Excess

Watch this video first: 

http://www.qideas.org/video/the-endless-cycle-of-want.aspx

As I post my 200th post, and having survived Thanksgiving and even one store at midnight last night (for shoes, no less), I'm thinking thoughts that I think a lot...

What is enough?

See, I can seem a bit like a hoarder. Mostly because America is a bit of a hoarder. We all seem to need to hoard everything and have a lot, and the biggest, and the best... and I try to do my best to not be like that. I really do. I don't often buy the newest or best thing; I go for the time tested, rugged, it-will-last-another-hundred-years-and-I-found-it-at-a-yard-sale kind of purchases. I dream of someday having a new car, but even then I don't think I really want a brand new car. I'm fine with the 2002 Honda Civic I bought a few months ago when my 2000 Alero decided it was done. I get great gas mileage, have no loan, and it's a car that I should be able to get a good 100k more miles out of if I so choose. I live in a house that is a good size, and it is available for purchase if I want it for a VERY good deal - which is why I'm constantly considering it. It is a house that I could probably stand to live in for up to marriage and maybe two kids depending on how close in age they are. It's 1100 sq feet are a bit excessive when I'm home alone, but it's nice when I've got another (or two) full-sized adults staying here.

And when I moved, I was looking into night stands and shelves and all of these things, and I kept telling myself, "Don't buy things with more storage space, because then you'll just have to fill it up!!!" And the last thing I need in my life is more STUFF. I've already got enough stuff. And yet I fall too easily into buying more stuff. Last night, I went out and bought three new pairs of shoes. Granted, one was to replace a pair that is currently falling apart badly, and another to replace a pair that I had to throw away the other day, so I've really only netted one pair of shoes, but I didn't really need all three. Maybe two of them I needed, but I got three. I had my old phone for 2.5 years before I bought my new one, and then I bought the "newest and best"... knowing fully well that I'm going to keep this one for two and half years and not upgrade as soon as the next one comes out...

But I look in my closet - and my new closet is at least twice the size as my old one (one of my dressers is IN my closer), and I keep buying stuff to put in it. I have to keep buying hangars. SO MANY CLOTHES! To the point that it feels like there is too much choice at the beginning of the day. It's not that I have nothing to wear, but it's that there's so much to choose from.

And then we look at my kitchen, and here's where I really struggle. Clothes I can almost justify, because my size varies so much from day to day depending on medicine, or food, or... well... all women know it fluctuates... but food. Let's talk about food.

Why do we have so many cupboards in our kitchens? And why do I think it's necessary to have my cupboards full? There was a while where I felt like I was doing something wrong because my fridge was basically empty ALL. THE. TIME. All the other fridges I look into are stuffed to the brim with no room for anything else. No. Not me. At any given time I have two to three shelves empty. And I've learned that that's a good thing.

But back to the cupboards...

I've got so much stuff in my cupboards. Spices. Okay, hoarde those to an extent because a bottle of an awesome spice can last a long time and is versatile, but why do I feel like I always have to have boxed mixes of *something* in my cupboard? Why do I feel like I always have to have macaroni? Why must there always be soup? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH STUFF?!?!?!??!?!?! I've learned a lot for me about why I have to have my two shelves plus a lazy susan (and my freezer) full - I'm always scared that at some point I won't have enough money and so I should have extra food so I can eat anyway. This is the same way I feel about my house. I will make sure I have rent money before I do anything else. As long as I have a roof, I'm good. Second comes food... So, I make sure I've got enough.

But really, this is a lot of excess. Why? What is the purpose of this? Why do we buy bulk at Sam's? I've got a card for a free membership to Sam's and I can't figure out why I would go over there and get it. I mean, I guess the prices are good, but do I really need all that food? and to buy it all in bulk? Really? I think I've got plenty and I'm really good at finding awesome deals. Plus, the gas to get all the way to the store kind of negates it.

I don't need to be creating more shelves to put more stuff on to collect more dust.

I need to use what I have.

My worst hoarding product, and here I'm being completely honest: BOOKS.

I love books.

I will probably own a library at some point in my life.

So I hoard these more than I hoard anything else.

So, I'm thinking right now, that my new year's resolution coming up (and really beginning as soon as school is out and I have some time to sit and do it), is cleaning out my life again and having less excess. Because the problem is that some of the stuff I have is completely useless. It's NEVER used, so why do I keep it? I have aspirations of some day using these things, and with only a few exceptions, this is never going to happen... so why not get rid of it? Why not start going through this?

So, my goal for BEFORE the first of the year is to go through and get rid of things that don't need to be here and figure out what I am *actually* lacking - which is only one thing that I can think of right now, and it's something I've just been too lazy to get done right. But it's time for the excess to go. I just keep getting more!!!

