I'm the invisible girl sitting in the middle of the floor in the middle of an airport.
I just made a realization:
I am SUPREMELY good at being invisible. I live my life in such a way that you (theoretical 'you' at this point) won't miss me when I'm gone. I love people with my whole being, but in the end, this makes it easier to say good bye. You only miss the idea of me once I'm gone. I was never really there to begin with, was I? I didn't make your life hinge on me. I didn't make you crave our togetherness. Ultimately, I know that that will end, so why make it great to begin with? I will do anything for you. Yet, you will never know too much about me. Why would you want to be attached to this, afterall?
So I've become good at weaving in and out. I show up unnoticed and I leave unnoticed. There isn't a big fanfare for me when I come, or when I go. Because, honestly, I do it often.
My whole life, I've traversed two worlds. My family and most of my heart in NY, and the rest of what's left in NC. Then it split into thirds when I left a huge chunk of me in NZ, but also grew in such a way that there was more to share. And now, I'm in fourths. But only so much so that no-one will really miss me. With me being spread all over the world (literally), how can you miss me? You can't know me in NC the way they do in NZ and NY and India. You can't know me in India they way they do in NC. But this has left me with a huge sense of want.
But that's okay. Because I pick up and go on. Having a knowledge that some people are incapable of grasping:
Life continues on without you. Always has, always will.
And now, I'm moving on.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
24 hours...
... And mixed emotions. I'm glad to be getting out of here. But I'm also just like "WHAT?!". This means that a year has been finished.
Unfortunately, one of my friends said today "I'm gonna miss you. Everyone needs someone to bully." And then I hit him. He's pretty wonderful, actually. Keeps me sane. I've really only got two things left to do. One to do today, and one to do tomorrow. Along with finishing the packing. I'm actually packed into only 1 bag for the flight home, so that's good. Gives me room to bring things back. (Still a few things to add... like clothes that are currently outside drying).
Just a quick entry.
O, did I mention that my dad and aunt are going to be coming and picking me up. EXCITING!
Unfortunately, one of my friends said today "I'm gonna miss you. Everyone needs someone to bully." And then I hit him. He's pretty wonderful, actually. Keeps me sane. I've really only got two things left to do. One to do today, and one to do tomorrow. Along with finishing the packing. I'm actually packed into only 1 bag for the flight home, so that's good. Gives me room to bring things back. (Still a few things to add... like clothes that are currently outside drying).
Just a quick entry.
O, did I mention that my dad and aunt are going to be coming and picking me up. EXCITING!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
6 days...
I leave in six days and I am still desperately ill. I got a little better since two weeks ago when I was sick, but today, I'm on the floor again. My energy levels are nil, I have a fever, and I just feel run down. So run down that even my teeth hurt.
I'm slowly getting everything taken care of in order to come home. Such as checks from the school, my VISA stuff, my grades, cleaning my office, etc.
Today is the last teaching day, and I couldn't want to be in my bed more. Seriously. I might go home after 7th if I get all my work done that I need to today. I think the goal for tomorrow afternoon is to finish all of my grades. That way, next week can be spent doing everything else I need to do.
Whew. Just a quick entry. I'll let you go. :-)
I'm slowly getting everything taken care of in order to come home. Such as checks from the school, my VISA stuff, my grades, cleaning my office, etc.
Today is the last teaching day, and I couldn't want to be in my bed more. Seriously. I might go home after 7th if I get all my work done that I need to today. I think the goal for tomorrow afternoon is to finish all of my grades. That way, next week can be spent doing everything else I need to do.
Whew. Just a quick entry. I'll let you go. :-)
Monday, May 11, 2009
Passion...
...The key to a happy life. Or at least, a content one.
