Biggest Faith Trial?

I was asked today what my biggest faith trial was that I've been through...

My answer was "right now..."

And I didn't mean that literally about this month, but about the process I am undergoing. God has called me back to school, and that means leaving relationships I have established, my first home, my job, my vacations, and what has become, as one person called it, my comfort zone. So much more than coming here, it is testing me and my faith to go back. It is a new adventure, and one I am excited to begin, but that excitement is nothing compared to what I feel leading up to my departure. I know that five months from now, my house will be basically empty, and I will be getting ready to head out. It will be very different than coming over here. Coming here was a gradual sort of thing, and naturally expected (as a big change, not necessarily this in particular) after college. But now it's different.

This is where God stretches me. This is where I will see Him work. I have to rest on Him as I head back and work out both my 'vacation' and the next stage of my life.

He is good and I trust Him. That's all there is to it.

Wow.

I don't really write enough about what goes on over here, lol. Right now it is 12:15 in the afternoon and power is still on. In the course of writing this, I expect it will turn off because, well, our power outages are from 12-2 everyday and sometimes they forget to turn it off until a little later. That's one of the joys of living here.

Another is what I'm about to embark upon. I have some things to do before I head out of town for a few weeks, so I have to get some things done. I have three things to do in town. That's it.

However, you should know that the main school gate is at a place where 7 roads meet (including the school's entrance road). We'll count clockwise from the gate, with the school's road being number 1. I live on road 2. I have to recharge my cell phone on road 3, go to the ATM on road 4, and go the store on road 5. Thankfully I don't have to go to roads 6 and 7 today. There's not really a lot down those two. Then I will come back up road 2 for lunch and then head back to school for some work. So, basically, I'm about to go on a scavenger hunt and hope everything is where I need it to be today.

All to head out tomorrow. I can't wait to get off the mountain. We had two nice days of sun, and then yesterday, the sun ran away again. It has gotten really cold again. At least I'm all packed and just need to finalize a few things and I'm ready to go.

I'll see you all again in the new year!

Summer 2011

So, next summer is going to be significantly long. I will have about 2.5 months to "transition" back to the states, and already my calendar is filling up. My schedule is largely dictated by a few monumental events happening in the lives of some of my family.

First, my youngest brother is graduating from high school. :-)

Two weeks after that, my oldest two nieces are graduating from high school. Followed immediately by a family reunion that I am greatly looking forward to.

Around the second round of graduations, I will be spending time playing with my new niece or nephew, as well as a new cousin!

(In between those graduations, I'm pretty sure I'm road tripping it up from NC, up to Chicago, seeing some friends, going to a wedding, and then cutting across Canada to get me to NY.)

My family will take what is an annual vacation that I unfortunately missed last year. That should be a good time up in the mountains and is always enjoyable. There's a chance some of my other family will be joining us up there, so that will make it even better.

Then, I'm considering working a summer camp just to make some money and reunite with friends of mine and enjoy some time around there.

Then I have a little while to relax (with lots of visiting happening) and then a family reunion for the maternal side. Another thing I am looking forward to as I have missed the last three.

After that I will head back down south and hopefully work some and get ready for school to start.

And that is my whirlwind of a summer.

However, I am also trying to add something else into it.

I will be spending most of those 2.5 months reconnecting with people I haven't seen in at least two years, traveling around and visiting other people, and somehow trying to get used to being stateside again.

Basically, I know I will be overwhelmed after a bit of this. So, what I'm trying to do is add in a very quiet get away at some point towards the end of July or at the beginning of August. A place where I will be able to go and retreat. Relax and process. I know that even after my last visit to the states (that was only 6 weeks in length), that I was beyond overwhelmed. A lot of people to see, and a lot of things to do. I know it will only be worse with the fact that I will then be LIVING back there. I will need a retreat. A place to withdraw to.

Currently, that means I'm looking at cruises (aka: get on a boat and not have to worry about cooking or cleaning or ANYTHING for a week). I've really narrowed it down to two options that really appeal to me and sometimes have really good deals. One to Bermuda, or one to Alaska. Both are interesting places I've not been before, but also offer a chance to just relax and enjoy the surroundings.

I'm still exploring my options, but a cruise really appeals to me as a chance to sit in the middle of the vastness of creation and marvel at all that surrounds us. I remember from the last cruise I went on (and the only one I've been on) how much fun it was to meet people and learn their stories and get to know them over the course of a few days. I am yearning to go on a cruise and I have no idea why. I think I'm just craving seeing somewhere new. Doing something different.

Alas. All conjecture at this point. If you're interested in helping me have a vacation next summer, let me know, and I'll let you know how you can help me reach it. :-) I'm thinking Christmas presents and birthday presents... just let me know, and I'll get you some information.

I miss you all. I'll try to write once more before I head out for this vacation. But if not, enjoy Christmas and New Year's and the new beginnings that come with both of those holidays.

Thanksgiving

Well, I will write the typical "What am I thankful for" entry... Enjoy!!

- I am thankful for my friend BP. He brings the smiles when he comes around and I love it.

- I am thankful for a principal whose office I can walk in to almost any time and discuss issues with... I don't know if I will ever have another employer as awesome as he.

- I am sooooooo thankful for my aquaguard and having clean water to drink.

- I am thankful for import stores.

- I am thankful to my fabulous colleagues who may irk me almost all the time, but are wonderful and have been a blessing to work with.

- I am thankful for the gifts I have been given in my life. I often cannot see them, but I know they are there.

- I am thankful for a child who sees me and smiles, runs up to me and gives me a hug. The kids who see me walk into a house and run up to me yelling my name. The kids who see me and know it's safe to talk to me and that I'll listen.

- I am thankful for the students who find the time in their day to come to my office and annoy me. Because if they didn't do that, they wouldn't feel comfortable with me.

- I am thankful for a community that surrounds each other with massive amounts of love. A community that cares for one another. A community that shares.

- I am thankful for my friends. The friends who call me up just to hang out. The ones who call me when they need to talk. The friends who tell me when I'm wrong. And the friends who are there just to listen when I need to work things through.

- I am thankful to have a wonderful secretary who keeps my work life running smoothly and often helps me stay sane in the personal side of things, too... I love her...

- I am thankful for living in a place where fresh fruits and vegetables are readily available and are cheap.

- I am thankful for electricity.

- I am thankful for the friends who have become more than friends.

- I am thankful for the world being my oyster. I don't know what that means, but people say that. I know I can do anything. God will lead me through it.

- I am thankful for my family. For all our faults and challenges, I miss them dearly. I especially miss my siblings and hope they know how much I love them.

- I am thankful for overwhelming love. To love so many people that your heart hurts is a glorious pain.

- I am thankful for my church families... I am so blessed to have 4 that I feel at home in. 5 if you count Primal in NZ. I am so thankful they are around me and pray for me and are wonderfully seeking God's will for them.

- I am thankful for God. I am thankful He saw fit to create me. I am thankful for His redemptive blood, shed on the cross. I am thankful He came to earth for my soul. That no matter what else happens in the world, He cared enough to send His son to endure the ultimate pain. That it's not a matter of "if" someone loves me that much, but that HE DOES!

These and so many other things... God is amazing.

