The interesting thing about flux is that it can be a good thing or a bad thing. It just depends on how you deal with it. Thankfully, I've been in a time of flux, and I've learned enough in the last few years to use it for good. I believe I wrote last time about lessons I'd learned during this time, but please don't be mislead and think these times are over. This is continuing. I'm at what you might call, a turning point, in my life. Reconciling my past with my present (and then, of course, with my future). This is an interesting place to be. The past is not easy to deal with, and, mine in particular, is difficult to place in my present. I try to run from my past on a regular basis, and that is exactly what I can't do anymore.
So, today, I went and spoke to one of my professors. This is a very good thing, because, like I said, I tend to run. Working on a project for this class has been very healing but has also brought me to the point that I don't know if I want to share the project I've done. After all, it brings up the past. And by bringing up my past in this project, it implies I'm sharing my past with my classmates. This scares me. It will put me in this vulnerable place (where I actually already am thanks to the situation from a few weeks ago). It's a place that's scary to be in. But today when we spoke, we decided a few things about the presentation of my project that I think will make it better. It will make it more productive for the group and more safe for me. I am not scared of sharing, but, more, scared of the reaction of my classmates. That is always my fear. How will the people around me respond to it? In this situation, I think it will be good for both the group and myself.
I am really appreciative of this particular professor who has kind of walked these fields with me as we figure out how I am to interact in this class. And I really appreciate the feedback he had about sharing my work with the class. I really think this plan is for the best. It's still scary, but it's not supposed to be easy. But my story isn't just my story. Many people share all or part of this story, too. In the ministry, we will encounter people with similar stories. It is important to face them.
And it is important for me to show everyone who I really am. There are a select few who see the other side of me, but really, most still see the "beast" (the one who can get through and do anything). And maybe I can do a lot, but I'm not invincible. My professor said to me today that after our little situation, that he enjoys the "real" me. And that's one of the things, too. When I tell my story, it's revealing me. People look at me differently (or at least, it is perceived that way). But they really aren't LOOKING differently. They are SEEING differently. Because now, they have the whole picture. Now it is a 3D picture rather than 2D, and we all know that 3D is much more interesting, anyway...
It's time for me to be 3D.
And that's scary, but it's incredibly freeing.
So, today, I went and spoke to one of my professors. This is a very good thing, because, like I said, I tend to run. Working on a project for this class has been very healing but has also brought me to the point that I don't know if I want to share the project I've done. After all, it brings up the past. And by bringing up my past in this project, it implies I'm sharing my past with my classmates. This scares me. It will put me in this vulnerable place (where I actually already am thanks to the situation from a few weeks ago). It's a place that's scary to be in. But today when we spoke, we decided a few things about the presentation of my project that I think will make it better. It will make it more productive for the group and more safe for me. I am not scared of sharing, but, more, scared of the reaction of my classmates. That is always my fear. How will the people around me respond to it? In this situation, I think it will be good for both the group and myself.
I am really appreciative of this particular professor who has kind of walked these fields with me as we figure out how I am to interact in this class. And I really appreciate the feedback he had about sharing my work with the class. I really think this plan is for the best. It's still scary, but it's not supposed to be easy. But my story isn't just my story. Many people share all or part of this story, too. In the ministry, we will encounter people with similar stories. It is important to face them.
And it is important for me to show everyone who I really am. There are a select few who see the other side of me, but really, most still see the "beast" (the one who can get through and do anything). And maybe I can do a lot, but I'm not invincible. My professor said to me today that after our little situation, that he enjoys the "real" me. And that's one of the things, too. When I tell my story, it's revealing me. People look at me differently (or at least, it is perceived that way). But they really aren't LOOKING differently. They are SEEING differently. Because now, they have the whole picture. Now it is a 3D picture rather than 2D, and we all know that 3D is much more interesting, anyway...
It's time for me to be 3D.
And that's scary, but it's incredibly freeing.
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