Frustrations

So, I am really frustrated with myself.
REALLY.

Why? Because I find myself jealous of other people and I DO NOT like that. And more than that, I find myself frustrated with other people because they don't know what they need to do, or they are too naive, or they are are too far removed, or they have it easy, or they (insert some other excuse here)...

Normally, I can talk myself out of these feelings because I truly believe that we all carry different burdens for different reasons and we all have different thresholds so they effect us all in very individual ways. We are different people and we are going to respond in our ways... That's just part of life; and like I said, I normally hold this very dear to my heart and don't try to judge or compare peoples' stories to other stories, and I hate the line, "Well at least it's not as bad as..."  We were not created to try to have the worst story, or to compare our lives to other peoples', but we were created to live our own and share our stories. 

So why, right now am I in this place of seemingly comparing stories and getting frustrated by it? 

Because life just isn't fair, and it never will be.

Facebook is evil, because it can breed frustration where there need not be any... apparently, today everyone is "really busy" and feels the need to put out there everything they are doing in some sort of "look at how much I have going on in my life right now!!!" way. But I sit there and read some of them, thinking.... well, you are doing less on your busy day than I do on a 'normal' day. 

Then I wonder what the heck I'm doing wrong because I can't be content doing nothing all day and then my busy day having three things to do, all of which really require nothing out of me. They might require me showing up, but it's not really work, not really engaging, and so, not really busy. 

And I think back to my life again, and wonder how it is that I don't know how to sit still for very long and not do anything. It is an asset at times, but at others, a real fault. Especially in a time where I need to be prioritizing things, and cutting back on what I'm doing, but I enjoy everything and everything has a purpose so I just can't seem to choose! And then no-one quite understands, in the way that no-one can quite understand another's journey... 

Because I sit here frustrated about things in my own life, knowing that I would really love to be able to reach out to those who have lost a loved-one recently, and I would love to be able to be present with those who are about to lose a loved one... and I would love to sit there with my friend while she faces things that truly, truly suck... 

And then I come back to facebook, where I hear people whining about the trivial things of life and how tough it is to have a cold, or a stomach bug.... and I know they are not fun, but I also know that they aren't grounds for calling in the cavalry... Because I know while someone is complaining about cleaning (or when I do, let's be real), that I know people who live in a motel, who would LOVE to have a house to complain about cleaning it... 

And it's all about perspective. And I have to beat myself up sometimes (figuratively) to remind myself that when my house is a complete disaster, I made the mess... or when I am too tired, I am not doing something right... and when I am super-duper frustrated, I need to step back and take a look at what's really going on and how I can fix it! 

It comes down to the Serenity Prayer: 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I can only change me, and I can't make others understand that complaining and whining doesn't fix things... or that I'm sorry you don't have the newest/brightest thing, but I know this woman who is working every single day to feed and house herself and her son while you sit here and talk about it... and I can't explain that some of the things you are frustrated with came from your own choices... because sometimes that's just too harsh...

One of my cousins has a tattoo that says "cowgirl up" and when she first got it, I didn't really understand why on earth she would get that tattooed on her body (okay, I still don't necessarily understand the meaning of having it tattooed on her, but I understand its significance), but I definitely want to scream it at people sometimes. 

There is more that can be done than you are doing. There are ways to change your situation. There is a different way to look at this problem facing you. There are other things going on in our community and world that help give us perspective if you step outside yourself for just a moment and really look at it. 

And so it all comes back to community... when we truly live in community, it seems that we have a better perspective on the world because we see others' struggles, and we help carry them while we carry ours, and in that mutual caring and love we don't have enough time to compare the struggles or get too bogged down with only ours... because then we are frustrated together and not at each other...

And all of this is a lot of rambling, with not much of a point, but maybe it helps you think and ponder and you can join in this discussion and think and ponder with me... 

And now, on my only day off of the week, I'm going back to doing my homework...

