Life in the Bread and Cup

We took communion this morning at church. The bread and cup of Life. A centuries old tradition of the church, and one that my current church takes part in at least quarterly.

Every time I take communion, especially when you hold the little cup (as opposed to intinction), I remember my grandmother. It was she who taught me how to hold the bread, and how to hold the cup. The cup, especially, is held in such a way that it is nearly impossible to spill it, and if you did, your other hand would catch it. I've always held my cup this way. She also taught me that once you hold the bread and then the cup, you are to think about what it means in your life at that moment - reflect on the life that was given, and all the things that have occurred for which you are forgiven, and the grace represented in the cup.

There was a time in my life where I wouldn't take the bread and cup when it was passed to me. A time when I didn't feel worthy of it, and couldn't accept that grace was bigger than anything that had happened in my life up to that point. That I was already forgiven for those things. It was too much for me to comprehend, and it is that memory that moves me every time I've taken communion since. Communion isn't just another thing I do, but it is heavy on my heart because I remember how much it hurt to look at the (symbolic) blood shed for me and this life I'm living. It is deeply moving to me to take communion.

Today, it is freeing. I learned how much that grace means and how deeply it is felt. It is what allows me to live my life each and every day. Without grace, I am nothing at all. My life without it was quickly ending; with grace, I can keep on waking, keep on walking, keep on working. Working to help others feel the enormity of grace.

There truly is Life in communion, and I hope it never loses its meaning in my life.

Stay tuned for the revealing of my word for 2014.

Happy New Year, everyone. Make it the best year yet, and may you feel the life that comes with grace each and every day.

Excess

Watch this video first: 

http://www.qideas.org/video/the-endless-cycle-of-want.aspx

As I post my 200th post, and having survived Thanksgiving and even one store at midnight last night (for shoes, no less), I'm thinking thoughts that I think a lot...

What is enough?

See, I can seem a bit like a hoarder. Mostly because America is a bit of a hoarder. We all seem to need to hoard everything and have a lot, and the biggest, and the best... and I try to do my best to not be like that. I really do. I don't often buy the newest or best thing; I go for the time tested, rugged, it-will-last-another-hundred-years-and-I-found-it-at-a-yard-sale kind of purchases. I dream of someday having a new car, but even then I don't think I really want a brand new car. I'm fine with the 2002 Honda Civic I bought a few months ago when my 2000 Alero decided it was done. I get great gas mileage, have no loan, and it's a car that I should be able to get a good 100k more miles out of if I so choose. I live in a house that is a good size, and it is available for purchase if I want it for a VERY good deal - which is why I'm constantly considering it. It is a house that I could probably stand to live in for up to marriage and maybe two kids depending on how close in age they are. It's 1100 sq feet are a bit excessive when I'm home alone, but it's nice when I've got another (or two) full-sized adults staying here.

And when I moved, I was looking into night stands and shelves and all of these things, and I kept telling myself, "Don't buy things with more storage space, because then you'll just have to fill it up!!!" And the last thing I need in my life is more STUFF. I've already got enough stuff. And yet I fall too easily into buying more stuff. Last night, I went out and bought three new pairs of shoes. Granted, one was to replace a pair that is currently falling apart badly, and another to replace a pair that I had to throw away the other day, so I've really only netted one pair of shoes, but I didn't really need all three. Maybe two of them I needed, but I got three. I had my old phone for 2.5 years before I bought my new one, and then I bought the "newest and best"... knowing fully well that I'm going to keep this one for two and half years and not upgrade as soon as the next one comes out...

But I look in my closet - and my new closet is at least twice the size as my old one (one of my dressers is IN my closer), and I keep buying stuff to put in it. I have to keep buying hangars. SO MANY CLOTHES! To the point that it feels like there is too much choice at the beginning of the day. It's not that I have nothing to wear, but it's that there's so much to choose from.

And then we look at my kitchen, and here's where I really struggle. Clothes I can almost justify, because my size varies so much from day to day depending on medicine, or food, or... well... all women know it fluctuates... but food. Let's talk about food.

Why do we have so many cupboards in our kitchens? And why do I think it's necessary to have my cupboards full? There was a while where I felt like I was doing something wrong because my fridge was basically empty ALL. THE. TIME. All the other fridges I look into are stuffed to the brim with no room for anything else. No. Not me. At any given time I have two to three shelves empty. And I've learned that that's a good thing.

But back to the cupboards...

I've got so much stuff in my cupboards. Spices. Okay, hoarde those to an extent because a bottle of an awesome spice can last a long time and is versatile, but why do I feel like I always have to have boxed mixes of *something* in my cupboard? Why do I feel like I always have to have macaroni? Why must there always be soup? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH STUFF?!?!?!??!?!?! I've learned a lot for me about why I have to have my two shelves plus a lazy susan (and my freezer) full - I'm always scared that at some point I won't have enough money and so I should have extra food so I can eat anyway. This is the same way I feel about my house. I will make sure I have rent money before I do anything else. As long as I have a roof, I'm good. Second comes food... So, I make sure I've got enough.

But really, this is a lot of excess. Why? What is the purpose of this? Why do we buy bulk at Sam's? I've got a card for a free membership to Sam's and I can't figure out why I would go over there and get it. I mean, I guess the prices are good, but do I really need all that food? and to buy it all in bulk? Really? I think I've got plenty and I'm really good at finding awesome deals. Plus, the gas to get all the way to the store kind of negates it.

I don't need to be creating more shelves to put more stuff on to collect more dust.

I need to use what I have.

My worst hoarding product, and here I'm being completely honest: BOOKS.

I love books.

I will probably own a library at some point in my life.

So I hoard these more than I hoard anything else.

So, I'm thinking right now, that my new year's resolution coming up (and really beginning as soon as school is out and I have some time to sit and do it), is cleaning out my life again and having less excess. Because the problem is that some of the stuff I have is completely useless. It's NEVER used, so why do I keep it? I have aspirations of some day using these things, and with only a few exceptions, this is never going to happen... so why not get rid of it? Why not start going through this?

So, my goal for BEFORE the first of the year is to go through and get rid of things that don't need to be here and figure out what I am *actually* lacking - which is only one thing that I can think of right now, and it's something I've just been too lazy to get done right. But it's time for the excess to go. I just keep getting more!!!

Even if my shoes are cute, it's time.

Even if I might really want mac&cheese tomorrow, it's time.

Even if miiiiiiiiiiiight use that doo-dad-thing over there, it's time.

It's much to simple to fall into the lull of excesss, and it's not a lull that I want to be in.

Time to be simple....

"Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free..."

Thanksgiving 2013

Some things I'm thankful for: 

1) I live away from most of my family, and have for over half of my life. This means that I've had to learn to form a different kind of family, and I am thankful that the people I've found welcome me and love me, and let me love them. This is an amazing gift that is worth more than anything.

2) I am thankful for the Thanksgiving dinner I had today with my two younger brothers and my mother. I don't know how this came to be, but the boys and I cry laughing nearly the entire time we eat holiday meals together. We will not be all together at Christmas, or at Easter, or Memorial Day.. but sometime in the summer we should be ready to do it again... Until then, I am thankful for Skype and Viber. Technology can be awesome.

3) I am forever grateful for heat, electricity, gas, carpet, and numerous other things that we like to take for granted. It is so nice to walk into your house and be warm, and I don't think it will ever be "old hat" to me again. Sure downstairs is colder than upstairs, but heat rises, and that is fine with me.

4) I am thankful for the ability to work. Sure, waking up isn't always fun, and sometimes it's crazy busy in my life, but I am thankful for it.

5) I am thankful for my education. Again, sometimes it is busy, and crazy, and I wonder what in the world I was thinking, but as I near the end, I know I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and made friends that will last forever.

6) I am thankful for the people that continue to pour into me. Whether it is words of encouragement, or words of advice, I am thankful they care enough to speak them and help me flourish.

7) I am thankful for technology. All kinds of technology and innovation. They help us do things that were not possible even five years ago, and impact our lives in huge ways. When used the right way, technology can be an amazing tool!

8) I am thankful for each and every day. Not just the things that happen in the day, but the day itself. One of my friends used to say "It's a great day to be alive if you're alive." Isn't that the truth? I always sang the song instead of letting him finish, though - "It's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes..." Indeed.

This list could go on and on and on... But I'll leave it there for now.

Except to say that....

I'm thankful for blankets. Lots and lots of blankets.

And pillows.

Amazing invention, those.

Stained Glass

Every week during worship I stare at this image. This is the stained glass at the front/back of our sanctuary. The congregation can't see it during worship, but it is the side of the building that faces the road. Because of its location only the choir and staff can see it. And I enjoy staring at it almost all the time.

You can't tell from this picture necessarily, but there are three crosses in red. It is stained glass, so it is not solid, but the pieces are clearly there. And given my current state as a fragmented piece of something (working multiple jobs, going to school full time, living life, etc), it is beautiful to me.

Extremely beautiful.

So I'm looking at it this morning as our pastor preached on John 13:34-35 - The passage where Jesus says "love one another. They will know you are disciples by your love." (paraphrase).

And I look back at this window. This MASSIVE window.

