart smile.

Seeing them after two years, and after having that time on Sunday when I was mourning the seeming loss of him in my life was AMAZING. It was a true blessing and meant the world to me. God is SO good!!!!

We went down to the river to see the kids and walked around, and then came back to GWU and walked around the quad. Shortly after, Amol and Rachel came up with their kids, and it was definitely a great time with them. It was exciting to see that Patti and Rachel knew some of the same people, and, like I said, was just amazing.

Paul finally answered his phone and we surprised him with the Paynes. :-) And I got to spend an afternoon with 3 very special people and eat dinner with them, and worship with them. They got to hear from Amol and Rachel that evening at the service and then went out to DQ for ice cream with us.

It was a truly blessed day.
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Today was also blessed. Amol prayed for me after the devotion time this morning, and it we had a nice talk and it's great to know that there are people over there that I know, even if they're basically no where nearby. To know that during long breaks I can go up there makes me SO excited, and just generally hopeful. Amol and Rachel are truly following the will of God and that makes me happy.

Amol was talking at one point about bringing his children to Crossroads one year and I got this picture of these kids, singing side by side with the youth at Crossroads, and it made me tear up. That is so exciting. Such a sight to see, even in my head. The nations worshiping side by side. Amen.

Amol is also planning like a youth retreat for next summer, and depending on the timing of it, I'm thinking I'll stick around for it. That is so exciting. O, so blessed.

Crossroads 2008: The year the Grey Squirrel died.
And the year my tank was filled up to the brim to carry me to India with even more passion than ever (if that was even possible).

Acts 20: 24

It's been an emotional week, but it has been so great. I'm sad that I'm leaving this place. But so excited to see what God has in store for me.

"I don't know what I'm doing"

Those were the first words out of my mouth to my pastor this morning.

I went down during the invitation...

let me start from the beginning...
------------------------ ::rewinds the time:: -------------------------
NY was good and bad, emotional but not outrightly emotional. The thing that upset me the most, and hurt truly deeply, was that I could not get a hold of my brother PJ the entire time I was there no matter how hard I tried.

So this morning (around 2am), I had a minor breakdown. I was trying to think of why it hurt me so bad that I didn't get to at least talk to him. And then, subsequently, why it mattered so much what my youth minister thought about me, or knowing that he cared, etc. It came down to the failures (real or perceived) of the men in my life. Alcoholic father, alcoholic brother, a pastor that i loved deeply that left our church after being the only stable thing in my life and despite my attempts never hearing from him again, a sunday school teacher that moved away who no-one seems to have his new address so i can send them a card, an abusive stepfather, a boy who meant everything to me passing away, etc....

I wanted that strong, protective feeling around me. when my brother is sober, that is what i get from him. he loves his little sister, and when not drinking, would do anything to protect me. and my youth minister, i guess, i somehow was trying to make him fill the holes that have been left by the other men in my life. and that is not good. this is a wound i thought i'd let heal a while ago, but it came back out last night since i didnt get to see pj at all while i was in ny....
so, i let that cry me to sleep...

and thus, i was still emotional when the time to go to church came...

i went to youth sunday school... why not? my teacher wasnt there... so i went to the summer youth class. lesson: the great comission. meant for both home and away. something i've been thinking about a lot lately as i think about where i'll be in 10/15 years... foreign missions, US based missions... wherever... just thoughts that had already been running through my head, and happened to be discussed this morning... i was a little emotional at the end... not quite sure what exactly sent my eyes watering, but something did...

then, it's time to go to church.... communion sunday....

still a bit emotional...

we get to the sermon... from matthew 8 i think. "the cost of following jesus" and jesus calming the storm. The former being something that has been weighing on me because there's a chance that i'll never see my father and grandmother alive again. but "let the dead bury the dead" in a way, hit me. God called me to India. I have no control over the health of my family. i can only pray.

somehow the sermon (still rather early in it) came to the homeless mission they're trying to start in the town, and how some churches are making excuses. they dont have the time. they dont have the money. they dont want them in their church if they're not Christian. that last one hit me LIKE A BRICK.

