I wish I could say it's been a great week since I last wrote. I can't say it's been awful, because it truly hasn't been, however, it's been trying at times. Getting ready for RSM, trying not to die, not having a real weekend, getting sick on Saturday night, and just plain RAIN! I will not complain about it, though, as I've done my fair share of it recently. I always try to live in the moment and try to be where I am and no-where else, but with my mind, it's hard to keep it in one place, but that has been my challenge this week. To live the moment and be here fully. Afterall, the next moment is not guaranteed. Just because you wake up in the morning does not mean you will go to sleep that night. We should be thankful for all moments and live them each to their potential.
I haven't really had a chance to write, not did I really say too much last time I wrote, but I was contemplating the shortness of life. What brought this around? Well, apart from friends that have died in the last couple years, it is also about a friend of mine from elementary school in NY. She had cystic fibrosis, and passed away last Sunday (the 12th). I can't say we were extremely close, but we were definitely in classes together and sang in chorus together, and I can picture her in our kindergarten yearbook in Mrs. Freshauer's class.
I haven't received news from home in a good long while, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I tried to call home last week, but could not get through. I haven't had any news about Sky, so if you know something, please tell me. He's in my prayers and on the hearts and minds of some of my friends here as I've asked for prayers to be sent his way.
Also, if any of my family is reading this: E-mail me!!!! It's the most convenient way to stay in touch with me. I have to bring my laptop up to school in order to skype, and that's not always easy (especially in all this rain).
I did get some news today that I can't wait until it's time to share it! I know some people here read this, though, so I really shouldn't say for now, but it really makes me appreciate God's timing and grace.
Have a happy rest of the week and I'll get back to you guys soon!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Community
We were not created to live alone. We were not created to deal with death. We were created to live in community with eachother sharing our lives and everything we have. Sharing our hearts, our emotions, our mundane.
But in today's world, it is so hard to have that. People mess with other peoples' hearts. People don't think it matters what you do. People wonder why they always feel alone and are always searching for the next new thing out there.
Because we're not supposed to be isolated. We're not supposed to have to build walls just so we don't get hurt (again). We need to tear these walls down and build real relationships where we share with eachother, where we spend time with eachother.
I think one of the best parts of India is tea time. Where we all head to the staff lounge for tea/coffee, a snack, and conversation. Where we talk to people instead of sitting in our office, isolated from the rest of the school. I thoroughly enjoy talking to people, whether they're the same people I talk to everyday or someone I just happen to see every few days. It's good to hear how their work is going and to get out of "band world" for a bit.
It's good to step outside ourself and be there for a friend who needs us. To say "it might not feel good today, but it will pass". It's good to be able to say "well, we're all busy today, but November is right around the corner". To be there for someone else. This is one reason India has a leg up on the world. Most schools teachers get into the staff lounge after a huge day with too many students and gripe. But here, yea we gripe, that's true, but more often we go up there and we talk to each other like people. That's kind of nice.
This has no point. I'm really busy, and sometimes stressing, and sometimes crying over the dumb stuff, but even just the small breaks in the staff lounge are a great release and a chance to be a person amidst all the "teacher" that I have to be.
<3
But in today's world, it is so hard to have that. People mess with other peoples' hearts. People don't think it matters what you do. People wonder why they always feel alone and are always searching for the next new thing out there.
Because we're not supposed to be isolated. We're not supposed to have to build walls just so we don't get hurt (again). We need to tear these walls down and build real relationships where we share with eachother, where we spend time with eachother.
I think one of the best parts of India is tea time. Where we all head to the staff lounge for tea/coffee, a snack, and conversation. Where we talk to people instead of sitting in our office, isolated from the rest of the school. I thoroughly enjoy talking to people, whether they're the same people I talk to everyday or someone I just happen to see every few days. It's good to hear how their work is going and to get out of "band world" for a bit.
It's good to step outside ourself and be there for a friend who needs us. To say "it might not feel good today, but it will pass". It's good to be able to say "well, we're all busy today, but November is right around the corner". To be there for someone else. This is one reason India has a leg up on the world. Most schools teachers get into the staff lounge after a huge day with too many students and gripe. But here, yea we gripe, that's true, but more often we go up there and we talk to each other like people. That's kind of nice.
This has no point. I'm really busy, and sometimes stressing, and sometimes crying over the dumb stuff, but even just the small breaks in the staff lounge are a great release and a chance to be a person amidst all the "teacher" that I have to be.
