Discernment

This is a blog asking for prayer. Please join me in praying for discernment about the present and the future.

I spent some time today in my church's sanctuary. Crying and praying. As I think I said in my last entry, it is MUCH harder to leave the second time. But I spent a lot of time in prayer for particular people in that church, who are either going through some rough times, have meant a lot to me, or were just laying on my heart for various reasons. I prayed for the church as a whole, and as individual people. And for programs and events they have coming up. Just taking some time to thank God for everything He has given me here at home to come back to. And of course, asking for strength to get through the transition back to India.

And then of course, I spent some time talking to pastor. And it was a good chat. Which got me to doing some thinking on my way home.

In the Catholic church, the term "father" is used for the priests. Normally, it is just a formality and people say it for that reason, but it means more than that. As a priest in that denomination, you are the "father" of the people in your congregation, serving more than just the purpose of priest. Now, I don't know the exact philosophical or theological history of why that word is used, but I think it might be interesting to find out, but on a personal level, it means a lot to me.

On the home front, it's never been quite easy for me, for various reasons. I know that, I've come to terms with it, and for the most part, I take care of myself to make it function, rather than let it pull me down. But because of that, my pastors have always meant more to me. They have taken the place of certain biological members of my family that weren't necessarily what they needed to be to me. My first pastor was my pastor for the first 11 years of my life. He moved to a different church around the time we moved to NC, and I haven't seen him since, but he still holds a huge piece of my heart, and I miss him a lot. We moved to NC, and for the first little while, it was a little bit hectic here on the church front, but eventually it settled down, and there were two pastors, and they both mean so much to me. I hope they read this so they can understand what they mean to me, but you never know with the internet. Both of them have helped me in more ways than they can even believe. Without knowing it, taking on roles that every child needs in their life, but, in current times, seem to rarely get.

Of course, there have been other people that have meant the world to me as well. Creating what I consider my home. Kyle Matthews, in one of his songs says "My heart knows where home is," and it's true. When I see these people, I feel at home like I do with no-one else. (I'll leave out last names so you don't know them!!! HAHA!), they are Darlene and Earl, and Sky and Ernestine, and then Mike and Patty. Three amazing couples and families that have meant so much to me in my life in NC. They are always on my mind and in my prayers. Coming back to NC was made complete when I walked into our church for early service and the first people I saw were Darlene and Earl. That meant I was home. My heart was where it needed to be.

It truly is hard to go back this time. And I pray that I'm doing the right thing in going back. That I'm doing the right thing applying for seminary. God told me I was going to seminary about this time last year, and I've spent a lot of time praying about this and trying to find Him and His will. As I've told many people before, He knows I like to have the whole picture, so He teaches me and makes me trust by showing me piece by piece. I often have to step back and abate my jealousy when I meet people to whome He has shown a grand picture and then works with them to get there.

But I don't know my final destination. I don't know where anything is leading. And sometimes, that is very hard for me. But, if anything, it grows my faith even more. I forget who used this illustration, or where I read it, but it said that with every step the board on the bridge comes to your foot. It does not show up before you take the step, but only after your foot is coming down to the air.

So here I go, building a bridge one faithful step at a time. Pray with me as God leads me and slowly shows me where He wants me.

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