Affirmation...

... of something I've come to discover in my first two weeks working at the school. I shouldn't go into detail in something as public as this, so I'm not going to, but I'm going to say that it is very comforting to know that the position I am currently in is not my fault. In no way is it my fault things are happening the way they are, and that with any luck, and support, things will only get better.

I'm going to spend much of this weekend mending my heart as it has taken quite a beating in many respects this week. There is so much I want to do here, but I have to pace myself. It's great to "take off running", but I want to have steam come the end of the semester, so I'm going to pace myself from the start. That means that this weekend, I am taking time for me. For my heart, and for my sanity. If I need to cry, I'll cry. If I need to run, I'll run.

I finally started writing the book I've been thinking about for years. And it's definitely brought up things I would rather leave under the bed collecting dust. It's a part of healing, though, and I know that. So, it's okay.

My mother informed me of a cousin of mine (second cousin technically) passing away last weekend. It's not like I ever spent a lot of time with him. It's not like we were close. It's not like I'd really even heard much about him in the past few years. But knowing that someone in my family had passed away, and the funeral had already happened, all before I'd even heard he was HURT, is hard.

I don't know. There are just a lot of things going on in my heart right now. For these kids, for this school, for this country, for my family, and for my friends I've left back home. It's a little overwhelming at times. I don't want to be another teacher that just backs out on these kids. They deserve so much more than what they've gotten. They deserve a chance to be GREAT. I just hope I'm not someone who's going to fail them again.

I won't go into it anymore, but here's a passage from a book I'm reading called "Out of the Salt Shaker":
" A disciple says ' I hear you. It's the nuttiest ting I ever heard of. It's risky. I'll look like a fool, but I'll do it. Because my life is no longer committed to doing my thing but your thing.' Heaven will not be filled with innocent people, running around saying 'Oh, was there another way? I guess I never noticed. 'Rather they will say, 'You bet there were other options that begged to control me. By God's grace and my struggle, Jesus is my Lord.' "

Oh, and PS: I think up north is definitely on for Christmas. I'm so excited about it. I'll tell you more about that later. :-)