<3
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Of Mice, Men and beaches....
I had a wonderful, relaxing, amazing, and refreshing three days at a beach called Varkala in Kerala. I pulled a muscle in my back on the first day, however, so I didn't go down to the beach after that day. I pulled it in the water (letting myself get pounded by waves and body surfing... you know, the good stuff), so it was well worth it. You may be like, "So why didn't you at least go sit on the beach?" Well, the beach is down a cliff, so you have to go down stairs. Sore back plus vertigo means a Melissa that isn't going to make it, lol. I'm only peeling a little bit after all the sun, and I'm so glad to be tan!
On the way back from Varkala, we had an overnight train. At one of the stations where we stopped, a man came up to the train window and tried to open the window. He was really persistant. It was quite scary. The mouse mentioned in my title has to do with the mouse that plagued our carriage. O, India. It was really nice to have hot showers at the beach, though!! (I still don't have hot water at my house)
Since being back I've done a bit of sleeping, ate at Tibb's last night, and tonight I think I'm going to Fay's before volleyball. It should be a good night.
It's RSM month, which means that I have to stay after school to wait for students to drop in. This means that there might be a whole lot of updates this month. :-)
I had my first "evaluation" as a probationary teacher today, and it went well. Pratap (my HOD) even said "good job" at tea this afternoon. That is quite refreshing. Any kind of observation makes me nervous and it's good to know the first one went well. We began talking about the spring trip today as well, and there is a possibility I'll be going to Bangalore again. :-)
Tomorrow we're recording the AMIS auditions, and if we're done in time, I'll go to CE. If not, I'm going home and going to bed.
Hmm... not much else going on in my life at the moment. It's retreating monsoon season now, so rain's come and are very heavy when they do. My clothes have been trying to dry for days and it's just not happening. I'm going to pull some of them in and put them in front of the fire tonight (I've gotten quite good at lighting a fire).
Keep praying for India and the persecution here. And pray for the missionaries throughout this country. Some you know, some you've heard of, and the many that we don't know.
I guess I'll write more some other time.
PEACE!
On the way back from Varkala, we had an overnight train. At one of the stations where we stopped, a man came up to the train window and tried to open the window. He was really persistant. It was quite scary. The mouse mentioned in my title has to do with the mouse that plagued our carriage. O, India. It was really nice to have hot showers at the beach, though!! (I still don't have hot water at my house)
Since being back I've done a bit of sleeping, ate at Tibb's last night, and tonight I think I'm going to Fay's before volleyball. It should be a good night.
It's RSM month, which means that I have to stay after school to wait for students to drop in. This means that there might be a whole lot of updates this month. :-)
I had my first "evaluation" as a probationary teacher today, and it went well. Pratap (my HOD) even said "good job" at tea this afternoon. That is quite refreshing. Any kind of observation makes me nervous and it's good to know the first one went well. We began talking about the spring trip today as well, and there is a possibility I'll be going to Bangalore again. :-)
Tomorrow we're recording the AMIS auditions, and if we're done in time, I'll go to CE. If not, I'm going home and going to bed.
Hmm... not much else going on in my life at the moment. It's retreating monsoon season now, so rain's come and are very heavy when they do. My clothes have been trying to dry for days and it's just not happening. I'm going to pull some of them in and put them in front of the fire tonight (I've gotten quite good at lighting a fire).
Keep praying for India and the persecution here. And pray for the missionaries throughout this country. Some you know, some you've heard of, and the many that we don't know.
I guess I'll write more some other time.
PEACE!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The pages of my book
There are few people here who know more than I've lived in NC, NY and NZ. Some know I have siblings, and some have no clue at all. Some know my parents are alive, and some don't care. But few, very few, know anymore than the surface stuff. My life is an open book, I just hide it in the corner. It's not on the bestseller list, and you have to want to find me to locate the shelf I'm on.
The pages inside may be torn, ripped apart, burned, cut, splattered with ink, and just generally awful, but I'd like to think that the cover is beautiful and the binding is strong. I never said it would be easy to read my book, I just said it was open.
Lately there's been a lot of mourning, unloading and fear going around. The impending good-byes coming up have some people close to me really worked up. We're not meant to have to say good-bye. We aren't meant to have to deal with death. We weren't created for it. But unlike so many other things, it is now the certainty of life. We will forever be saying goodbye. And this particular person had to say goodbye to someone close to them at a very young age, and is now guarded because she knows that eventually, she will be saying goodbye to everyone else.