Even if my shoes are cute, it's time.

Even if I might really want mac&cheese tomorrow, it's time.

Even if miiiiiiiiiiiight use that doo-dad-thing over there, it's time.

It's much to simple to fall into the lull of excesss, and it's not a lull that I want to be in.

Time to be simple....

"Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free..."

Thanksgiving 2013

Some things I'm thankful for: 

1) I live away from most of my family, and have for over half of my life. This means that I've had to learn to form a different kind of family, and I am thankful that the people I've found welcome me and love me, and let me love them. This is an amazing gift that is worth more than anything.

2) I am thankful for the Thanksgiving dinner I had today with my two younger brothers and my mother. I don't know how this came to be, but the boys and I cry laughing nearly the entire time we eat holiday meals together. We will not be all together at Christmas, or at Easter, or Memorial Day.. but sometime in the summer we should be ready to do it again... Until then, I am thankful for Skype and Viber. Technology can be awesome.

3) I am forever grateful for heat, electricity, gas, carpet, and numerous other things that we like to take for granted. It is so nice to walk into your house and be warm, and I don't think it will ever be "old hat" to me again. Sure downstairs is colder than upstairs, but heat rises, and that is fine with me.

4) I am thankful for the ability to work. Sure, waking up isn't always fun, and sometimes it's crazy busy in my life, but I am thankful for it.

5) I am thankful for my education. Again, sometimes it is busy, and crazy, and I wonder what in the world I was thinking, but as I near the end, I know I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and made friends that will last forever.

6) I am thankful for the people that continue to pour into me. Whether it is words of encouragement, or words of advice, I am thankful they care enough to speak them and help me flourish.

7) I am thankful for technology. All kinds of technology and innovation. They help us do things that were not possible even five years ago, and impact our lives in huge ways. When used the right way, technology can be an amazing tool!

8) I am thankful for each and every day. Not just the things that happen in the day, but the day itself. One of my friends used to say "It's a great day to be alive if you're alive." Isn't that the truth? I always sang the song instead of letting him finish, though - "It's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes..." Indeed.

This list could go on and on and on... But I'll leave it there for now.

Except to say that....

I'm thankful for blankets. Lots and lots of blankets.

And pillows.

Amazing invention, those.

Stained Glass

Every week during worship I stare at this image. This is the stained glass at the front/back of our sanctuary. The congregation can't see it during worship, but it is the side of the building that faces the road. Because of its location only the choir and staff can see it. And I enjoy staring at it almost all the time.

You can't tell from this picture necessarily, but there are three crosses in red. It is stained glass, so it is not solid, but the pieces are clearly there. And given my current state as a fragmented piece of something (working multiple jobs, going to school full time, living life, etc), it is beautiful to me.

Extremely beautiful.

So I'm looking at it this morning as our pastor preached on John 13:34-35 - The passage where Jesus says "love one another. They will know you are disciples by your love." (paraphrase).

And I look back at this window. This MASSIVE window.

And I see love in it. The three crosses, formed out of brokenness, and yet, full of love.

I told this children about agape in the children's message: the unconditional, unbelievable love that God has for us. And here it is, sitting there, staring me in the face each and every Sunday (and every other time I walk through the sanctuary).

This love that, even in our brokenness, shines through. That if we are loving others the way God loves us, you can see the cross we bear on our souls.

And I don't know why I haven't thought of that before, but it was extremely powerful to me this morning.

I am broken, but I wear the cross. I am in pieces sometimes, but God still shines through. I am only human, but God is God.

An otherwise pointless mess of glass, the cross stands in the middle, showing God in the broken.

God who heals.
God who loves.
God who reaches out.

Let me love like God this week.

Wow.

Frustrations

So, I am really frustrated with myself.
REALLY.

Why? Because I find myself jealous of other people and I DO NOT like that. And more than that, I find myself frustrated with other people because they don't know what they need to do, or they are too naive, or they are are too far removed, or they have it easy, or they (insert some other excuse here)...

Normally, I can talk myself out of these feelings because I truly believe that we all carry different burdens for different reasons and we all have different thresholds so they effect us all in very individual ways. We are different people and we are going to respond in our ways... That's just part of life; and like I said, I normally hold this very dear to my heart and don't try to judge or compare peoples' stories to other stories, and I hate the line, "Well at least it's not as bad as..."  We were not created to try to have the worst story, or to compare our lives to other peoples', but we were created to live our own and share our stories. 

So why, right now am I in this place of seemingly comparing stories and getting frustrated by it? 

Because life just isn't fair, and it never will be.

Facebook is evil, because it can breed frustration where there need not be any... apparently, today everyone is "really busy" and feels the need to put out there everything they are doing in some sort of "look at how much I have going on in my life right now!!!" way. But I sit there and read some of them, thinking.... well, you are doing less on your busy day than I do on a 'normal' day. 

