Opposites.

Now, most of you know that I'm not an overly emotional person. I don't cry (at least not in public), and I'm generally calm headed.

However, there are times when I'm so angry I can feel it pumping off of me. When I just don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling in that moment. Again, these are rare moments, but they sometimes lead to people seeing how much I care in very unexpected ways.

But that gets down to the point: It's because I care SO MUCH. See, I don't do things that I don't care about. And when things start going the wrong way despite my actions, I get upset. It starts out with me working even harder. (And let me tell you, I WORK, so to work HARDER is nearly impossible for most people.) But when things happen over and over again to push against that work, I get angry. When it gets to a point where you feel you are backed into a corner, it's natural instinct to claw and fight your way out. And all my mind is telling me is: FIGHT IT! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! DO THE *RIGHT* THING!!!!

In this situation, I'm not even going to be here for it to affect me. So why do I care? Because I worked so hard. Because I spent days from 7am to 10pm in my office. Because I stepped in at the hardest time of the year. Because I have done everything in my ability for these students and this program and this school.

And then it feels personal. Because it seems like all that work is being ignored. In one decision, a person can knock down what it's taken three years to build. And that feels like a slap in the face. Right to the heart of me. Because that's what I used to get through the hard times before: my heart. My heart for these kids. For my colleagues. For this program.

So now, I'm trying to learn the opposite of what you'd think I'd learn over here. I'm trying to learn NOT to care. And not to the point of being apathetic. But to the point where it's not personal. No-one is saying anything about me PERSONALLY by making these decisions or saying certain things. They are doing what they believe is best. At the moment, my opinion isn't irrelevant. I'm still the one signing the papers, and paying the bills. But as soon as I leave, it is.

For all I know, the day I leave could be the day they decide to scrap the program entirely. But that's not my call. They could sell all the instruments, but that's my call.

At the end of it, I know I put my heart and soul into the program for three years. Completely. I worked hard and advocated when my colleagues felt like they weren't being heard. When my students had complaints, I listened and tried to help them find the solution. When a staff member needed help, I met with them. When something needed to be done, I got dirty and did it.

I'm not afraid of hard work. I like it. It keeps me motivated.

And I'm going to try to be my opposite. And learn to keep it all in perspective.

::sigh::