I am so blessed.

Interesting thoughts...

These are just some interesting thoughts or questions that have come up in the past few days as I've read different blogs and just explored the internet and my mind...

1) I have met very few (foreign) m's in my life. Why is that? I've been involved in church my entire life, and I actually don't think we've had an m* come to my church... Why is that? What has happened in c'hurch culture that people aren't connected to m's?

2) I had to move overseas to meet m's. Some are independents and some are with an agency. There are benefits and challenges to both. In the end, it's up to each person. There is no right or wrong way to get onto the field.

3) There are less and less people on the field, and more and more are having funding issues. We should take a cue from David. In his last days on earth he gave all of his earthly possessions to be used in the building of house of the L'ord on Mount Moriah. Following his example, the people also gave freely of their possessions. Why don't we do that? Why are we so selfish? As David says, everything we have comes from G'od, so why don't we give it back to Him? It's never really ours to begin with.

4) In general, people misunderstand the purpose and process of being an m*. When someone is on the field, it is important to understand what exactly their m'inistry is. For some, it is e'vangelistic, others are outreach, others are relational... it will look different depending on the culture, the goal, and the service.

5) Europe is historically C'hristian, but few people in Europe actually practice or believe any more. This area is just as much a field as a third world country. They need the same prayers and funds as other fields. Maybe more. The cost of living is higher, and 'civilized' cultures like to believe they don't need G'od.

6) The standard of living of an m* will vary based on where they live, but it is almost always safe to assume they do not live in a hut. Most times they will match the culture around them in status. This may seem "posh" to people funding them, but remember, they're people, too. Just because they have been called to a life of service, doesn't always mean a life of poverty, as well. It means living among another culture and trying to establish relationships and teach people about a love they have never known the likes of.

7) M's, no matter how long they've been on the field, need encouragement and pray continuously. Hopefully prayer is an everyday part of your life, and it's just a matter of adding another sentence to your prayer. Use names if you know any. I have plenty if you'd like to pray specifically for people. Or just pick a particular type of m'inistry you are interested in and pray in general for those working in that area. Or pick a country. There are numerous ways to p'ray.

8) M's need support. They need a foundation at 'home' that is willing to fill in the gap on behalf of them. People who are willing to share about their work when they can't be there to do it themself (which is often when they are full time on the field...maybe once every few years). People behind them that are passionate about their work on the field.

9) People can't forget about m's. We can't let our family (our C'hristian family) forget that we have brothers and sisters all over the world. The less we talk about the work going on all over the world, the sooner the generations forget, and the less support (of all forms) comes in. In order to keep doing the work we are called to do as C'hristians, we can't forget!!! We can't!

I'll stop there for tonight. A lot has been said here. As you can see, I've been thinking a lot. Hope it's gotten you thinking.

Bon Voyage, October!!!

I'm so very glad to see October go. October always brings with it a huge amount of stress and business and this year was no different. Besides my normally busy schedule, I was also busy with school every day. I made quite a few trips out of town during the month (including a day trip to the capitol, but with travel time, I was gone for almost 3 days). I've been working non-stop and I hope it all pays off.

And it has shown some good things already. All 41 students of ours who took the practical exams last week passed. I am so proud of my department and our students. It is a great accomplishment. One student made the international festival this year, and hopefully I'll be attending with him come spring.

It is now November. Just in time for concerts and recitals and end of the year celebrations. Three weeks from tomorrow is the closing staff meeting, and it has been long awaited. I'm making my travel plans and booking tickets. My to-do lists grow ever longer, and I can't wait for the day that they don't matter.

I have nothing overly insightful to say today, but just sending you a general update with a note: Never be ashamed of who you are. :-)

Broken

I'm sorry that I forget to write. I should be better about it.


There's this quote that I really enjoy and I'd like to share it with you:
"Out of Suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Kahlil Gibran


I have gone through a time recently where I was ashamed of the scars in my past. The hurts, the emotional scars, the physical scars, and just the memories were too much for me to deal with. I had forgotten that the scars are there for a reason. They are not there to hold me back. They are there to show me the future. To help others. I shouldn't be ashamed of the things that have made me into who I am, but I should embrace them and move forward.

I had a great morning with some friends and they reminded me of this. I can't remember the whole song, but there's a line that says "in our brokenness complete". We are whole in Him. Completely.

He is amazing.

A lesson from field trip...

I spent all week at a place where the temperatures rose to near 90 degrees, there was high humidity, there was little shade in many places, and I had 31 kids and 3 other chaperones to herd around from place to place.

This is what echoed throughout our trip: "Miss, I'm so tired. Can I just have some water and sit down? Can't we rest now? Isn't it time for a break? It's so hot, Miss, and this is torture. Please can I just skip this part and rest? Miss, I feel faint"...

And my response: "No. You cannot rest. Drink some water, put your hat on, and let's keep moving. You're almost to the finish line and then we'll go back and rest. Just a little farther along."

Often times, the complaint came right as we were nearing the end of our activity. We were hiking around a garden on Tuesday morning and many kids were asking if they could go back the way we came and wait at the shelter. They didn't realize we were almost to the end. We had only 5 more minutes of walking, but they wanted to retrace their last 40 minutes of walking.

How many times do we do that to God? We say, "God, I'm done. Just let me go back the path I came and let me rest. I cannot possibly move any further forward. I need water and I need a break..."

And how many times does he respond: "I won't let anything happen to you. Have your water and keep moving. You are almost to the finish line and you don't even the know the things I have waiting for you!"

We just have to keep moving.

There is something that annoys me a lot. It is people who give up when things get slightly difficult. Whether it is illness ("O, I'm feeling slightly weak today"), or when there is an obstacle in the way ("I just don't have enough for myself to give to anyone else"), it is no reason to stop.

Like this morning: I was so utterly exhausted from a week of traveling and working. I even had fever last night as I laid in bed trying to recoup. This morning, I was really weak. My legs were shaking as I walked to church. I wanted to be there. I wanted to see the faces of people I have missed for a week. I thought I was crazy as I walked. Anyone else would stay in bed. Anyone else would have said "I'll just go next week."... I'm stubborn. I made it to church and saw my friends. I worshipped. I enjoyed being in the presence of our Lord.

We are stronger than we know. He gives us strength to move forward. He gives us peace during the rough times. He calms the storms. He lights the darkness.

He is amazing, and has great things waiting for us as long as we keep moving.

PTL!

So far away...

That last entry seems so long ago, and such a distant memory. A lot has happened in that one month span, and I can't even begin to recount it for you. God teaches me a lot of things, and some days He has to yell at me to make me hear Him. This weekend He was screaming at me that I am loved. I still have no idea why this is such a hard lesson for me. But it is one that impacts huge areas of my life. This weekend He brought a group of people into my house to help me make a huge decision, and while the decision is still technically not made, I heard Him. I heard Him loud and clear.

One of the things I love about God is that we can repent. When we have made a mistake, sinned against our brothers and sisters, we can repent, and He loves us just the same. I've never been privy to a real-life version of this, but I have seen it now. I made my own mistake on Sunday that hurt someone I love, but also, because I hurt them, I hurt me. Taking the time to pray about the situation, and knowing I needed to apologize for my wrongs, and then DOING that was freeing for me. I am not anxious about those events, but am ready to try to move forward.

