the obligatory end of the year blog

2011 ends tonight. It has already ended in some parts of the world, and from what I hear, 2012 starts alright. That's good to know.

This year has been an insanely crazy year, and I have enjoyed most of it. We'll look at it in pieces:

January: I began the month with friends of mine, and enjoying the time with them. Then I started my last semester of school at my job. We got ready for our music field trip and tried to arrange visits from Carnegie Hall representatives to our school and the first ever music festival.

February: Music field trip the capitol of our city went off well. There were stressful moments logistically, and I stood in the middle of the road stopping traffic, but it was a lot of fun.

March: I want to my friend's place for the graduation of students from their school. And then I came back to school and pulled off the first ever music festival at our school. It was a grand time and really productive/beneficial for all involved.

April: Took long weekend and went to the beach and went to the southern most point on the way back. Other than sun poisoning it was a good time. I told my students I was leaving this month. Mixed reactions. I'm sure some of them didn't care, others were glad, and still others were saddened by this. We all have to move on. Prepared the final concerts of the semester and arranged for the Carnegie representatives to visit the school.

May: Arranged countless other concerts and prepared to leave the school and my home. It was an interesting month of ups and downs. At the end of the month, I moved back to America and tried to readjust to life.

June: I taught some classes and had some speaking engagements about my time overseas, and they were fruitful. Then I left to go to NY and spend time with my family.

July: This entire month was spent with my family in NY and it was fantastic. I really enjoyed it and all the time together. It makes me miss them dearly now. At the end of the month, I hurt my knee pretty severely (little ol' me was on crutches!!! I couldn't walk at all!), but a friend of mine came in to town and we went to Niagara Falls anyway! Then we came down to NC and moved me into my new place...

August: Spent settling in to my official 'new life', setting up house and healing my knee. Getting back involved in my church and trying to rest before school started.

September: School was in full swing. Shoo. It's a lot of work, but I was learning and meeting new people and having a great time in general.

October: Mid-terms came and went, and, unfortunately, I wasn't able to go anywhere for fall break. Certain things happened that changed my perspective on my past and my future. It wasn't easy, but it's been good. My father also went into the hospital for the first time beginning a tumultuous two months that continues...

November: A busy month, but I survived.

December: Whew, this month was busy at the beginning in all sorts of ways, but the last couple weeks have been very relaxing. It's been good, except for my car, and except for being sick. It's unfortunate that when I should be relaxing, I've been sick and poor, but that's okay.


In general, 2011 has been a year of massive change and it's been good changes. That is not to say that it's been easy. In fact, moments have been really hard.

But really, it's been good.

And I never wrote a Thanksgiving entry.
So what am I thankful for this year?

My bed. I walk past this thing countless times a day and EVERY time I think: "Man, I love you."
Power that doesn't cut out.
Fans.
Heat.
Stores that are fully stocked.
The comfort of home at night.
The community that surrounds me. More and more I am shown how amazing the people around me are, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
School and everything that comes with it: new friends and awesome professors to learn from.

I love it. Life is good. I don't know how long I will have everything I have right now, but I'm going to enjoy it and be thankful for it all while I do. :-)

Happy New Year, everyone!!!!

A plethora...

I have a plethora of blog ideas just waiting to be written about. I also have 2 incomplete blog entries saved on my computer... maybe someday they'll all be finished...

Here's a preview of what's to come in 2012:
Prayer: What we should really be praying about
The Gospel and the Holy Ghost
Fishermen and Shepherds: Our Purpose
Direction (or Lack thereof)

A Series on Calling:
Sayers vs. Doers: Why words mean nothing without action
The Calling as a Scape-goat
The Emotional Call
The Cost of the Call

Just a little preview... coming soon will be my 2011 reflection, and boy is that a doozy to write. :-)

I hope you're as ready for 2012 as I am!

The Shepherd...

I have always been partial to the name "pastor" as the leader of my church. Perhaps it is because I am a Baptist, but that cannot be the only reason. Amongst Baptist churches, there are many different names for the person behind the pulpit: preacher, pastor, reverend, some even use the term father. But for me, pastor is it, and perhaps that is because my first preacher was Pastor Harry. That was his name. He wasn't just Harry. Never. It was almost like not using Mr. or Mrs. in front of a teacher's last name. It was PASTOR Harry.

Because of this, even now, my preacher/leader/person-behind-the-pulpit will always be pastor.

I was thinking about this one day, and it became apparent to me that I can find no BETTER word to describe that person behind the pulpit. Unlike every other word used, this word does not actually imply being OVER a group of people. Some might argue the opposite, but follow me for a second:

A pastor (aka: shepherd) leads a group of sheep, that is unmistakable (at least to some). But do they really LEAD the sheep? Is there some massive journey or mission that they are on in which they are being led? Not really. Actually, the shepherd is just guiding them where they already know: to food, to water, to shelter. This guiding is ACTUALLY done by the sheep themselves who wander as a group to what they need. The shepherd does, however, keep them from the crevices that might be dangerous, and the general movement just happens naturally.

But the most vital role of the shepherd is to keep the flock safe and together! When one sheep goes astray, to go and find it. When there is an attack, to stand between the enemy and the sheep. When there is a crevice ahead, to steer them away.