side note: people say that your calling is what you could argue (passionately) forever about...

back: well... this last statement made my heart BLEED. it's things like that that tear me apart. The thing that matters the most in my life is that people meet Jesus and know him for ALL that He is. All that He wants to be in our lives. and that churches don't want to open their doors to the people who need them hurt me.

from that point on, i didnt hear the sermon. i was getting flashes of buildings where families could come and stay and get their lives together, and learn and see the love of Jesus in the people there. A house where teens who needed some time and a safe place to stay, could come. a place that would take them in and love them and help them out of what was bothering them but wasnt a psych ward. a place for people with no where else to go to come and be loved.

communion came, and i was so emotional. Everything Christ had done for me went through my head. Everything He wanted to do for the world was going through my head. I was an emotional wreck.

when the invitation came, my heart was litterally beating out of my chest.

God wanted me to move. he was shoving me. i tried so hard to stay in that pew. was this really the decision God was saying? I've been circling around it my entire life... always saying that i'd be fine in some sort of supportive role. making excuses. I've got 3 years and then 4 years. I've got debt. etc.

"Stand up, stand up for Jesus"

And I did. I walked down front and i said to steve: "I don't know what I'm doing. but God is yelling at me, and I'm going into full time ministry. i dont know what i'm doing. I'm giving up $26,000 that I dont have. but God told me."

and we prayed together.

and in his words "it doesn't really come as a surprise.... "

and we told the church, and i cry, because of course, im full of tears today. but God shoved me. There is no more of this "i might get an MMe, i might go do this, someday maybe I'll do this... etc"...

God said "you've waited long enough to take this seriously. I know where I want you. Trust Me."

So here I am.

And I still don't know what I'm doing.
:-)

Looking up

My peace I give you. John 14:27

The past few weeks have been full of tremendous stress and trials. Satan has been really attacking me, and he's been tearing into my soul and scratching at wounds that I've healed before, and making them bleed all over again. It has probably not been fun to be around me as I've been running around back and forth trying to get my life situated as I'm about to go out of town for a while.

God, however, has been my rock. I've spent a lot of time praying, crying and reading. Taking time to just be still. To listen to God's words, and to feel God near me. At times it wasn't easy, but it's definitely worth it.

There are many things that will still need to be figured out, and the list seems to keep getting longer instead of shorter, but I trust that everything will be alright.

In my devotional today, I came across the verse above from John. "My peace I give to you." It's hit at the exact right time. In the devotional it spoke about how Jesus' life was full of torments and storms on the outside but on the inside there was an insane peace in God. I want that peace in God, and that is something I've been working on with God.

I won't update for a while probably, as I'm traveling for a while:
June 14-June 27ish: NY to visit with my family and be there for my father's procedure and my grandmother's birthday (also, hopefully a graduation party)
June 28: Marching Band reunion/picnic
June 30-July 4: Crossroads with the church youth group
July 4-8: Spending time at home
July 9: Fly to India

As the time draws near, I find myself getting nervous, so it is a great opportunity to practice and use what God has been showing me recently.

God is SO good.

Updates

My friends came back to NC last week and I've been told are doing well. So PRAISE GOD.

My father is back in the hospital for more tests today to see if he needs heart surgery, so please pray it all goes well.

The movers came today to pack up my stuff. The school pays for 250lbs, but I somehow ended up at 406. I have no idea what weighed so much. So please pray that my funds remain steady as I pay for the overage. It shouldn't go over $300 but that's still a chunk of change. Moving is so expensive. I still have more things to buy. Things like the voltage adapters.

This is where things will start to get tight, and tight is fine, just pray that the Lord provides so funds don't become a problem.

Hope everyone is having a great Monday!

Spiritual Warfare

Spiritual warfare is in the air.

Please pray for my friends. They are the missionaries that I worked with over Christmas, and right now they are in the states raising money and having their third child (L*, born about 3 weeks ago). On their way back from TX, they were in a car accident in which he broke his wrist, while R*, A*, and G* all got cuts and bruises. I'm so thankful they're alright, but I know that A* was not insured at all in the accident, so this is going to be a blow to the finances. Please pray for everything that comes about from this accident and for their continued recovery. It is obvious they are doing great things and the devil wants to stop them where ever he can.

