Accountable

I need to ask a favor of anyone and everyone who is reading this: I need you to hold me accountable. I have been sick recently. On that front I am doing significantly better than I was a week ago at this time. Resting up and preparing for a trip out of town and just generally getting ready for the new semester that begins in two weeks.

But I need to be held accountable to my life. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone reading this, but recently I've had an emptiness where my heart is supposed to be. Now, I know a lot has happened in the last month, and that being so physically sick makes your emotions go all over the place, but that is not all. I am literally feeling empty. I cannot feel Him near me right now, and I know that He is distanced sometimes, but there's still more to it than even that.

I have realized that parts of my old self still remain. The parts of myself that believe I am not worthy of care. The parts of me that believe that because I am the "lowest of the low" does not deserve to have feelings and for one of those to be 'hurt'.

We are called to be humble, and to not think of ourselves and our own needs above others', but there is a time when we are in need and we have to stand up for ourself and call out for it. I am really bad at that. I will call out to God for help, but I won't call out to someone that has offered themself. There is always some reason to be quiet, and no matter what it is, I will put it ahead of myself and how I'm feeling. It doesn't matter what it is, I consider it more important than myself.

I have wondered at times if I have this thing they call "self-defeating personality disorder", but only a few of the criteria apply to me. I know I have the tendencies, but as a whole, I do not think it is me.

I have a lot to learn still in life and part of that is this: I am worth it. My life means something. I mean something. I matter, and at times, that means 'interrupting' something.

I am working on not being so evasive when answering questions about myself. I am learning to be more open and honest in all areas of my life, but I need the people in my life to hold me accountable for knowing when to step back and rest, when to push through, and when to call out because I can't do it on my own.

I read somewhere the other day, and I wish I could remember where it was... ::leaves to look it up::
FOUND IT!
"If I had my life to live over" by Erma Bombeck and the first one is "I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day."

I have GOT to learn that one!

Done for tonight. I love you all.

Thankful

I know I keep saying it, but I will continue to say it forever: I am so thankful for the people that surround me. I got pretty sick earlier this week and had to go get treated for it on the plains. I had them let me out as soon as possible (before fever was gone completely) because I desperately wanted to be around my friends. My heart aches when I'm not around these people. Physically, I may not always feel 100%, but when I'm with my friends here, I feel significantly better.

My heart actually aches when I'm not here. How does this place ingrain itself so quickly into the heart? People become your family in ways that I can't even explain. My heart expands and fills with the sight of these people (no joke). Even looking at pictures brings a smile to a part of me so much deeper than my face. My fever is still not gone, but my heart feels so much better, and that's what counts, really, isn't it?

Our C'hristian family is so big, and I can't even fathom how much love there is within it. He is so good. So good.

What makes us different?

Where I live, everyone has idols on their dashboard (and by everyone, I mean the taxi and bus drivers). More often than not, they are H'indu gods. Sometimes they light up, they play music, and are adorned with flowers. But on Wednesday, as I headed down the mountain for a quick trip, I realized my driver had one on his dashboard. But there was a c'ross hanging from the rear view mirror.

I was perplexed. I began looking closely at the idol on the dash, and realized, "HEY! That's Mary holding J'esus!"... Yes, you heard that right. It was a C'hristian idol on his dash.

So that brings me to the point: If I hadn't looked closer, I would have assumed he was H'indu. That is what the culture here knows: idols on the dash.

So what makes us different? As C'hristians, aren't we supposed to go against the flow? Aren't we supposed to set a different example? We are not to follow the ways of the world, but to honor and obey the loving Father. Are we doing that if we just adapt the worldly patterns into ours? We are not to worship idols, and yet, some have made idols of our L'ord.

Just a thought to ponder... There's a lot about this is the book "Holy Subversion" by Trevin Wax. I suggest you read it and look at the idols that we have made in our lives...

Summer Fun

Summer has been off to a busy start. I've gone to the big city, the small city, interviewed two candidates for positions, had meetings, cleaned rooms, requested money, sent money... Countless numbers of things. It's easy here to hermit yourself and never leave the house, but I've made a point of every day getting out. I don't think there's been a day yet where I haven't left my house. It's good.

In the last week I've cooked two big dinners and had people over to partake. The first night was a dinner full of country cookin': shake and bake chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, applesauce, vegetables, and butterscotch pie for desert. The second night was ziti, garlic bread, chips and salsa, and chocolate pie for desert. I love cooking.

An infection I've had for the past two weeks is still hanging around but it's slowly getting better. All that's left now is really just a sore throat. So thankful.

