Frustration

I have found myself more than a little frustrated in the last couple weeks. Perhaps that is why I haven't written, but I'm not convinced. All I know is that this frustration has manifested itself in me and I don't like it.

You see, for a bit over a year I've been trying to get my health back to where I am at least comfortable, and it seems that every time I see the sun rising something else gets in the way and keeps me from seeing the light. Like a few days ago... I'd been doing alright and was even allowed the opportunity to go out of town for the weekend and go kayaking on the river. I was ecstatic at the chance to finally do something. But by Wednesday I was realizing how tired I was and noticed some things that were not quite right. I called the doctor and we made a plan to address it. Thankfully, it was nothing too serious, but even now it is still unexplained. We don't know why things changed so suddenly other than the fact that maybe I was just too tired and my body couldn't keep up...

You see, I have to be so careful with everything I do right now. Literally everything. And it wears on you. But I do it.

In the meantime, I try to make plans for the future, whether that is a job, a trip, a move... but always in the back of my head is the fact that anything can change at any time for any (or no) reason. And that's much harder to live with, I think, than anything else.

Maybe my frustration is at the fact that my landlord has decided to sell the place where I live at the most inopportune moment ever. I mean, during finals, right before a trip to see my family... really?! It was one thing to entertain moving when it was purely by choice, but it's another when there's a deadline and an absolute surety.

Maybe my frustration is stemming out of the fact that I feel called to do so much more than I'm doing. It may seem like I work a lot right now (some days it can definitely seem that way), but in all honestly, I've been working less in these last two years since being home than I have at any point since graduating high school. I'm used to doing things, and I enjoy working. I enjoy having tasks, having challenges in front of me to figure out, and to come up with new ideas. I enjoy these things. And that is not even a little bit of a joke.

Maybe my frustration stems out of my own critical nature. I have a problem when it comes to expectations. I expect people to rise to the occasion and get the job done. Perhaps that comes from my upbringing. I can't be more thankful for being taught the lesson, "Every time you get bucked off and get back on makes you a better rider" literally. I can count on one hand how many times I was bucked off, and you better believe every time I got right back on. Fear was not allowed. The phrase "cowgirl/boy up" was lived out in my upbringing. Challenges were welcomed and overcome. Every day of my young life was spent working with animals much bigger than me, forging that relationship, and respecting their power. There was so much I was taught, but I'm thinking that is for another entry...

Let's just say that frustration has been running rampant... and this frustration has seeped through the cracks into many areas of my life. There is one thing in particular that irks me more than any other, but I am trying to be more intentional about setting boundaries and making it more clear to myself so that I can move on from it.

Also frustrating is that my only three final papers are all due on the same day (Monday, the 6th). Thus, this weekend is being spent working.
- One is finished and just needs to be proofread before submitting it.
- One is 3/4ths finished and just needs some more interaction with the texts
- The last is in process but needs a bit of work before I can even begin to make sense of it.

So that's my life right now. Not a happy-go-lucky existence, but a season like other seasons that must be lived through before the next one comes.

Time to get back on the horse once again.

Identity in the wilderness

I've been thinking a lot lately about the wilderness. The wilderness exists multiple times in the Bible, but we always associate it with Moses and the Israelites. This is the biggest wilderness, it seems: forty years of wilderness and wandering. Forty long years.

I can't really blame the Israelites for grumbling. At least in Egypt they knew who they were: they were slaves, and they had a job to do. It sucked, and the Egyptians weren't easy on them, but they knew who and what they were and didn't lose their God-given identity as the people of God.

And on the other side, they had the Promised Land where they lived out their identity for centuries. They knew who they were and that God was on their side. They knew that God would protect them and searched out God when they felt alone. They knew where they strength lay. David's psalms reveal that quite plainly. Today we often look back at the psalms to find the words when we can't form them ourselves. We use them the words of Israel to guide us through our painful times, our joyful times, and to guide our times of worship. The community of Israel formed our own views of God, and continues to help us day after day.

It was when they were in the desert that they grumbled continuously. God had to show them mystical signs for them to believe: manna on the ground, a pillar of fire, a parting of the sea. Repeatedly, they doubted. They searched for other gods. They sought out idols. They did things they probably wouldn't normally do.

They were lost, physically and spiritually, in the wilderness.

And yet, somehow, they eventually did get to the Promised Land. They eventually crossed over and lived out their lives. But not before a generation died out. They just had to get through the wilderness, learn from their experiences, and at some point, realize that God was enough.

And I wonder sometimes if the Israelites that didn't make the journey had a discussion with God at some point and asked why they weren't able to complete the journey. Still sitting in the presence of God and doubting, questioning... continuing to grumble.

I wonder about this because we all grumble. We all go through times when we are lost in the wilderness, too. Where we wonder what our identity is. We wonder what our purpose is. If we are in the desert, what are we supposed to do? So we search. We try to find other gods. We make up ways to fulfill our desires. Melt down parts of ourselves and create idols.