Another friend of mine is scared to open her heart because of a recent past relationship. She gets giddy around someone but is terrified about anything past that. She is scared to open her heart up for fear it might be hurt.
But what are we doing if all we are doing is guarding ourselves? What are we doing when we build walls to keep people and pain out? It's one thing to learn from the past, but it's another to lock up your future. (A reflection a little later: Sometimes blood, sweat, and pain paint the most beautiful pictures. Just look at what the blood on the cross bought: Salvation and Lives for those of us here on earth).
In the past week I've revealed deep parts of myself to two people here. stuff that most don't care about. Stuff that I don't bother revealing in most cases, because too often, people define you by your past or make judgements that are unjustified. No matter how much I don't define myself by what's written on the pages in my book, other people don't see it that way.
Some people turn to the current page and look at the picture and see a fat girl. (Someone actually asked me about my weight in the staff lounge a few weeks ago). But I see someone who does not define herself by how she looks. I see someone who worked hard to be okay with where she is so that she is emotionally healthy. Who works to be fit even if that means she's not skinny. And I'm okay with that. That doesn't mean other people are.
There are many chapters in my book that deal with the eating disorder I battled for 10 years. But you don't know that looking at me. You only see what is in the now. Not the pain and obsession and starvation that for so many years was my life. And that's okay. You don't need to see everything. But you need to understand that every mark, line, color and gold lining on my cover comes from somewhere.
Every word in my book, has become some part of that cover. Whether it's the chapter dealing with depression or rape or sickness or love or moving to New Zealand, there is some aspect of it on the cover. It may just be the background that taints everything and makes the bright stuff look brighter, or it may just be the feather on the wing of the bird flying in the corner, but it's all there; somewhere.
So while the pages of my book may be awful and intimidating and scary looking and sometimes overbearing, it has made me into something with a beautiful cover. How hate and fear and depression turn into beauty, I don't know. All I know is that it is the grace of our God that has turned ink stains into beauty, and I pray that it never stops. That every little thing that comes my way, and every big thing that comes my way, and every person, just goes to making the picture brighter, more colorful, and more full of our Lord.
The pages inside may be torn, ripped apart, burned, cut, splattered with ink, and just generally awful, but I'd like to think that the cover is beautiful and the binding is strong. I never said it would be easy to read my book, I just said it was open.
Lately there's been a lot of mourning, unloading and fear going around. The impending good-byes coming up have some people close to me really worked up. We're not meant to have to say good-bye. We aren't meant to have to deal with death. We weren't created for it. But unlike so many other things, it is now the certainty of life. We will forever be saying goodbye. And this particular person had to say goodbye to someone close to them at a very young age, and is now guarded because she knows that eventually, she will be saying goodbye to everyone else.
Another friend of mine is scared to open her heart because of a recent past relationship. She gets giddy around someone but is terrified about anything past that. She is scared to open her heart up for fear it might be hurt.
But what are we doing if all we are doing is guarding ourselves? What are we doing when we build walls to keep people and pain out? It's one thing to learn from the past, but it's another to lock up your future. (A reflection a little later: Sometimes blood, sweat, and pain paint the most beautiful pictures. Just look at what the blood on the cross bought: Salvation and Lives for those of us here on earth).
In the past week I've revealed deep parts of myself to two people here. stuff that most don't care about. Stuff that I don't bother revealing in most cases, because too often, people define you by your past or make judgements that are unjustified. No matter how much I don't define myself by what's written on the pages in my book, other people don't see it that way.
Some people turn to the current page and look at the picture and see a fat girl. (Someone actually asked me about my weight in the staff lounge a few weeks ago). But I see someone who does not define herself by how she looks. I see someone who worked hard to be okay with where she is so that she is emotionally healthy. Who works to be fit even if that means she's not skinny. And I'm okay with that. That doesn't mean other people are.
There are many chapters in my book that deal with the eating disorder I battled for 10 years. But you don't know that looking at me. You only see what is in the now. Not the pain and obsession and starvation that for so many years was my life. And that's okay. You don't need to see everything. But you need to understand that every mark, line, color and gold lining on my cover comes from somewhere.
Every word in my book, has become some part of that cover. Whether it's the chapter dealing with depression or rape or sickness or love or moving to New Zealand, there is some aspect of it on the cover. It may just be the background that taints everything and makes the bright stuff look brighter, or it may just be the feather on the wing of the bird flying in the corner, but it's all there; somewhere.
