Death surrounds me...

So, I am back in town and I returned to an e-mail that was sent while I was in the bus back... my grandmother has passed away. And I hate that I can't be there. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: These are the times when you hate living overseas. When you can't be with your family when you need to be, it's hard. I've wanted to be with them all year as I've known that my grandma and one of my aunts are going through hard times. And now, when I really want to be there, and SHOULD be there (I'm on vacation for pete's sake!), I can't. Money has restricted my travel this summer to everything in country, and nothing far off. I wish I could be there. I really want to be there. I love my family. I was looking at pictures, and I can't believe that now her house is going to be cleared out and I won't be going back there. I've known for a long time that she wants her house sold... but man, I wish that wasn't the case. I want to walk back into that house, pull strawberries out of the fridge, put 'em on some cereal, and sit and eat with her. I love her. I loved every moment I spent with her. She was amazing. And I'm not going to be able to say good-bye.

RIP Grandma. I love you dearly, but I know you're with Pa now. I hope you enjoy the view.

Writing...

If you know me, you know I love to write. I have so many different journals, blogs, and papers all over the place... I am always writing...

There have been times where I haven't written much, but there has always been writing going on in my mind. If you can't tell, recently a lot of what I've written about or mentioned on statuses is the fact that I am extremely blessed in my life. I go through hard times, but God continually reminds me of the amazingness of Himself by surrounding me with people that care and people that become friends. I can't even begin to explain the group of people that I am surrounded by and am blessed by in every moment of my life.

As someone told me the other day, I know things are going to get harder before they get better. I don't know how I know it, but I do, and others know it, too.

Thankfully, though, I have people around me to help me through. And recently, I've been blessed to develop friendships outside the school community. I can't really explain what's been going on in my life. I'm so thankful, though, for all of it. Everyone has up days and down days, but I'm thankful for people that are there no matter what the day is.

This is a pointless entry. I'm leaving tomorrow for the city and I'll be gone for three days, and then I'm back for two days, and gone for four days again... It will be good. I'm looking forward to time with old friends, new friends, and God.

Then I have a little while to just hang out here, relax, and then head out for a few days again, and then back for more rest...

It's going to be a good summer.

Provision

God provides in so many ways. Yesterday, I was so down and just not doing well in general. I was debating whether or not I was going to go to church in the morning, and I was just craving a good, solid hug from someone. Like, a DEEP hug. You know those hugs, I know you do.

But this morning, I got up and knew I needed to go to church. So, I went. The whole walk to church I was praying and thinking and talking to God. I know we go to church to worship, but I was really in a bad place and asking Him to fill me up and open my heart so I could truly worship Him. I wanted to give Him all that He deserves, and I just didn't have much to give this morning. It was a good walk.

During worship, the tears that have been behind my eyes all week finally came. I prayed for a long time for my friends, for my family, and for the family of my friend who killed herself a little over a week ago. I let it all out. My frustrations with different things. I just cried. I sang. I cried some more. I was up and down during the service. As I was leaving, someone stopped me, and started talking to me and then gave me a huge hug and prayed for me. It was amazing. It meant so much to me. She doesn't even know the half of it, and was just there and God really spoke to me through her.

She then kidnapped me for a BBQ that was greatly needed. I didn't even realize how much I needed it until I was there and laughing and sharing with people. It was great.

Then I came back for our last Bible study meeting of the semester. We made a recipe that was at the back of our book and then ate it while we chatted about the last few days, our times here, and what we're doing next year. Then we popcorn prayed for each other and it was just an awesome way to end our study. I'm so glad I got to spend time with those beautiful women, and ask that you join me as I pray for the journeys we are all embarking upon in the next few weeks and months...

Then I walked home barefoot in the pouring down rain.

Now I'm home and it feels good. It's time for me to sleep. I have a busy week ahead of me, and I'm really glad for the weekend I've had. Especially today.

God's provision is perfect.

Trials

Life is full of trials, and sometimes, we are given more than we think we can handle. I have been ill for quite some time, but I have faith that I will come through it and be well again. I find solace in the fact that it means God is working on me. If life was easy, it'd be like an overgrown field that a farmer has given up on. He hasn't given up on me, and is training me more and more to be strong in Him.

Besides being ill, I have had to deal with some hard blows in the last week. A friend killed herself on May 7, and that has thrown my emotions all for a loop in ways I can't explain. Papers are becoming more difficult to obtain and I found out that mine is one of three that were recently denied again. New staff might not be able to come because of this same issue, and so, I am now re-interviewing in order to have some back-ups for these positions.

Work itself is stressful. I pray for God's grace to fill me every morning so I can pour that out on the people I work with. I do not ever want to be someone who is not gracious, forgiving, kind, but it does get hard at times. It is interesting to me how different people handle different situations. I know people who yell at everything, and I know I could be that way. There is a part of me that wants to scream at people when they are not thinking logically, or are just being plain rude. But I don't scream. I stop myself, breath, and speak.

It just seems that at the current moment there is a lot going on, and nothing settles down long enough for me to get a grip. This weekend, I don't even have a break. My first break won't come until later next week. Tonight, though, I listened to a sermon from one of my favorite preachers, and I'm really glad I made myself take time to listen and be fed. It was really good and a challenging message. My heart needs to hear things like that to remind why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I continue to go through the struggles.

Because, no matter what it takes, we are on this earth to build the Kingdom.

That is why.

Perks...

There are certain perks to living here. It is season here, which means, our town is overrun with tourists. Because of them, our ATM's have been out of money quite often recently (and it seems, especially, when I walk to one of them). This has left me with very little cash in my wallet.

However, what I do LOVE about living here, is that I went to market today and bought potatoes, tomatoes, okra, capsicum, cauliflower, carrots, onions and garlic. All for under the equivalent of $4! I love it. I just had what is probably one of the best dinners putting everything together except for the garlic. It was sooo good. O, and I should mention that in that I also got grapes and bananas! Mmmmm. SO good.

Anyways. I'm going to go now. Just a quick update.

Laughter

Laughter is the best way to forget about everything that is going on. And I am completely surrounded by people that help me laugh. I am thankful for that. Truly thankful.

I don't know how I've been so blessed to have developed the relationships that I have, but they are amazing. I can walk out of my house in almost any direction, show up somewhere, and SOMEone will make me laugh. And even if I'm not outrightly laughing, they will at least cheer me up.

I spend much of my day meeting with various people about various issues. While I'm on these rounds, I often stop into other peoples' offices and bother them. I figure, if I have to be out, I might as well visit people, right? So, I do. And through these visits, real friendships have developed. And with a broad range of people, too. I can't say that I'm only friends with foreigners, or young people, or only friends with teachers, or only my department. I have a really well rounded group of friends. Nationals, foreigners, young, old, married, single, teachers, secretaries, administration... so many different people. I love it.

I've really been learning a lot recently. About many different things, but mostly about relationships. For me, letting people in is hard. I've been learning for a long time how to let people in, but I've only recently really started to put the things I've learned into practice. Having those support systems in place certainly makes hard times easier.

I've also just gotten a lot of new books. I'm very excited! I'm currently reading Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What". I am about halfway through but recommend it to anyone who wants to learn in a fun way. He looks at creation and the fall in an interesting way that totally relates to life and helps you see things in new ways.

More another day. I'm sorry I've been so bad at writing.