Then I wonder what the heck I'm doing wrong because I can't be content doing nothing all day and then my busy day having three things to do, all of which really require nothing out of me. They might require me showing up, but it's not really work, not really engaging, and so, not really busy. 

And I think back to my life again, and wonder how it is that I don't know how to sit still for very long and not do anything. It is an asset at times, but at others, a real fault. Especially in a time where I need to be prioritizing things, and cutting back on what I'm doing, but I enjoy everything and everything has a purpose so I just can't seem to choose! And then no-one quite understands, in the way that no-one can quite understand another's journey... 

Because I sit here frustrated about things in my own life, knowing that I would really love to be able to reach out to those who have lost a loved-one recently, and I would love to be able to be present with those who are about to lose a loved one... and I would love to sit there with my friend while she faces things that truly, truly suck... 

And then I come back to facebook, where I hear people whining about the trivial things of life and how tough it is to have a cold, or a stomach bug.... and I know they are not fun, but I also know that they aren't grounds for calling in the cavalry... Because I know while someone is complaining about cleaning (or when I do, let's be real), that I know people who live in a motel, who would LOVE to have a house to complain about cleaning it... 

And it's all about perspective. And I have to beat myself up sometimes (figuratively) to remind myself that when my house is a complete disaster, I made the mess... or when I am too tired, I am not doing something right... and when I am super-duper frustrated, I need to step back and take a look at what's really going on and how I can fix it! 

It comes down to the Serenity Prayer: 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I can only change me, and I can't make others understand that complaining and whining doesn't fix things... or that I'm sorry you don't have the newest/brightest thing, but I know this woman who is working every single day to feed and house herself and her son while you sit here and talk about it... and I can't explain that some of the things you are frustrated with came from your own choices... because sometimes that's just too harsh...

One of my cousins has a tattoo that says "cowgirl up" and when she first got it, I didn't really understand why on earth she would get that tattooed on her body (okay, I still don't necessarily understand the meaning of having it tattooed on her, but I understand its significance), but I definitely want to scream it at people sometimes. 

There is more that can be done than you are doing. There are ways to change your situation. There is a different way to look at this problem facing you. There are other things going on in our community and world that help give us perspective if you step outside yourself for just a moment and really look at it. 

And so it all comes back to community... when we truly live in community, it seems that we have a better perspective on the world because we see others' struggles, and we help carry them while we carry ours, and in that mutual caring and love we don't have enough time to compare the struggles or get too bogged down with only ours... because then we are frustrated together and not at each other...

And all of this is a lot of rambling, with not much of a point, but maybe it helps you think and ponder and you can join in this discussion and think and ponder with me... 

And now, on my only day off of the week, I'm going back to doing my homework...

Chapters

So, a week from today is my 23rd first day of school, if I've done my math correctly. Check me here:
13 years of K-12 education taking place at five different schools total, across two different states
4 years of undergraduate education at UNCG and in New Zealand
3 years of first days as a teacher overseas
2 years of graduate work back in NC

I've had 22 first days - some of them normal first days, and others a bit more exciting; but each marks a new phase in my life. My life has revolved around the school year, it seems. I guess I should technically say I've had 23 first days since NZ was opposite the northern hemisphere and I experienced their first day in February with them.... but I digress...

It's weird to think that I'm about to start my 23rd year of school in some form or fashion. As many of my friends return to the classroom for workdays this week, I miss (a little bit) the classroom I left. I miss that rush of the new year, the rhythm of vacations, new students, new challenges... life was never boring, that's for sure. And every year you had a chance to start anew.

While teaching, my subject was unique, though. While you had the chance to start anew, you were also always building. I was a music teacher, you see, and I would have the same students year after year unless they moved away or had to quit for some reason (which I rarely allowed). New students at the school were a regularity, but it wasn't often that we were able to fit in everyone who wanted music (how often does *that* happen in a school?!). Sometimes I miss the newness. I miss the excitement. I don't think anything will ever quite match up with what those first days were like. Nothing.

And now, I'm looking towards my last first day, and maybe even my last last day. You see, commencement - at which I hope to walk across the stage and collect my Masters of Divinity degree will happen a week shy of the anniversary of my return to America. On May 26 (at 11pm), I will have been back in America for three years. And perhaps that is the biggest thing of all: I've been back a long time! And yet not at all. I don't feel so far removed from my experiences that I wouldn't be able to step right back into that village on the mountain, be able to gather my produce at market, walk home, take a taxi in the rain, go to Meenakshi's or Abbas' for non-produce items, and go to Tava's for dinner... I haven't deleted my contact numbers from my phone, because you never know when you are going to be back and need to call Ravi for a ride, or need to order something from Rafik.

