Much, much closer...

Ya know, life is funny.

I haven't been too terribly emotional about my leaving. At least not in public. However, it's the littlest moments that make the emotion come out. Today, it was in hanging out with a friend and her son. Knowing I won't see him learn to walk. I won't be around to drink tea with my friend. To bother during the day.

Eating lunch or dinner with friends, knowing our conversations won't happen again. At least not in the same way, and not in the near future. The baby who pats your arm as you pat her back.

The friends who stop by your office on the way to theirs.

The high five in the staff lounge.

Knowing someone else will be sitting in 'your' chair next year.

Knowing you won't sleep in your house again.

The end is so close. But that also means so are new beginnings. I try hard to focus on the new adventure, but closing this chapter is not easy.

I'm really going to miss my friends here. (And my students, too.)

Before...

So, it's almost time for me to go home. And that is crazy insane. There is still so much to do that I can't even believe it. But what has really struck me is connections.

Facebook is an amazing thing. Through it, I have found friends from high school that, otherwise, I might never have heard from again. My best friend from growing up was found, and now, I don't just get to hear about her life when I head up north and I'm at church, but I actually KNOW what's going on in her life, and can talk to her.

It also allows me, at times, to talk to people who know the 'old me'. Sometimes that is comforting, and sometimes, it is terrifying. Talking to someone who knows where I've come from is also someone that knows my weaknesses. They aren't blinded by whatever I seem to be now. They aren't fooled when I talk about certain things.

But they also understand that my biggest fear going back is:

Who I was before.

Does that sound weird? Because it shouldn't. I've changed a lot since high school. And yet, I'm going back to the same area. I'm going to be in the middle of the same place where some of the worst times of my life happened.

And I know my faith is stronger than it was before. I know I'm smarter than before. I know God's strength is bigger than I could ever imagine...

But I know who I was. And I don't want to be that person again.

That is the hardest part about going back. But telling someone, someone who knew me back when, was a relief. And hearing them say "I see you're pictures, and you look TRULY happy in them now" is comforting.

I'm different. God continually shows me new things. And he never leads us somewhere that He will not keep us.

No matter what we were 'before'.

Opposites.

Now, most of you know that I'm not an overly emotional person. I don't cry (at least not in public), and I'm generally calm headed.

However, there are times when I'm so angry I can feel it pumping off of me. When I just don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling in that moment. Again, these are rare moments, but they sometimes lead to people seeing how much I care in very unexpected ways.

But that gets down to the point: It's because I care SO MUCH. See, I don't do things that I don't care about. And when things start going the wrong way despite my actions, I get upset. It starts out with me working even harder. (And let me tell you, I WORK, so to work HARDER is nearly impossible for most people.) But when things happen over and over again to push against that work, I get angry. When it gets to a point where you feel you are backed into a corner, it's natural instinct to claw and fight your way out. And all my mind is telling me is: FIGHT IT! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! DO THE *RIGHT* THING!!!!

In this situation, I'm not even going to be here for it to affect me. So why do I care? Because I worked so hard. Because I spent days from 7am to 10pm in my office. Because I stepped in at the hardest time of the year. Because I have done everything in my ability for these students and this program and this school.

And then it feels personal. Because it seems like all that work is being ignored. In one decision, a person can knock down what it's taken three years to build. And that feels like a slap in the face. Right to the heart of me. Because that's what I used to get through the hard times before: my heart. My heart for these kids. For my colleagues. For this program.

So now, I'm trying to learn the opposite of what you'd think I'd learn over here. I'm trying to learn NOT to care. And not to the point of being apathetic. But to the point where it's not personal. No-one is saying anything about me PERSONALLY by making these decisions or saying certain things. They are doing what they believe is best. At the moment, my opinion isn't irrelevant. I'm still the one signing the papers, and paying the bills. But as soon as I leave, it is.

For all I know, the day I leave could be the day they decide to scrap the program entirely. But that's not my call. They could sell all the instruments, but that's my call.

At the end of it, I know I put my heart and soul into the program for three years. Completely. I worked hard and advocated when my colleagues felt like they weren't being heard. When my students had complaints, I listened and tried to help them find the solution. When a staff member needed help, I met with them. When something needed to be done, I got dirty and did it.

I'm not afraid of hard work. I like it. It keeps me motivated.

And I'm going to try to be my opposite. And learn to keep it all in perspective.

::sigh::

More and more (or less and less)

My time is dwindling... and how am I spending this weekend? Stuck at home with a fever and no energy to get out of bed. I feel significantly better right now than I did 24 hours ago, but I hope some more rest will leave me ready for the last two weeks of school.

The to-do lists keep getting longer and the time keeps getting shorter. There are less than two weeks until the last day of school (11 days actually), and 13 days until graduation. Slightly more days until I leave this place.

I'm trying to use up all the stuff in my house, getting my packing under control. Cleaning my office. There is so much left to do. Life will be taking a big change at the end of the month. I hope America is ready for me!!! :-)

Anyway, I'm going to run off now and sleep some more.