How powerful then, is this image of a shepherd. Standing watch at all times, keeping everyone safe, and intervening when the enemy approaches.

I can think of no better way to view my Savior. He is my Shepherd. He will keep me safe from my enemies, and He will find me if I get lost.

And by extension, my Pastor is the same. He will intervene for the church against the enemy, and He will help keep us from getting lost, whether as a group or as individuals. It is a powerful view of the pastor. A true servant role at the heart of it.

Because at the heart of it, the value is actually in the sheep! In each and every sheep.


And how many shepherds came to Jesus that night? How many shepherds knew that there was an even greater shepherd on earth?

We are to be fishers of men, and shepherds to the masses...

Wow... (this could become a whole 'nother entry... and probably will)...

Jesus is my shepherd, and my pastor will always be my pastor.

What an awesome and different way to view the person congregations look to for guidance.

Christmas on this side...

So, most of you know that this transition has not been the easiest on me, but I've been handling it pretty well, taking everything one step at a time. Because of that, it hasn't been entirely too difficult.

However, as Christmas had drawn nearer, the differences have been stark. I only lived overseas for 3 years, but I have spent the last 4 Christmases overseas, with the same people every year. Get this straight: This is my first Christmas in America since 2006. That was seriously my last American Christmas, and I couldn't even tell you what I did for it. I have no idea. However, I can tell you exactly what I've done each of the last four...

This year's has been marked by HUGE differences. Overseas I spent time trying to figure out what people needed or wanted and I reveled in giving gifts that I knew would be appreciated. I LOVE giving gifts. If I had ever gone through the love languages, that's probably one of mine. That and words of affirmation. I love being able to give someone something they've wanted or needed. But I'm back in America and it's all very commercial again. It's all "what do you want?" or "But I asked for this..."... It's unfortunate. Even here, among some of my close friends, it's this idea of having to give gifts to people, no matter if you know what they want/need or not. It's a matter of duty, apparently.

I don't want to give a gift out of duty. I feel like that defeats the point. In fact, there are plenty of gifts that I want to give to people (though I literally have no money, like, actually). These people aren't necessarily those you'd assume. They are just people that have spoken positive words into my life over the past few months, or people that I see that need a little boost.

Duty does not speak to me. Love speaks to me.

And that's where the biggest different lies for me. It's a different mindset and it actually turns me away from Christmas. There is so much more to this season than the duty of gift giving. Even gift receiving for me is tainted. Of course there might be a novelty or two to ask for, but really, I don't want to make a list. In fact, I can't even think of enough for a list if you ask me. It might be an instance here or there where I think of something I want, but when it gets down to it, there's not a lot I need. My life is pretty comfortable.

I just don't want the duty. I want to be free to give from the heart, and I don't like when people EXPECT something because of that sense of duty. My duty at Christmas is not to give X,Y and Z certain presents that cost a certain amount of money. My duty is to spread joy, and spreading joy might not even include my name on the "from" tag... Recognition is not necessary. It is the joy of giving that drives the season, not the reciprocal nature everyone thinks. If I give a gift, I do not expect anything in return. It is different than the general culture. And I hope one day this is the culture that exists.

Hearing stories about things like strangers paying of layaway accounts gives me hope that there are people out there that know the reason for the season. We might be in a recession, but in a way, I think the hard times are when people support each other more because they know what it's like and are willing to help those who are worse off. When people are comfortable, they are in a bubble and it's harder to see the struggles others are having. I *love* that people are paying off layaways, or paying for people's items when their card is denied at the store. It is heartwarming. There is nothing to get in return.

And that, my friends, is Christmas. I hope this spreads. Then maybe I would feel like it's the holidays.

Until that day, I'll keep praying for the change, and thanking God for the people today who see the real meaning of Christmas and do something about it. They are not just saying it with their mouths, but they are DOING it. They are LIVING the meaning of Christmas.

Thank you, Lord, for those people!

Merry Christmas, everyone! I truly hope each and every one of you enjoys the time with your family and friends, and that you are able to be Jesus to someone this year. You might be the only light someone sees even (and especially) at this time of year.

I love you all!

Familiar roads

Tonight, I went to my mother's house to pick up a piece of mail, as I pulled out and onto the road to come back to town, I began thinking... The speed limit may say 55, but I flow around 60. This curve may suggest 35, but I can go it comfortably 45-50. I know where the houses are, and I know where the speed limit changes. I could probably drive that road blindfolded.

And why is that?

Because it is a familiar road to me. I have ridden on it and driven on it countless times in my life in all sorts of weather and every time of day and night. I have driven it angry, happy, sad, in a hurry, or just out for a drive. I've driven it to go to school, to go to competition, to go to the movies and to go to church. Relentlessly that path from outside of town and into town has been drilled into my mind.

It was semi-comforting to drive a road I know so well. It had an ease that isn't true with other roads. It is an easy a free road with gentle hills, and some nice curves to keep you awake. There is nothing special about this road. It is just something I've done a thousand times, and it was easy to drive it again, even though I haven't driven it in a while.

But, as I got partway down the road, another thought came to my head...