It's all a part of life, though: first days and last days. We all celebrate first days every year on our birthday, and we mourn for years afterwards our loved ones' last days. We have anniversaries that we honor with parties, and we remember days we moved...

They're all chapters of our lives; bookmarks in our stories that we count forward from, or count backwards to just keep a frame of reference.

I'm reflecting today on my first days and my last days: What makes them stand out in my mind other than the marking of time that they create? Are there things that make some endings better or worse than others? What do I wish was better about my first days?

Firsts and lasts are important; they are critical points in our lives. And because our lives are always changing, they are inevitable. 

Wait. What?

Where on earth did the summer go? I actually have no idea where mine has gone, and at times, I have a hard time remembering anything that happened this summer, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

A lot of things have changed this summer, but I will say that not many of my summer goals were accomplished. Something about life getting in the way, or something like that. I have, of course, moved houses, I preached earlier this summer, I took on new initiatives, and I did have a lot of fun. I just feel like this summer has been entirely too short, and I'm not sure why because there were 5 weeks that were spent on a vacation of some sort. I spent some great quality time with my family, and it is time that I wish could be extended right now. I still waiver on whether or not that is going to happen, and if it does, if it will be sooner or later...

But contemplations aside, summer is winding down. I have a week and a half until my last year of graduate school begins. I have a kind of busy semester not to mention working to pay the bills (and don't forget life in there somewhere!). Because my schedule is going to be tight, I have to be more intentional about self-care - keeping appointments, listening carefully to my body, and most importantly - listening to my soul. I've got enough going on without burning out at some point.

Which brings me to something else. I read a blog a little while ago that spoke to me. You can read it here. It talks about the inside versus outside leg when showing horses. This is something I grew up knowing - showing the judges one thing (a calm, collected presence), while working hard in the hidden spaces. I began reflecting on my summer and my current position in life and almost feel like I'm not taking care of myself as I should. I haven't read any books this summer (save the Hunger Games trilogy for the first time); I haven't done anything extraordinary; My initial plan to take a day off per week (or at least every other) didn't pan out... All these things... But I realized that I've done an okay job at finding new ways - in particular, through art.

I came upon this outlet as an assignment and didn't expect it to be something to last, but it has. I'm not amazing, and what I do is not for presentation, but for me to try to process, and to keep my mind working. And that is important, because right now, I'm not sure my mind is ready for school to start back.

The end of summer is no fun.

But I think that in the coming days I'm going to make some fall goals, and I will need to be more accountable to keeping them. I want to cook more and maybe fall will be more conducive to that since so many of the recipes I want to try are crock-pot recipes.

But for now, a week and a half more of summer. I hope to end it well, as it is my last summer vacation, I suppose. At least, a long one...

And they stop

Brutal honesty here: The words have stopped again. There just are no words for some of the things going on in the world today. From people being persecuted for words spoken 30 years ago, to young children fighting battles that no-one should ever face, there is too much. And so the words have stopped. I have other releases at the moment, but mostly, it's just "pushing through it" until I have a day or two where I have nothing to do and can sit with all of this.

I'm still in the process of moving, and while a lot of it hasn't been bad (just long and drawn out), the worst part has been dealing with my internet provider. They just seem incompetent, and that is not something I enjoy. If you are going to do a job, do it well; if you can't do it well, go find a different one. So, they have been really annoying. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with a guy, to tell me that I should just go into the location they have here and explain it all, to getting a phone call at 8am saying someone was on the way to hook my internet, and that there is a charge for it! Forget that I need it disconnected at the old address, and already have all the equipment, she tells me I'll need to make a separate work order for that. Excuse me? I never put in a work order to begin with, I did not agree to being charged to turn on my internet, and you charge me more than you should to begin with just to have internet. So I told her to cancel the installation this morning, and to have someone look at their pricing and I'll consider staying with them. They'll call me back later. You don't call me at 8am for something I didn't ask for. So, hopefully I'll end up with a better deal out of all of this.

So that's the excitement that is my life. I have nothing deep to offer, for this well is pretty low at the moment. I've received a few beating recently, and I've just got to work on patching up the holes so I can hold water again.

Maybe my next vacation will be what I need... It's only a couple weeks away.

Off I go to try to move some more. Other than internet, I hope today is the last day in the old place. And, who knows, maybe a few days without the internet will be good for me. Forced relaxation and disconnection.

Sometimes that's all we need
Stopping isn't bad, it's just part of life.

Spoken Words

My mode of communication is normally words; written words, in particular. I like to play with them, form parallels and then draw dichotomies. I enjoy using words to paint pictures from a different perspective.