Chapters

So, a week from today is my 23rd first day of school, if I've done my math correctly. Check me here:
13 years of K-12 education taking place at five different schools total, across two different states
4 years of undergraduate education at UNCG and in New Zealand
3 years of first days as a teacher overseas
2 years of graduate work back in NC

I've had 22 first days - some of them normal first days, and others a bit more exciting; but each marks a new phase in my life. My life has revolved around the school year, it seems. I guess I should technically say I've had 23 first days since NZ was opposite the northern hemisphere and I experienced their first day in February with them.... but I digress...

It's weird to think that I'm about to start my 23rd year of school in some form or fashion. As many of my friends return to the classroom for workdays this week, I miss (a little bit) the classroom I left. I miss that rush of the new year, the rhythm of vacations, new students, new challenges... life was never boring, that's for sure. And every year you had a chance to start anew.

While teaching, my subject was unique, though. While you had the chance to start anew, you were also always building. I was a music teacher, you see, and I would have the same students year after year unless they moved away or had to quit for some reason (which I rarely allowed). New students at the school were a regularity, but it wasn't often that we were able to fit in everyone who wanted music (how often does *that* happen in a school?!). Sometimes I miss the newness. I miss the excitement. I don't think anything will ever quite match up with what those first days were like. Nothing.

And now, I'm looking towards my last first day, and maybe even my last last day. You see, commencement - at which I hope to walk across the stage and collect my Masters of Divinity degree will happen a week shy of the anniversary of my return to America. On May 26 (at 11pm), I will have been back in America for three years. And perhaps that is the biggest thing of all: I've been back a long time! And yet not at all. I don't feel so far removed from my experiences that I wouldn't be able to step right back into that village on the mountain, be able to gather my produce at market, walk home, take a taxi in the rain, go to Meenakshi's or Abbas' for non-produce items, and go to Tava's for dinner... I haven't deleted my contact numbers from my phone, because you never know when you are going to be back and need to call Ravi for a ride, or need to order something from Rafik.

It's all a part of life, though: first days and last days. We all celebrate first days every year on our birthday, and we mourn for years afterwards our loved ones' last days. We have anniversaries that we honor with parties, and we remember days we moved...

They're all chapters of our lives; bookmarks in our stories that we count forward from, or count backwards to just keep a frame of reference.

I'm reflecting today on my first days and my last days: What makes them stand out in my mind other than the marking of time that they create? Are there things that make some endings better or worse than others? What do I wish was better about my first days?

Firsts and lasts are important; they are critical points in our lives. And because our lives are always changing, they are inevitable. 

Wait. What?

Where on earth did the summer go? I actually have no idea where mine has gone, and at times, I have a hard time remembering anything that happened this summer, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

A lot of things have changed this summer, but I will say that not many of my summer goals were accomplished. Something about life getting in the way, or something like that. I have, of course, moved houses, I preached earlier this summer, I took on new initiatives, and I did have a lot of fun. I just feel like this summer has been entirely too short, and I'm not sure why because there were 5 weeks that were spent on a vacation of some sort. I spent some great quality time with my family, and it is time that I wish could be extended right now. I still waiver on whether or not that is going to happen, and if it does, if it will be sooner or later...

But contemplations aside, summer is winding down. I have a week and a half until my last year of graduate school begins. I have a kind of busy semester not to mention working to pay the bills (and don't forget life in there somewhere!). Because my schedule is going to be tight, I have to be more intentional about self-care - keeping appointments, listening carefully to my body, and most importantly - listening to my soul. I've got enough going on without burning out at some point.

Which brings me to something else. I read a blog a little while ago that spoke to me. You can read it here. It talks about the inside versus outside leg when showing horses. This is something I grew up knowing - showing the judges one thing (a calm, collected presence), while working hard in the hidden spaces. I began reflecting on my summer and my current position in life and almost feel like I'm not taking care of myself as I should. I haven't read any books this summer (save the Hunger Games trilogy for the first time); I haven't done anything extraordinary; My initial plan to take a day off per week (or at least every other) didn't pan out... All these things... But I realized that I've done an okay job at finding new ways - in particular, through art.

I came upon this outlet as an assignment and didn't expect it to be something to last, but it has. I'm not amazing, and what I do is not for presentation, but for me to try to process, and to keep my mind working. And that is important, because right now, I'm not sure my mind is ready for school to start back.

The end of summer is no fun.