God is so good and loves us no matter what mistakes we make as long as we come back to Him. I am so glad His loving arms are there for me. To hold me when I'm falling, but even more so, to hold me when I'm climbing back up.

On to the next day...

The gift of words...

I haven't been able to figure out where I've been recently. Working through things, and some days, just trying to get through things... or just trying to get through... Depends on the day...

Realized this morning in church that I'm in the desert, and just because I'm in the desert doesn't mean I'm alone. He's with me even there.

But really, even before church this morning, I was given two words from Him. They have helped me along through the day and will be next to me in the coming days as well. The words He gave me are:

"Let Him" - Lay the burden on Him. Lean on Him for strength. I don't have to find the hope. He IS the hope. He is everything. And He gives it to me before I even ask. And if I can't ask Him myself, find someone to ask on my behalf. That's the hardest thing I think I've ever done. But ever since I did that, it's been so good.

"Victory" - We are given victory in Him. He promises it to us, and gives it to us no matter what. Victory is mine in Him. This battle will be won.

Two really good words for me today. And something else hit me a while ago.

There's a difference between "how are you" and "how are you feeling"... I'm blessed. Even if I'm not always feeling my best. :-)

Another year...

Another year of school starts tomorrow. We've been working and getting ready for this since early last semester. Trying to get everything in order for it all, making sure we're prepared, and praying so much. It seems as if we're on our way, and the beginning hasn't been very stressful. There are mistakes being made (and, yes, I've made some of them), but slowly they get figured out. I've been interested to see how things have panned out as far as students going and returning and am constantly surprised.

My to-do list is never ending. My school diary is already demolished by my writing in it. I am exhausted. And yet, life is good. I don't know what I'd do if I lived a boring life.

We watched a video the other day called "Seeing Red Cars". It's about how we tend to get what we focus on. Think about this: you just bought a new car. It's red. You drive around and all you see is red cars around you. True? When I bought my Alero a few years ago, I remember driving around and noticing Aleros all over the place. Same thing when I had my Cirrus. It's interesting. But I've noticed how true it is. I focus on how blessed I am in my life and the great people that surround me, so that's what I see.

I'm currently trying to help one of my colleagues be more positive. He says that when he's angry, he thinks of solutions, but what is really happening is he's frustrating the people around them who don't work like that. I hope I can help him see that it's different being frustrated and trying to find a solution, and being angry and pulling it all down. I've also learned a lot about how I'm leading my department. I mean this in the sense that I have learned why I try so hard not to be angry. Too often, musicians (artists in general) are seen as emotional, irrational, and just plain non-accommodating (stubborn). This has been proved in some instances, but I try very hard to be calm, rational and able to compromise where it's logical. I've seen their pre-conceptions proven to them, and I don't want to be like that. I want to show them that everyone wants what is best for the students and that we are willing to work toward that.

I won't go on anymore tonight because I need to sleep. I have to be up in the morning and moving stools and stuff so we can play for opening assembly. Not really looking forward to it, but hey, we all do our jobs, right?

<3

Home again, home again,

jiggety jig.

I don't know when this place became home. When I drive up the mountain, and reach a certain junction, I know that I'm almost there. I wait to pass the waterfall that signals the journey is almost over. I drive onto my compound, greet the watchman and he opens the gates. I drive up the hill and here I am. My keys open the door and I walk in and collapse on the 'couch'. Home.

But it is. I'm at home here. It's comfortable.

I had a really good week away. Lots of laughs and jokes and memories that will stick with me. Even a few cuts to remind me of our adventures. ;-) I wish I could have stayed longer, but now I am back and will start work tomorrow.

My water purifier is not working at the moment, so I went to boil some water earlier and when I went to check on it, it was SO dirty. Like, dirtier than normal. So I went out and bought some bottled water. Hopefully they will come tomorrow to fix it.

Just a quick update. Maybe one later this week after I finish this new book. The priest in it has made some interesting statements, but I'd have to go back and find them. Maybe I'll do that.

Town is abuzz... summer is over... here come the staff and soon, the students... another year is set to begin.

Accountable

I need to ask a favor of anyone and everyone who is reading this: I need you to hold me accountable. I have been sick recently. On that front I am doing significantly better than I was a week ago at this time. Resting up and preparing for a trip out of town and just generally getting ready for the new semester that begins in two weeks.

But I need to be held accountable to my life. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone reading this, but recently I've had an emptiness where my heart is supposed to be. Now, I know a lot has happened in the last month, and that being so physically sick makes your emotions go all over the place, but that is not all. I am literally feeling empty. I cannot feel Him near me right now, and I know that He is distanced sometimes, but there's still more to it than even that.

I have realized that parts of my old self still remain. The parts of myself that believe I am not worthy of care. The parts of me that believe that because I am the "lowest of the low" does not deserve to have feelings and for one of those to be 'hurt'.

We are called to be humble, and to not think of ourselves and our own needs above others', but there is a time when we are in need and we have to stand up for ourself and call out for it. I am really bad at that. I will call out to God for help, but I won't call out to someone that has offered themself. There is always some reason to be quiet, and no matter what it is, I will put it ahead of myself and how I'm feeling. It doesn't matter what it is, I consider it more important than myself.

I have wondered at times if I have this thing they call "self-defeating personality disorder", but only a few of the criteria apply to me. I know I have the tendencies, but as a whole, I do not think it is me.

I have a lot to learn still in life and part of that is this: I am worth it. My life means something. I mean something. I matter, and at times, that means 'interrupting' something.

I am working on not being so evasive when answering questions about myself. I am learning to be more open and honest in all areas of my life, but I need the people in my life to hold me accountable for knowing when to step back and rest, when to push through, and when to call out because I can't do it on my own.

I read somewhere the other day, and I wish I could remember where it was... ::leaves to look it up::
FOUND IT!
"If I had my life to live over" by Erma Bombeck and the first one is "I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day."

I have GOT to learn that one!

Done for tonight. I love you all.

Thankful

I know I keep saying it, but I will continue to say it forever: I am so thankful for the people that surround me. I got pretty sick earlier this week and had to go get treated for it on the plains. I had them let me out as soon as possible (before fever was gone completely) because I desperately wanted to be around my friends. My heart aches when I'm not around these people. Physically, I may not always feel 100%, but when I'm with my friends here, I feel significantly better.

My heart actually aches when I'm not here. How does this place ingrain itself so quickly into the heart? People become your family in ways that I can't even explain. My heart expands and fills with the sight of these people (no joke). Even looking at pictures brings a smile to a part of me so much deeper than my face. My fever is still not gone, but my heart feels so much better, and that's what counts, really, isn't it?

Our C'hristian family is so big, and I can't even fathom how much love there is within it. He is so good. So good.

What makes us different?

Where I live, everyone has idols on their dashboard (and by everyone, I mean the taxi and bus drivers). More often than not, they are H'indu gods. Sometimes they light up, they play music, and are adorned with flowers. But on Wednesday, as I headed down the mountain for a quick trip, I realized my driver had one on his dashboard. But there was a c'ross hanging from the rear view mirror.