But recently I've had a lot of experiences with the spoken words of friends and acquaintances that have meant a lot to me. Some of them were from women who have been praying for me for over a year and finally met me last week. In our conversation and prayer time they spoke words that I've thought before, wondered about, or just have never had the courage to say. There is power in putting words to those feelings and thoughts.

There have also been words of affirmation in my life. Many of them in the last couple weeks. Spoken to me at very different times, and with very different points, but that give me encouragement for various aspects of my life. While some of the words are flattering, I know that I will not be able to live into all of them.

And tonight, as there are so many things in my life and the lives of people I care about, that I lift up spoken words and cries of the heart in places where there are no words. God hears the cries whether through words, song, pictures, or silence. I am glad God hears these prayers no matter how we utter them, and I watch and listen anxiously for answers.

Reflective

I guess I've been kind of reflective recently. It's just that there was about a month where the words just would not come out. I was doing everything I could to live my life and trying to be present in each moment, and I just wasn't. Life was weighing me down and I couldn't figure out how to get out from underneath the weight.

Everything seemed to push me over an edge that I rarely ever even see.

After a particularly rough week there were finally a couple people who spoke words that I needed and pushed in the right spots that I finally took some time to not fight and force my way out of that place. Instead, I finally settled into that space and let myself feel the weight of it. And in the feeling the weight of it, I was able to start to let some of it go.

You see, life is a learning curve. I've learned some big lessons in my life, but one thing I will always be is stubborn. Wherever I learned it, I learned long ago to push through it and do what needs to be done. What needs to be done will always be done in my book. But this chapter in the book, well, it taught me to not push for a little while.

I think I was watching something recently; that or I was reading something... either way, I can visualize in my mind the lesson in the words: sit with what is going on and feel it. O! It was the show called "Addicted." The interventionist spoke about the hardest part of detoxing and rehab is learning to sit with the emotions you are pushing off with drugs.

Well, folks, my drug is the push. My drug is getting things done at all costs. I enjoy doing things and I enjoy doing what I do well (or at least to the very best that I can do it, which I hope is well for those around me). This is both a positive and a negative. I've learned in the last few years how to say "no" when it needs to be said, and I learn continuously how and where to draw lines with others. But this recent lesson was about the line within myself - learning to say no to me and learning to sit with it all.

I don't know why the words stopped. I think that for a little bit, there was literally too much going on for me to really have time to listen for them.

To give a rundown of my life recently:
- My landlord decided she is selling this residence, so I've had to find a new one, and begin to get this one ready to move out and yet still decent while it is shown.
- My second year of graduate school ended.
- Work ended, along with all the exciting end-of-year/wrap-it-up things that needed to get done (and still need to get done).
- Pentecost Sunday project.
- A long-awaited and much-needed vacation.
- Organizing the services and preaching a very busy Sunday right after said vacation.
- Dog sitting for a couple friends.
- Applying for and interviewing for jobs.
- Scholarship applications.
- Doctors appointments. Lots and lots of them and all the stuff that comes with them.
- O, and trying to live my life, see friends, do my normal work, and if I can remember, trying to eat.

This is all in the last month only. It has literally been a month that has flown and crawled by. Often not in the ways I needed it to. I'm not so sure the rest of my summer isn't going to follow a similar pattern. There is a lot I want to do this summer, including new things at the church (new ideas on that to come later!), more travel to see my family, travel to see friends, maybe just some travel to travel and have a break (mileage, anyone?)... and of course: working on my bucket list!

But for now, slowing down mentally is key.

I love living my life, but months like the last one remind me how important it is to step back on occasion; so my new self-care practice is taking at least one day every two weeks where I focus on staying in touch with myself and not necessarily the people around me. Yes, sometimes it includes people, but my goal for those days is refreshment. I'm planning things like days at the park, days at the pool, days where I just go somewhere new or different and enjoy fully what I really want to do.

Life is but a moment on the spectrum of time. And I intend to enjoy this moment, and each that I'm given. Especially with my new lesson under my belt and the necessity of practice.

We all do this from time to time. Where are you pushing too hard this week? Is there something in your life that is your addiction? What is weighing you down and is there a way for you to let yourself feel it fully so you can let it go?

The heavy things in our lives need not be so oppressive.

The Making of Free Water

On June 2nd I preached at the church where I'm an intern. I took a risk and shared a message that was a challenge to myself, as well. This was the second time that sermon had been preached, though it was tweaked for each particular context, but it was a challenge each time.

The message I was to deliver was one that came to me through a lot of prayer and exegetical work. It was a message that was calling the church out for their behavior. It was a message that was calling me out.

I chose a video that demonstrated what I was saying. I chose songs that spoke directly of the point, often sharing words with the scripture.