Because I know this road so well, I don't notice what's around me. So I looked around as I drove. I saw the Christmas lights that are going up. I saw the rabbit run across the street. I saw someone standing outside when they should SURELY be inside and out of the cold. As my hands and feet drove the car on auto-pilot, my mind had a chance to observe the things around me.

I have been terribly bad at taking pictures. I started a 365 project back in March and for the most part, I was good at it until my life got either too busy, or too monotonous. While living overseas, I made a point to not remove myself from situations by sitting behind a camera. This means there are not very many pictures of where I've been and what I've done. However, I have more vivid memories because my brain was forced to engage.

I want to live my life IN my life. And so, while my body is on auto-pilot either driving down the road, walking from my car to campus, or just doing everyday work, my brain needs to take time and observe what's around me. Because all around us is intense beauty and intricate lives.

We just have to take a moment to really SEE those familiar roads once again.

Flux...

The interesting thing about flux is that it can be a good thing or a bad thing. It just depends on how you deal with it. Thankfully, I've been in a time of flux, and I've learned enough in the last few years to use it for good. I believe I wrote last time about lessons I'd learned during this time, but please don't be mislead and think these times are over. This is continuing. I'm at what you might call, a turning point, in my life. Reconciling my past with my present (and then, of course, with my future). This is an interesting place to be. The past is not easy to deal with, and, mine in particular, is difficult to place in my present. I try to run from my past on a regular basis, and that is exactly what I can't do anymore.

So, today, I went and spoke to one of my professors. This is a very good thing, because, like I said, I tend to run. Working on a project for this class has been very healing but has also brought me to the point that I don't know if I want to share the project I've done. After all, it brings up the past. And by bringing up my past in this project, it implies I'm sharing my past with my classmates. This scares me. It will put me in this vulnerable place (where I actually already am thanks to the situation from a few weeks ago). It's a place that's scary to be in. But today when we spoke, we decided a few things about the presentation of my project that I think will make it better. It will make it more productive for the group and more safe for me. I am not scared of sharing, but, more, scared of the reaction of my classmates. That is always my fear. How will the people around me respond to it? In this situation, I think it will be good for both the group and myself.

I am really appreciative of this particular professor who has kind of walked these fields with me as we figure out how I am to interact in this class. And I really appreciate the feedback he had about sharing my work with the class. I really think this plan is for the best. It's still scary, but it's not supposed to be easy. But my story isn't just my story. Many people share all or part of this story, too. In the ministry, we will encounter people with similar stories. It is important to face them.

And it is important for me to show everyone who I really am. There are a select few who see the other side of me, but really, most still see the "beast" (the one who can get through and do anything). And maybe I can do a lot, but I'm not invincible. My professor said to me today that after our little situation, that he enjoys the "real" me. And that's one of the things, too. When I tell my story, it's revealing me. People look at me differently (or at least, it is perceived that way). But they really aren't LOOKING differently. They are SEEING differently. Because now, they have the whole picture. Now it is a 3D picture rather than 2D, and we all know that 3D is much more interesting, anyway...

It's time for me to be 3D.

And that's scary, but it's incredibly freeing.

Scars

I've been dealing with a tough situation recently, and of course, when things get tough, we tend not to share as much as we normally do. I'm not going to go into details about it because I've basically gotten to the point that I can't think about it anymore, and there is no more writing to be done about it. EXCEPT, that is, to pull out the lessons I've learned and share them with anyone who might come across this page.

This issue all started with an unintentional comment from one person, and turned into two weeks of turmoil. First lesson: think before you speak. He even knew he hadn't meant to say it that way as soon as it happened. But you can't take back the words after they're out. It's not a tape. It's in the books. And it was in my heart. Like a sword to the core of my being.

But that's not really the lessons I wanted to pull out. These are more of the lessons that I've really been dealing with and trying to get a handle on:

1) It's okay to hurt. It's okay to have pain. And it's okay to FEEL that pain.

2) It's okay to reach out for help. I have honestly talked to like six people (maybe eight... actually, maybe nine?) about this issue in various ways. And each has given me the best they can. For some, they just listened. One apologized (the one who had made the comment). Others helped me walk through it and work out the real issues at work here. And still others helped me practically by being there to pull me by my bootstraps when I was getting frustrated. Each of these people had their role in this, and each helped me to get through it.

3) It's okay to stand up for yourself. In fact, it's MANDATORY. I stood up for myself with the 'offender' in the sense that I had to go to him and talk to him about what he had said and how it had hurt me. It's not easy, but there was no way I was going to be able to continue forward with that person without that conversation. I did NOT, however, stand up for myself where I needed to the most, and that is my own fault, and (through permission of one of the people I talked to) I am going to fix that should a situation arise again like what has knocked me down.

4) You cannot fix everything. Nor can you make a horse drink at the river. I can only be there. My frustration with a certain situation has to stop in some respect because I can't fix it. Only time will tell. All I can do is be around and ready if the opportunity presents itself.

5) It is not okay to let people hurt you. People can only hurt if you let them. I don't know if this is coming out right. Maybe it is better like this: They can only victimize you if you let yourself be the victim. Don't be the victim. Stand up for yourself!

