Those were the first words out of my mouth to my pastor this morning.
I went down during the invitation...
let me start from the beginning...
------------------------ ::rewinds the time:: -------------------------
NY was good and bad, emotional but not outrightly emotional. The thing that upset me the most, and hurt truly deeply, was that I could not get a hold of my brother PJ the entire time I was there no matter how hard I tried.
So this morning (around 2am), I had a minor breakdown. I was trying to think of why it hurt me so bad that I didn't get to at least talk to him. And then, subsequently, why it mattered so much what my youth minister thought about me, or knowing that he cared, etc. It came down to the failures (real or perceived) of the men in my life. Alcoholic father, alcoholic brother, a pastor that i loved deeply that left our church after being the only stable thing in my life and despite my attempts never hearing from him again, a sunday school teacher that moved away who no-one seems to have his new address so i can send them a card, an abusive stepfather, a boy who meant everything to me passing away, etc....
I wanted that strong, protective feeling around me. when my brother is sober, that is what i get from him. he loves his little sister, and when not drinking, would do anything to protect me. and my youth minister, i guess, i somehow was trying to make him fill the holes that have been left by the other men in my life. and that is not good. this is a wound i thought i'd let heal a while ago, but it came back out last night since i didnt get to see pj at all while i was in ny....
so, i let that cry me to sleep...
and thus, i was still emotional when the time to go to church came...
i went to youth sunday school... why not? my teacher wasnt there... so i went to the summer youth class. lesson: the great comission. meant for both home and away. something i've been thinking about a lot lately as i think about where i'll be in 10/15 years... foreign missions, US based missions... wherever... just thoughts that had already been running through my head, and happened to be discussed this morning... i was a little emotional at the end... not quite sure what exactly sent my eyes watering, but something did...
then, it's time to go to church.... communion sunday....
still a bit emotional...
we get to the sermon... from matthew 8 i think. "the cost of following jesus" and jesus calming the storm. The former being something that has been weighing on me because there's a chance that i'll never see my father and grandmother alive again. but "let the dead bury the dead" in a way, hit me. God called me to India. I have no control over the health of my family. i can only pray.
somehow the sermon (still rather early in it) came to the homeless mission they're trying to start in the town, and how some churches are making excuses. they dont have the time. they dont have the money. they dont want them in their church if they're not Christian. that last one hit me LIKE A BRICK.
side note: people say that your calling is what you could argue (passionately) forever about...
back: well... this last statement made my heart BLEED. it's things like that that tear me apart. The thing that matters the most in my life is that people meet Jesus and know him for ALL that He is. All that He wants to be in our lives. and that churches don't want to open their doors to the people who need them hurt me.
from that point on, i didnt hear the sermon. i was getting flashes of buildings where families could come and stay and get their lives together, and learn and see the love of Jesus in the people there. A house where teens who needed some time and a safe place to stay, could come. a place that would take them in and love them and help them out of what was bothering them but wasnt a psych ward. a place for people with no where else to go to come and be loved.
communion came, and i was so emotional. Everything Christ had done for me went through my head. Everything He wanted to do for the world was going through my head. I was an emotional wreck.
when the invitation came, my heart was litterally beating out of my chest.
God wanted me to move. he was shoving me. i tried so hard to stay in that pew. was this really the decision God was saying? I've been circling around it my entire life... always saying that i'd be fine in some sort of supportive role. making excuses. I've got 3 years and then 4 years. I've got debt. etc.
"Stand up, stand up for Jesus"
And I did. I walked down front and i said to steve: "I don't know what I'm doing. but God is yelling at me, and I'm going into full time ministry. i dont know what i'm doing. I'm giving up $26,000 that I dont have. but God told me."
and we prayed together.
and in his words "it doesn't really come as a surprise.... "
and we told the church, and i cry, because of course, im full of tears today. but God shoved me. There is no more of this "i might get an MMe, i might go do this, someday maybe I'll do this... etc"...
God said "you've waited long enough to take this seriously. I know where I want you. Trust Me."
So here I am.
And I still don't know what I'm doing.
:-)
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Looking up
My peace I give you. John 14:27
The past few weeks have been full of tremendous stress and trials. Satan has been really attacking me, and he's been tearing into my soul and scratching at wounds that I've healed before, and making them bleed all over again. It has probably not been fun to be around me as I've been running around back and forth trying to get my life situated as I'm about to go out of town for a while.
God, however, has been my rock. I've spent a lot of time praying, crying and reading. Taking time to just be still. To listen to God's words, and to feel God near me. At times it wasn't easy, but it's definitely worth it.
There are many things that will still need to be figured out, and the list seems to keep getting longer instead of shorter, but I trust that everything will be alright.