And I wrestled with myself as the time came to deliver the sermon.

I knew this was a challenging sermon. I knew that words would reach out to the ears around me, and I knew that, to some people, they would sting. I was actually hoping they would sting. They had stung me repeatedly as I had prepared. We all need to be called out at some point. Being called out forces us to examine ourselves and (hopefully) change what we are doing.

Apparently it was a well received sermon and that makes me glad. Many people have complimented it and said that they were still talking about it in different gatherings. My only hope is that it did challenge the people around me as much as it challenged me and continues to shape me.

So what was the point? What was I hoping people would hear?

Well, it's the fact that sometimes the church is the very thing standing in the way of people seeing God. That it's the Christians that sometimes give off the impression that God isn't for everyone. Sometimes, it's me standing in the way.

What do I say? What do you do? What do we put out there that make our doors unwelcoming to our communities? Are we even outside our walls or are we always expecting people to come to us first?

The scripture was Isaiah 55:1-11, and the video, should you choose to watch it, can be found here.

This was one of those Sundays that is going to stick with me, and I hope the message sticks with the people who heard it. I hope it helps me question each and every day what my actions are, what my words are, and how I can better be an agent of God's peace and welcoming in this world.

And that is the making and reflection on free water.

Click here to watch another video, if you'd like. A friend showed me this the other day and it epitomizes the point of my sermon. Let us all be the proof this week to the people around us.

Fight for it

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
~Mother Teresa

I shared this quote in my last entry as a challenge and an inspiration.  A challenge to live into, and an inspiration to move forward. This is an especially meaningful quote in my life right now because I feel like she is calling me out, in particular. 

Life is the the time when we get to experience the breadth of emotions available to us. And how often is it that we ignore some of them because we feel like we have to be strong, or we fight the sorrows we feel, or even fight our desires in order to be "safe" and "comfortable"? We use logic to talk ourselves out of the grand adventures before us, and we question our abilities to the point that amazing opportunities slip us by. 

And how often do we become passive in our lives and stop fighting for the life we deserve? I'm not saying the fight is easy, because there are times when the fight is the hardest thing you've ever done, but there is so much more that we're capable of. 

It leads me to this poem: 

Our Greatest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

We've got to fight for it; fight for the freedom from ourselves and the limitations we build around ourselves. When we don't fight for it, we destroy it. 

Sometimes, it's the fight that makes it all worth it, no matter how much it takes out of us. 

If you're fighting for something today, I encourage you to keep fighting. Life is worth it. Whatever fighting means to you, we don't go passively through this life. Life is to be lived. Be on an adventure no matter where you are in your journey. 

My friends, I love you. And I love you enough to tell you to fight. Meet the challenges that arise. Sing your song and show your beauty. I promise that I will do the same with all my might.  It's all we can do. 

And on the way, let's go on some adventures! Let's be amazing together. Please? Life is both much too long and much too short to not have fun along the way. 

Same God: New Ideas, New Images

So, I've been in the process recently of getting things together for an art class. This is not an art class where we sit around and try to create the best piece of art, or judge each other. We are not seeking to put our pieces on the wall, or display them in the church. What we are seeking, though, is to find God in ourselves, in our experiences, and to take time to be mindful of our lives and experiences. The idea is to step away and explore for just a little while in a safe place. Practices of discernment and the examen will be present in our meetings, and I'm excited to offer this to those around me.

One of the reasons this has come back to me over and over again even if it's not typical of the community I'm involved in, is that it is an area we neglect often times. It is easy to get too heady and to not create spaces to allow God to be found inside ourselves. To see where God is working, has worked, and will continue to work through us.

One of the things we need for the class are books and quotes that are inspirational to the various members of the class. Because I don't know what people read, if they have anything ready, I am asking for your help. What are quotes that have inspired you? Are there books that were particularly meaningful on your journey through life? Maybe there are books of quotations or poems that would serve our purposes.... Please be sure to leave them in the comments or e-mail them to me! I would love to be able to purchase some of these resources for us to use over and over again. (Also, think of books for children, since one of the groups will be for young kids.)

I'm excited to explore God with the people in my community. I'm also excited to expand my own views. Groups like this encourage learning and experiencing together. And there are many things like this group that I'd love to see in our community. Things that bring us away from our everyday lives to live in community.

I leave you with this quote that has been challenging and inspiring me recently:

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
~Mother Teresa

May we all live into this quote and the expanses opened to us. 

(Don't forget to leave quotes or resources!)

Help Me Be: Praying in Poems

by Dale C. Frederickson

I got a new book in the mail today, and as is the case when I'm excited to get a book, I opened it, took it out at began to read. I was especially excited for this book because it speaks my language: poetry. I often use it to express myself when prose or speaking just won't work and I find it extremely emotionally evocative.

