Scars

I've been dealing with a tough situation recently, and of course, when things get tough, we tend not to share as much as we normally do. I'm not going to go into details about it because I've basically gotten to the point that I can't think about it anymore, and there is no more writing to be done about it. EXCEPT, that is, to pull out the lessons I've learned and share them with anyone who might come across this page.

This issue all started with an unintentional comment from one person, and turned into two weeks of turmoil. First lesson: think before you speak. He even knew he hadn't meant to say it that way as soon as it happened. But you can't take back the words after they're out. It's not a tape. It's in the books. And it was in my heart. Like a sword to the core of my being.

But that's not really the lessons I wanted to pull out. These are more of the lessons that I've really been dealing with and trying to get a handle on:

1) It's okay to hurt. It's okay to have pain. And it's okay to FEEL that pain.

2) It's okay to reach out for help. I have honestly talked to like six people (maybe eight... actually, maybe nine?) about this issue in various ways. And each has given me the best they can. For some, they just listened. One apologized (the one who had made the comment). Others helped me walk through it and work out the real issues at work here. And still others helped me practically by being there to pull me by my bootstraps when I was getting frustrated. Each of these people had their role in this, and each helped me to get through it.

3) It's okay to stand up for yourself. In fact, it's MANDATORY. I stood up for myself with the 'offender' in the sense that I had to go to him and talk to him about what he had said and how it had hurt me. It's not easy, but there was no way I was going to be able to continue forward with that person without that conversation. I did NOT, however, stand up for myself where I needed to the most, and that is my own fault, and (through permission of one of the people I talked to) I am going to fix that should a situation arise again like what has knocked me down.

4) You cannot fix everything. Nor can you make a horse drink at the river. I can only be there. My frustration with a certain situation has to stop in some respect because I can't fix it. Only time will tell. All I can do is be around and ready if the opportunity presents itself.

5) It is not okay to let people hurt you. People can only hurt if you let them. I don't know if this is coming out right. Maybe it is better like this: They can only victimize you if you let yourself be the victim. Don't be the victim. Stand up for yourself!

6) It is okay to let people feel for you. And in fact, is sometimes needed. I explained something to one person, and for the first time in my life, someone was as angry as I was about it. It was therapeutic and made my feelings somewhat vindicated. It is seriously the first time I've seen someone as angry about it as I felt about it. And you know what? That anger is okay. Some situations deserve anger. It's what you do about that anger that is the question.

7) Over-thinking is bad. I over-think. In this case, I feel like it has allowed me to move through it more quickly and better than I would have in the past, but it's still not good. Which is why I'm not dwelling on the situation in this post, but on the lessons I learned.

8) God is good. He has blessed me beyond belief with people around me that are awesome and truly care. He knows where I am, and He knows what I need.

O, and lesson 9! Sometimes, it's good to have people in your life that will just kick you in the pants and say "NO". And you know what? I was GLAD to hear that "no". It took a huge decision off my shoulders. That person also kicked me in the pants another way and said "no", and while I wasn't as GLAD to hear that one, I knew he was definitely right.

Okay. Now, seriously, I'm done. I have to do some Hebrew homework and then should probably work to get caught up on Old Testament...

Peace.

Octobers are different...

It's hard for me to sit here and remember that if I were at my old job, that I would be stressing out at this point about RSM examinations. Making sure students were prepared, and making sure all the schedules were in order for the three days that culminate the hard work they had put in. Running around trying to arrange recitals, practice tests, and perfecting pieces and accompanist issues...

It surely was a completely different situation...

This October, I'm eagerly awaiting fall break, gearing up for exams and mid-terms of my own, and writing papers... I'm managing my own schedule and not 70 other peoples'. I am not responsible to, in reality, anyone but me.

And is that more pressure or less?

You'd think it would be less, because it is just one person. It is only me and it is easier to assert control over yourself than other people. To make decisions that affect one and not a hoard. However, for me, at times it actually seems more difficult. The pressure is on, and it's on ME. There is no-one else to pass it off to. In my old position, I knew there was only so much I could do. The ultimate outcome would come down to how much effort the student wanted to put forth. Of course, it REFLECTED upon me and the job I was doing, but it wasn't MY result coming from the examiner. It was a reflection of the work of the student, the teachers, the department head, and eventually, the whole school and their support (or lack of support)...

These tests ultimately come down to the work I've put in. And I'm a perfectionist. Which means I'm always struggling to make myself better. I always expected better of my students, but I hold their standards high because I expect even MORE from myself... This idea of striving for the best ultimately serves them well, because they know someone is behind them who will push them and be there for them even if they feel they could have done better. I expected the same from my staff. I would push them to be the best they could be, and to learn more about their jobs and expand their horizons because I KNEW they could do it.

And I push myself to strive for more and to know more, and to do more. Why? Because I know that I should be able to do this... I push myself because someone has to... Because for me, "getting through" is not good enough.

I strive to do what I do, the best I can. And that makes this job (being a student) even harder than before. Because the pressure is on myself. And the results come back for me and my future.

You have to breath through the anxiety and take it one step at a time...

Which is why this morning, which would normally have had probably an RSM recital, was spent in a study group of amazing people, getting ready for my first BIG exam of school (I've already had one in Hebrew). Working the hardest I can to do the best I can. And of course, any excuse to make banana pancakes is an awesome thing... O, and chai...

And now on to homework... I plan to complete it all by mid-afternoon and then go for a walk in the crisp fall air and enjoy the rest of my evening relaxing...

It's totally worth it...

Now, c'mon and ask me questions about Genesis, because I have a test on it on Tuesday and need to know it!!!! :-)