Forever in today

It is always seems to be forever between my posts. I'd apologize, but I've decided they'll just come when they come.

You see, my second year of school has started, and I'm not nearly as organized as I was last year. Not in any way. Instead, I'm trudging through, making sure everything is getting done. I feel as if I'm not the only second year feeling this way. We are no longer the new kids on the block (ha! if only!), nor are we about to graduate. We are in the middle just having to use our determination to make it.

We are not the first to feel this way, and we will not be the last.

Most of our lives are lived in this period actually. I mean, think about the seasons of the year:
There is the beginning of Spring, the end of Spring.
Beginning of Summer, and the end of Summer.
Beginning of Fall, the end of Fall.
And then the beginning of Winter, and the end of Winter.

That is eight special days of the year. Eight beginnings and endings. Out of 365 days of the year. The other 357 are spent either looking forward to the next season or remembering the one that has passed. We live with expectations and rememberings. But more importantly, we live.

We live. We live in the yesterdays and tomorrows.

But forever there are todays. There is only so long that you can look forward to the next season, the next job, the next semester... or remember the last semester, the last vacation, the last school...

At some point, we live in today. The forever of monotony. The drudgery. The mundane.

This is where we live. These days do not have to feel mundane while we are in them, though. These are the days where the most change can be made. The fun is not in expecting things, or remembering things. The fun is in doing things. Do things on these mundane days. Do things on the forevers. Do things in the middle.

Forever lasts a long time. So stop looking forward. Stop looking backward.

Find your forever in today.

Today is worth more than any tomorrow.

Forever.

Why I don't want to grow up

I do not want to grow up. I really don't. I've spent much of my life growing up faster than I should and it was only later than I finally let myself chill out a bit (granted, there is some growing up that you can't undo).

But really, I do not want to grow up. They say growing up is a choice.

This is not to be confused with being responsible. I am responsible. I do my work and I do it well.

But I won't grow up.

You see, as we 'grow up' and become stiff, we forget all the good that is around us. When we are children it is okay to sit in the grass and smell the flowers. Literally. Why should I forget this as my chronological age continues to rise?

Why should I stop imagining all the things that could happen?

Why should I stop laughing with children as they run around an empty field with a hoop and a stick?

Why should I stop pretending to be a superhero when it seems that everything else is going wrong?

Why should I stop dancing when I get good news?

Why should I stop breaking out into song whenever I feel moved to?

Why should I not make stupid jokes and laugh when someone else does?

Why should I forget to put a smile on my face in the mornings?

Why should I stop taking time for relationships?

Why should I put shoes on my feet that make it impossible to run at a moments notice?

Why put shoes on at all?

Do shoes suddenly make someone more respectable?

Is that why we like to think we're better than people on the other side of the world?

Because we have shoes?


I don't want to wear shoes.
I want to feel the ground under my feet,
And give my toes room to roam.

I want to play and laugh,
And sing and dance,
Dangle my toes in ocean foam.

I want to joke and run,
And talk all night,
For no reason at all.

I want to roll the snow,
And throw it hard,
Jump in leaves in fall.

I want to be old and gold,
Not old and mold,
Laughter crushing the room.

In touch with fun,
And each blessing around,
Not suppressing is gloom.

Talk with strangers,
Smile with friends,
And romp with God's creatures.

Watch the birds,
Catch a frog,
Examine their features.

Never forgetting to learn,
Always adventuring,
Each day brand new.

I want to be that one,
Never growing up,
Being one of the few.



"Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God." ~Karl Barth

I want to laugh forever. 

Christianity and Justice

So, let's take a minute and look back at a few weeks ago and the debate over chicken. I still feel strongly about it, but only to the points that I raised in my last post. The point that chicken isn't what matters, but justice is. Our neighbors matter.

I know that by saying "take religion out of the equation," some people were not happy. That's alright. We don't all have to be happy all the time, nor do we have to agree with each other.

Today, I'm bringing religion back into the equation.

Christians and Justice. What does this mean? What does it mean that our founding fathers did not put it in the Constitution that God was "the Creator"? Were the founding fathers not Christian? Were they not believers? Did they have no faith???

NO!

In fact, they were better Christians than most of us today. This group of men came together and realized that at the heart of Christianity was not the belief that people should be punished for not believing in God, but that the world God created was centered on love. LOVE is, essentially, justice. Love in action. The world Christ lived in, and the example he set, was not to beat people who didn't believe in him, or that were different than him. The adultress was not punished, but accepted and stood up for. Christ did not deny her life. In fact, Christ STOPPED people from stoning her.

Are we doing that today?

Is the Christianity that exists in our world today standing up for people whether they are Christian or not? Just because you don't agree with someone's choices or wishes, is that any reason to belittle them? Is it any reason to deny them their life? 

Is the example of Christians (the uber-conservative, picketing Christians) anything to envy? This model lends itself to PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY! I don't care how much of the Bible you know, if, in fact, your actions make people hate you! I'm not saying to go with the flow and compromise your beliefs, but to me, the essential foundation of Christianity is love and welcoming.

