Octobers are different...

It's hard for me to sit here and remember that if I were at my old job, that I would be stressing out at this point about RSM examinations. Making sure students were prepared, and making sure all the schedules were in order for the three days that culminate the hard work they had put in. Running around trying to arrange recitals, practice tests, and perfecting pieces and accompanist issues...

It surely was a completely different situation...

This October, I'm eagerly awaiting fall break, gearing up for exams and mid-terms of my own, and writing papers... I'm managing my own schedule and not 70 other peoples'. I am not responsible to, in reality, anyone but me.

And is that more pressure or less?

You'd think it would be less, because it is just one person. It is only me and it is easier to assert control over yourself than other people. To make decisions that affect one and not a hoard. However, for me, at times it actually seems more difficult. The pressure is on, and it's on ME. There is no-one else to pass it off to. In my old position, I knew there was only so much I could do. The ultimate outcome would come down to how much effort the student wanted to put forth. Of course, it REFLECTED upon me and the job I was doing, but it wasn't MY result coming from the examiner. It was a reflection of the work of the student, the teachers, the department head, and eventually, the whole school and their support (or lack of support)...

These tests ultimately come down to the work I've put in. And I'm a perfectionist. Which means I'm always struggling to make myself better. I always expected better of my students, but I hold their standards high because I expect even MORE from myself... This idea of striving for the best ultimately serves them well, because they know someone is behind them who will push them and be there for them even if they feel they could have done better. I expected the same from my staff. I would push them to be the best they could be, and to learn more about their jobs and expand their horizons because I KNEW they could do it.

And I push myself to strive for more and to know more, and to do more. Why? Because I know that I should be able to do this... I push myself because someone has to... Because for me, "getting through" is not good enough.

I strive to do what I do, the best I can. And that makes this job (being a student) even harder than before. Because the pressure is on myself. And the results come back for me and my future.

You have to breath through the anxiety and take it one step at a time...

Which is why this morning, which would normally have had probably an RSM recital, was spent in a study group of amazing people, getting ready for my first BIG exam of school (I've already had one in Hebrew). Working the hardest I can to do the best I can. And of course, any excuse to make banana pancakes is an awesome thing... O, and chai...

And now on to homework... I plan to complete it all by mid-afternoon and then go for a walk in the crisp fall air and enjoy the rest of my evening relaxing...

It's totally worth it...

Now, c'mon and ask me questions about Genesis, because I have a test on it on Tuesday and need to know it!!!! :-)