I was perplexed. I began looking closely at the idol on the dash, and realized, "HEY! That's Mary holding J'esus!"... Yes, you heard that right. It was a C'hristian idol on his dash.

So that brings me to the point: If I hadn't looked closer, I would have assumed he was H'indu. That is what the culture here knows: idols on the dash.

So what makes us different? As C'hristians, aren't we supposed to go against the flow? Aren't we supposed to set a different example? We are not to follow the ways of the world, but to honor and obey the loving Father. Are we doing that if we just adapt the worldly patterns into ours? We are not to worship idols, and yet, some have made idols of our L'ord.

Just a thought to ponder... There's a lot about this is the book "Holy Subversion" by Trevin Wax. I suggest you read it and look at the idols that we have made in our lives...

Summer Fun

Summer has been off to a busy start. I've gone to the big city, the small city, interviewed two candidates for positions, had meetings, cleaned rooms, requested money, sent money... Countless numbers of things. It's easy here to hermit yourself and never leave the house, but I've made a point of every day getting out. I don't think there's been a day yet where I haven't left my house. It's good.

In the last week I've cooked two big dinners and had people over to partake. The first night was a dinner full of country cookin': shake and bake chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, applesauce, vegetables, and butterscotch pie for desert. The second night was ziti, garlic bread, chips and salsa, and chocolate pie for desert. I love cooking.

An infection I've had for the past two weeks is still hanging around but it's slowly getting better. All that's left now is really just a sore throat. So thankful.

I went to an import store a few days ago and found Reese's cups! Big ones and little ones. I was very excited. They cost a bit, but, sometimes you just have to suck it up.

Tomorrow, I will write about "What makes US different"... don't let me forget. It's about idols.

I'm slowly making my way through my new books (both actually new and new to me). I've read about five books already this summer, and am now starting on another. This one is called "East of the Sun". I'll let you know about it when I'm finished.

Love you all.

Disconnect...

Call.
Prayer.
Discernment.
Decision.
Action.

Disconnect
.
I feel like I should write a book for young people who are considering moving overseas. A book that goes through what happens when you move overseas. The pits and pitfalls that you don’t realize. The real sacrifices you make.

When you feel the call to go, you pray hard about whether or not it’s right, whether or not you’re ready, whether you have the faith to make the jump… you pray for God to provide the strength and be the hitching post for you to tie yourself to.
Once you make the decision to go, and then GO, there are worlds of things you realize. You know from the beginning that you are leaving your family. You’re leaving your home. You’re leaving your comfort. Sometimes you are leaving your language. You are leaving your friends. You are leaving ‘normal’ food. You are leaving life as you know it.

But did you know that you are leaving funerals? Weddings? Births? Baptisms? You are leaving the dinner out with friends after a bad day. You are leaving the comfort food you run to when something bad happens. You are leaving the park you go to for quiet time. You are leaving the little, every day things that make your life what it is.

However, you also get to make a new life. You make new friends, grow to love new places, new foods, and find different ways of coping with things. You adapt to a whole new society and become fully aware of things you neglected at home. You realize home is not really home; that just as Jesus said, you are a stranger in your own town.

As you fully put yourself into your new life, not being able to isolate yourself from your current mission to look back on the past, you also lose your old life. Everything has changed. When you return for visits, nothing is as it was. You, especially, have changed in ways that others can’t understand. You have assimilated into a culture so different and learned so many different things that you just can’t fit back in to ‘home’.

I experienced some of this last year when I went home. I was picked up at the airport and was taken to my grandmother’s. I woke later that day to her making lunch for me. An American lunch! A lunch complete with meat from a bag, cooked in an electric oven, and on glass plates with nice silver ware and conversations completely in English. There was no maid to wash the dishes later. There was no watchman knocking on the door to make sure everything was alright. I was back in the land of the driving, too! Who would have thought I could drive after a year of nothing!

It was so different being back. Everyone spoke of how I’d ‘grown up’, ‘matured’. I was different. I sat around with family and friends and had loads to speak of, but had no way of communicating what I was talking about. A place called The Budge was a foreign concept to them. Explaining how I grocery shopped was a task. Explaining the Sunday Market was even worse. I was the freak in the sideshow. “Well, that sure is different” was said a lot. But how do you really explain it all? Explain living in a place where life is so different? How do I begin to tell them what is going on?
It is the same in reverse in some ways. So much changes in such a short amount of time, that people have a hard time catching YOU up on everything. So-and-so moved from once house to another, someone else got married and had a kid, another person from town died… you drive familiar streets and notice that everything you’ve been remembering is not the same: parking lots have grown bigger, new cars are on the street, and restaurants have popped up in unlikely places, and the new hot spot in town is somewhere you have never heard of.

As I live here longer and longer the changes become more and more apparent to me. I cannot even begin to explain my life here to people that have no concept of life outside America. No matter how hard you try to stay connected, things change and people drift. E-mails become less. Phone calls are non-existent. So much goes on in everyone’s life that remembering people who aren’t around becomes difficult.
And, even as I type this, I know that this isn’t true for everyone. I know people who have lived overseas for decades whose parents still call THEM once a week. It’s not my friend’s responsibility to think about the time difference, to think about calling rates, and what’s going on in the states and then make a phone call. Her parents call HER. On a regular basis. It’s comforting to know that some people are not forgotten. That connection CAN be kept no matter how long it’s been since seeing each other.

There are sacrifices you make that you don’t even realize when you leave. Or, maybe you have thought of them, but they don’t really hit until they happen.

I am grateful for the family that I have developed here. The people I have grown close to. The people that are by my side and love me and comfort me when I need it.
I miss my family at home, but understand that things change and I am not there. I am not part of their lives like I once was. Even if I want to be. One day I’ll be back, but for now, that is how it is. I can’t change how other people act. I can only change what I do, and I will continue trying to stay in touch, even if at times I feel it’s not worth it.

::sigh::

Death surrounds me...

So, I am back in town and I returned to an e-mail that was sent while I was in the bus back... my grandmother has passed away. And I hate that I can't be there. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: These are the times when you hate living overseas. When you can't be with your family when you need to be, it's hard. I've wanted to be with them all year as I've known that my grandma and one of my aunts are going through hard times. And now, when I really want to be there, and SHOULD be there (I'm on vacation for pete's sake!), I can't. Money has restricted my travel this summer to everything in country, and nothing far off. I wish I could be there. I really want to be there. I love my family. I was looking at pictures, and I can't believe that now her house is going to be cleared out and I won't be going back there. I've known for a long time that she wants her house sold... but man, I wish that wasn't the case. I want to walk back into that house, pull strawberries out of the fridge, put 'em on some cereal, and sit and eat with her. I love her. I loved every moment I spent with her. She was amazing. And I'm not going to be able to say good-bye.

RIP Grandma. I love you dearly, but I know you're with Pa now. I hope you enjoy the view.

Writing...

If you know me, you know I love to write. I have so many different journals, blogs, and papers all over the place... I am always writing...

There have been times where I haven't written much, but there has always been writing going on in my mind. If you can't tell, recently a lot of what I've written about or mentioned on statuses is the fact that I am extremely blessed in my life. I go through hard times, but God continually reminds me of the amazingness of Himself by surrounding me with people that care and people that become friends. I can't even begin to explain the group of people that I am surrounded by and am blessed by in every moment of my life.