Justice is loving and welcoming people that are not just like you. It is recognizing our differences and yet moving forward. It is fighting for the people that are different than you. It is not differentiating. It is not denying rights.

Seriously: Where is the love? Why has love and compassion left our world in favor of hatred and division. As much good as there is in the world, and the good work that is being done, it is negated by the negativity and divisiveness.

This is not okay.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. (John 8:7)

Love your neighbor

There are a lot of blogs I want to write at the moment. But the most pressing is my own opinion (we all seem to have them, don't we) about all the debating going on about chicken, apparently. Honestly, I don't care whether you ate a chicken sandwich yesterday, or whether you will never eat one again (go ahead, judge me how you want for that statement), but I don't.

I, honestly, care more about what you do every other day of the year.

Let's take religion out of the equation. For some of my friends, this is hard to do. For others, you'd rather religion be off the table forever. Whatever your personal beliefs, let's leave them at the door and wipe our feet before we come to the table. No shoes are allowed at this table. No remnants of prior adventures. Today, we all wear new clothes of white and come unmarked to the table. The table - the ultimate symbol of serving and being served; a place of welcome.

All are welcome at my table.

Let's go back to 1776, to the founding fathers, who also sat at a table, and who drafted our Declaration of Independence. They, too, wanted to leave religion off the table (please don't try to argue this point, their words were chosen very carefully just because they knew the debates we are having today were going to come). The declaration (2.1) says:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

 "Their Creator." Not God, not Jesus, not Mohammed, not Allah, not Shiva. Just "their Creator." So whatever, or whoever, created us, we (ALL) are created equal. All of us. Every single one of us. Even if you believe in the big bang, what does that mean for the created (in this case, created by biological systems) embryo in a womb? The same thing that created your life, created that life. Just a thought. 

But not only are we equal, but we have the right to life. All of us have the right to life. That means the children, the poor, the rich, the straight, the gay, the tall, the short, the disabled, the sick, the homeless... I could go on. We all have the right to life. This means that no matter your religious belief, you have no right to take away someone's life in this country. NO REASON. 

We are all endowed with liberty. What did our founding fathers mean by this? This means that you have your free will. You can live your life as you choose. To some, this refers to the social contract of life: How do you view your life within the society where you live? We make our choices and live within our communities. Your choices come with the weight of responsibility for those actions on your shoulders. Not on whatever person gave you your beliefs, not on the god you chose to believe in. No: the weight of the decisions you make land on your shoulders. Personal responsibility: something we are losing more and more in our world today. 

And we are all endowed with the pursuit of happiness. It seems like many people are too wrapped up in trying to live the life we are endowed with to pursue happiness. And that is unfortunate. But again, this gets down to the fact that we are ALL endowed with the right of the pursuit of happiness. All of us. Even the people you don't like. All of us. 

And all of this is just from our Declaration of Independence. How does the Constitution begin?

"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

 Wow. They establish Justice. Is that what you are doing with your time? Are you seeking out justice for your fellow American? By beating up, or ignoring the plight of your neighbor are you helping to insure domestic Tranquility? It says we are going to provide for the common defence. This means defence for everyone. Our troops do not fight for special interest groups, they fight for every person on American soil, and every American overseas. Just sayin'. General Welfare again refers to everyone. Every person. And the Blessings of Liberty are to the founders, their generation, and ALL their children later. ALL of them. Not just some of them. With this document, no American is to be disowned by their country, or denied its rights. No matter what. 


So, what were you doing today, and what will you do tomorrow, that upholds what our country was built upon? Are you making decisions that are allowing your neighbor, your fellow American (your fellow person!) to their inalienable rights? Are you allowing them their life, liberty and pursuit of happiness? Are you allowing them Justice, Tranquility, defence, general Welfare, and the Blessings of Liberty? Are you, today, being a good American, a good person? 


Even Jesus said "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." In this case, aren't they the same thing?

Love your neighbor. 

I mean, is it really that difficult to love the people around you?

Hate accomplishes nothing. Apathy accomplishes nothing. But love, well, love conquers all.

The Moral Pastor... and what does that mean?

I went on vacation last week. It was fantastic and much needed in my life, and made me very happy. I didn't do anything particularly exciting, but there are definitely good stories from the trip...

However, one of things that is sitting with me is a conversation I got into one evening:
What is the moral role of the pastor?

This was not a discussion with someone in the ministry, or someone going into the ministry... just a regular person who attends church on occasion.

I learned a lesson about 5 years ago: Pastor's are people, too. They make mistakes, they live lives, they are not perfect. I *loved* learning this. It was freeing.

But the discussion I had was centered on the idea that the pastor should be an example (which I agree with), but to the point that they aren't people, too. I feel that the idea of the perfect person is one of the things that increases burn out rates in pastors. With such high expectations, how is the pastor supposed to LIVE? Does the pastor pretend to be perfect and not admit flaws in order to be a good example, or is being a good example living with it all and living in true community?

Where is the pastor in the church community? The ideal to live up to, but not to be included? In order to model community, isn't authenticity necessary? Does a moral pastor living authentically in community mean the pastor literally has to have all their crap together before stepping into the pulpit, with no flaws left?