So while the pages of my book may be awful and intimidating and scary looking and sometimes overbearing, it has made me into something with a beautiful cover. How hate and fear and depression turn into beauty, I don't know. All I know is that it is the grace of our God that has turned ink stains into beauty, and I pray that it never stops. That every little thing that comes my way, and every big thing that comes my way, and every person, just goes to making the picture brighter, more colorful, and more full of our Lord.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
So busy...
It is now 2nd quarter. It's off to a rocky start. I understand that field trip kind of throws us off, but this means that most students have come back and haven't had a chance to practice. This leaves me with a dilemma: do i let them practice or make them suffer through the same thing they've already done? well. some students i let go practice, others i don't trust to practice, so they stay here. Lots of down time i guess. i'm not complaining, lol.
Other than that, it's going to be a busy quarter, and I can see that already. Tonight I have dinner with the vice principal about a retreat this weekend, and then volleyball. tomorrow i have a meeting with the bangalore team, dinner with bryan and then CE. Thursday i have a dept meeting. Friday and Saturday is the TD retreat. Sunday I'm doing the children's message.
next week, I'm not doing anything (except volleyball and CE). I decided.
and the next weekend is long weekend. Karvala here we come. :-) yay beach!
and the next is the CE retreat i think.
and the next is the so-ex presentations.
::sigh::
I wish I had more to say. But I don't really. I'm just realizing how busy life is getting and how it's going to be. I need to prioritize and really make myself stick to it. I can't do everything. I'm not superwoman, even if I want to be.
Off I go to see if kids are practicing. peace!
edit: I just wanted to let you know that I realized at coffee today that next weekend is long weekend... so, a week from tomorrow I am off to the beach... so excited... more tanning for me!!!!
Other than that, it's going to be a busy quarter, and I can see that already. Tonight I have dinner with the vice principal about a retreat this weekend, and then volleyball. tomorrow i have a meeting with the bangalore team, dinner with bryan and then CE. Thursday i have a dept meeting. Friday and Saturday is the TD retreat. Sunday I'm doing the children's message.
next week, I'm not doing anything (except volleyball and CE). I decided.
and the next weekend is long weekend. Karvala here we come. :-) yay beach!
and the next is the CE retreat i think.
and the next is the so-ex presentations.
::sigh::
I wish I had more to say. But I don't really. I'm just realizing how busy life is getting and how it's going to be. I need to prioritize and really make myself stick to it. I can't do everything. I'm not superwoman, even if I want to be.
Off I go to see if kids are practicing. peace!
edit: I just wanted to let you know that I realized at coffee today that next weekend is long weekend... so, a week from tomorrow I am off to the beach... so excited... more tanning for me!!!!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Tan...
I have such a tan right now. It's amazing.
However, I'm also not currently in the best of moods so I'm only here to say that I got back from Bangalore safely.
Sometimes, you just get sick and tired of the same old thing.
Talk to you later.
However, I'm also not currently in the best of moods so I'm only here to say that I got back from Bangalore safely.
Sometimes, you just get sick and tired of the same old thing.
Talk to you later.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Gone for a week...
So, this is my good bye for the week. I'm leaving in a couple hours to go to Bangalore with the students. I just went to the dish to get more medicine, and now I'm doing necessary notifications on the internet.
I feel as if I should be better. I was like death on Thursday. Seriously. But Friday, I felt much better. I spent Saturday in bed most of the day, only going out for a bit that night. And now today, I'm getting pretty close to how I was Thursday. ::sheesh::
I'll be back Saturday morning, and I'll try to update as soon as I can upon my return, but I might be dead in bed by that point, so we'll see. You should call me while I'm there!!! (feel free to, seriously). :-)
I hope you all have a good week and know that you're in my prayers each and every day. ((((hugs))))
I feel as if I should be better. I was like death on Thursday. Seriously. But Friday, I felt much better. I spent Saturday in bed most of the day, only going out for a bit that night. And now today, I'm getting pretty close to how I was Thursday. ::sheesh::
I'll be back Saturday morning, and I'll try to update as soon as I can upon my return, but I might be dead in bed by that point, so we'll see. You should call me while I'm there!!! (feel free to, seriously). :-)
I hope you all have a good week and know that you're in my prayers each and every day. ((((hugs))))
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