Weakness...

His power is made perfect in my weaknesses...

And they are many right now. I am emotionally and physically weak. In the past, I have normally been ill and had the philosophy "suffer in silence" and never really let anyone know until it got too bad for me to handle. When I moved here, I made a concerted effort to be open and honest in my relationships with people, and this includes when I'm not feeling well. When they ask how I am, answering honestly. But, at this point, I'm getting sick and tired of saying "well, I'm still sick, but what can you do?", and I'm fighting this battle within myself. It is NOT better to suffer alone. It is NOT better lie to people around you. It is NOT okay to pretend you are alright when you are not.

It is one thing to get up in the morning and get dressed and put on clothes you don't feel like wearing, and put on a jacket when you want a hoodie, and wear your hair down when you want a bun, so that you can command respect from your students, but when you can't be yourself with your friends, that's a whole different issue. But at this point, I want to be lying to myself, as well. I want to be saying "I'M FANTASTIC! HOW ARE YOU!!!" and running around being ME! I don't want to be sitting here in my office unable to focus because I have a headache and really don't want to go teach another two periods. Of band. ::sigh::

Emotionally, there's a lot going on. Besides my physical illness wearing down on me from all sides, I have other things coming up as well making me just want to scream. I want to crawl into my bed, face into my pillows, and scream the loudest scream ever. And then cry. Just let it out. I've been invited to visit Mike's grave by his mother many times since he passed, but now she is pushing even harder for me to come. It's just hard to deal with. I don't want to deal with it. Not right now.

I need to go plan. My next entry will be happier, I promise. I will will myself to get better, and this time, it will work. It has to. Everyone has to get better at some point, right?