How is that fair?

What do you think? What is the moral role of the pastor and how does that fit into the necessity of a pastor to have a life and be a person that struggles? What is too big for a pastor and what isn't? What is a sin, and what isn't?

For example:
Can a pastor drink? Is that a moral issue? Does it depend on the community?
Smoke? Is it a sin or just not a good idea for a pastor to do that?
Does being a spiritual leader mean they must also be healthy, because that is a good example?
Where does "being a good example" stop?

Goodbyes are never easy...

I've said a lot of goodbyes in my life. I've said a lot of hellos, as well.

But I realized something: Goodbyes never get easier. 

And I don't know why, for me, they seem to be getting harder. You'd think I'd get better at them the more of them I give, but I think I've learned some lessons over the years.

I've learned...
1) some goodbyes are going to be forever.
2) it's not just the big goodbyes that matter.
3) you don't know when it's forever.
4) each person deserves to know what they mean to you.

I've gotten much more emotional over the last four years. And maybe it's because of the goodbyes that I wasn't able to say.

See, last year, as I drove myself up north, back to the town of my birth, I saw the sign that announced I was back in my hometown, and I started to cry. Thinking about it now makes me cry. Part of it is because the last time I had left that town (in 2009) was the last time I had seen my grandmother alive. I was coming back to a town that was forever changed from what I knew. I had never even been able to say goodbye. It hurt to drive in knowing that it would never be the same. Not like that.

I spent the summer hanging out with my family. My aunt and uncle, cousins, second cousins, my sister and her kids, my other sister and her kids, my brother, my dad, my other aunts and uncles... in and out of homes and living the life. I left at the end of the summer broken-hearted that I wouldn't be there for the foreseeable future. Going back this weekend makes me insanely happy.

All these goodbyes in my life have made the hellos so much sweeter; no matter if they are new or old.

Hellos are definitely my favorite, but I will relish every goodbye. Goodbyes mark chapters in our lives, periods of significance. Goodbyes are probably one of the most important things we say, because they let us know our lives are changing and moving. They are the rocks in our rivers, causing rapids that help keep us moving and make it interesting.

Enjoy the rapids.

Stagnant

Let's get real for a minute...

When I first arrived back stateside (almost 13 months ago), I understood exactly why people need furloughs. I was burnt out on certain things and needed to be refreshed. I wanted to hear only English for a while, and I wanted to eat all the food I'd been missing. I wanted a chance to do nothing but rest and catch up.

I knew I was about to enter a time of learning, a new season. My brain would be expanding, and, hopefully, my heart would, too. I was ready to be in this time, and I knew it was a necessary time for me. I knew it was my next step (that didn't make it any easier, but at least I knew it was right). So, I rested, and then I set out on my Divinity School journey.

It has been a great journey. Not always easy, but great, and so worth the time, effort, and money. I have a great community around me. I hope I am an important part of my community. I have a great church community around me that I feel more attached to than ever. I've made amazing new friends, and some of them have become more like family to me than I could have imagined at the beginning of this year.

This summer, as I sit here on my couch (and yes, procrastinating something else I should be doing), I realize that a few hours ago I voiced a concern that I hadn't noticed until that moment:

I feel stagnant. 

I feel like I'm not moving right now. I'm sitting here doing what I'm supposed to do. I am staying busy even though I am not working. There are things in my life that give me great joy. Things I enjoy doing immensely. And yet, I feel like there's supposed to be something more. I feel like my time of resting is over. I'm ready to pour out myself again. I've been fed. I've been taught. I'm ready to be used again. My vessel is overflowing, and I want to do.

Over the last month I have done a lot of things that have made me feel right. Those moments that are work, but are so easy that they can't be otherwise.

So I wonder, what's next? 

Where do I go from this very spot? What is the step forward? What is the right step forward? What am I looking for? Is there somewhere that is looking for what I have to offer? What is it that I have to offer?

I don't have the answers, but this is where I am right now. Feeling like the next step needs to be soon, but not pushing it, either. I don't want to jump too soon at something that isn't right. I don't know that I necessarily want to go back to being a 'boss' or in a supervisory role of some sort, but I think I'm ready to do something meaningful again. Not stuffing envelopes. Not simply answering phones. Something real. The menial things are part of nearly every job, but I don't want my job title to be "pencil sharpener."

I'm ready to travel. And part of it is my literal stagnation. Other than 2 trips up north (one last summer, and one in January), I have not been anywhere since my return. I'm itching to literally move. I need to go somewhere. It does not help that my heart is aching to be overseas again. And that others want me there, as well. I have been still more this year than I have been in years. I think I haven't been in one place for an entire year since the calendar year of 2006. That is a long time ago.

I need to do something. These two things together make me really restless.

It could also be that I've already had nearly two months of summer vacation.

I feel like the seasons are ready to change. It's as if I can feel the humidity in my life waiting for the bottom to drop out and let the flowers grow.

The seeds have rested in the soil. It is time to break through the shell. So where will my flowers be?