I need to ask a favor of anyone and everyone who is reading this: I need you to hold me accountable. I have been sick recently. On that front I am doing significantly better than I was a week ago at this time. Resting up and preparing for a trip out of town and just generally getting ready for the new semester that begins in two weeks.
But I need to be held accountable to my life. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone reading this, but recently I've had an emptiness where my heart is supposed to be. Now, I know a lot has happened in the last month, and that being so physically sick makes your emotions go all over the place, but that is not all. I am literally feeling empty. I cannot feel Him near me right now, and I know that He is distanced sometimes, but there's still more to it than even that.
I have realized that parts of my old self still remain. The parts of myself that believe I am not worthy of care. The parts of me that believe that because I am the "lowest of the low" does not deserve to have feelings and for one of those to be 'hurt'.
We are called to be humble, and to not think of ourselves and our own needs above others', but there is a time when we are in need and we have to stand up for ourself and call out for it. I am really bad at that. I will call out to God for help, but I won't call out to someone that has offered themself. There is always some reason to be quiet, and no matter what it is, I will put it ahead of myself and how I'm feeling. It doesn't matter what it is, I consider it more important than myself.
I have wondered at times if I have this thing they call "self-defeating personality disorder", but only a few of the criteria apply to me. I know I have the tendencies, but as a whole, I do not think it is me.
I have a lot to learn still in life and part of that is this: I am worth it. My life means something. I mean something. I matter, and at times, that means 'interrupting' something.
I am working on not being so evasive when answering questions about myself. I am learning to be more open and honest in all areas of my life, but I need the people in my life to hold me accountable for knowing when to step back and rest, when to push through, and when to call out because I can't do it on my own.
I read somewhere the other day, and I wish I could remember where it was... ::leaves to look it up::
FOUND IT!
"If I had my life to live over" by Erma Bombeck and the first one is "I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day."
I have GOT to learn that one!
Done for tonight. I love you all.
But I need to be held accountable to my life. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone reading this, but recently I've had an emptiness where my heart is supposed to be. Now, I know a lot has happened in the last month, and that being so physically sick makes your emotions go all over the place, but that is not all. I am literally feeling empty. I cannot feel Him near me right now, and I know that He is distanced sometimes, but there's still more to it than even that.
I have realized that parts of my old self still remain. The parts of myself that believe I am not worthy of care. The parts of me that believe that because I am the "lowest of the low" does not deserve to have feelings and for one of those to be 'hurt'.
We are called to be humble, and to not think of ourselves and our own needs above others', but there is a time when we are in need and we have to stand up for ourself and call out for it. I am really bad at that. I will call out to God for help, but I won't call out to someone that has offered themself. There is always some reason to be quiet, and no matter what it is, I will put it ahead of myself and how I'm feeling. It doesn't matter what it is, I consider it more important than myself.
I have wondered at times if I have this thing they call "self-defeating personality disorder", but only a few of the criteria apply to me. I know I have the tendencies, but as a whole, I do not think it is me.
I have a lot to learn still in life and part of that is this: I am worth it. My life means something. I mean something. I matter, and at times, that means 'interrupting' something.
I am working on not being so evasive when answering questions about myself. I am learning to be more open and honest in all areas of my life, but I need the people in my life to hold me accountable for knowing when to step back and rest, when to push through, and when to call out because I can't do it on my own.
I read somewhere the other day, and I wish I could remember where it was... ::leaves to look it up::
FOUND IT!
"If I had my life to live over" by Erma Bombeck and the first one is "I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day."
I have GOT to learn that one!
Done for tonight. I love you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment