Jesus loves me, this I know!

Being reminded constantly that God loves me and cares for me even when I don't feel it. Reminders that come as little things.

I've not been myself recently. I'm working through things in my head and dealing with issues that [I thought] were long gone.

But it's like surgery, when you already have one scar, you have to dig a little deeper, and it hurts a little more than before, but in the end, you heal better. I am struggling while letting God rip me open again. It's a part of life to process and come out the other side. We are not made stronger in the quiet times, but in the rough times.

In this time, I am reminded of 2 Corinthians Chapter 1. A friend read a portion to me last night, and I know it's true. It is my prayer. That the comfort I find in my troubles can be used for His glory and help someone else. Even if I can't see it right now, my life matters. What I say matters. What I do matters. I am just one person. But one person can do a lot for another person.

I am trying to take off the mask.

This is me. And right now, I could use your prayers as God rips open my heart once again and is trying to teach me more about myself and more about Him.

He loves me. Scars and all.

Diffuse...

I haven't written in a while. I gather that is because my thoughts have been rather diffuse lately and I've been significantly busy. My Mondays have turned into 14 hour work days, and my other days are normally about 9 hours of work. Today is my first day off in a while, and I'm sitting at home relaxing. I've been ill for a bit this week, but I have some great friends that took me in and really helped me get through my rut. They make my life complete.

I have found, this semester, that with the new Bible study having started, I am growing closer to some staff that I didn't really know before. I really, really enjoy studying the Word with them. It is quickly becoming the highlight of my week along with time I get to spend with the S*'s. It really makes me thankful. I am learning about myself and different things as I move through this illness, and I'm glad God is giving me the opportunity to learn.

I am so thankful for genuine relationships. Deeper relationships that move beyond passing greetings. It truly makes me smile to think of the people I am growing closer to.

My job is going well. I am slowly getting things done and am so thankful for my department secretary who is so good at her job and is amazing. I have interviewed some really awesome people in the last few months and I am happy to say that we are on track for a full staff next year of amazing people! I am thankful for some of the changes I see happening among the school community as a whole... And maybe it is just relationships I am building that are giving me a chance to see them, but I am truly in awe of some of the things I see. There is a lot of work to be done, but it's good to see things happening.

Slowly, slowly; little by little. Things are getting done...

Only 14 weeks left until summer... I'm trying to get ideas for the summer, but don't really know what to do. I guess we'll see what ends up happening.

<3

People Forget...

One of the things you learn when you live overseas is that people forget. They aren't doing it intentionally, but it happens. Out of sight, out of mind.

This December, I got to hang out with someone who had only been here about 2 months, and we had and talked about this. It becomes more apparent to you when you are the one overseas... When you realize you are suddenly getting less e-mails, fewer letters, fewer people commenting on facebook, etc, it becomes apparent: You've been forgotten. Sure, when the birthday reminder pops up, or facebook reminds your friends to "stay in touch", you'll hear something. But otherwise, not so much. Sometimes, this can be a pain.

But it's the same in reverse sometimes. We try so hard to remain connected to the people at home. We keep looking at pictures of friends, reading statuses, watching blogs, all desperate attempts to remain connected to a culture we have left. And little by little it gets harder to remain in touch. The longer you are overseas, the more you feel detached from everything at 'home'. You are no longer on the front lines of new movies, new foods, new trends, or even new people that have merged into your group of friends.

We don't forget as easily, but it does become difficult to keep things going. Lives differ in BIG ways.

But every once in a while you get a reminder that people do remember. They remember who you are. They remember what you are doing and why you left them. That it wasn't easy, but it's for something (someONE) higher.

I had that reminder today. I got home and checked my e-mail and found out that my home church took up a collection for me. I didn't ask for money, but I certainly know that it is appreciated and am so thankful for it. I hate that I can't be there with them. That between having two churches at home, I am never anywhere for very long, but that they still love me. I would rather be there with them right now.

I say sometimes that I'm fine not going home this summer. There are plenty of things I can do on this side of the world that are much cheaper, but my heart does long to see everyone again. I am putting my faith in God that what is meant to happen will happen. If I am meant to go home, the funds will be raised and the tickets will be bought. And if not, I'll head up north to the mountains and learn some languages for a while, and maybe visit other friends near the border.

There are options, and I know He'll do whatever He wants for me.

I thank God everyday for my friends at home.

I love you and miss you all.

<3

From the 2000's

The last 10 years…
The first ten years of the millennium have been ten years of massive change in my life. Ten years ago I was in middle school and preparing to go on my first overseas trip: to six countries in western Europe! I am very blessed to have the life I have today and it would not be like this but for everything that has happened. These are the top (fun and life changing) things that have happened in the 00’s.

10) June – July 2000 – I travelled to Western Europe with the People2People program (England, France, Germany, Switzerland, Belgium and Holland). It was when I first realized how much I like travelling and started a new obsession.

9) May 2004 – I graduated from high school as a Teaching Fellow and the recipient of the Sempre Fidelis Award in Music. This is a day that probably should have never happened based on the life I was leading at the time, but I am thankful that it did.

