Tortured

I've had a couple of really tortured nights this week. I haven't been able to sleep. Things have been popping into my head that shouldn't be. And, especially last night, the sight of one of our students laying hurt and bleeding on our covered courts was forever engrained. I know that sight will never leave, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with it.

I got home this evening after making an effort to be out with friends despite how I was feeling. All day I've felt the sickness taking over my body. I haven't really been able to eat for the last few days, and the fever has been slowly rising, with the aches and tiredness. I've felt completely worn down. Emotionally and physically. I went outside because I could feel myself burning up. I sat on my stoop and looked at the Lutheran Church that is next door. There is a pane glass window directly in front of the stoop, and on it is a person above a cross with his eyes covered with his hands. I spent a good deal of time sitting there and praying.

I prayed that God would relieve the sights that I see when I close my eyes. That He would allow me a night's sleep. That He would heal what this is that is taking over my body. But most of all, that I would learn something from all of it. Last night is the first time I have cried about that student. Up until now it's been work. When the accident happened, I jumped in and got to work. I kept the students away. Backed up the line of control. Kept people calm. "Crisis mode" it's called. And I've pretty much been in it all week. But now it's time to feel. And that's not always so easy.

I'm very thankful that there's really only a week left of school. So very thankful. In two weeks I'll be with my friends. It's official. I picked up my tickets today. All semester, we wait until the break. Then the break happens and we're counting down for school to begin. And the cycle starts over. We're always counting down. I need to be better about staying in the moment.

There's another entry brewing in my mind, but that will have to wait until tomorrow or Friday. "I"?