As someone told me the other day, I know things are going to get harder before they get better. I don't know how I know it, but I do, and others know it, too.

Thankfully, though, I have people around me to help me through. And recently, I've been blessed to develop friendships outside the school community. I can't really explain what's been going on in my life. I'm so thankful, though, for all of it. Everyone has up days and down days, but I'm thankful for people that are there no matter what the day is.

This is a pointless entry. I'm leaving tomorrow for the city and I'll be gone for three days, and then I'm back for two days, and gone for four days again... It will be good. I'm looking forward to time with old friends, new friends, and God.

Then I have a little while to just hang out here, relax, and then head out for a few days again, and then back for more rest...

It's going to be a good summer.

Provision

God provides in so many ways. Yesterday, I was so down and just not doing well in general. I was debating whether or not I was going to go to church in the morning, and I was just craving a good, solid hug from someone. Like, a DEEP hug. You know those hugs, I know you do.

But this morning, I got up and knew I needed to go to church. So, I went. The whole walk to church I was praying and thinking and talking to God. I know we go to church to worship, but I was really in a bad place and asking Him to fill me up and open my heart so I could truly worship Him. I wanted to give Him all that He deserves, and I just didn't have much to give this morning. It was a good walk.

During worship, the tears that have been behind my eyes all week finally came. I prayed for a long time for my friends, for my family, and for the family of my friend who killed herself a little over a week ago. I let it all out. My frustrations with different things. I just cried. I sang. I cried some more. I was up and down during the service. As I was leaving, someone stopped me, and started talking to me and then gave me a huge hug and prayed for me. It was amazing. It meant so much to me. She doesn't even know the half of it, and was just there and God really spoke to me through her.

She then kidnapped me for a BBQ that was greatly needed. I didn't even realize how much I needed it until I was there and laughing and sharing with people. It was great.

Then I came back for our last Bible study meeting of the semester. We made a recipe that was at the back of our book and then ate it while we chatted about the last few days, our times here, and what we're doing next year. Then we popcorn prayed for each other and it was just an awesome way to end our study. I'm so glad I got to spend time with those beautiful women, and ask that you join me as I pray for the journeys we are all embarking upon in the next few weeks and months...

Then I walked home barefoot in the pouring down rain.

Now I'm home and it feels good. It's time for me to sleep. I have a busy week ahead of me, and I'm really glad for the weekend I've had. Especially today.

God's provision is perfect.

Trials

Life is full of trials, and sometimes, we are given more than we think we can handle. I have been ill for quite some time, but I have faith that I will come through it and be well again. I find solace in the fact that it means God is working on me. If life was easy, it'd be like an overgrown field that a farmer has given up on. He hasn't given up on me, and is training me more and more to be strong in Him.

Besides being ill, I have had to deal with some hard blows in the last week. A friend killed herself on May 7, and that has thrown my emotions all for a loop in ways I can't explain. Papers are becoming more difficult to obtain and I found out that mine is one of three that were recently denied again. New staff might not be able to come because of this same issue, and so, I am now re-interviewing in order to have some back-ups for these positions.

Work itself is stressful. I pray for God's grace to fill me every morning so I can pour that out on the people I work with. I do not ever want to be someone who is not gracious, forgiving, kind, but it does get hard at times. It is interesting to me how different people handle different situations. I know people who yell at everything, and I know I could be that way. There is a part of me that wants to scream at people when they are not thinking logically, or are just being plain rude. But I don't scream. I stop myself, breath, and speak.

It just seems that at the current moment there is a lot going on, and nothing settles down long enough for me to get a grip. This weekend, I don't even have a break. My first break won't come until later next week. Tonight, though, I listened to a sermon from one of my favorite preachers, and I'm really glad I made myself take time to listen and be fed. It was really good and a challenging message. My heart needs to hear things like that to remind why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I continue to go through the struggles.

Because, no matter what it takes, we are on this earth to build the Kingdom.

That is why.

Perks...

There are certain perks to living here. It is season here, which means, our town is overrun with tourists. Because of them, our ATM's have been out of money quite often recently (and it seems, especially, when I walk to one of them). This has left me with very little cash in my wallet.

However, what I do LOVE about living here, is that I went to market today and bought potatoes, tomatoes, okra, capsicum, cauliflower, carrots, onions and garlic. All for under the equivalent of $4! I love it. I just had what is probably one of the best dinners putting everything together except for the garlic. It was sooo good. O, and I should mention that in that I also got grapes and bananas! Mmmmm. SO good.

Anyways. I'm going to go now. Just a quick update.

Laughter

Laughter is the best way to forget about everything that is going on. And I am completely surrounded by people that help me laugh. I am thankful for that. Truly thankful.

I don't know how I've been so blessed to have developed the relationships that I have, but they are amazing. I can walk out of my house in almost any direction, show up somewhere, and SOMEone will make me laugh. And even if I'm not outrightly laughing, they will at least cheer me up.

I spend much of my day meeting with various people about various issues. While I'm on these rounds, I often stop into other peoples' offices and bother them. I figure, if I have to be out, I might as well visit people, right? So, I do. And through these visits, real friendships have developed. And with a broad range of people, too. I can't say that I'm only friends with foreigners, or young people, or only friends with teachers, or only my department. I have a really well rounded group of friends. Nationals, foreigners, young, old, married, single, teachers, secretaries, administration... so many different people. I love it.

I've really been learning a lot recently. About many different things, but mostly about relationships. For me, letting people in is hard. I've been learning for a long time how to let people in, but I've only recently really started to put the things I've learned into practice. Having those support systems in place certainly makes hard times easier.

I've also just gotten a lot of new books. I'm very excited! I'm currently reading Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What". I am about halfway through but recommend it to anyone who wants to learn in a fun way. He looks at creation and the fall in an interesting way that totally relates to life and helps you see things in new ways.

More another day. I'm sorry I've been so bad at writing.

Interesting...

It's been an interesting week. It started with two meals on Sunday at a new restaurant in town. Once at lunch, and once at dinner. The dinner was an early birthday dinner as Tuesday night was reserved by a friend of mine. Dinner was me and four friends and we had a really good time sitting and joking and just forgetting where we were. The restaurant even gave us all brownies and bananas for desert!

Monday was nothing special.

Tuesday was a busy day that ended with dinner at my friend's place. She had made me a fabulous cake that morning and the department sang to me and it was just wonderful. All day long was just good. Students saying happy birthday (how they found out, I have no idea), singing to me, hugs from the most unlikely of places, and just a general good time. Wednesday was another normal day, followed by an interesting night at a friend's and then back for bed. Thursday was Earth Day and so the day was just weird. We had appreciation day from the seniors and all got a card and a rose. Kind of sweet.

Friday was a busy day. Teaching and meetings and getting things done and getting other things fixed...

And today is Saturday. I woke up this morning, sat around for a while reading and just having a relaxing morning. I went to school for rehearsal after lunch, and it turned out to be good. If they can remember everything for their last two rehearsals, we'll be fine for the concert.