And I see love in it. The three crosses, formed out of brokenness, and yet, full of love.

I told this children about agape in the children's message: the unconditional, unbelievable love that God has for us. And here it is, sitting there, staring me in the face each and every Sunday (and every other time I walk through the sanctuary).

This love that, even in our brokenness, shines through. That if we are loving others the way God loves us, you can see the cross we bear on our souls.

And I don't know why I haven't thought of that before, but it was extremely powerful to me this morning.

I am broken, but I wear the cross. I am in pieces sometimes, but God still shines through. I am only human, but God is God.

An otherwise pointless mess of glass, the cross stands in the middle, showing God in the broken.

God who heals.
God who loves.
God who reaches out.

Let me love like God this week.

Wow.

Frustrations

So, I am really frustrated with myself.
REALLY.

Why? Because I find myself jealous of other people and I DO NOT like that. And more than that, I find myself frustrated with other people because they don't know what they need to do, or they are too naive, or they are are too far removed, or they have it easy, or they (insert some other excuse here)...

Normally, I can talk myself out of these feelings because I truly believe that we all carry different burdens for different reasons and we all have different thresholds so they effect us all in very individual ways. We are different people and we are going to respond in our ways... That's just part of life; and like I said, I normally hold this very dear to my heart and don't try to judge or compare peoples' stories to other stories, and I hate the line, "Well at least it's not as bad as..."  We were not created to try to have the worst story, or to compare our lives to other peoples', but we were created to live our own and share our stories. 

So why, right now am I in this place of seemingly comparing stories and getting frustrated by it? 

Because life just isn't fair, and it never will be.

Facebook is evil, because it can breed frustration where there need not be any... apparently, today everyone is "really busy" and feels the need to put out there everything they are doing in some sort of "look at how much I have going on in my life right now!!!" way. But I sit there and read some of them, thinking.... well, you are doing less on your busy day than I do on a 'normal' day. 

Then I wonder what the heck I'm doing wrong because I can't be content doing nothing all day and then my busy day having three things to do, all of which really require nothing out of me. They might require me showing up, but it's not really work, not really engaging, and so, not really busy. 

And I think back to my life again, and wonder how it is that I don't know how to sit still for very long and not do anything. It is an asset at times, but at others, a real fault. Especially in a time where I need to be prioritizing things, and cutting back on what I'm doing, but I enjoy everything and everything has a purpose so I just can't seem to choose! And then no-one quite understands, in the way that no-one can quite understand another's journey... 

Because I sit here frustrated about things in my own life, knowing that I would really love to be able to reach out to those who have lost a loved-one recently, and I would love to be able to be present with those who are about to lose a loved one... and I would love to sit there with my friend while she faces things that truly, truly suck... 

And then I come back to facebook, where I hear people whining about the trivial things of life and how tough it is to have a cold, or a stomach bug.... and I know they are not fun, but I also know that they aren't grounds for calling in the cavalry... Because I know while someone is complaining about cleaning (or when I do, let's be real), that I know people who live in a motel, who would LOVE to have a house to complain about cleaning it... 

And it's all about perspective. And I have to beat myself up sometimes (figuratively) to remind myself that when my house is a complete disaster, I made the mess... or when I am too tired, I am not doing something right... and when I am super-duper frustrated, I need to step back and take a look at what's really going on and how I can fix it! 

It comes down to the Serenity Prayer: 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I can only change me, and I can't make others understand that complaining and whining doesn't fix things... or that I'm sorry you don't have the newest/brightest thing, but I know this woman who is working every single day to feed and house herself and her son while you sit here and talk about it... and I can't explain that some of the things you are frustrated with came from your own choices... because sometimes that's just too harsh...

One of my cousins has a tattoo that says "cowgirl up" and when she first got it, I didn't really understand why on earth she would get that tattooed on her body (okay, I still don't necessarily understand the meaning of having it tattooed on her, but I understand its significance), but I definitely want to scream it at people sometimes. 

There is more that can be done than you are doing. There are ways to change your situation. There is a different way to look at this problem facing you. There are other things going on in our community and world that help give us perspective if you step outside yourself for just a moment and really look at it. 

And so it all comes back to community... when we truly live in community, it seems that we have a better perspective on the world because we see others' struggles, and we help carry them while we carry ours, and in that mutual caring and love we don't have enough time to compare the struggles or get too bogged down with only ours... because then we are frustrated together and not at each other...

And all of this is a lot of rambling, with not much of a point, but maybe it helps you think and ponder and you can join in this discussion and think and ponder with me... 

And now, on my only day off of the week, I'm going back to doing my homework...

