Let's get real for a minute...
When I first arrived back stateside (almost 13 months ago), I understood exactly why people need furloughs. I was burnt out on certain things and needed to be refreshed. I wanted to hear only English for a while, and I wanted to eat all the food I'd been missing. I wanted a chance to do nothing but rest and catch up.
I knew I was about to enter a time of learning, a new season. My brain would be expanding, and, hopefully, my heart would, too. I was ready to be in this time, and I knew it was a necessary time for me. I knew it was my next step (that didn't make it any easier, but at least I knew it was right). So, I rested, and then I set out on my Divinity School journey.
It has been a great journey. Not always easy, but great, and so worth the time, effort, and money. I have a great community around me. I hope I am an important part of my community. I have a great church community around me that I feel more attached to than ever. I've made amazing new friends, and some of them have become more like family to me than I could have imagined at the beginning of this year.
This summer, as I sit here on my couch (and yes, procrastinating something else I should be doing), I realize that a few hours ago I voiced a concern that I hadn't noticed until that moment:
I feel stagnant.
I feel like I'm not moving right now. I'm sitting here doing what I'm supposed to do. I am staying busy even though I am not working. There are things in my life that give me great joy. Things I enjoy doing immensely. And yet, I feel like there's supposed to be something more. I feel like my time of resting is over. I'm ready to pour out myself again. I've been fed. I've been taught. I'm ready to be used again. My vessel is overflowing, and I want to do.
Over the last month I have done a lot of things that have made me feel right. Those moments that are work, but are so easy that they can't be otherwise.
So I wonder, what's next?
Where do I go from this very spot? What is the step forward? What is the right step forward? What am I looking for? Is there somewhere that is looking for what I have to offer? What is it that I have to offer?
I don't have the answers, but this is where I am right now. Feeling like the next step needs to be soon, but not pushing it, either. I don't want to jump too soon at something that isn't right. I don't know that I necessarily want to go back to being a 'boss' or in a supervisory role of some sort, but I think I'm ready to do something meaningful again. Not stuffing envelopes. Not simply answering phones. Something real. The menial things are part of nearly every job, but I don't want my job title to be "pencil sharpener."
I'm ready to travel. And part of it is my literal stagnation. Other than 2 trips up north (one last summer, and one in January), I have not been anywhere since my return. I'm itching to literally move. I need to go somewhere. It does not help that my heart is aching to be overseas again. And that others want me there, as well. I have been still more this year than I have been in years. I think I haven't been in one place for an entire year since the calendar year of 2006. That is a long time ago.
I need to do something. These two things together make me really restless.
It could also be that I've already had nearly two months of summer vacation.
I feel like the seasons are ready to change. It's as if I can feel the humidity in my life waiting for the bottom to drop out and let the flowers grow.
The seeds have rested in the soil. It is time to break through the shell. So where will my flowers be?
When I first arrived back stateside (almost 13 months ago), I understood exactly why people need furloughs. I was burnt out on certain things and needed to be refreshed. I wanted to hear only English for a while, and I wanted to eat all the food I'd been missing. I wanted a chance to do nothing but rest and catch up.
I knew I was about to enter a time of learning, a new season. My brain would be expanding, and, hopefully, my heart would, too. I was ready to be in this time, and I knew it was a necessary time for me. I knew it was my next step (that didn't make it any easier, but at least I knew it was right). So, I rested, and then I set out on my Divinity School journey.
It has been a great journey. Not always easy, but great, and so worth the time, effort, and money. I have a great community around me. I hope I am an important part of my community. I have a great church community around me that I feel more attached to than ever. I've made amazing new friends, and some of them have become more like family to me than I could have imagined at the beginning of this year.
This summer, as I sit here on my couch (and yes, procrastinating something else I should be doing), I realize that a few hours ago I voiced a concern that I hadn't noticed until that moment:
I feel stagnant.
I feel like I'm not moving right now. I'm sitting here doing what I'm supposed to do. I am staying busy even though I am not working. There are things in my life that give me great joy. Things I enjoy doing immensely. And yet, I feel like there's supposed to be something more. I feel like my time of resting is over. I'm ready to pour out myself again. I've been fed. I've been taught. I'm ready to be used again. My vessel is overflowing, and I want to do.
Over the last month I have done a lot of things that have made me feel right. Those moments that are work, but are so easy that they can't be otherwise.
So I wonder, what's next?
Where do I go from this very spot? What is the step forward? What is the right step forward? What am I looking for? Is there somewhere that is looking for what I have to offer? What is it that I have to offer?
I don't have the answers, but this is where I am right now. Feeling like the next step needs to be soon, but not pushing it, either. I don't want to jump too soon at something that isn't right. I don't know that I necessarily want to go back to being a 'boss' or in a supervisory role of some sort, but I think I'm ready to do something meaningful again. Not stuffing envelopes. Not simply answering phones. Something real. The menial things are part of nearly every job, but I don't want my job title to be "pencil sharpener."
I'm ready to travel. And part of it is my literal stagnation. Other than 2 trips up north (one last summer, and one in January), I have not been anywhere since my return. I'm itching to literally move. I need to go somewhere. It does not help that my heart is aching to be overseas again. And that others want me there, as well. I have been still more this year than I have been in years. I think I haven't been in one place for an entire year since the calendar year of 2006. That is a long time ago.
I need to do something. These two things together make me really restless.
It could also be that I've already had nearly two months of summer vacation.
I feel like the seasons are ready to change. It's as if I can feel the humidity in my life waiting for the bottom to drop out and let the flowers grow.
The seeds have rested in the soil. It is time to break through the shell. So where will my flowers be?
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