As for me, I've had some stuff thrown in my face in the past week or so, and it hasn't always been easy going. I'm working slowly but surely to get my finances in order, and my paperwork finished. I've also had some school work thrown back on me that needs to be finished for licensure. The shipping company comes on Monday for my stuff to go away to India, and it's a little bit nerve-racking.

Prayer requests:
Finances: The Lord has provided so much, but there is so much left to buy and pay for. Please pray that God provide what I need as you feel led.
The P*'s: As I mentioned above, they are an amazing family and doing great work in the Kingdom, so please pray for their healing as well as the success of their fundraising while they're here. If you have any interest in helping them, the link for Crosspoint of India is on the right of this page.
My father: He has some major health problems that are in a constant state of decline recently. He called my during my prayer time on Wednesday to tell me the latest news. In December my father had his gallbladder taken out, and because of this, did not get the heart difibrilator that he needed. So he went back to Florida to finish his recovery. Now he's back in New York, and had some tests done on his tumor last week. Luckily, at the moment it is not growing or spreading (though official confirmation from the biopsy is expected next week). Praise God. However, he now has glaucoma in his right eye (though he's been partially blind in that eye since I was 6 due to a stroke). That's left him with some new drops to help the situation. But the big thing is he's going back to the hospital on Monday for more tests and discussion of the heart difibrilator. He wants to hold the surgery off until I get to New York (I'm going up in about 2 weeks). He wants all his children to be around him while he goes under for surgery if that's what it comes down to.
*whew* that was longer than I though it was going to be
My mother: I can tell she's having a hard time dealing with me leaving. She won't say it directly, but I can see it and hear it. I know this has to be hard on her.

I'm going to stop for tonight. Please let me know if there's anything I can pray for you about, or anything I can do for you.

Or, you could let me know if your church is interested in sponsoring a young person that is moving to India, and I'll do what I can to come visit. :-)

In His Holy Name

Great faith = Great trials

A lot of my devotionals and other random readings have been about how great faith requires great trials.

And while that sometimes can seem so depressing, it is also terribly rewarding and uplifting. Knowing that at the end of whatever I'm going through is a stronger faith, and a greater relationship with my Lord and Saviour. It is awesome to know that, and it is what pulls me through.

It's also a great thing to have people around me that are there to remind me when I slip up that tomorrow is a new day, and I just have to remember that. Remember that getting up is what matters.

If anyone is looking for a good devotional book, here is one that I recommend highly. I first found it in my church library one day while I was looking for good books, and eventually went out to buy my own copy so I could mark all over it (it is now updated and written in modern english).

It's called Streams in the Desert and was written by LB Cowman. She and her husband served as missionaries in China in the early 1900's. Through her struggles she put together readings that helped her through. I find it right on point and a wealth of knowledge.

God bless,
Melissa

VISA

I officially have an employment VISA for the country of India.

Just thought you should know.

"We went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance."Psalm 66:12

I'm in the midst of fire, but that place of abundance will be more than worth it.

Sometimes...

... I look up things like I'm already in India. Stuff I'll do, things I'll see, maybe even where I live.

It's interesting.

Today, I got the urge to look up train tickets from the local train station (which is actually a 3 hour bus ride down the mountain from school) to central India, where I'm hoping to spend my Christmas at the orphanage I visited last year. It's only around 600 rupees for a one way ticket. That's $15. Of course, it's a 28-ish hour train ride, but that's the fare for the sleeper car! I looked up plane tickets as well, but they're considerably more expensive. $270-ish one way. and I'd have to fly from Madurai to Chennai, to Mumbai to there. So, I'm not so sure that's a good idea. I'd rather spend $50 (train + bus) and take a few days (where I could get considerable reading and journaling done) as opposed to all of that plane-changing and spending mucho money that more than likely will not be present.

That's exciting. I get out of school right at the end of November and don't have to be back until January 8th so I get ALL of December to stay there. And that makes my heart happy.