THEN, I went to a shop nearby the gate. He sells jewelry, and it's where I got my nose done and my ears repierced. He's awesome and is actually going to teach me a new language this summer while I'm here. I've been trying to get an earing stand from him for months and he finally had it! He also remembered that I had mentioned my birthday when I saw him the other day, so he gave me a pair of earing for my birthday. He cracks me up.

I waited for a friend to show up, and then we proceeded to the hospital for our eye exams. The ophthalmologist only comes up once a month, so you get in now, or you have to wait. We were the second people there, and the doctor was supposed arrive at 4 (we got there at 3:30 since it's first come, first serve), and he didn't show up until 5:30!!! TII. Got my eyes checked out, and found out that my right eye has indeed gotten worse, so I have my new prescription and will be getting new glasses soon. I talked to him about contacts, but he didn't have his stuff. So, next month he said he'll bring it up, so I'll go see him again. It's about time I got some contacts. Glasses make me made on more than the general occasion.

Anyway. That's my life right now, it was a fast, and yet really long week. Tomorrow morning, the music department is taking over chapel. The band is playing the prelude, brass ensemble playing hymns, choir is singing the offertory, and then the brass is playing the postlude. It should be good. Well, I hope it will be good. We've worked too hard for it to be bad.

And then, next weekend, the concerts (April 30/May 1)
On May 8th (the weekend), I am getting out of the village for a day or two. It will be expensive, but totally needed at this point.
The next weekend (15th), I'm going off the mountain with a friend to hit the import store and see what we can get there so she doesn't bring back things that are available here.
And the next weekend is graduation and we finish!
The next week I will be taking a trip down to a temple city so that will be good.

And now, apparently, I am officially a leader for the 9th grade field trip next year. We will be going to a few places I haven't been, so I'm excited.

Word.

God-incidence

Learning this week about God putting people in our lives at certain moments and those moments speaking to us. Beth Moore discusses this in the Bible study this week about King Xerxes realizing after five years that he hasn't thanked Mordecai for saving his life, and asking his right hand man, Haman, what to do for someone whom the king wishes to honor. Haman, of course, thinks of himself only and goes into elaborate details about the robe of the king being put on the man and for him to be led through town on the king's horse with everyone bowing to him... God worked all of that out together to save the Jews from the edict Haman had sent out...

Wednesday night, I came home ill from school. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to take medicine. I just wanted to sleep. And sleep I did. After a bit, I got a phone call from an unknown number, and while I don't usually answer, I thought I should this time. It was a woman from our Bible study who had heard God tell her to pray for me and wanted to share some scripture with me. God truly sent this message to her and it was enough to get me going to at least make something to eat that night.

There are times when God makes things happen that just speak right to us. This has happened numerous times to me over the last few months, and I am so thankful that He is sending messages through various people in my life. It keeps me going and pushing. It also helps me correct myself. I am thankful for the people in my life who will tell me when I am wrong. Only by being told can I fix it, and I am grateful.

God is good.

God's Cake

I just want to share with you something a friend of mine sent me this morning. It really encouraged me as I work through a rough time in my life...

God's cake...

This is about the best thing I've ever read as an explanation.

Sometimes we wonder, 'What did I do to deserve this?' or 'Why did God have to do this to me?' Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.'
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers.
'Yuck' says her daughter.
'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?'
'Mom, those are all yucky!'

To which the mother replies: ‘Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

‘God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

Meanderings on the beach...

6:20pm:
Looking out through the rain, the sun shines through the clouds and onto one spot of the distant ocean. The fish beneath the surface, unaware of the storm surrounding them, keep swimming; oblivious.
The body around suffers. There is rain, thunder, lightning = storms. Clouds abundant. One ray peering through, untouched by the storm. God's peace. In the midst of everything, the soul is calm. No fear. No worry. His Grace is more than enough. Amazing love. So good. There is nothing like it. Life storms around, but the eye of the hurricane is perfectly calm. Nothing can shake a center anchored by God. Isn't that what they say? is it achievable? A reminder on the ocean this evening to be at peace. To strive for contentment. God is good.

7:27pm:
Writing in a ten rupee book. A cafe on the beach. Fresh fish on the stand, brought in after a days work. Thunder in the distance, a flash of lightning. The power that surrounds us. Red dresses, orange saris. Black hair, blonde hair, and some crazy green hair. All these people coming together in the unlikeliest of places. We are on an adventure, destined to cross paths and become a sentence in another story. A shared cup of tea, war stories and battle scars. A few laughs and we part ways, joyful for the momentary eclipse of our paths. When the sun's light is seen again, it brings a new view of the world, a fresh perspective. New light shining on a new journey.


That, among other things was this weekend. The train ride back included three kids who were just too cute that I got to share biscuits with. I did not know any of their language, but bonding over sweets is something every kid is good at in any corner of the world. It was a good weekend. Refreshing. What I needed to keep going strong for the remainder of the semester.

Here we go!

Some quotes...

"Pray hardest when it is hardest to pray"

"There are more than 2 billion professing 'believers' in the world today. Think about that, two thousand million people who say they follow Jesus Christ! So why then are there so many needy countries and areas of spiritual darkness in the world today? The problem lies in the kind of Christianity practiced by the majority of believers today... Instead millions of Christians are asleep snoring away while they wait for the Lord to return." ~ Brother Yun

Can you really think about that?! That means that if every professing talked to and discipled two people, the entire world would be saved! I mean, please, really think about that, and then ponder why on earth there are still non-believers in the world!!!!

In a world without God...

... there is much to be hoped for.

Today, there was a lot of discussion among people about the health care bill (or lack there of?). Many people came to me to ask my opinion as I am a citizen of that great country. I explained that I am not for it. While I think there is reform that needs to happen, I do not think the government stepping in is the solution.

But what do I really think is going on? I think that there is a lack of God in our lives. I feel this is what is going on throughout the world, in small communities and big communities. I feel that a lack of God's guidance in our school influenced the situation that took place two weeks ago. A lack of God's guidance has influenced the turn America has taken. A lack of God's guidance has caused so many things that were once great to fall by the wayside and deteriorate.

God needs to come back into our lives, our homes, our communities, our schools, our courts, and our leaders. I pray for my home country tonight in this time of turmoil. I pray for everyone I know who is moving back there in the next few months. I pray for everyone who is going to be penalized under this new bill. I pray for everyone who will no longer have freedom over their own care. I pray for everyone who will deal with the negative consequences that Pelosi and Obama and the rest of the Democrats are forgetting to tell us about.

I pray for all of you still over there, whether you were for it or against it, that God comes back and shows you that He is still in control and wants what's best for us.

<3

'It is impossible to govern the world without God and the Bible. Of all the dispositions and habits that lead to political prosperity, our religion and morality are the indispensable supporters... Reason and experience both forbid us to expect that our national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious pr...inciple.' - George Washington - September 19th, 1796

Transient Life

There are many ideas for blogs running through my head at the moment, but I have settled on this one for today: Transient Life.

Life is about stages and about changing and growing. Part of that changing and growing will be discussed in my next entry, but today is about how moving changes things.