This year has been a huge learning curve for me. More-so in a social and political sense than any other. In the sense that I came to a school excited about the spiritual life and history of it, and found something completely different. Where it is just like other "christian" institutions that have lost sight of its foundation. It has lost what it truly means to be a Christ-centered school. This is not okay. In a place where Christ is supposed to be the center, there are so many conflicts and solutions that are not sought in prayer. They are sought by who can pay more money, who has been around longer, and whose pay check will get fatter. Decisions about spending the school money are on what big names on campus use what facilities, rather than where the most people will benefit from that money.
I understand that money is needed to "make the world go 'round", but in a place that is supposed to be Christ-like, I feel that it should be spent on the students and how it helps them. It should not be spent creating more problems. You currently aren't giving your all to the 600 current students, but want to increase enrollment next year. I applaud you for *saying* that you are Christian in a country where Christianity is generally not accepted, but now you have to act like it. Giving scholarships to missionary kids does not make you a Christian institution.
Maybe this is why it seems like this is not the place for me for the long term. I don't know that I've said that 'out loud' on here, but it's true, and it's been in my head for a while. This place is just another example. This is the same thing that broke my heart last summer when I was sitting in church one Sunday and my pastor was speaking about churches in our community that did not want to open their doors to the homeless.
Where has Christianity gone? Where has the love for all of God's children disappeared to? Don't we all matter? Doesn't everyone deserve to have someone reach out to them and comfort them in their time of trouble? To share a spare blanket, and some warm food? Don't we have the responsibility as Christians to share our abundance with those who have none?
This is what my heart truly breaks over. And I have no idea how to "fix" it. I don't know how to make this right, or even show people that they're not following God even though they think they are. How do you begin to help people realize that we are of a shallow faith? How do we show people that there are still miracles in the world and that God is SO real and is moving in the slums? How do we help them realize that they could be doing mission work in their very neighborhood?
And I have no idea where this passion is leading me. But it's not this classroom. Not this house. Not this school. It's not any classroom. It's not any house. I would rather be, at this very moment, in that dalit village in Bangalore where I spent a week in September, showing those children that they are loved, and that someone cares to take time to play with them, even if, right now, I can't speak Khanata.
This is where I am at this very moment.
This year has been a huge learning curve for me. More-so in a social and political sense than any other. In the sense that I came to a school excited about the spiritual life and history of it, and found something completely different. Where it is just like other "christian" institutions that have lost sight of its foundation. It has lost what it truly means to be a Christ-centered school. This is not okay. In a place where Christ is supposed to be the center, there are so many conflicts and solutions that are not sought in prayer. They are sought by who can pay more money, who has been around longer, and whose pay check will get fatter. Decisions about spending the school money are on what big names on campus use what facilities, rather than where the most people will benefit from that money.
I understand that money is needed to "make the world go 'round", but in a place that is supposed to be Christ-like, I feel that it should be spent on the students and how it helps them. It should not be spent creating more problems. You currently aren't giving your all to the 600 current students, but want to increase enrollment next year. I applaud you for *saying* that you are Christian in a country where Christianity is generally not accepted, but now you have to act like it. Giving scholarships to missionary kids does not make you a Christian institution.
Maybe this is why it seems like this is not the place for me for the long term. I don't know that I've said that 'out loud' on here, but it's true, and it's been in my head for a while. This place is just another example. This is the same thing that broke my heart last summer when I was sitting in church one Sunday and my pastor was speaking about churches in our community that did not want to open their doors to the homeless.
Where has Christianity gone? Where has the love for all of God's children disappeared to? Don't we all matter? Doesn't everyone deserve to have someone reach out to them and comfort them in their time of trouble? To share a spare blanket, and some warm food? Don't we have the responsibility as Christians to share our abundance with those who have none?
This is what my heart truly breaks over. And I have no idea how to "fix" it. I don't know how to make this right, or even show people that they're not following God even though they think they are. How do you begin to help people realize that we are of a shallow faith? How do we show people that there are still miracles in the world and that God is SO real and is moving in the slums? How do we help them realize that they could be doing mission work in their very neighborhood?
