Thursday, September 25, 2008

The pages of my book

There are few people here who know more than I've lived in NC, NY and NZ. Some know I have siblings, and some have no clue at all. Some know my parents are alive, and some don't care. But few, very few, know anymore than the surface stuff. My life is an open book, I just hide it in the corner. It's not on the bestseller list, and you have to want to find me to locate the shelf I'm on.

The pages inside may be torn, ripped apart, burned, cut, splattered with ink, and just generally awful, but I'd like to think that the cover is beautiful and the binding is strong. I never said it would be easy to read my book, I just said it was open.

Lately there's been a lot of mourning, unloading and fear going around. The impending good-byes coming up have some people close to me really worked up. We're not meant to have to say good-bye. We aren't meant to have to deal with death. We weren't created for it. But unlike so many other things, it is now the certainty of life. We will forever be saying goodbye. And this particular person had to say goodbye to someone close to them at a very young age, and is now guarded because she knows that eventually, she will be saying goodbye to everyone else.

Another friend of mine is scared to open her heart because of a recent past relationship. She gets giddy around someone but is terrified about anything past that. She is scared to open her heart up for fear it might be hurt.

But what are we doing if all we are doing is guarding ourselves? What are we doing when we build walls to keep people and pain out? It's one thing to learn from the past, but it's another to lock up your future. (A reflection a little later: Sometimes blood, sweat, and pain paint the most beautiful pictures. Just look at what the blood on the cross bought: Salvation and Lives for those of us here on earth).

In the past week I've revealed deep parts of myself to two people here. stuff that most don't care about. Stuff that I don't bother revealing in most cases, because too often, people define you by your past or make judgements that are unjustified. No matter how much I don't define myself by what's written on the pages in my book, other people don't see it that way.

Some people turn to the current page and look at the picture and see a fat girl. (Someone actually asked me about my weight in the staff lounge a few weeks ago). But I see someone who does not define herself by how she looks. I see someone who worked hard to be okay with where she is so that she is emotionally healthy. Who works to be fit even if that means she's not skinny. And I'm okay with that. That doesn't mean other people are.

There are many chapters in my book that deal with the eating disorder I battled for 10 years. But you don't know that looking at me. You only see what is in the now. Not the pain and obsession and starvation that for so many years was my life. And that's okay. You don't need to see everything. But you need to understand that every mark, line, color and gold lining on my cover comes from somewhere.

Every word in my book, has become some part of that cover. Whether it's the chapter dealing with depression or rape or sickness or love or moving to New Zealand, there is some aspect of it on the cover. It may just be the background that taints everything and makes the bright stuff look brighter, or it may just be the feather on the wing of the bird flying in the corner, but it's all there; somewhere.

So while the pages of my book may be awful and intimidating and scary looking and sometimes overbearing, it has made me into something with a beautiful cover. How hate and fear and depression turn into beauty, I don't know. All I know is that it is the grace of our God that has turned ink stains into beauty, and I pray that it never stops. That every little thing that comes my way, and every big thing that comes my way, and every person, just goes to making the picture brighter, more colorful, and more full of our Lord.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

So busy...

It is now 2nd quarter. It's off to a rocky start. I understand that field trip kind of throws us off, but this means that most students have come back and haven't had a chance to practice. This leaves me with a dilemma: do i let them practice or make them suffer through the same thing they've already done? well. some students i let go practice, others i don't trust to practice, so they stay here. Lots of down time i guess. i'm not complaining, lol.

Other than that, it's going to be a busy quarter, and I can see that already. Tonight I have dinner with the vice principal about a retreat this weekend, and then volleyball. tomorrow i have a meeting with the bangalore team, dinner with bryan and then CE. Thursday i have a dept meeting. Friday and Saturday is the TD retreat. Sunday I'm doing the children's message.

next week, I'm not doing anything (except volleyball and CE). I decided.

and the next weekend is long weekend. Karvala here we come. :-) yay beach!

and the next is the CE retreat i think.

and the next is the so-ex presentations.