In my devotional today, I came across the verse above from John. "My peace I give to you." It's hit at the exact right time. In the devotional it spoke about how Jesus' life was full of torments and storms on the outside but on the inside there was an insane peace in God. I want that peace in God, and that is something I've been working on with God.
I won't update for a while probably, as I'm traveling for a while:
June 14-June 27ish: NY to visit with my family and be there for my father's procedure and my grandmother's birthday (also, hopefully a graduation party)
June 28: Marching Band reunion/picnic
June 30-July 4: Crossroads with the church youth group
July 4-8: Spending time at home
July 9: Fly to India
As the time draws near, I find myself getting nervous, so it is a great opportunity to practice and use what God has been showing me recently.
God is SO good.
The past few weeks have been full of tremendous stress and trials. Satan has been really attacking me, and he's been tearing into my soul and scratching at wounds that I've healed before, and making them bleed all over again. It has probably not been fun to be around me as I've been running around back and forth trying to get my life situated as I'm about to go out of town for a while.
God, however, has been my rock. I've spent a lot of time praying, crying and reading. Taking time to just be still. To listen to God's words, and to feel God near me. At times it wasn't easy, but it's definitely worth it.
There are many things that will still need to be figured out, and the list seems to keep getting longer instead of shorter, but I trust that everything will be alright.
In my devotional today, I came across the verse above from John. "My peace I give to you." It's hit at the exact right time. In the devotional it spoke about how Jesus' life was full of torments and storms on the outside but on the inside there was an insane peace in God. I want that peace in God, and that is something I've been working on with God.
I won't update for a while probably, as I'm traveling for a while:
June 14-June 27ish: NY to visit with my family and be there for my father's procedure and my grandmother's birthday (also, hopefully a graduation party)
June 28: Marching Band reunion/picnic
June 30-July 4: Crossroads with the church youth group
July 4-8: Spending time at home
July 9: Fly to India
As the time draws near, I find myself getting nervous, so it is a great opportunity to practice and use what God has been showing me recently.
God is SO good.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Updates
My friends came back to NC last week and I've been told are doing well. So PRAISE GOD.
My father is back in the hospital for more tests today to see if he needs heart surgery, so please pray it all goes well.
The movers came today to pack up my stuff. The school pays for 250lbs, but I somehow ended up at 406. I have no idea what weighed so much. So please pray that my funds remain steady as I pay for the overage. It shouldn't go over $300 but that's still a chunk of change. Moving is so expensive. I still have more things to buy. Things like the voltage adapters.
This is where things will start to get tight, and tight is fine, just pray that the Lord provides so funds don't become a problem.
Hope everyone is having a great Monday!
My father is back in the hospital for more tests today to see if he needs heart surgery, so please pray it all goes well.
The movers came today to pack up my stuff. The school pays for 250lbs, but I somehow ended up at 406. I have no idea what weighed so much. So please pray that my funds remain steady as I pay for the overage. It shouldn't go over $300 but that's still a chunk of change. Moving is so expensive. I still have more things to buy. Things like the voltage adapters.
This is where things will start to get tight, and tight is fine, just pray that the Lord provides so funds don't become a problem.
Hope everyone is having a great Monday!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Spiritual Warfare
Spiritual warfare is in the air.
Please pray for my friends. They are the missionaries that I worked with over Christmas, and right now they are in the states raising money and having their third child (L*, born about 3 weeks ago). On their way back from TX, they were in a car accident in which he broke his wrist, while R*, A*, and G* all got cuts and bruises. I'm so thankful they're alright, but I know that A* was not insured at all in the accident, so this is going to be a blow to the finances. Please pray for everything that comes about from this accident and for their continued recovery. It is obvious they are doing great things and the devil wants to stop them where ever he can.
As for me, I've had some stuff thrown in my face in the past week or so, and it hasn't always been easy going. I'm working slowly but surely to get my finances in order, and my paperwork finished. I've also had some school work thrown back on me that needs to be finished for licensure. The shipping company comes on Monday for my stuff to go away to India, and it's a little bit nerve-racking.
Prayer requests:
Finances: The Lord has provided so much, but there is so much left to buy and pay for. Please pray that God provide what I need as you feel led.
The P*'s: As I mentioned above, they are an amazing family and doing great work in the Kingdom, so please pray for their healing as well as the success of their fundraising while they're here. If you have any interest in helping them, the link for Crosspoint of India is on the right of this page.
My father: He has some major health problems that are in a constant state of decline recently. He called my during my prayer time on Wednesday to tell me the latest news. In December my father had his gallbladder taken out, and because of this, did not get the heart difibrilator that he needed. So he went back to Florida to finish his recovery. Now he's back in New York, and had some tests done on his tumor last week. Luckily, at the moment it is not growing or spreading (though official confirmation from the biopsy is expected next week). Praise God. However, he now has glaucoma in his right eye (though he's been partially blind in that eye since I was 6 due to a stroke). That's left him with some new drops to help the situation. But the big thing is he's going back to the hospital on Monday for more tests and discussion of the heart difibrilator. He wants to hold the surgery off until I get to New York (I'm going up in about 2 weeks). He wants all his children to be around him while he goes under for surgery if that's what it comes down to.
