I have found myself more than a little frustrated in the last couple weeks. Perhaps that is why I haven't written, but I'm not convinced. All I know is that this frustration has manifested itself in me and I don't like it.
You see, for a bit over a year I've been trying to get my health back to where I am at least comfortable, and it seems that every time I see the sun rising something else gets in the way and keeps me from seeing the light. Like a few days ago... I'd been doing alright and was even allowed the opportunity to go out of town for the weekend and go kayaking on the river. I was ecstatic at the chance to finally do something. But by Wednesday I was realizing how tired I was and noticed some things that were not quite right. I called the doctor and we made a plan to address it. Thankfully, it was nothing too serious, but even now it is still unexplained. We don't know why things changed so suddenly other than the fact that maybe I was just too tired and my body couldn't keep up...
You see, I have to be so careful with everything I do right now. Literally everything. And it wears on you. But I do it.
In the meantime, I try to make plans for the future, whether that is a job, a trip, a move... but always in the back of my head is the fact that anything can change at any time for any (or no) reason. And that's much harder to live with, I think, than anything else.
Maybe my frustration is at the fact that my landlord has decided to sell the place where I live at the most inopportune moment ever. I mean, during finals, right before a trip to see my family... really?! It was one thing to entertain moving when it was purely by choice, but it's another when there's a deadline and an absolute surety.
Maybe my frustration is stemming out of the fact that I feel called to do so much more than I'm doing. It may seem like I work a lot right now (some days it can definitely seem that way), but in all honestly, I've been working less in these last two years since being home than I have at any point since graduating high school. I'm used to doing things, and I enjoy working. I enjoy having tasks, having challenges in front of me to figure out, and to come up with new ideas. I enjoy these things. And that is not even a little bit of a joke.
Maybe my frustration stems out of my own critical nature. I have a problem when it comes to expectations. I expect people to rise to the occasion and get the job done. Perhaps that comes from my upbringing. I can't be more thankful for being taught the lesson, "Every time you get bucked off and get back on makes you a better rider" literally. I can count on one hand how many times I was bucked off, and you better believe every time I got right back on. Fear was not allowed. The phrase "cowgirl/boy up" was lived out in my upbringing. Challenges were welcomed and overcome. Every day of my young life was spent working with animals much bigger than me, forging that relationship, and respecting their power. There was so much I was taught, but I'm thinking that is for another entry...
Let's just say that frustration has been running rampant... and this frustration has seeped through the cracks into many areas of my life. There is one thing in particular that irks me more than any other, but I am trying to be more intentional about setting boundaries and making it more clear to myself so that I can move on from it.
Also frustrating is that my only three final papers are all due on the same day (Monday, the 6th). Thus, this weekend is being spent working.
- One is finished and just needs to be proofread before submitting it.
- One is 3/4ths finished and just needs some more interaction with the texts
- The last is in process but needs a bit of work before I can even begin to make sense of it.
So that's my life right now. Not a happy-go-lucky existence, but a season like other seasons that must be lived through before the next one comes.
Time to get back on the horse once again.