6) It is okay to let people feel for you. And in fact, is sometimes needed. I explained something to one person, and for the first time in my life, someone was as angry as I was about it. It was therapeutic and made my feelings somewhat vindicated. It is seriously the first time I've seen someone as angry about it as I felt about it. And you know what? That anger is okay. Some situations deserve anger. It's what you do about that anger that is the question.

7) Over-thinking is bad. I over-think. In this case, I feel like it has allowed me to move through it more quickly and better than I would have in the past, but it's still not good. Which is why I'm not dwelling on the situation in this post, but on the lessons I learned.

8) God is good. He has blessed me beyond belief with people around me that are awesome and truly care. He knows where I am, and He knows what I need.

O, and lesson 9! Sometimes, it's good to have people in your life that will just kick you in the pants and say "NO". And you know what? I was GLAD to hear that "no". It took a huge decision off my shoulders. That person also kicked me in the pants another way and said "no", and while I wasn't as GLAD to hear that one, I knew he was definitely right.

Okay. Now, seriously, I'm done. I have to do some Hebrew homework and then should probably work to get caught up on Old Testament...

Peace.

Octobers are different...

It's hard for me to sit here and remember that if I were at my old job, that I would be stressing out at this point about RSM examinations. Making sure students were prepared, and making sure all the schedules were in order for the three days that culminate the hard work they had put in. Running around trying to arrange recitals, practice tests, and perfecting pieces and accompanist issues...

It surely was a completely different situation...

This October, I'm eagerly awaiting fall break, gearing up for exams and mid-terms of my own, and writing papers... I'm managing my own schedule and not 70 other peoples'. I am not responsible to, in reality, anyone but me.

And is that more pressure or less?

You'd think it would be less, because it is just one person. It is only me and it is easier to assert control over yourself than other people. To make decisions that affect one and not a hoard. However, for me, at times it actually seems more difficult. The pressure is on, and it's on ME. There is no-one else to pass it off to. In my old position, I knew there was only so much I could do. The ultimate outcome would come down to how much effort the student wanted to put forth. Of course, it REFLECTED upon me and the job I was doing, but it wasn't MY result coming from the examiner. It was a reflection of the work of the student, the teachers, the department head, and eventually, the whole school and their support (or lack of support)...

These tests ultimately come down to the work I've put in. And I'm a perfectionist. Which means I'm always struggling to make myself better. I always expected better of my students, but I hold their standards high because I expect even MORE from myself... This idea of striving for the best ultimately serves them well, because they know someone is behind them who will push them and be there for them even if they feel they could have done better. I expected the same from my staff. I would push them to be the best they could be, and to learn more about their jobs and expand their horizons because I KNEW they could do it.

And I push myself to strive for more and to know more, and to do more. Why? Because I know that I should be able to do this... I push myself because someone has to... Because for me, "getting through" is not good enough.

I strive to do what I do, the best I can. And that makes this job (being a student) even harder than before. Because the pressure is on myself. And the results come back for me and my future.

You have to breath through the anxiety and take it one step at a time...

Which is why this morning, which would normally have had probably an RSM recital, was spent in a study group of amazing people, getting ready for my first BIG exam of school (I've already had one in Hebrew). Working the hardest I can to do the best I can. And of course, any excuse to make banana pancakes is an awesome thing... O, and chai...

And now on to homework... I plan to complete it all by mid-afternoon and then go for a walk in the crisp fall air and enjoy the rest of my evening relaxing...

It's totally worth it...

Now, c'mon and ask me questions about Genesis, because I have a test on it on Tuesday and need to know it!!!! :-)

A season of being fed...

So, I find that, since being back, there is a lot I want to write about (but now struggle with finding the time), but I think it has a lot to do with being in a season of being fed.

Overseas, it can be difficult to always be fed. To hear new information to work with, and to keep yourself up.

Well, now I'm being force-fed a whole bunch of new information and it gives me so much new meat to chew that it is almost too much sometimes! And I'm not even close to kidding. I have insane amounts of work to do (this week, I think I will turn in 18 pages of writing), and I have to sleep.

But I really enjoy it! The information, at least, not necessarily the work load. I am reading Genesis, reading Augustine, reading the founders of the Baptist tradition, and I am CRACKING UP! Not even close to being a joke. I truly believe that there are amazing moments of comedy in the Bible and that Biblical scholars are no better... In fact, their commentary sometimes just makes the moments in the Bible that more absurd! (Take for example the story of Essau and Jacob. The commentator said: "How hairy was Essau that goat skin felt the same as he did?"...) Seriously?

Or even, this exchange of treatises(writings) in early America between Roger Williams(Baptist, and defender of religious liberty) and John Cotton (supporter/defender of Standing Order, aka: trying to make a state church like they had in England):
RW (1644): The Bloudy Tenent of Persecution for Cause of Conscience Discussed
JC (1647): The Bloudy Tenent, Washed, and Made White in the Bloud of the Lamb
RW (1652): The Bloudy Tenent, yet More Bloudy: By Mr Cottons Endeavor to Wash It White in the Bloud of the Lambe

How can you NOT laugh at that?

Or even this passage after Rachel stole the idols from her father's house before she fled with Leah and Jacob:
Gen 31:34-35 (Laban is in Jacob's camp looking for his idols that he is SURE someone took from him): Rachel, meanwhile, had taken the idols and placed them in the camel cushion and sat on them; and Laban rummaged through the tent without finding them. For she said to her father, "Let not my lord take it amiss that I cannot rise before you, for the period of women is upon me." Thus he searched, but could not find the household idols.