I went to an import store a few days ago and found Reese's cups! Big ones and little ones. I was very excited. They cost a bit, but, sometimes you just have to suck it up.

Tomorrow, I will write about "What makes US different"... don't let me forget. It's about idols.

I'm slowly making my way through my new books (both actually new and new to me). I've read about five books already this summer, and am now starting on another. This one is called "East of the Sun". I'll let you know about it when I'm finished.

Love you all.

Disconnect...

Call.
Prayer.
Discernment.
Decision.
Action.

Disconnect
.
I feel like I should write a book for young people who are considering moving overseas. A book that goes through what happens when you move overseas. The pits and pitfalls that you don’t realize. The real sacrifices you make.

When you feel the call to go, you pray hard about whether or not it’s right, whether or not you’re ready, whether you have the faith to make the jump… you pray for God to provide the strength and be the hitching post for you to tie yourself to.
Once you make the decision to go, and then GO, there are worlds of things you realize. You know from the beginning that you are leaving your family. You’re leaving your home. You’re leaving your comfort. Sometimes you are leaving your language. You are leaving your friends. You are leaving ‘normal’ food. You are leaving life as you know it.

But did you know that you are leaving funerals? Weddings? Births? Baptisms? You are leaving the dinner out with friends after a bad day. You are leaving the comfort food you run to when something bad happens. You are leaving the park you go to for quiet time. You are leaving the little, every day things that make your life what it is.

However, you also get to make a new life. You make new friends, grow to love new places, new foods, and find different ways of coping with things. You adapt to a whole new society and become fully aware of things you neglected at home. You realize home is not really home; that just as Jesus said, you are a stranger in your own town.

As you fully put yourself into your new life, not being able to isolate yourself from your current mission to look back on the past, you also lose your old life. Everything has changed. When you return for visits, nothing is as it was. You, especially, have changed in ways that others can’t understand. You have assimilated into a culture so different and learned so many different things that you just can’t fit back in to ‘home’.

I experienced some of this last year when I went home. I was picked up at the airport and was taken to my grandmother’s. I woke later that day to her making lunch for me. An American lunch! A lunch complete with meat from a bag, cooked in an electric oven, and on glass plates with nice silver ware and conversations completely in English. There was no maid to wash the dishes later. There was no watchman knocking on the door to make sure everything was alright. I was back in the land of the driving, too! Who would have thought I could drive after a year of nothing!

It was so different being back. Everyone spoke of how I’d ‘grown up’, ‘matured’. I was different. I sat around with family and friends and had loads to speak of, but had no way of communicating what I was talking about. A place called The Budge was a foreign concept to them. Explaining how I grocery shopped was a task. Explaining the Sunday Market was even worse. I was the freak in the sideshow. “Well, that sure is different” was said a lot. But how do you really explain it all? Explain living in a place where life is so different? How do I begin to tell them what is going on?
It is the same in reverse in some ways. So much changes in such a short amount of time, that people have a hard time catching YOU up on everything. So-and-so moved from once house to another, someone else got married and had a kid, another person from town died… you drive familiar streets and notice that everything you’ve been remembering is not the same: parking lots have grown bigger, new cars are on the street, and restaurants have popped up in unlikely places, and the new hot spot in town is somewhere you have never heard of.

As I live here longer and longer the changes become more and more apparent to me. I cannot even begin to explain my life here to people that have no concept of life outside America. No matter how hard you try to stay connected, things change and people drift. E-mails become less. Phone calls are non-existent. So much goes on in everyone’s life that remembering people who aren’t around becomes difficult.
And, even as I type this, I know that this isn’t true for everyone. I know people who have lived overseas for decades whose parents still call THEM once a week. It’s not my friend’s responsibility to think about the time difference, to think about calling rates, and what’s going on in the states and then make a phone call. Her parents call HER. On a regular basis. It’s comforting to know that some people are not forgotten. That connection CAN be kept no matter how long it’s been since seeing each other.

There are sacrifices you make that you don’t even realize when you leave. Or, maybe you have thought of them, but they don’t really hit until they happen.

I am grateful for the family that I have developed here. The people I have grown close to. The people that are by my side and love me and comfort me when I need it.
I miss my family at home, but understand that things change and I am not there. I am not part of their lives like I once was. Even if I want to be. One day I’ll be back, but for now, that is how it is. I can’t change how other people act. I can only change what I do, and I will continue trying to stay in touch, even if at times I feel it’s not worth it.

::sigh::