Mountains...

As I was driving from Madurai back to my pleasant hill station, I found that I often get excited when I see the first glimpse of the Palanis. And as you drive, you drive towards them, beside them, away from them, and eventually, up them.

This time, on the way back, I was still excited, but I got thinking. Each mountain gets taller and taller the farther you drive. By the time you get to the ghat, you are travelling up what I consider to be one of the tallest in the area. I live at the top. There is not much more above me (except clouds), and that is interesting to me. I litterally jumped to the top of the hill. Forget training with smaller mountains, or going through any sort of preparation, I just jumped to here. I skipped what would normally happen. I'm just that sort of person, apparently.

That really makes no sense... I'll have to come back and make it better some time...

This time last year, I was still getting used to crossing the street in India. I was unsure of myself and my way, and how to get things done. This year, it is so much different. I'm back, and I walk in between two lanes of traffic on the road. I'm not scared to cross the road, nor am I timid about asking questions of people in the shops where I go.

However, in the past year I've learned something about myself. Something that my aunt and I have in common. If you expect me to be somewhere (not like, professionally related, but socially), and you put pressure on me to do that or be there, I will probably balk. Invite me, sure. Tell me about something. But don't pressure me. The more you pressure me, the more I don't want to be there or do what you are doing. I understand your meaning behind it, but it does not work that way with me. I feel like it finds its origins in my past. I used to use certain bad habits as my way of controlling my world and my emotions. It was always easier for me to say "no" to food when someone was pressuring me to eat or shoving it at me. If you were forcing me, it was out of my control, and I didn't like that. So, in a way, this is still out of my control when you are trying to force me to go somewhere, and so I balk. I don't really like it sometimes, but it's what I do. There are times when I'll make myself go anyway, but normally, there is some better use of my time anyway.

I don't know. It's just weird. I'm back for a second year, and had a great time while I was home and I'm missing people more than I ever thought I could. I'm anxious to get my future sorted out while still trying to be present in the moment.

I'm reading a new book now, and I'm excited about this one. I'll tell you more about it later, but I can already tell it's a book that I will highly recommend to other people. I've also got books that I need to buy that a friend has recommended for me.

::sigh::

I love you all.