I spent my afternoon with a group of people that is spectacular. Three sets of parents, a single mom and then myself... the kids were there as well... when it comes down to it, I think that there were seven kids there. After lunch, somehow the women ended up in the living room having discussions about family, family units, and home. We were discussing how some people are chameleons, with no "home" to go to. There is not one place they think of that is home. And others, their whole family lives on one compound together and cousins are like brothers and sisters.

There is something to be said for having lived around the world. It is an amazing experience, and you can't learn many of these lessons in any other way. But there is also something lost when you are away, or when a family is separated. When I lived up north, my family was all pretty much living on one street. There was always somewhere to go, someone's house to walk into uninvited, and a dinner to be shared. When we moved south, there was no longer family around. When we visited, things were different. We visited often, but it was not the same as it was before.

As I grew up, neither place was 'home'. I would go up north for vacations and say I was going 'home', and then I would leave after the holiday was over and go 'home'. I hadn't been out of the US yes, but was already what is considered a "third culture kid". At 20, I moved to New Zealand for a while, and learned so many things there and eventually left huge parts of my heart there. Relationship-wise, that has been a huge 'home' in my life. I think fondly of that place and the people I met there. I miss them often as much as I miss my own biological family.

I moved back to the states at 21, only to leave when I was 22 to a foreign land. This split my life up quite nicely. I spent about 11.5 years in NY and then 11 years in NC with a six month stint in NZ. Now I've been here for almost two years. My life is split up pretty neatly. But it has left me with an altered sense of 'home'.

There is a Kyle Matthews song that has a line that says: "My heart knows where home is". I may have written about this song before, but increasingly, it is a song that means a lot to me. While some people might consider it a burden to not know where 'home' is, I consider is a blessing. I ascribe to the burden idea at certain times, but it truly is a blessing. I have two towns that I could fly back to right now and have open arms and homes waiting for me. I could fly to New Zealand tomorrow and have dear friends to stay with. And of course, there is here. I have friends in all corners of this country. I have been blessed with people all over the world that I love.

And then I come back to a word that H* said during our conversation this afternoon: chameleon. Chameleons can blend in wherever they are. In a way, that is a huge blessing in itself. People able to adapt to the different cultures and surroundings is a huge benefit. ESPECIALLY if God is calling the people that were in that room to work overseas. Having that ability really changes how you adapt and grow in a new place. It has allowed me to be really comfortable in a society that many people find stifling.

What about you? Are you a chameleon or are you "set in your ways" as far as life goes? Did how you grow up influence the way your life is structured now?

It's over?

So, I sent out an e-mail with the details of what was going on, but thankfully, today seemed to be back to normal. Students were back in classes. Meetings took place. And it seems we are moving forward. The semester is officially half over and it's all down hill from here really.

I'm getting really excited about long weekend. I am getting off the hill with some awesome people and it should be really good. I don't know yet where we're staying, but I'm hoping for a really relaxing weekend and good times with friends.

Bible study is going really well. I enjoy the group we have and the discussions we have. Of the five that were there tonight, only two will be here next year (myself and one other person), and I hope that maybe this summer I will be able to have another study brought from the states so that we can start one again next semester. I would love to see it continue.

Slowly but surely, one step at a time.

It's already Wednesday...

I can't believe that another week is already half over. Tomorrow is the last day of the quarter, and that makes it even more unbelievable.

I'm working on being thankful. As many of you read in my e-mail update, I haven't been well, but I am still thankful. Every morning, I wake up, have hot water (most days), food to eat, clothes to put on, a job to go to, and people that put a smile on my face. My life is truly blessed and even among the hardships that needs to be remembered. I've been updating my house a bit, putting posters up, pictures, etc. Trying to make it more "mine" and less a place I go to after school.

I made the decision (that unless something dramatically changes before summer), that I'm not heading state-side this vacation... so now, I am making plans for travelling around this area. I am thinking a trip to some ruins, and up to the big mountain range up north, and then, maybe to some more ruins on the east coast.

I like having the option. New things to do, and new places to see.

But this also means I need to make my wishlist of what I want from the states so I can get them here with people who are coming through our town.

So what do I miss?

A Day in the Life

This blog generally doesn't involve the day to day that I encounter, so to give you guys an idea of life, I'm just going to give you a "A Day in the Life" of me...

6:15a: Wake up, turn on the geyser, spend some time in the Word and prayer...
6:45a: Shower time!
Breakfast
7:45a: Off to school I go
7:55a: Check the e-mail, organize my stuff for the day...
8am-12p: TEACHING
12p: Lunch (or, sometimes, nap time)
1:35: 7th period starts, so sometimes, I am teaching, but other days I have the afternoon off... I'm back and forth between the department office and my personal office. Responding to e-mails. Having meetings... etc...
4:30p: School is over... tea time...

And at the current time, my evenings are pretty free... I spend time getting things done until about 5 or 530 usually, have some dinner and then relax with friends or go home for the night... Monday nights are our study. But other nights are pretty free. It's wonderful.

Right now it's the weekend and today is my friend's birthday. We had a sleepover last night and it was a lot of fun. Tonight, we're going out to eat (something I actually do quite rarely this semester), and then I'll come home and have some time to myself.

Life is looking up at the moment. With field trip over, I have time to focus on myself and it's been really good.

We might cut my hair some time this weekend... and we're talking short. You'll have to wait and see what happens!

Jesus loves me, this I know!

Being reminded constantly that God loves me and cares for me even when I don't feel it. Reminders that come as little things.

I've not been myself recently. I'm working through things in my head and dealing with issues that [I thought] were long gone.

But it's like surgery, when you already have one scar, you have to dig a little deeper, and it hurts a little more than before, but in the end, you heal better. I am struggling while letting God rip me open again. It's a part of life to process and come out the other side. We are not made stronger in the quiet times, but in the rough times.

In this time, I am reminded of 2 Corinthians Chapter 1. A friend read a portion to me last night, and I know it's true. It is my prayer. That the comfort I find in my troubles can be used for His glory and help someone else. Even if I can't see it right now, my life matters. What I say matters. What I do matters. I am just one person. But one person can do a lot for another person.

I am trying to take off the mask.

This is me. And right now, I could use your prayers as God rips open my heart once again and is trying to teach me more about myself and more about Him.

He loves me. Scars and all.

Diffuse...

I haven't written in a while. I gather that is because my thoughts have been rather diffuse lately and I've been significantly busy. My Mondays have turned into 14 hour work days, and my other days are normally about 9 hours of work. Today is my first day off in a while, and I'm sitting at home relaxing. I've been ill for a bit this week, but I have some great friends that took me in and really helped me get through my rut. They make my life complete.

I have found, this semester, that with the new Bible study having started, I am growing closer to some staff that I didn't really know before. I really, really enjoy studying the Word with them. It is quickly becoming the highlight of my week along with time I get to spend with the S*'s. It really makes me thankful. I am learning about myself and different things as I move through this illness, and I'm glad God is giving me the opportunity to learn.

I am so thankful for genuine relationships. Deeper relationships that move beyond passing greetings. It truly makes me smile to think of the people I am growing closer to.

My job is going well. I am slowly getting things done and am so thankful for my department secretary who is so good at her job and is amazing. I have interviewed some really awesome people in the last few months and I am happy to say that we are on track for a full staff next year of amazing people! I am thankful for some of the changes I see happening among the school community as a whole... And maybe it is just relationships I am building that are giving me a chance to see them, but I am truly in awe of some of the things I see. There is a lot of work to be done, but it's good to see things happening.