8) April 20, 2008 – My 22nd birthday and the day that a good friend proposed to me. He had been a friend to me since I was eight and was perfect. It was a quiet thing, without many people knowing, but it was totally right. Eventually, we might have even told my parents. ;-)

7) July 2008 – Moving to South Asia. I am really thankful for the opportunities here and the people I am meeting and getting to spend time with. There are spectacular sites, and spectacular people. It makes for a truly eye-opening experience.

6) October 2009 – Due to an unforeseen series of events, I became the head of the music department at my school. During this time, I was very stressed out at points, and going nuts, but managed to get through the RSM exams and then all the way to the end of the semester (with our dept secretary missing for a month of that!). And now, here I am, starting my first semester as HoD, and praying that I am able to fulfill my duties in a responsible way that allows the students to succeed and everyone to not go crazy.

5) May 20, 2008 – The day Michael passed away. It was an awful day. And while it was truly awful, it was another one of those ‘defining’ days in my life. When you realize that not everything will go as you plan it and God has other things in store.

4) Going on a Crossroads trip to this amazing country in which I now live in December 2007. During that trip, I learned a lot. I realized that this is where I am supposed to be. This trip is what influenced me to find a job and move here. And I’m so glad I did.

3) Living in New Zealand – Almost every day of this experience was amazing. My #1 on this list being one of them. From celebrating my 21st birthday on a street corner in Sydney, Australia, to sitting around with my flatmates in NZ, to eating banana pancakes with some more American friends, it completely changed my life and made me a new person. I saw so much of God’s beauty in that country. I am thankful for every single person I met, and every single thing I did during this time.

2) May 16, 2008 – I graduated from college. There were times that I did not know if the day would ever come. And times that I was POSITIVE it would never happen. But it did, and I am so thankful for that.

1) March 8, 2007 – Pastor Steve preached on forgiveness and I realized that forgiveness is what was holding me back. I forgave the person that hurt me most in my life and my life has not been the same since then. I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulders that night.

Hardest beginnings...

I've been back for just over a week. I enjoyed the first few days, a lot. It was really quiet and I enjoyed being here without all the commotion. The restlessness is slowly coming back to the town, and I've found myself recently feeling very down about the beginning of the year. Why, you ask? Well, there are a lot of people leaving at the end of the semester. And a lot of other things are changing over here and throughout the year. There are so many good things to look forward to, and yet, knowing that some people won't be here at the beginning of the next year makes me sad. I know it's the best for those involved, but still makes me sad.

I'm just in this place where I don't want to see people go. I have grown a lot and in different ways here, and it makes it harder to know that people are going. I will miss them. They are part of what makes this town 'home'. It makes all the difference for me knowing they are here. Ugh. I can't really explain everything I'm feeling.

Hmm... Not much else I can say. Too much going on.

My 2009 Lists

These are my lists for 2009. I will probably do a top 10 list of the 00's, but I haven't had much time to think about that far back yet. Maybe in a few days. Meetings start tomorrow so now I get busy... :-) Love to all out there in the internet!

Top 10 of 2009:
10) Getting to spend some good time with my grandmother
9) Sending my brother go to boot camp
8) Finding out my father was in remission
7) Meeting my 4th niece – Candis
6) Becoming HoD – and knowing there were people that supported that decision
5) Spending December with some awesome people
4) Getting to share with my church families about the work going on in SE Asia
3) Getting into grad school (let alone all three that I applied to!)
2) Getting to see Sky Day and spend time with him
1) Sharing my testimony at my home-town church and knowing they already knew me and loved me

Top Lessons Learned in 2009:
10) You can be SE Asian even if you’re white. ;-)
9) Family is important, no matter where everyone is.
8) People WILL forget about you, it’s part of life
7) The road is not always easy, but when you get to the top of a mountain, the view is GORGEOUS.
6) You can’t help someone else until you’re able to help yourself.
5) Some people are petty. And they will always be there, but there are bigger things that matter.
4) God will reveal His plans in His time, not ours. Take each step as it comes because until you take that first step, the second one won’t be apparent.
3) When you work for God, it doesn’t matter what other people think.
2) When God has a plan, it WILL work out
1) Knowing you can’t be there to fix everything, but knowing that God has it in control

He is faithful...

Last night (my time) I spent about an hour on the phone with the people who hold my loans from college. Being here makes it hard, no, impossible, to make payments on my loans, so I had to make sure my deferment went through. I've been sending the paperwork in multiple mediums over the last 2 months trying to get it in on time. Everything had been going wrong. I was so frustrated. Forms were being censored on their way out and would arrive with pages missing. Mail that normally takes two weeks wasn't arriving after five. I was SO frustrated.

So I spent a long time on the phone last night. And I was getting angry and trying not to take it out on the woman on the phone. Eventually, she granted me a forbearance until I could make sure the forms got there for sure. I was so relieved. So this morning, I got up and decided to check my account profile to see that the forbearance had posted. And, instead, I was granted the deferment. ::sigh:: Another year to save up so I can start making payments until I get back.

This is my last entry for about a month. So don't feel bad if you don't hear from me. I'll be staying with some friends for the holidays and will not be around the internet but to check e-mail once in a while.

I wish you all the best month and hope you all enjoy it and get to spend it with family. I miss you all and can't wait until we can spend this time together again.

<3