But I think that in the coming days I'm going to make some fall goals, and I will need to be more accountable to keeping them. I want to cook more and maybe fall will be more conducive to that since so many of the recipes I want to try are crock-pot recipes.

But for now, a week and a half more of summer. I hope to end it well, as it is my last summer vacation, I suppose. At least, a long one...

And they stop

Brutal honesty here: The words have stopped again. There just are no words for some of the things going on in the world today. From people being persecuted for words spoken 30 years ago, to young children fighting battles that no-one should ever face, there is too much. And so the words have stopped. I have other releases at the moment, but mostly, it's just "pushing through it" until I have a day or two where I have nothing to do and can sit with all of this.

I'm still in the process of moving, and while a lot of it hasn't been bad (just long and drawn out), the worst part has been dealing with my internet provider. They just seem incompetent, and that is not something I enjoy. If you are going to do a job, do it well; if you can't do it well, go find a different one. So, they have been really annoying. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with a guy, to tell me that I should just go into the location they have here and explain it all, to getting a phone call at 8am saying someone was on the way to hook my internet, and that there is a charge for it! Forget that I need it disconnected at the old address, and already have all the equipment, she tells me I'll need to make a separate work order for that. Excuse me? I never put in a work order to begin with, I did not agree to being charged to turn on my internet, and you charge me more than you should to begin with just to have internet. So I told her to cancel the installation this morning, and to have someone look at their pricing and I'll consider staying with them. They'll call me back later. You don't call me at 8am for something I didn't ask for. So, hopefully I'll end up with a better deal out of all of this.

So that's the excitement that is my life. I have nothing deep to offer, for this well is pretty low at the moment. I've received a few beating recently, and I've just got to work on patching up the holes so I can hold water again.

Maybe my next vacation will be what I need... It's only a couple weeks away.

Off I go to try to move some more. Other than internet, I hope today is the last day in the old place. And, who knows, maybe a few days without the internet will be good for me. Forced relaxation and disconnection.

Sometimes that's all we need
Stopping isn't bad, it's just part of life.

Spoken Words

My mode of communication is normally words; written words, in particular. I like to play with them, form parallels and then draw dichotomies. I enjoy using words to paint pictures from a different perspective.

But recently I've had a lot of experiences with the spoken words of friends and acquaintances that have meant a lot to me. Some of them were from women who have been praying for me for over a year and finally met me last week. In our conversation and prayer time they spoke words that I've thought before, wondered about, or just have never had the courage to say. There is power in putting words to those feelings and thoughts.

There have also been words of affirmation in my life. Many of them in the last couple weeks. Spoken to me at very different times, and with very different points, but that give me encouragement for various aspects of my life. While some of the words are flattering, I know that I will not be able to live into all of them.

And tonight, as there are so many things in my life and the lives of people I care about, that I lift up spoken words and cries of the heart in places where there are no words. God hears the cries whether through words, song, pictures, or silence. I am glad God hears these prayers no matter how we utter them, and I watch and listen anxiously for answers.

Reflective

I guess I've been kind of reflective recently. It's just that there was about a month where the words just would not come out. I was doing everything I could to live my life and trying to be present in each moment, and I just wasn't. Life was weighing me down and I couldn't figure out how to get out from underneath the weight.

Everything seemed to push me over an edge that I rarely ever even see.

After a particularly rough week there were finally a couple people who spoke words that I needed and pushed in the right spots that I finally took some time to not fight and force my way out of that place. Instead, I finally settled into that space and let myself feel the weight of it. And in the feeling the weight of it, I was able to start to let some of it go.

You see, life is a learning curve. I've learned some big lessons in my life, but one thing I will always be is stubborn. Wherever I learned it, I learned long ago to push through it and do what needs to be done. What needs to be done will always be done in my book. But this chapter in the book, well, it taught me to not push for a little while.

I think I was watching something recently; that or I was reading something... either way, I can visualize in my mind the lesson in the words: sit with what is going on and feel it. O! It was the show called "Addicted." The interventionist spoke about the hardest part of detoxing and rehab is learning to sit with the emotions you are pushing off with drugs.