::sigh::

I wish I had more to say. But I don't really. I'm just realizing how busy life is getting and how it's going to be. I need to prioritize and really make myself stick to it. I can't do everything. I'm not superwoman, even if I want to be.

Off I go to see if kids are practicing. peace!

edit: I just wanted to let you know that I realized at coffee today that next weekend is long weekend... so, a week from tomorrow I am off to the beach... so excited... more tanning for me!!!!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Tan...

I have such a tan right now. It's amazing.

However, I'm also not currently in the best of moods so I'm only here to say that I got back from Bangalore safely.

Sometimes, you just get sick and tired of the same old thing.

Talk to you later.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Gone for a week...

So, this is my good bye for the week. I'm leaving in a couple hours to go to Bangalore with the students. I just went to the dish to get more medicine, and now I'm doing necessary notifications on the internet.

I feel as if I should be better. I was like death on Thursday. Seriously. But Friday, I felt much better. I spent Saturday in bed most of the day, only going out for a bit that night. And now today, I'm getting pretty close to how I was Thursday. ::sheesh::

I'll be back Saturday morning, and I'll try to update as soon as I can upon my return, but I might be dead in bed by that point, so we'll see. You should call me while I'm there!!! (feel free to, seriously). :-)

I hope you all have a good week and know that you're in my prayers each and every day. ((((hugs))))

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Embrace....

... there are times when loneliness strikes... When you wonder about people at home. When you wish people were around to give you a hug, or just to see their face. Instead you get on facebook and pretend their pictures are looking back at you. You pretend they are there to give you advice or just to tell you some dumb joke.

And then you come back to reality where you're sitting in your office in India, grading papers and putting final grades into the computer so you can turn them in on time. Where you are fighting for your place and for respect. Where no-one knows you. Where when you need someone to understand, you don't have them, because pouring out your life story just so they can hug you the right way seems like too much.

So as I sit here, wishing I could see people at home and talk to them and, yes selfishly, wishing they wanted to see me, too, I remember that even if I don't have my friends and family at home, I have God. God's arms are around me all the time. He knows what He's doing even if I don't. He knows I feel lonely, and He's put wonderful people around me so that I have a reminder of Him. They may not know the whole story, but they know the me that is now, that is changing, that is growing, and that is more important than knowing my past.

I still wear the ring Mike gave me. I still can't bear to take it off. It will never be removed completely, just like his memory will always stay with me, but I know the time will come when it has to move to another hand. And that hurts. Saying goodbye "officially" is hard. And in time, I'll be strong enough to handle it.

::sigh::

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Vertigo....

.... sucks...

I woke up yesterday feeling wierd. Whatever.

Took a shower in Yisu's room. Was walking back to my room, and the world spun. I thought "i should put on my glasses"... felt wierd all day....swooshing noises in my ears while i was teaching. "hmm"

Went out to lunch. HUGE dizzy spells every few minutes... whatever... maybe i need to drink more water....

got coffee in the staff lounge... dizzy spells more often...

"ill just sit around for a bit, teach my last lesson and then go to the dish"....

And that's what i did...

ladies and gentlemen, i have vertigo for the first time in my entire life, and it actually sucks a lot.

So today, Advanced band is going to do some listening and writing because playing actually makes the world spin.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The power of God

So, honestly, it's been a rough couple days for me. Emotionally, that is. I feel very out of it, and disconnected and just generally down.

That makes for a moody Mel. Not fun.

Today I found out that a friend of mine was found to have ANOTHER tumor in his brain (this equals 4). Two have had surgery on in the past (one almost 4 years ago, one last December). The other two have been found in this last month. It really makes me just want to curl up for a while. Escape the realities that are around me.

And then, I take Coco out after feeding him. The sky is bright pink and there is a rainbow shooting straight up into the sky. God's got this and so much more in His hands. I just have to have faith. That doesn't mean I have to be happy about my friend, just not worry.

::sigh::

Tomorrow is Friday.
Tonight, I've got dorm devotions and then the penryn family is going out for tibetan food.

I wish i just felt okay.

O well.