And I have no idea where this passion is leading me. But it's not this classroom. Not this house. Not this school. It's not any classroom. It's not any house. I would rather be, at this very moment, in that dalit village in Bangalore where I spent a week in September, showing those children that they are loved, and that someone cares to take time to play with them, even if, right now, I can't speak Khanata.
This is where I am at this very moment.
Before I go...
... there is still so much to do!
I'm down to 9 days left here. So, as per my usual, I'm going to make a list of things I have to do so that I keep myself on track.
Get fax from TBC about instruments
Get check for instruments
Write a letter to Geoff about Rock Cottage
Get SoE books back from the bands
Inventory the books and get charges distributed
Put music away
MS reports
HS reports
PACK
buy suits for people at home
Clean office
Get the trio ready for graduation
book taxi
I'm sure there's more to do, but that's what I can think of right now.
Planning my trip home is difficult. There is so much I want to do! I am slowly prioritizing and trying to find people to meet me in the middle rather than driving every which way. That's what happens when your friends are spread out all over the place. So we'll see.
Got a present from a student today. AwW! and last week I got a card from a student. So cute. Kids are funny like that.
I need to go get started on grades.
Peace.
I'm down to 9 days left here. So, as per my usual, I'm going to make a list of things I have to do so that I keep myself on track.
Get fax from TBC about instruments
Get check for instruments
Write a letter to Geoff about Rock Cottage
Get SoE books back from the bands
Inventory the books and get charges distributed
Put music away
MS reports
HS reports
PACK
buy suits for people at home
Clean office
Get the trio ready for graduation
book taxi
I'm sure there's more to do, but that's what I can think of right now.
Planning my trip home is difficult. There is so much I want to do! I am slowly prioritizing and trying to find people to meet me in the middle rather than driving every which way. That's what happens when your friends are spread out all over the place. So we'll see.
Got a present from a student today. AwW! and last week I got a card from a student. So cute. Kids are funny like that.
I need to go get started on grades.
Peace.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Inventory...
So, I've been doing inventory this morning. A lot of inventory. But at least it's getting done. That is always a plus, but it brought to the thought of inventories. An inventory is taking stock of everything you have and usually with a purpose: to show you where you're going.
So, I've started taking inventory of my life.
- I can ride a horse.
- I can do most quick fixes myself
- I have lived in 2 states and 3 countries.
- I have been to many more countries (I think it's like 11 now)
- I have two church families that I adore.
- I have read about 70 of the BBCs 100 must read books
- I can play almost any instrument put in front of me.
- I have been to the depths and back.
- I have visited many more states than most people.
- I have friends all over the world
- I have a Bachelor's degree
- I still have both my mother and father and 5 siblings that I love.
- I have 4 neices and a nephew.
- I have a huge extended family.
- I am technologically inclined.
- I have the ability to do anything I want. And I often do.
- I have been bungy jumping and sky diving.
- I have ridden elephants and camels.
- I serve an Amazing and Wonderful Lord.
... and that's just some of what I've been thinking of. There are so many things in my life that I have and have done. It has been an insanely blessed 23 years.
So, I've started taking inventory of my life.
- I can ride a horse.
- I can do most quick fixes myself
- I have lived in 2 states and 3 countries.
- I have been to many more countries (I think it's like 11 now)
- I have two church families that I adore.
- I have read about 70 of the BBCs 100 must read books
- I can play almost any instrument put in front of me.
- I have been to the depths and back.
- I have visited many more states than most people.
- I have friends all over the world
- I have a Bachelor's degree
- I still have both my mother and father and 5 siblings that I love.
- I have 4 neices and a nephew.
- I have a huge extended family.
- I am technologically inclined.
- I have the ability to do anything I want. And I often do.
- I have been bungy jumping and sky diving.
- I have ridden elephants and camels.
- I serve an Amazing and Wonderful Lord.