Well, folks, my drug is the push. My drug is getting things done at all costs. I enjoy doing things and I enjoy doing what I do well (or at least to the very best that I can do it, which I hope is well for those around me). This is both a positive and a negative. I've learned in the last few years how to say "no" when it needs to be said, and I learn continuously how and where to draw lines with others. But this recent lesson was about the line within myself - learning to say no to me and learning to sit with it all.

I don't know why the words stopped. I think that for a little bit, there was literally too much going on for me to really have time to listen for them.

To give a rundown of my life recently:
- My landlord decided she is selling this residence, so I've had to find a new one, and begin to get this one ready to move out and yet still decent while it is shown.
- My second year of graduate school ended.
- Work ended, along with all the exciting end-of-year/wrap-it-up things that needed to get done (and still need to get done).
- Pentecost Sunday project.
- A long-awaited and much-needed vacation.
- Organizing the services and preaching a very busy Sunday right after said vacation.
- Dog sitting for a couple friends.
- Applying for and interviewing for jobs.
- Scholarship applications.
- Doctors appointments. Lots and lots of them and all the stuff that comes with them.
- O, and trying to live my life, see friends, do my normal work, and if I can remember, trying to eat.

This is all in the last month only. It has literally been a month that has flown and crawled by. Often not in the ways I needed it to. I'm not so sure the rest of my summer isn't going to follow a similar pattern. There is a lot I want to do this summer, including new things at the church (new ideas on that to come later!), more travel to see my family, travel to see friends, maybe just some travel to travel and have a break (mileage, anyone?)... and of course: working on my bucket list!

But for now, slowing down mentally is key.

I love living my life, but months like the last one remind me how important it is to step back on occasion; so my new self-care practice is taking at least one day every two weeks where I focus on staying in touch with myself and not necessarily the people around me. Yes, sometimes it includes people, but my goal for those days is refreshment. I'm planning things like days at the park, days at the pool, days where I just go somewhere new or different and enjoy fully what I really want to do.

Life is but a moment on the spectrum of time. And I intend to enjoy this moment, and each that I'm given. Especially with my new lesson under my belt and the necessity of practice.

We all do this from time to time. Where are you pushing too hard this week? Is there something in your life that is your addiction? What is weighing you down and is there a way for you to let yourself feel it fully so you can let it go?

The heavy things in our lives need not be so oppressive.

The Making of Free Water

On June 2nd I preached at the church where I'm an intern. I took a risk and shared a message that was a challenge to myself, as well. This was the second time that sermon had been preached, though it was tweaked for each particular context, but it was a challenge each time.

The message I was to deliver was one that came to me through a lot of prayer and exegetical work. It was a message that was calling the church out for their behavior. It was a message that was calling me out.

I chose a video that demonstrated what I was saying. I chose songs that spoke directly of the point, often sharing words with the scripture.

And I wrestled with myself as the time came to deliver the sermon.

I knew this was a challenging sermon. I knew that words would reach out to the ears around me, and I knew that, to some people, they would sting. I was actually hoping they would sting. They had stung me repeatedly as I had prepared. We all need to be called out at some point. Being called out forces us to examine ourselves and (hopefully) change what we are doing.

Apparently it was a well received sermon and that makes me glad. Many people have complimented it and said that they were still talking about it in different gatherings. My only hope is that it did challenge the people around me as much as it challenged me and continues to shape me.

So what was the point? What was I hoping people would hear?

Well, it's the fact that sometimes the church is the very thing standing in the way of people seeing God. That it's the Christians that sometimes give off the impression that God isn't for everyone. Sometimes, it's me standing in the way.

What do I say? What do you do? What do we put out there that make our doors unwelcoming to our communities? Are we even outside our walls or are we always expecting people to come to us first?

The scripture was Isaiah 55:1-11, and the video, should you choose to watch it, can be found here.

This was one of those Sundays that is going to stick with me, and I hope the message sticks with the people who heard it. I hope it helps me question each and every day what my actions are, what my words are, and how I can better be an agent of God's peace and welcoming in this world.

And that is the making and reflection on free water.

Click here to watch another video, if you'd like. A friend showed me this the other day and it epitomizes the point of my sermon. Let us all be the proof this week to the people around us.