Slowly, slowly; little by little. Things are getting done...

Only 14 weeks left until summer... I'm trying to get ideas for the summer, but don't really know what to do. I guess we'll see what ends up happening.

<3

People Forget...

One of the things you learn when you live overseas is that people forget. They aren't doing it intentionally, but it happens. Out of sight, out of mind.

This December, I got to hang out with someone who had only been here about 2 months, and we had and talked about this. It becomes more apparent to you when you are the one overseas... When you realize you are suddenly getting less e-mails, fewer letters, fewer people commenting on facebook, etc, it becomes apparent: You've been forgotten. Sure, when the birthday reminder pops up, or facebook reminds your friends to "stay in touch", you'll hear something. But otherwise, not so much. Sometimes, this can be a pain.

But it's the same in reverse sometimes. We try so hard to remain connected to the people at home. We keep looking at pictures of friends, reading statuses, watching blogs, all desperate attempts to remain connected to a culture we have left. And little by little it gets harder to remain in touch. The longer you are overseas, the more you feel detached from everything at 'home'. You are no longer on the front lines of new movies, new foods, new trends, or even new people that have merged into your group of friends.

We don't forget as easily, but it does become difficult to keep things going. Lives differ in BIG ways.

But every once in a while you get a reminder that people do remember. They remember who you are. They remember what you are doing and why you left them. That it wasn't easy, but it's for something (someONE) higher.

I had that reminder today. I got home and checked my e-mail and found out that my home church took up a collection for me. I didn't ask for money, but I certainly know that it is appreciated and am so thankful for it. I hate that I can't be there with them. That between having two churches at home, I am never anywhere for very long, but that they still love me. I would rather be there with them right now.

I say sometimes that I'm fine not going home this summer. There are plenty of things I can do on this side of the world that are much cheaper, but my heart does long to see everyone again. I am putting my faith in God that what is meant to happen will happen. If I am meant to go home, the funds will be raised and the tickets will be bought. And if not, I'll head up north to the mountains and learn some languages for a while, and maybe visit other friends near the border.

There are options, and I know He'll do whatever He wants for me.

I thank God everyday for my friends at home.

I love you and miss you all.

<3

From the 2000's

The last 10 years…
The first ten years of the millennium have been ten years of massive change in my life. Ten years ago I was in middle school and preparing to go on my first overseas trip: to six countries in western Europe! I am very blessed to have the life I have today and it would not be like this but for everything that has happened. These are the top (fun and life changing) things that have happened in the 00’s.

10) June – July 2000 – I travelled to Western Europe with the People2People program (England, France, Germany, Switzerland, Belgium and Holland). It was when I first realized how much I like travelling and started a new obsession.

9) May 2004 – I graduated from high school as a Teaching Fellow and the recipient of the Sempre Fidelis Award in Music. This is a day that probably should have never happened based on the life I was leading at the time, but I am thankful that it did.

8) April 20, 2008 – My 22nd birthday and the day that a good friend proposed to me. He had been a friend to me since I was eight and was perfect. It was a quiet thing, without many people knowing, but it was totally right. Eventually, we might have even told my parents. ;-)

7) July 2008 – Moving to South Asia. I am really thankful for the opportunities here and the people I am meeting and getting to spend time with. There are spectacular sites, and spectacular people. It makes for a truly eye-opening experience.

6) October 2009 – Due to an unforeseen series of events, I became the head of the music department at my school. During this time, I was very stressed out at points, and going nuts, but managed to get through the RSM exams and then all the way to the end of the semester (with our dept secretary missing for a month of that!). And now, here I am, starting my first semester as HoD, and praying that I am able to fulfill my duties in a responsible way that allows the students to succeed and everyone to not go crazy.

5) May 20, 2008 – The day Michael passed away. It was an awful day. And while it was truly awful, it was another one of those ‘defining’ days in my life. When you realize that not everything will go as you plan it and God has other things in store.

4) Going on a Crossroads trip to this amazing country in which I now live in December 2007. During that trip, I learned a lot. I realized that this is where I am supposed to be. This trip is what influenced me to find a job and move here. And I’m so glad I did.

3) Living in New Zealand – Almost every day of this experience was amazing. My #1 on this list being one of them. From celebrating my 21st birthday on a street corner in Sydney, Australia, to sitting around with my flatmates in NZ, to eating banana pancakes with some more American friends, it completely changed my life and made me a new person. I saw so much of God’s beauty in that country. I am thankful for every single person I met, and every single thing I did during this time.

2) May 16, 2008 – I graduated from college. There were times that I did not know if the day would ever come. And times that I was POSITIVE it would never happen. But it did, and I am so thankful for that.

1) March 8, 2007 – Pastor Steve preached on forgiveness and I realized that forgiveness is what was holding me back. I forgave the person that hurt me most in my life and my life has not been the same since then. I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulders that night.

Hardest beginnings...

I've been back for just over a week. I enjoyed the first few days, a lot. It was really quiet and I enjoyed being here without all the commotion. The restlessness is slowly coming back to the town, and I've found myself recently feeling very down about the beginning of the year. Why, you ask? Well, there are a lot of people leaving at the end of the semester. And a lot of other things are changing over here and throughout the year. There are so many good things to look forward to, and yet, knowing that some people won't be here at the beginning of the next year makes me sad. I know it's the best for those involved, but still makes me sad.

I'm just in this place where I don't want to see people go. I have grown a lot and in different ways here, and it makes it harder to know that people are going. I will miss them. They are part of what makes this town 'home'. It makes all the difference for me knowing they are here. Ugh. I can't really explain everything I'm feeling.

Hmm... Not much else I can say. Too much going on.

My 2009 Lists

These are my lists for 2009. I will probably do a top 10 list of the 00's, but I haven't had much time to think about that far back yet. Maybe in a few days. Meetings start tomorrow so now I get busy... :-) Love to all out there in the internet!

Top 10 of 2009:
10) Getting to spend some good time with my grandmother
9) Sending my brother go to boot camp
8) Finding out my father was in remission
7) Meeting my 4th niece – Candis
6) Becoming HoD – and knowing there were people that supported that decision
5) Spending December with some awesome people
4) Getting to share with my church families about the work going on in SE Asia
3) Getting into grad school (let alone all three that I applied to!)
2) Getting to see Sky Day and spend time with him
1) Sharing my testimony at my home-town church and knowing they already knew me and loved me

Top Lessons Learned in 2009:
10) You can be SE Asian even if you’re white. ;-)
9) Family is important, no matter where everyone is.
8) People WILL forget about you, it’s part of life
7) The road is not always easy, but when you get to the top of a mountain, the view is GORGEOUS.
6) You can’t help someone else until you’re able to help yourself.
5) Some people are petty. And they will always be there, but there are bigger things that matter.
4) God will reveal His plans in His time, not ours. Take each step as it comes because until you take that first step, the second one won’t be apparent.
3) When you work for God, it doesn’t matter what other people think.
2) When God has a plan, it WILL work out
1) Knowing you can’t be there to fix everything, but knowing that God has it in control