Seriously?!

How can you not find humor and just pure outrageousness in the Bible? I'm not trying to sound heretical or anything, but it's interesting to read it with certain inputs that spin the story just a little bit and bring out to you the things you haven't noticed before. To take it slowly and really read the words and commentary on it and see just how absurd a situation actually is. It's very interesting.

And in fact, I'm going to have to go on and do some more homework... I have a lot to do before Thursday but just wanted to take a moment and write an entry.

Another day, another time, I'll have more to say.

Peace!

Birthrights....

So, my old computer is updating and installing a new anti-virus, so I have some time... there is no guarantee that it will start after this reboot, but we'll try... (This is why I had to buy a new computer in mid-July. The old one just can't decide if it's going to work at any given time.) Why am I putting up with this nonsense for hours on end for the past few nights? O, because there is a $600 piece of software (well, two of them) on that Windows based machine that I need to use for a project for one of my jobs. So I'm trying to get it working long enough to get the task done...

So I'll write on this topic that came to me earlier today.

I'm reading this book called Let Your Life Speak, and in one of the chapters, he is talking about birthrights. We are born into a birthright, in the sense that we are born with gifts that are going to be used in our vocation. Notice, this word is not OCCUPATION. In our vocation, our gifts are of the utmost importance and used to the best of their ability.

Being at school has made me realize (as if I didn't already know this, but it confirms it even more) how indebted I am to the childhood I had. I have always known it was a fantastic childhood (with the exception of a few things). I was truly blessed by my family and the community I was born into (both as a town and as a church).

In the book, the author talks about being born into a birthright, and then, throughout time, people take and mold you into something else, whether by design or not. Eventually, you either learn to live with your lesser self, or you become so disillusioned with it that you then go searching for what your vocation was supposed to be. Drawing on the experiences and activities that you enjoyed when you were a child.

Well, the first 11 years of my life were amazing. I knew who I was, what my place was, what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I was fully supported by those around me. When people talked to me, they didn't try to change me. I had a community around me that was uplifting and caring. There were people that completely loved me for me.

Is it any wonder that, as an adult, I want to be back there? Is that really a surprise? People say you can't go back to where you came from. And in the sense that the place isn't going to be the same, that is true. However, for me, that was my 'happy place' and being back there still makes me happy. It is a slower pace of life, much like the life I lived overseas. It is based around the people close to you. It is a place that is just awesome all around.

My birthright left when I left that place. It took a long time for me to find it again. Thankfully I found it earlier rather than later. I just wish I had never lost it.

I can go back to where I'm from. It's different, but it's the same. It's family.

My ayah...

Well, obviously not *my* ayah anymore, but still...

There have been a few times at night, when I'm closing up the house getting ready to go to bed, when I'll have the thought "I should go do XXXX so that Mary can find it tomorrow" or "I really need to organize this so it's not so hard for Mary in the morning" or even "I need to leave a note for Mary. I just don't have the time to do it myself!!!"....

The conversation in my head normally goes as follows:

Ummm, girl, you don't have an ayah anymore.....

O. That's right. I'll just put this down then, and do it in the morning.


HA! It's funny how things stick in your head sometimes. I never thought I'd grow accustomed to having a maid, nor come to depend on her so much. Thankfully, though, I did enough myself that I have not forgotten all of my skills, and I stay up with my dishes and laundry and grocery shopping all on my own. Though, sometimes, it'll be a day or two late... But that's okay. The convenience of Mary being around was great, and she really helped me in a place where doing everything yourself is not always possible. Sometimes, I wish I could have brought her with me! That's okay, though. My house is not a mess. I can do all my own laundry. And lo and behold!!! The laundry can be finished on the same day it is washed!!! Who would have thought that was possible? I mean, washed, dried, folded and put away!!! NO WAY!!!

It's true, though. It really is. I wouldn't joke about such things.

It took me awhile to get used to the sounds of the language where I used to live. But once I did, learning the words became a lot easier. However, now they are slipping out of my head. I have to sit and think "What was that word, again???"... and hope that it pops into my head at some point in the near future before I forget what word I'm trying to think of...

And now I'm learning ANOTHER language. This time, though, I'm learning it properly. And it's not a spoken language (though we will be reading it), but written. I am writing new letters, and doing it formally. Lessons. Learning the alphabet. Memorizing things. This is not hob-nobbed like I've learned previous languages (with the exception of latin). I haven't learned a single word in 3 lessons. I don't have a post-it note on my table with the word "anja" on it, and the definition. Mind you, the definition of "anja" varies based on which language you are learning it in. But still. I don't know if learning the language properly will be easier or harder than trying to learn the colloquial language where I used to live. I hope, though, that the time in this class continues to pass as fast as it has been. I feel as if the class time needs to double just so I understand more (though I really enjoy finishing class by 2pm!!)...

I miss my ayah.

Time to pray...

Well, actually, that should probably be my title for another entry that is currently sitting in a word document on my desktop because it's not finished yet... but still...