Why is it so hard to just rest in our identity in God, as a child of God, the Beloved of God? Why do we continue to doubt? Why do we try to store up the manna that is provided? Where is our faith that God is not good enough when we're lost?

Even when everything seems like we're lost, we still have an identity in God.

We may have no other identity. We may be a nationless people, wandering aimlessly. We may not have a home, a family, our creature comforts... we might not have much of anything. But God is everywhere. We cannot wander where God is not.

God is wherever you are. God is before you, behind, and alongside. Above, below. All encompassing.

And you are a child of God. I am a child of God.

We get lost, but God is there.

God is here.

We always have at least that identity.

Bumble bees

There are limits in life. Walls put up that you can't pass. Fences you can't climb. Altitudes you can't climb higher than. Windows that just won't break, and you are left to stare through at the world outside.

But then there is the bumble bee:

"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it, so it goes on flying anyway." -Mary Kay Ash

I'm a bumble bee. I push forward when I shouldn't. I keep walking when it's impossible. I take brick by brick out of the wall so that it comes tumbling down and I can finally get to the other side. It's a tedious task, and in no way immediate. The wall can take weeks and months to tear down, but it comes down. You just have to keep going.

But where is the bee flying to? What if the flower isn't actually a flower? What if it turns out to be a venus fly trap? What if on the other side of the wall it isn't a greener field or a beautiful view, but a wasteland? What happens when the expectation just isn't met?

Well, it's the journey that matters.

The view on the way to that flower has to be amazing. Gazing down at the world; the colors, smells, sounds, movements, and action. To be that bee and fly over it all, no matter the ending has to be amazing. To meet people while tearing down the wall; to sit and chat together; to work together; to just 'be'.

It's the journey.

I'll keep on flying, but I've got to say that this journey is grand. Life is one grand adventure, and the minute you lose sight of that, is the minute it all becomes mundane.

Rules are only rules because 'most' people fit into them. There are always exceptions; like the bumble bee.

What flower is next on this grand journey?

LIVE

My "ONE WORD" for 2013 is: LIVE.
The idea of choosing one word to focus on for a year is the equivalent of making a resolution, but goes a bit deeper than "lose weight". These words range from trust to believe, from patience to discipline. You can learn more about "My one word" here. 

The word "LIVE" also goes beyond vague: to survive the year. I don't want to simply live (though that, too, is a worthy goal), but I want to LIVE. LIVE with capital letters: to not miss a moment; to not forget the sunrise; to go on adventures; laugh more; love more; and enjoy each and every moment.
 
For 2013, I'm going to LIVE. And because of that, I'm going to make a 2013 bucket list. Different than my general bucket list which is sometimes huge and extravagant things, my 2013 bucket list focuses on things I can do this year. Perhaps I will make them month by month and focus on just a couple. These are going to range from the crazily absurd, to the mundane. But that's the point, I'm going to LIVE. ;-)

Want to join me on my journey? What's your word for this year?

The Advent Season

Advent is not the season of Christmas the way we typically view it. Jesus has not been born yet, we are expectantly awaiting his arrival. We are sitting, waiting for the contractions to start that will change the world. Jesus did not just appear in the manger. Mary still had contractions and had to birth a breathing child, and survive the process! The risks of pregnancy and delivery were so much greater some two thousand years ago. That's why it's so absurd that Mary rode the donkey. Could you imagine being 9 months pregnant, knowing that any day was going to be the day your water broke? And here you are on a donkey in the middle of nowhere with nowhere private or comfortable to go if/when it started?

Do we ever think of those hours that Mary was laying there in a stable, surrounded by animals, Joseph by her side, and him saying "breathe!!! breathe!!! Come on, Mary, you've got this! breathe! Just a little more!" I expect in his head he was thinking "O my gosh, what do we do now? What's next?" It's not like they could call 911 or anything of the sort. They were probably lucky if there was a midwife anywhere around. But maybe they were lucky; maybe they brought their own midwife on the road with them. Maybe she was there the whole time.

But that doesn't negate the pain she had to go through to bring Jesus into the world.

And not only was she bringing her son into the world in a stable, she was bringing the savior of the world onto earth. I wonder if that comforted her, or made her more anxious about the successful delivery.

Do we ever think of that?

I approach this season with a different perspective this year. I'm in a season of expectantly awaiting news that will change my life. I am waiting knowing that more pain is probably on the way before that joyous moment that peace, hope, joy, and love enter into my current situation. I am sitting here, knowing that seasons of waiting are often the hardest. Knowing that there are singular moments that can change everything.

But, we can't rush the waiting. Waiting is part of life. And when the next moment comes that turns everything on its head, it is made that much sweeter. Waiting isn't easy, and it sure doesn't come without its moments of uncertainty, but surely the moment of arrival is sweet. Isn't it the build-up to Christmas that kids are so worked up about? After the presents are opened things start shifting back to normal.

It's all part of the seasons of life.

The same way we can't skip the cross during Lent and into Easter, we can't skip Advent and jump to the arrival of Christ in the world. Christmas only comes after the waiting. We wait mere weeks; weeks where Mary was having braxton hicks contractions, feeling Jesus move in her stomach, and probably just wanting to rest a little while on the road to Bethlehem (I can hear her yelling at the donkey she was riding, and subsequently at Joseph: "Can't we go just a bit faster!! Speed this donkey up!!!"). Mary waited through 9 months of confusion and being ostracized.

We can wait a couple weeks.

Sit and wait.

Jesus is coming.

Go and Make: Religionless Christianity

I've spent a great deal of time this semester reading/talking/studying/exploring/etc what it looks like to be a healthy church. This is the topic of my independent study course, and it brings me to wonder over and over again what I am doing with my life. If the church is 'dying', will I even have a job at the end of this? What does the church look like, and how does it function without 'religion'? I mimic Bonhoeffer's question: What is religionless Christianity?

I've decided the large paper I am to write is going to start with Bonhoeffer, and it is going to go through Biblical examples of the church; early historical representations of what the community looked like. Indeed, what it looked like isn't really the issue. That is what has gotten us into so much trouble to begin with. We focus so much on the form of the church: the committees, the budgets, the deacons, the Sunday School teachers, etc, that we forget the function of the church. Jesus never told us what our churches should look like and how they should be governed, but he gave us instructions on how to be the church. In trying to do church, we have lost the fact that We are already the church.

We do not need a building to be the church. We do not need to meet on Sunday mornings at 11a to be the church, and we do not have to be on a committee to be a good Christian. In fact, sometimes, these things are hindrances to our being the church. We forget that the church is about relationships, reaching out to the poor, reaching out to the sick, reaching out to everyone. It is this everyone reaching that makes me question our models of missions. I'm not even convinced I believe in the Western model of missions anymore; at least, not as I see it being played out in the churches I observe and am a part of. Missions isn't a one day, weekend, or week long trip. Those are great experiences, but if those experiences don't transform the function of your life and ministry at home, that form was worthless.

When we relegate missions to a part of our church, to certain groups, to a meeting once or twice a year, or a committee that is to take care of that work, we have lost the point. That is not it AT ALL. That is completely backwards. The Great Commission said "GO!" It did not say "Wait around and form a committee and only some people will have to show up, and only some will have to take these silver things out of their pockets." In fact, the Great Commission said nothing about money at all! It said "GO!" "GO and MAKE!" Those are active verbs, not passive. They are imperatives, orders. 

So what does it mean to be the church without the form? What does it mean to be the church without a church?

It means "going" and "making".

GO! Go to your neighbors, go down the street, talk to the secretary at your work, or the custodian. Talk to the beggar on the street that you just averted your eyes from. Take someone out to lunch.

MAKE! Make friends, make relationships, talk about life, struggles, fun, absurd... relationships lead to discipleship. Without a relationship, the words you say will mean nothing. It is the relationship that says so much more than your words ever will. Your actions speak louder than your words. Don't worry about your words. Don't worry about how to "slip God into the conversation." Believe me, if you are living your life in a Godly way, and you are caring about and for the people around you, that will say more about the God you believe in and worship than your words ever will.

You don't need a church to show someone God's love. You need you! You don't need the church. And the ultimate goal is clearly not getting 'them' to attend your church. Jesus says nothing about attendance in this. Nothing.

Matthew 28:19-20(NIV): "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Go and make this week. 

Forever in today

It is always seems to be forever between my posts. I'd apologize, but I've decided they'll just come when they come.

You see, my second year of school has started, and I'm not nearly as organized as I was last year. Not in any way. Instead, I'm trudging through, making sure everything is getting done. I feel as if I'm not the only second year feeling this way. We are no longer the new kids on the block (ha! if only!), nor are we about to graduate. We are in the middle just having to use our determination to make it.

We are not the first to feel this way, and we will not be the last.

Most of our lives are lived in this period actually. I mean, think about the seasons of the year:
There is the beginning of Spring, the end of Spring.
Beginning of Summer, and the end of Summer.
Beginning of Fall, the end of Fall.
And then the beginning of Winter, and the end of Winter.

That is eight special days of the year. Eight beginnings and endings. Out of 365 days of the year. The other 357 are spent either looking forward to the next season or remembering the one that has passed. We live with expectations and rememberings. But more importantly, we live.

We live. We live in the yesterdays and tomorrows.

But forever there are todays. There is only so long that you can look forward to the next season, the next job, the next semester... or remember the last semester, the last vacation, the last school...

At some point, we live in today. The forever of monotony. The drudgery. The mundane.

This is where we live. These days do not have to feel mundane while we are in them, though. These are the days where the most change can be made. The fun is not in expecting things, or remembering things. The fun is in doing things. Do things on these mundane days. Do things on the forevers. Do things in the middle.

Forever lasts a long time. So stop looking forward. Stop looking backward.

Find your forever in today.

Today is worth more than any tomorrow.

Forever.