Chapters

So, a week from today is my 23rd first day of school, if I've done my math correctly. Check me here:
13 years of K-12 education taking place at five different schools total, across two different states
4 years of undergraduate education at UNCG and in New Zealand
3 years of first days as a teacher overseas
2 years of graduate work back in NC

I've had 22 first days - some of them normal first days, and others a bit more exciting; but each marks a new phase in my life. My life has revolved around the school year, it seems. I guess I should technically say I've had 23 first days since NZ was opposite the northern hemisphere and I experienced their first day in February with them.... but I digress...

It's weird to think that I'm about to start my 23rd year of school in some form or fashion. As many of my friends return to the classroom for workdays this week, I miss (a little bit) the classroom I left. I miss that rush of the new year, the rhythm of vacations, new students, new challenges... life was never boring, that's for sure. And every year you had a chance to start anew.

While teaching, my subject was unique, though. While you had the chance to start anew, you were also always building. I was a music teacher, you see, and I would have the same students year after year unless they moved away or had to quit for some reason (which I rarely allowed). New students at the school were a regularity, but it wasn't often that we were able to fit in everyone who wanted music (how often does *that* happen in a school?!). Sometimes I miss the newness. I miss the excitement. I don't think anything will ever quite match up with what those first days were like. Nothing.

And now, I'm looking towards my last first day, and maybe even my last last day. You see, commencement - at which I hope to walk across the stage and collect my Masters of Divinity degree will happen a week shy of the anniversary of my return to America. On May 26 (at 11pm), I will have been back in America for three years. And perhaps that is the biggest thing of all: I've been back a long time! And yet not at all. I don't feel so far removed from my experiences that I wouldn't be able to step right back into that village on the mountain, be able to gather my produce at market, walk home, take a taxi in the rain, go to Meenakshi's or Abbas' for non-produce items, and go to Tava's for dinner... I haven't deleted my contact numbers from my phone, because you never know when you are going to be back and need to call Ravi for a ride, or need to order something from Rafik.

It's all a part of life, though: first days and last days. We all celebrate first days every year on our birthday, and we mourn for years afterwards our loved ones' last days. We have anniversaries that we honor with parties, and we remember days we moved...

They're all chapters of our lives; bookmarks in our stories that we count forward from, or count backwards to just keep a frame of reference.

I'm reflecting today on my first days and my last days: What makes them stand out in my mind other than the marking of time that they create? Are there things that make some endings better or worse than others? What do I wish was better about my first days?

Firsts and lasts are important; they are critical points in our lives. And because our lives are always changing, they are inevitable. 

Wait. What?

Where on earth did the summer go? I actually have no idea where mine has gone, and at times, I have a hard time remembering anything that happened this summer, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

A lot of things have changed this summer, but I will say that not many of my summer goals were accomplished. Something about life getting in the way, or something like that. I have, of course, moved houses, I preached earlier this summer, I took on new initiatives, and I did have a lot of fun. I just feel like this summer has been entirely too short, and I'm not sure why because there were 5 weeks that were spent on a vacation of some sort. I spent some great quality time with my family, and it is time that I wish could be extended right now. I still waiver on whether or not that is going to happen, and if it does, if it will be sooner or later...

But contemplations aside, summer is winding down. I have a week and a half until my last year of graduate school begins. I have a kind of busy semester not to mention working to pay the bills (and don't forget life in there somewhere!). Because my schedule is going to be tight, I have to be more intentional about self-care - keeping appointments, listening carefully to my body, and most importantly - listening to my soul. I've got enough going on without burning out at some point.

Which brings me to something else. I read a blog a little while ago that spoke to me. You can read it here. It talks about the inside versus outside leg when showing horses. This is something I grew up knowing - showing the judges one thing (a calm, collected presence), while working hard in the hidden spaces. I began reflecting on my summer and my current position in life and almost feel like I'm not taking care of myself as I should. I haven't read any books this summer (save the Hunger Games trilogy for the first time); I haven't done anything extraordinary; My initial plan to take a day off per week (or at least every other) didn't pan out... All these things... But I realized that I've done an okay job at finding new ways - in particular, through art.

I came upon this outlet as an assignment and didn't expect it to be something to last, but it has. I'm not amazing, and what I do is not for presentation, but for me to try to process, and to keep my mind working. And that is important, because right now, I'm not sure my mind is ready for school to start back.

The end of summer is no fun.

But I think that in the coming days I'm going to make some fall goals, and I will need to be more accountable to keeping them. I want to cook more and maybe fall will be more conducive to that since so many of the recipes I want to try are crock-pot recipes.

But for now, a week and a half more of summer. I hope to end it well, as it is my last summer vacation, I suppose. At least, a long one...