I say it's time to pray because today, I finished my orientation for DivSchool. The orientation itself was great, and the other students that came were very helpful, and I really enjoyed myself. However, it also leaves me in this place where I'm like "AHH!! Can I do this????"...

I'm still short on my medical forms. Praying UNCG does my records quickly so I can go ahead and get that behind me. And then it's time for books and such. Bought some that I'll need the very first day, but then I'll have a whole bunch more to buy after that.

AND, I have papers due the first day of class. ::sigh:: I don't know why I'm doing this or even if I'm capable of doing this. It's going to take a lot of planning. I love where I live, but I wonder if commuting is just going to make it that much more difficult, you know?

But really. It doesn't seem like a lot, but who really knows until I'm in there.

My schedule is like this:
MWF: Hebrew
T/Th: OT Interpretation, Art of MInistry, History of Christianity, History of Baptists

That's it. It's the two history classes that I think will honestly have the most work in them. Baptist History isn't an examination class, but it does require papers for every meeting.

It's time for me to buy a bigger calendar.

Pray for me as I begin this journey. In the next couple days I will finish up the entry on prayer that I have, and I will share that with you all, as well.

Different

You know, there are a lot of devotionals out there. A lot of people who are reading the Word and then sharing what they've read. People who remind us of the truths presented throughout those pages.

I want this blog to be different. Of course, I'm always reflecting on what I'm learning and reading and the truths of God, but I want people to see the real struggles and joys of life in this blog. I'm not "better than" anyone else, I'm just a person. And *this* person, when feeling really down, can even be DIScouraged by someone just quoting lines to me. I need to know that I'm not alone. Don't act high and mighty, act like a person. So I'm going to act like a person. I don't want to be "preachy". I want to be REAL. The world needs more real.

I have internet now at my house. This is really the first fully available, strong, reliable internet that I've had since my return from overseas. Now, I can get back to writing.

:-)

Home away from home away from home...

So, life is complicated. It always has been and always will be. But WHY? That is really the question. I really wonder why it is more complicated than it seems it should be. Is it the government? Is it nosy people? Is it taxes? Is it the internet? I don't know why, but I do know that there are certain longings in my heart that most things can't help with.

What are the longings of my heart?
-To spend more time with my family. Having daily life with them and enjoying eachother's company.
-To be in SE Asia. God really placed this country on my heart and it is hard for me to not be jealous when I hear of people who are going over, are over there, or live there. I want to be there. I want to keep serving.
-I want to help. I want to use the gifts God has given me and help people. Whether that is helping someone laugh today who hasn't, or making dinner for someone. I just want to help.
-I want money to grow on trees. That's the truth. :-)

I'm sitting in my home away from home away from home away... well, it could keep going. Technically, the house I am sitting in right now was my first home when I was a baby. That's funny when I think about it. I'm sitting here, enjoying a quiet day at the house because it is too hot outside to do anything. I have the pleasure of having the a/c run around me all day to keep me cool. I have clean water to drink. It is not complicated or a life-changing decision for me to take out a box of mac and cheese and make it with my cousin. But man, I sit here LONGING to be overseas, where things seemed so much more complicated, but were really just more simple. I enjoy the simple life.

When I return south, I will be moving into my own place. I will have somewhere to live for what I hope to be the next three years of my life. A place to come home to at the end of the day. I place to welcome other people and share my life with them, and them to share their lives with me. It's hard to compare my "first home" to the home I'm moving into now. My first home had cement walls, a gas stove, an electric oven, a small fridge, a tin roof, and a steel pot belly used to heat the house. I'm moving into a place that has real walls, power, clean water... and I want the simple. The simple is so annoying when you're trying to bake cookies and power goes out, or you're trying to take a shower... It's annoying when all of a sudden it starts raining and the hole in your roof continues to grow... but man, life was so much simpler.

I'm in my first home, thinking of MY first home... and preparing to move into another home... it's a crazy feeling.

This summer has been amazing. I have enjoyed the time with family SO much. They have really made what could have been a long and boring summer fun and exciting. It is ending too quickly. In a week and a half I will be back down south, moving my stuff, and wishing I could spend just one more day with my sister... one more afternoon with my cousin... one more evening with my aunt and uncle... another morning with my father... You don't get to do this often, but I'm glad I had the time this summer to do it.

Home is a good place. No matter where it is.

O, and did I mention that I miss Asia?

Stories, stories, stories...

So, I've been back for a few days now (probably about 9 or 10), and MAN! I could tell you some stories. I've had some freak-out, anxious, happy, sad, down-right depressed, and even ecstatic moments... It's been a whirl-wind to say the least.

One of the things that helped me last week, though, was a devotional that just hit me where I needed it and said to just do what God was calling you to do. He told me to go to seminary, so that's what I'm doing. There will be rough times, but they will get better. America is so much more different than what I remember, and that's probably more because I have changed, rather than it has changed. (However, I think the debit cards on snack machines are new. I have NEVER seen that before!)

I have been driving again, and I realized just how MUCH I missed that. It has been great to drive again (paying for gas, however, is NOT great).

I will be moving into my own place in August, and I'm really excited about that, but a little appalled at how much things cost... that is not going to be fun!! However, I *DO* like decorating, and have already been planning everything.