Now, unfortunately, some of the poems didn't sit right with me today. But that could be more telling of my own emotional state than the quality of the poetry. I can read a poem one day and love it, and read it a week later and find it "trite." That is the nature of poetry. It speaks when it needs to speak. That is why there are 150 different chapters in Psalms: enough word and emotion for the infinite spectrum that exists.

I will leave you with an excerpt from one of the poems. Head on over to Amazon and check out the rest of the book.

Stuck(excerpt)

You feel stuck? 

Unable to do the things you want to do, 

Unable to be the person that you want to be, 

Unable to live the vision that you see. 

Nothing is easy. 

You start to face this. 

You learn to embrace this. 

You trust the grace in this. 

You see beyond sticky places. 

Somehow, someway, slowdown, make way, subtlety, not today, 

You'll learn new moves, 

Find those new grooves, 

Your life improves.

I believe in you. 

Do you believe in you? 

One day, somehow, someway, transparently, I know, you will be - 

FREE.

Able to do the things you want to do, 

Able to be the person you want to be, 

Able to live the vision that you see.

Eternal Sunrise

I was re-reading my last entry and had an epiphany.

I chose a gmail ID intentionally almost 6 years ago. It is Eternal Sunrise. It was a reminder to myself that the sun is always rising somewhere.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

There always is.

I'm hoping a vacation may be just what I need to revamp myself just a little bit.

Nothing too insightful tonight. Just a reminder in case you need it: The sun is always rising somewhere. There is light. Light will come.

Frustration

I have found myself more than a little frustrated in the last couple weeks. Perhaps that is why I haven't written, but I'm not convinced. All I know is that this frustration has manifested itself in me and I don't like it.

You see, for a bit over a year I've been trying to get my health back to where I am at least comfortable, and it seems that every time I see the sun rising something else gets in the way and keeps me from seeing the light. Like a few days ago... I'd been doing alright and was even allowed the opportunity to go out of town for the weekend and go kayaking on the river. I was ecstatic at the chance to finally do something. But by Wednesday I was realizing how tired I was and noticed some things that were not quite right. I called the doctor and we made a plan to address it. Thankfully, it was nothing too serious, but even now it is still unexplained. We don't know why things changed so suddenly other than the fact that maybe I was just too tired and my body couldn't keep up...

You see, I have to be so careful with everything I do right now. Literally everything. And it wears on you. But I do it.

In the meantime, I try to make plans for the future, whether that is a job, a trip, a move... but always in the back of my head is the fact that anything can change at any time for any (or no) reason. And that's much harder to live with, I think, than anything else.

Maybe my frustration is at the fact that my landlord has decided to sell the place where I live at the most inopportune moment ever. I mean, during finals, right before a trip to see my family... really?! It was one thing to entertain moving when it was purely by choice, but it's another when there's a deadline and an absolute surety.

Maybe my frustration is stemming out of the fact that I feel called to do so much more than I'm doing. It may seem like I work a lot right now (some days it can definitely seem that way), but in all honestly, I've been working less in these last two years since being home than I have at any point since graduating high school. I'm used to doing things, and I enjoy working. I enjoy having tasks, having challenges in front of me to figure out, and to come up with new ideas. I enjoy these things. And that is not even a little bit of a joke.

Maybe my frustration stems out of my own critical nature. I have a problem when it comes to expectations. I expect people to rise to the occasion and get the job done. Perhaps that comes from my upbringing. I can't be more thankful for being taught the lesson, "Every time you get bucked off and get back on makes you a better rider" literally. I can count on one hand how many times I was bucked off, and you better believe every time I got right back on. Fear was not allowed. The phrase "cowgirl/boy up" was lived out in my upbringing. Challenges were welcomed and overcome. Every day of my young life was spent working with animals much bigger than me, forging that relationship, and respecting their power. There was so much I was taught, but I'm thinking that is for another entry...

Let's just say that frustration has been running rampant... and this frustration has seeped through the cracks into many areas of my life. There is one thing in particular that irks me more than any other, but I am trying to be more intentional about setting boundaries and making it more clear to myself so that I can move on from it.

Also frustrating is that my only three final papers are all due on the same day (Monday, the 6th). Thus, this weekend is being spent working.
- One is finished and just needs to be proofread before submitting it.
- One is 3/4ths finished and just needs some more interaction with the texts
- The last is in process but needs a bit of work before I can even begin to make sense of it.

So that's my life right now. Not a happy-go-lucky existence, but a season like other seasons that must be lived through before the next one comes.

Time to get back on the horse once again.