*whew* that was longer than I though it was going to be
My mother: I can tell she's having a hard time dealing with me leaving. She won't say it directly, but I can see it and hear it. I know this has to be hard on her.
I'm going to stop for tonight. Please let me know if there's anything I can pray for you about, or anything I can do for you.
Or, you could let me know if your church is interested in sponsoring a young person that is moving to India, and I'll do what I can to come visit. :-)
In His Holy Name
Please pray for my friends. They are the missionaries that I worked with over Christmas, and right now they are in the states raising money and having their third child (L*, born about 3 weeks ago). On their way back from TX, they were in a car accident in which he broke his wrist, while R*, A*, and G* all got cuts and bruises. I'm so thankful they're alright, but I know that A* was not insured at all in the accident, so this is going to be a blow to the finances. Please pray for everything that comes about from this accident and for their continued recovery. It is obvious they are doing great things and the devil wants to stop them where ever he can.
As for me, I've had some stuff thrown in my face in the past week or so, and it hasn't always been easy going. I'm working slowly but surely to get my finances in order, and my paperwork finished. I've also had some school work thrown back on me that needs to be finished for licensure. The shipping company comes on Monday for my stuff to go away to India, and it's a little bit nerve-racking.
Prayer requests:
Finances: The Lord has provided so much, but there is so much left to buy and pay for. Please pray that God provide what I need as you feel led.
The P*'s: As I mentioned above, they are an amazing family and doing great work in the Kingdom, so please pray for their healing as well as the success of their fundraising while they're here. If you have any interest in helping them, the link for Crosspoint of India is on the right of this page.
My father: He has some major health problems that are in a constant state of decline recently. He called my during my prayer time on Wednesday to tell me the latest news. In December my father had his gallbladder taken out, and because of this, did not get the heart difibrilator that he needed. So he went back to Florida to finish his recovery. Now he's back in New York, and had some tests done on his tumor last week. Luckily, at the moment it is not growing or spreading (though official confirmation from the biopsy is expected next week). Praise God. However, he now has glaucoma in his right eye (though he's been partially blind in that eye since I was 6 due to a stroke). That's left him with some new drops to help the situation. But the big thing is he's going back to the hospital on Monday for more tests and discussion of the heart difibrilator. He wants to hold the surgery off until I get to New York (I'm going up in about 2 weeks). He wants all his children to be around him while he goes under for surgery if that's what it comes down to.
*whew* that was longer than I though it was going to be
My mother: I can tell she's having a hard time dealing with me leaving. She won't say it directly, but I can see it and hear it. I know this has to be hard on her.
I'm going to stop for tonight. Please let me know if there's anything I can pray for you about, or anything I can do for you.
Or, you could let me know if your church is interested in sponsoring a young person that is moving to India, and I'll do what I can to come visit. :-)
In His Holy Name
Monday, June 2, 2008
Great faith = Great trials
A lot of my devotionals and other random readings have been about how great faith requires great trials.
And while that sometimes can seem so depressing, it is also terribly rewarding and uplifting. Knowing that at the end of whatever I'm going through is a stronger faith, and a greater relationship with my Lord and Saviour. It is awesome to know that, and it is what pulls me through.
It's also a great thing to have people around me that are there to remind me when I slip up that tomorrow is a new day, and I just have to remember that. Remember that getting up is what matters.
If anyone is looking for a good devotional book, here is one that I recommend highly. I first found it in my church library one day while I was looking for good books, and eventually went out to buy my own copy so I could mark all over it (it is now updated and written in modern english).
It's called Streams in the Desert and was written by LB Cowman. She and her husband served as missionaries in China in the early 1900's. Through her struggles she put together readings that helped her through. I find it right on point and a wealth of knowledge.
God bless,
Melissa
And while that sometimes can seem so depressing, it is also terribly rewarding and uplifting. Knowing that at the end of whatever I'm going through is a stronger faith, and a greater relationship with my Lord and Saviour. It is awesome to know that, and it is what pulls me through.
It's also a great thing to have people around me that are there to remind me when I slip up that tomorrow is a new day, and I just have to remember that. Remember that getting up is what matters.
If anyone is looking for a good devotional book, here is one that I recommend highly. I first found it in my church library one day while I was looking for good books, and eventually went out to buy my own copy so I could mark all over it (it is now updated and written in modern english).
It's called Streams in the Desert and was written by LB Cowman. She and her husband served as missionaries in China in the early 1900's. Through her struggles she put together readings that helped her through. I find it right on point and a wealth of knowledge.
God bless,
Melissa
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