I'm going to head off for now, but expect some stories at various points of time. They WILL be coming.

Much, much closer...

Ya know, life is funny.

I haven't been too terribly emotional about my leaving. At least not in public. However, it's the littlest moments that make the emotion come out. Today, it was in hanging out with a friend and her son. Knowing I won't see him learn to walk. I won't be around to drink tea with my friend. To bother during the day.

Eating lunch or dinner with friends, knowing our conversations won't happen again. At least not in the same way, and not in the near future. The baby who pats your arm as you pat her back.

The friends who stop by your office on the way to theirs.

The high five in the staff lounge.

Knowing someone else will be sitting in 'your' chair next year.

Knowing you won't sleep in your house again.

The end is so close. But that also means so are new beginnings. I try hard to focus on the new adventure, but closing this chapter is not easy.

I'm really going to miss my friends here. (And my students, too.)

Before...

So, it's almost time for me to go home. And that is crazy insane. There is still so much to do that I can't even believe it. But what has really struck me is connections.

Facebook is an amazing thing. Through it, I have found friends from high school that, otherwise, I might never have heard from again. My best friend from growing up was found, and now, I don't just get to hear about her life when I head up north and I'm at church, but I actually KNOW what's going on in her life, and can talk to her.

It also allows me, at times, to talk to people who know the 'old me'. Sometimes that is comforting, and sometimes, it is terrifying. Talking to someone who knows where I've come from is also someone that knows my weaknesses. They aren't blinded by whatever I seem to be now. They aren't fooled when I talk about certain things.

But they also understand that my biggest fear going back is:

Who I was before.

Does that sound weird? Because it shouldn't. I've changed a lot since high school. And yet, I'm going back to the same area. I'm going to be in the middle of the same place where some of the worst times of my life happened.

And I know my faith is stronger than it was before. I know I'm smarter than before. I know God's strength is bigger than I could ever imagine...

But I know who I was. And I don't want to be that person again.

That is the hardest part about going back. But telling someone, someone who knew me back when, was a relief. And hearing them say "I see you're pictures, and you look TRULY happy in them now" is comforting.

I'm different. God continually shows me new things. And he never leads us somewhere that He will not keep us.

No matter what we were 'before'.

Opposites.

Now, most of you know that I'm not an overly emotional person. I don't cry (at least not in public), and I'm generally calm headed.

However, there are times when I'm so angry I can feel it pumping off of me. When I just don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling in that moment. Again, these are rare moments, but they sometimes lead to people seeing how much I care in very unexpected ways.

But that gets down to the point: It's because I care SO MUCH. See, I don't do things that I don't care about. And when things start going the wrong way despite my actions, I get upset. It starts out with me working even harder. (And let me tell you, I WORK, so to work HARDER is nearly impossible for most people.) But when things happen over and over again to push against that work, I get angry. When it gets to a point where you feel you are backed into a corner, it's natural instinct to claw and fight your way out. And all my mind is telling me is: FIGHT IT! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! DO THE *RIGHT* THING!!!!

In this situation, I'm not even going to be here for it to affect me. So why do I care? Because I worked so hard. Because I spent days from 7am to 10pm in my office. Because I stepped in at the hardest time of the year. Because I have done everything in my ability for these students and this program and this school.

And then it feels personal. Because it seems like all that work is being ignored. In one decision, a person can knock down what it's taken three years to build. And that feels like a slap in the face. Right to the heart of me. Because that's what I used to get through the hard times before: my heart. My heart for these kids. For my colleagues. For this program.

So now, I'm trying to learn the opposite of what you'd think I'd learn over here. I'm trying to learn NOT to care. And not to the point of being apathetic. But to the point where it's not personal. No-one is saying anything about me PERSONALLY by making these decisions or saying certain things. They are doing what they believe is best. At the moment, my opinion isn't irrelevant. I'm still the one signing the papers, and paying the bills. But as soon as I leave, it is.

For all I know, the day I leave could be the day they decide to scrap the program entirely. But that's not my call. They could sell all the instruments, but that's my call.

At the end of it, I know I put my heart and soul into the program for three years. Completely. I worked hard and advocated when my colleagues felt like they weren't being heard. When my students had complaints, I listened and tried to help them find the solution. When a staff member needed help, I met with them. When something needed to be done, I got dirty and did it.

I'm not afraid of hard work. I like it. It keeps me motivated.

And I'm going to try to be my opposite. And learn to keep it all in perspective.

::sigh::

More and more (or less and less)

My time is dwindling... and how am I spending this weekend? Stuck at home with a fever and no energy to get out of bed. I feel significantly better right now than I did 24 hours ago, but I hope some more rest will leave me ready for the last two weeks of school.

The to-do lists keep getting longer and the time keeps getting shorter. There are less than two weeks until the last day of school (11 days actually), and 13 days until graduation. Slightly more days until I leave this place.

I'm trying to use up all the stuff in my house, getting my packing under control. Cleaning my office. There is so much left to do. Life will be taking a big change at the end of the month. I hope America is ready for me!!! :-)

Anyway, I'm going to run off now and sleep some more.

Wow...

I'm really bad at blogging. Sorry about that.

