"I don't know what I'm doing"

Those were the first words out of my mouth to my pastor this morning.

I went down during the invitation...

let me start from the beginning...
------------------------ ::rewinds the time:: -------------------------
NY was good and bad, emotional but not outrightly emotional. The thing that upset me the most, and hurt truly deeply, was that I could not get a hold of my brother PJ the entire time I was there no matter how hard I tried.

So this morning (around 2am), I had a minor breakdown. I was trying to think of why it hurt me so bad that I didn't get to at least talk to him. And then, subsequently, why it mattered so much what my youth minister thought about me, or knowing that he cared, etc. It came down to the failures (real or perceived) of the men in my life. Alcoholic father, alcoholic brother, a pastor that i loved deeply that left our church after being the only stable thing in my life and despite my attempts never hearing from him again, a sunday school teacher that moved away who no-one seems to have his new address so i can send them a card, an abusive stepfather, a boy who meant everything to me passing away, etc....

I wanted that strong, protective feeling around me. when my brother is sober, that is what i get from him. he loves his little sister, and when not drinking, would do anything to protect me. and my youth minister, i guess, i somehow was trying to make him fill the holes that have been left by the other men in my life. and that is not good. this is a wound i thought i'd let heal a while ago, but it came back out last night since i didnt get to see pj at all while i was in ny....
so, i let that cry me to sleep...

and thus, i was still emotional when the time to go to church came...

i went to youth sunday school... why not? my teacher wasnt there... so i went to the summer youth class. lesson: the great comission. meant for both home and away. something i've been thinking about a lot lately as i think about where i'll be in 10/15 years... foreign missions, US based missions... wherever... just thoughts that had already been running through my head, and happened to be discussed this morning... i was a little emotional at the end... not quite sure what exactly sent my eyes watering, but something did...

then, it's time to go to church.... communion sunday....

still a bit emotional...

we get to the sermon... from matthew 8 i think. "the cost of following jesus" and jesus calming the storm. The former being something that has been weighing on me because there's a chance that i'll never see my father and grandmother alive again. but "let the dead bury the dead" in a way, hit me. God called me to India. I have no control over the health of my family. i can only pray.

somehow the sermon (still rather early in it) came to the homeless mission they're trying to start in the town, and how some churches are making excuses. they dont have the time. they dont have the money. they dont want them in their church if they're not Christian. that last one hit me LIKE A BRICK.

side note: people say that your calling is what you could argue (passionately) forever about...

back: well... this last statement made my heart BLEED. it's things like that that tear me apart. The thing that matters the most in my life is that people meet Jesus and know him for ALL that He is. All that He wants to be in our lives. and that churches don't want to open their doors to the people who need them hurt me.

from that point on, i didnt hear the sermon. i was getting flashes of buildings where families could come and stay and get their lives together, and learn and see the love of Jesus in the people there. A house where teens who needed some time and a safe place to stay, could come. a place that would take them in and love them and help them out of what was bothering them but wasnt a psych ward. a place for people with no where else to go to come and be loved.

communion came, and i was so emotional. Everything Christ had done for me went through my head. Everything He wanted to do for the world was going through my head. I was an emotional wreck.

when the invitation came, my heart was litterally beating out of my chest.

God wanted me to move. he was shoving me. i tried so hard to stay in that pew. was this really the decision God was saying? I've been circling around it my entire life... always saying that i'd be fine in some sort of supportive role. making excuses. I've got 3 years and then 4 years. I've got debt. etc.

"Stand up, stand up for Jesus"

And I did. I walked down front and i said to steve: "I don't know what I'm doing. but God is yelling at me, and I'm going into full time ministry. i dont know what i'm doing. I'm giving up $26,000 that I dont have. but God told me."

and we prayed together.

and in his words "it doesn't really come as a surprise.... "

and we told the church, and i cry, because of course, im full of tears today. but God shoved me. There is no more of this "i might get an MMe, i might go do this, someday maybe I'll do this... etc"...

God said "you've waited long enough to take this seriously. I know where I want you. Trust Me."

So here I am.

And I still don't know what I'm doing.
:-)