... and that's just some of what I've been thinking of. There are so many things in my life that I have and have done. It has been an insanely blessed 23 years.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Closing down...
This year is beginning to close down. My first year of teaching. My first FULL TIME job. My first full year overseas. My first of a lot of things...
The final music concerts were last Friday and Saturday, and I'm really glad they're over. I'm so proud of my students because, despite some mistakes here and there in the concert, and a seeming lack of energy, they showed how far they have come this year. We have gone from playing simple melodies in one ensemble to pieces with call and response, with chords, and with repeats and codas. In the other, we've gone from playing out of tune and slow, comfortable pieces, to playing in tune, rhythmically accurate faster pieces. Both bands knew one scale at the beginning of the year. Intermediate now knows 7 major scales, and Advanced knows all 12 majors. I hope to build off of this foundation next year. Start adding minors in advanced, and helping Mr. J bring the intermediate to add minors as well.
I was kind of hoping that this whole head-ache business was stress like someone mentioned to me, and that with the final concerts ending, so would the headaches. This is not the case. At least not today. I think tomorrow I am going to fast and pray about this. I've fasted a few times during this ordeal, but at the same time, I haven't taken those times to pray, instead. I was fasting to see if I could straighten my stomach out, or if food was causing my headaches... various things. But I think tomorrow, is a fasting in prayer day.
Not much else is going on right now. There are 17 days left until I leave for the summer, and I can't believe that. I'm slowly getting over the E Coli that set in on Thursday, and right now, everything tastes REALLY funny, and I can't quite figure out why.
I'll begin making a more definitive schedule of my time in America soon, and if you want to get together sometime, let me know. I'm already thinking a night at Cooper's might be good. As well as a drive to Georgia. And of course, a trip to some people in the mountains. A trip to Raleigh is a definite, I just don't know when. So, if you want to be included, please let me know so I can make my arrangements accordingly.
I should go. Need to get this pain out of my back so I can get back to work tomorrow (I essentially was out of school Thursday and Friday last week, ARGH! My first sick days!)...
<3 Love you all!
The final music concerts were last Friday and Saturday, and I'm really glad they're over. I'm so proud of my students because, despite some mistakes here and there in the concert, and a seeming lack of energy, they showed how far they have come this year. We have gone from playing simple melodies in one ensemble to pieces with call and response, with chords, and with repeats and codas. In the other, we've gone from playing out of tune and slow, comfortable pieces, to playing in tune, rhythmically accurate faster pieces. Both bands knew one scale at the beginning of the year. Intermediate now knows 7 major scales, and Advanced knows all 12 majors. I hope to build off of this foundation next year. Start adding minors in advanced, and helping Mr. J bring the intermediate to add minors as well.
I was kind of hoping that this whole head-ache business was stress like someone mentioned to me, and that with the final concerts ending, so would the headaches. This is not the case. At least not today. I think tomorrow I am going to fast and pray about this. I've fasted a few times during this ordeal, but at the same time, I haven't taken those times to pray, instead. I was fasting to see if I could straighten my stomach out, or if food was causing my headaches... various things. But I think tomorrow, is a fasting in prayer day.
Not much else is going on right now. There are 17 days left until I leave for the summer, and I can't believe that. I'm slowly getting over the E Coli that set in on Thursday, and right now, everything tastes REALLY funny, and I can't quite figure out why.
I'll begin making a more definitive schedule of my time in America soon, and if you want to get together sometime, let me know. I'm already thinking a night at Cooper's might be good. As well as a drive to Georgia. And of course, a trip to some people in the mountains. A trip to Raleigh is a definite, I just don't know when. So, if you want to be included, please let me know so I can make my arrangements accordingly.
I should go. Need to get this pain out of my back so I can get back to work tomorrow (I essentially was out of school Thursday and Friday last week, ARGH! My first sick days!)...
<3 Love you all!
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