Today we didn't have school because of local elections. FANTASTIC! I really enjoy not having school randomly. Not that I don't love my students and my job, but it is really nice to have a day off. I also really needed the day off because I felt my cold coming back last night. I could feel it in my throat, chest and head. I've been fighting this cold since January and it's been coming and going all the time.

I got sun poisoning over long weekend (the first of the month), and just now my scales are finally gone (seriously, I looked like a snake), but there are a lot of scabs where they were. Sun poisoning is NOT FUN. I cannot wait until it's all gone and my skin looks normal again.

The music festival went off well last month, and since then (other than long weekend), I've been helping prep the Easter Cantata. It's starting to come together and it will be good to see the completed performance.

Now, we're really on our way towards the end of the semester. There's really only 5 weeks left until the last day of school. It is crazy how fast each semester goes. There is a lot left to do before the end of school. Pray I can get it all done.

I had some interesting conversations over the last few days. It fascinates me what students wonder about, and it's nice to sit down with them in a casual setting and have the conversations they don't normally get to have, and I love watching them question their beliefs and really dig deep for answers.

Not much longer left at all... and working through it... three years passed so quickly... ::sigh:: I'm going to miss this place.

Music Festival

Tomorrow will be the first ever Music Festival at school. We have invited another school to come and we will be doing workshops and rehearsals for two days and put on a concert at the end of it. I will be at school bright and early in the morning to get it all started.

It will be very good to have this done. I'm really excited about it, but I'll be very glad when all the work is done. :-)

If you are my friend on facebook, you should follow my 365 album. My life is insanely boring, and I often forget to take pictures, but hopefully you can just follow along and get an idea of what goes on over here.

Two weeks from right now, I'll be on the beach enjoying the sun. I'm so excited about it! It's going to be wonderful! I'm just going to relax. That's all.

But for now, I'm heading off. It's almost time for bed so I can be up and at it tomorrow morning... and believe me, I'll be drinking a big cup of chai in the morning!!!

Whew...

Busy, busy, busy. That's the theme of March.

I just got back from a trip out of town and really enjoyed it. Got to be part of something that I haven't been to yet, and it was wonderful. A good time with great people is always welcome!!!

And now I've really started the cleaning up process... Sold some of my stuff tonight and I'm making lists for gifts and just trying to get everything together to take back... thinking about how I'm going to pack and what needs to go back, what doesn't. Really just prioritizing my needs.

::sigh::

I'm even considering carrying a third bag pack with me because I just don't know if I'll have enough room. It's not that I have all that much stuff myself, but I brought a lot of material for the department that is my personal property and will need to come back, as well. My personal things actually aren't that much. I'm selling a great deal. But alas.

Working on it.

Lots to do before I go. And, as my mom keeps reminding me, there's not a lot of time left...

So, who's feeding me when I return???? ;-)

Slowing down

So, while my computer was dead and gone, I really took time to slow down in my life. I was at school until at least 7pm every day, but when I got home, everything was different. I turned on worship music, cooked some dinner, sat at the table and ate it, read some, and then went to bed.

My computer has been back for a couple weeks and I'm on it all the time again (probably not as bad as I was before it broke, but still a lot)... I use it to check my work e-mail as soon as I get home from work. I also check it right before I go to work... as if in the 10 minutes that it takes me to lock my door, walk to work, and unlock my office (and vice versa) an e-mail would come that's so vital those 10 minutes are HUGE....

Sheesh. I don't need that in my life. Time to make some rules. I downloaded some books onto my computer when it came back, but ya know what? Reading a book on the computer is not nearly as satisfying as having the real book in your hands. I do not like it nearly as much.

I need to limit the internet. Limit the videos (movies, tv shows, etc). Limit the e-mail. Sleep at regular times. Eat at regular times. Be normal. I just read an article about being too attached to technology. Yepp, it's definitely my vice.

More another day...

Groundhog's Day

So, does anyone know if the groundhog saw it's shadow? Not that it really matters to me, but as there's been a lot of snow on that side of the world, I imagine you guys would appreciate the end of winter.

February is bringing with it a lot of adventures. Field trip is two weeks from now. Two weeks later I am going out of town for a personal trip. Two weeks after that, we are having a music festival with a school coming here. Two weeks later, long weekend. Then three weeks later, the Easter Cantata, followed the next weekend by the final concerts. My final concerts at the school. Carnegie Hall might be having some representatives come during this time, too.

A lot going on this semester.

I am doing a lot of work beyond just my normal work.

Working on enjoying my time here before I go anywhere.

Tired. Love you all, and I'll write more later!

Silence

My computer has been trashed since returning to the mountain top. Someone came over and looked at it, and told me how much it might cost, and I was not excited. However, I sent it down to be looked at and, hopefully, fixed. That was around the fifth. I just found out I should be getting it back on Monday.

It means my house has been insanely boring. I have my music playing all the time, and I've been reading. No internet. The new phone helps for the weekend when I need a quick check of e-mail, but I haven't used it more than probably 10 minutes in a single day. All my internet is finished at school and when I get home, just dinner, reading and sleeping.

The stillness that comes without having a computer has been nice. I debated getting it fixed at times. But, now it's already fixed and on the way back. Let's see how much I can keep this up.

Just saying I'm still around. Just not around the internet much.

Love you all!