I can't believe I'm shipping things in a week and a half. wow. time is flying.

Alas, my VISA application has been sent.

And now to get the shipping stuff organized, as, in 2.5 weeks, my life is being shipped to India.

Whew.

Not much else to say. Life's too interesting at the moment, and full of craziness.

VISA

I applied for my VISA today. I have to send off the requirements after getting 2 signatures on Wednesday and should have it back by the end of next week.

I'm really doing this. Every step that goes by, it hits more and more.

I got a letter today about customs and sending my stuff over there. Luckily nothing I want to send over is restricted.

::sigh::

I'm going to NYC tomorrow and I'm hoping to spend some quality time in the park (and of course Barnes and Noble) and just focus and hang out with M*. I can't wait.

My life is insanely blessed.

Forms, packing, and more preparation

I've been getting my health forms filled out for the school, and thankfully, other than a slightly elevated WBC, I'm healthy.

That's exciting.

I've also been told that on June 9, I'll be packing up my life for the shipping company to take it to India for me. I'm allowed 1 cubic meter, and I just keep wondering how much I can fit in there. It will take 6-8 weeks for my stuff to get there, so for about the first month, I will only have what comes with me in my suitcases...

I've been figuring out what of mine I can sell. And I've been working on it a bit. I have so much stuff, and I just don't know at all what I was thinking getting all of that throughout my life. lol.

God is so good to me. He takes care of me, and through my mother, has provided me the opportunity to travel. I went to NYC last week for a day and had a WONDERFUL day in the city and I'm going back on Tuesday to relax in Central Park and enjoy an amazing city.

I only ask at this time that you continue praying for me as I prepare for this journey. It is still hard on select members of my family, and I don't know how to help them see that it will be okay.

I also must say: I'm a college graduate!

Introduction

This is going to be my public journal here on out about the life and times of me.

Mostly, this is to keep my American counter-parts up to date on what I'm doing overseas and how my life is going. Hopefully this will be as exciting for you as it is for me.

A little about me:
I'm currently in the process of graduating from college with a degree in Music Education. It's been a long journey getting to this point. Let me explain:

I was born and raised a Christian. I was a happy girl with a huge, loving family. I loved my Lord and Saviour.

When I was 11 (1997), I moved from NY to NC. I'd lost my support system, and everything I had known. I don't know if you've ever made a huge move you weren't prepared for, but it can rip you apart without you even realizing it. I didn't realize it hurt so bad until one day, something that should never happen to anyone, happened to me. From that day forward, I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I used different things to try to control my life and after a while I began to get my life back on track.

However, that did not last long. The guilt I felt over straying away from God, and turning my back on him came back and ate me alive. Satan was really doing a job on my heart. In 2006, I was so far gone, that I'm not sure what anyone said could have saved me. My eating disorder was back full force, I was losing weight, and I was cutting up to 100 times a day.

But then my life changed. In February 2007, I moved to New Zealand to study for 5 months. I found an amazing church and in March, the national pastor came and spoke about forgiveness. I realized I hadn't forgiven the person who hurt me. So I forgave him. And I forgave myself for all the pain I had inflicted on my own body and heart.

After that, my life changed. I could now get through the hard times more easily. I was relying on God to sustain me and not my mind figuring out a way to cope. I was finally somewhat okay, and I finally believed God may be able to use me after all.

I applied to go to India on a two week trip when I returned from New Zealand. I was accepted. I knew this is what God was telling me to do. I went and had an amazing time. God is so amazing and so needed in that country.

And now I'm home, finishing my last semester of college (I graduate on Friday), and I'm preparing to move to India. I've accepted a job in the south of India and I will be there for three years. This is my way of keeping America informed.

Everyone seems to have a life verse... and mine was written by one of my hero's, Paul. He is the ultimate model of a horrible, awful life that was turned around by grace and became a life of Love, Humility, and God.

1 Corinthians 15: 10- For it is by the grace of God that I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.

I love my Lord and Saviour. He is the only thing that sustains me.

I pray all who are reading this are well.