Identity in the wilderness

I've been thinking a lot lately about the wilderness. The wilderness exists multiple times in the Bible, but we always associate it with Moses and the Israelites. This is the biggest wilderness, it seems: forty years of wilderness and wandering. Forty long years.

I can't really blame the Israelites for grumbling. At least in Egypt they knew who they were: they were slaves, and they had a job to do. It sucked, and the Egyptians weren't easy on them, but they knew who and what they were and didn't lose their God-given identity as the people of God.

And on the other side, they had the Promised Land where they lived out their identity for centuries. They knew who they were and that God was on their side. They knew that God would protect them and searched out God when they felt alone. They knew where they strength lay. David's psalms reveal that quite plainly. Today we often look back at the psalms to find the words when we can't form them ourselves. We use them the words of Israel to guide us through our painful times, our joyful times, and to guide our times of worship. The community of Israel formed our own views of God, and continues to help us day after day.

It was when they were in the desert that they grumbled continuously. God had to show them mystical signs for them to believe: manna on the ground, a pillar of fire, a parting of the sea. Repeatedly, they doubted. They searched for other gods. They sought out idols. They did things they probably wouldn't normally do.

They were lost, physically and spiritually, in the wilderness.

And yet, somehow, they eventually did get to the Promised Land. They eventually crossed over and lived out their lives. But not before a generation died out. They just had to get through the wilderness, learn from their experiences, and at some point, realize that God was enough.

And I wonder sometimes if the Israelites that didn't make the journey had a discussion with God at some point and asked why they weren't able to complete the journey. Still sitting in the presence of God and doubting, questioning... continuing to grumble.

I wonder about this because we all grumble. We all go through times when we are lost in the wilderness, too. Where we wonder what our identity is. We wonder what our purpose is. If we are in the desert, what are we supposed to do? So we search. We try to find other gods. We make up ways to fulfill our desires. Melt down parts of ourselves and create idols.

Why is it so hard to just rest in our identity in God, as a child of God, the Beloved of God? Why do we continue to doubt? Why do we try to store up the manna that is provided? Where is our faith that God is not good enough when we're lost?

Even when everything seems like we're lost, we still have an identity in God.

We may have no other identity. We may be a nationless people, wandering aimlessly. We may not have a home, a family, our creature comforts... we might not have much of anything. But God is everywhere. We cannot wander where God is not.

God is wherever you are. God is before you, behind, and alongside. Above, below. All encompassing.

And you are a child of God. I am a child of God.

We get lost, but God is there.

God is here.

We always have at least that identity.

Bumble bees

There are limits in life. Walls put up that you can't pass. Fences you can't climb. Altitudes you can't climb higher than. Windows that just won't break, and you are left to stare through at the world outside.

But then there is the bumble bee:

"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it, so it goes on flying anyway." -Mary Kay Ash

I'm a bumble bee. I push forward when I shouldn't. I keep walking when it's impossible. I take brick by brick out of the wall so that it comes tumbling down and I can finally get to the other side. It's a tedious task, and in no way immediate. The wall can take weeks and months to tear down, but it comes down. You just have to keep going.

But where is the bee flying to? What if the flower isn't actually a flower? What if it turns out to be a venus fly trap? What if on the other side of the wall it isn't a greener field or a beautiful view, but a wasteland? What happens when the expectation just isn't met?

Well, it's the journey that matters.

The view on the way to that flower has to be amazing. Gazing down at the world; the colors, smells, sounds, movements, and action. To be that bee and fly over it all, no matter the ending has to be amazing. To meet people while tearing down the wall; to sit and chat together; to work together; to just 'be'.

It's the journey.

I'll keep on flying, but I've got to say that this journey is grand. Life is one grand adventure, and the minute you lose sight of that, is the minute it all becomes mundane.

Rules are only rules because 'most' people fit into them. There are always exceptions; like the bumble bee.

What flower is next on this grand journey?

LIVE

My "ONE WORD" for 2013 is: LIVE.
The idea of choosing one word to focus on for a year is the equivalent of making a resolution, but goes a bit deeper than "lose weight". These words range from trust to believe, from patience to discipline. You can learn more about "My one word" here. 

The word "LIVE" also goes beyond vague: to survive the year. I don't want to simply live (though that, too, is a worthy goal), but I want to LIVE. LIVE with capital letters: to not miss a moment; to not forget the sunrise; to go on adventures; laugh more; love more; and enjoy each and every moment.
 
For 2013, I'm going to LIVE. And because of that, I'm going to make a 2013 bucket list. Different than my general bucket list which is sometimes huge and extravagant things, my 2013 bucket list focuses on things I can do this year. Perhaps I will make them month by month and focus on just a couple. These are going to range from the crazily absurd, to the mundane. But that's the point, I'm going to LIVE. ;-)

Want to join me on my journey? What's your word for this year?