the obligatory end of the year blog

2011 ends tonight. It has already ended in some parts of the world, and from what I hear, 2012 starts alright. That's good to know.

This year has been an insanely crazy year, and I have enjoyed most of it. We'll look at it in pieces:

January: I began the month with friends of mine, and enjoying the time with them. Then I started my last semester of school at my job. We got ready for our music field trip and tried to arrange visits from Carnegie Hall representatives to our school and the first ever music festival.

February: Music field trip the capitol of our city went off well. There were stressful moments logistically, and I stood in the middle of the road stopping traffic, but it was a lot of fun.

March: I want to my friend's place for the graduation of students from their school. And then I came back to school and pulled off the first ever music festival at our school. It was a grand time and really productive/beneficial for all involved.

April: Took long weekend and went to the beach and went to the southern most point on the way back. Other than sun poisoning it was a good time. I told my students I was leaving this month. Mixed reactions. I'm sure some of them didn't care, others were glad, and still others were saddened by this. We all have to move on. Prepared the final concerts of the semester and arranged for the Carnegie representatives to visit the school.

May: Arranged countless other concerts and prepared to leave the school and my home. It was an interesting month of ups and downs. At the end of the month, I moved back to America and tried to readjust to life.

June: I taught some classes and had some speaking engagements about my time overseas, and they were fruitful. Then I left to go to NY and spend time with my family.

July: This entire month was spent with my family in NY and it was fantastic. I really enjoyed it and all the time together. It makes me miss them dearly now. At the end of the month, I hurt my knee pretty severely (little ol' me was on crutches!!! I couldn't walk at all!), but a friend of mine came in to town and we went to Niagara Falls anyway! Then we came down to NC and moved me into my new place...

August: Spent settling in to my official 'new life', setting up house and healing my knee. Getting back involved in my church and trying to rest before school started.

September: School was in full swing. Shoo. It's a lot of work, but I was learning and meeting new people and having a great time in general.

October: Mid-terms came and went, and, unfortunately, I wasn't able to go anywhere for fall break. Certain things happened that changed my perspective on my past and my future. It wasn't easy, but it's been good. My father also went into the hospital for the first time beginning a tumultuous two months that continues...

November: A busy month, but I survived.

December: Whew, this month was busy at the beginning in all sorts of ways, but the last couple weeks have been very relaxing. It's been good, except for my car, and except for being sick. It's unfortunate that when I should be relaxing, I've been sick and poor, but that's okay.


In general, 2011 has been a year of massive change and it's been good changes. That is not to say that it's been easy. In fact, moments have been really hard.

But really, it's been good.

And I never wrote a Thanksgiving entry.
So what am I thankful for this year?

My bed. I walk past this thing countless times a day and EVERY time I think: "Man, I love you."
Power that doesn't cut out.
Fans.
Heat.
Stores that are fully stocked.
The comfort of home at night.
The community that surrounds me. More and more I am shown how amazing the people around me are, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
School and everything that comes with it: new friends and awesome professors to learn from.

I love it. Life is good. I don't know how long I will have everything I have right now, but I'm going to enjoy it and be thankful for it all while I do. :-)

Happy New Year, everyone!!!!

A plethora...

I have a plethora of blog ideas just waiting to be written about. I also have 2 incomplete blog entries saved on my computer... maybe someday they'll all be finished...

Here's a preview of what's to come in 2012:
Prayer: What we should really be praying about
The Gospel and the Holy Ghost
Fishermen and Shepherds: Our Purpose
Direction (or Lack thereof)

A Series on Calling:
Sayers vs. Doers: Why words mean nothing without action
The Calling as a Scape-goat
The Emotional Call
The Cost of the Call

Just a little preview... coming soon will be my 2011 reflection, and boy is that a doozy to write. :-)

I hope you're as ready for 2012 as I am!

The Shepherd...

I have always been partial to the name "pastor" as the leader of my church. Perhaps it is because I am a Baptist, but that cannot be the only reason. Amongst Baptist churches, there are many different names for the person behind the pulpit: preacher, pastor, reverend, some even use the term father. But for me, pastor is it, and perhaps that is because my first preacher was Pastor Harry. That was his name. He wasn't just Harry. Never. It was almost like not using Mr. or Mrs. in front of a teacher's last name. It was PASTOR Harry.

Because of this, even now, my preacher/leader/person-behind-the-pulpit will always be pastor.

I was thinking about this one day, and it became apparent to me that I can find no BETTER word to describe that person behind the pulpit. Unlike every other word used, this word does not actually imply being OVER a group of people. Some might argue the opposite, but follow me for a second:

A pastor (aka: shepherd) leads a group of sheep, that is unmistakable (at least to some). But do they really LEAD the sheep? Is there some massive journey or mission that they are on in which they are being led? Not really. Actually, the shepherd is just guiding them where they already know: to food, to water, to shelter. This guiding is ACTUALLY done by the sheep themselves who wander as a group to what they need. The shepherd does, however, keep them from the crevices that might be dangerous, and the general movement just happens naturally.

But the most vital role of the shepherd is to keep the flock safe and together! When one sheep goes astray, to go and find it. When there is an attack, to stand between the enemy and the sheep. When there is a crevice ahead, to steer them away.

How powerful then, is this image of a shepherd. Standing watch at all times, keeping everyone safe, and intervening when the enemy approaches.

I can think of no better way to view my Savior. He is my Shepherd. He will keep me safe from my enemies, and He will find me if I get lost.

And by extension, my Pastor is the same. He will intervene for the church against the enemy, and He will help keep us from getting lost, whether as a group or as individuals. It is a powerful view of the pastor. A true servant role at the heart of it.

Because at the heart of it, the value is actually in the sheep! In each and every sheep.


And how many shepherds came to Jesus that night? How many shepherds knew that there was an even greater shepherd on earth?

We are to be fishers of men, and shepherds to the masses...

Wow... (this could become a whole 'nother entry... and probably will)...

Jesus is my shepherd, and my pastor will always be my pastor.

What an awesome and different way to view the person congregations look to for guidance.

Christmas on this side...

So, most of you know that this transition has not been the easiest on me, but I've been handling it pretty well, taking everything one step at a time. Because of that, it hasn't been entirely too difficult.

However, as Christmas had drawn nearer, the differences have been stark. I only lived overseas for 3 years, but I have spent the last 4 Christmases overseas, with the same people every year. Get this straight: This is my first Christmas in America since 2006. That was seriously my last American Christmas, and I couldn't even tell you what I did for it. I have no idea. However, I can tell you exactly what I've done each of the last four...

This year's has been marked by HUGE differences. Overseas I spent time trying to figure out what people needed or wanted and I reveled in giving gifts that I knew would be appreciated. I LOVE giving gifts. If I had ever gone through the love languages, that's probably one of mine. That and words of affirmation. I love being able to give someone something they've wanted or needed. But I'm back in America and it's all very commercial again. It's all "what do you want?" or "But I asked for this..."... It's unfortunate. Even here, among some of my close friends, it's this idea of having to give gifts to people, no matter if you know what they want/need or not. It's a matter of duty, apparently.

I don't want to give a gift out of duty. I feel like that defeats the point. In fact, there are plenty of gifts that I want to give to people (though I literally have no money, like, actually). These people aren't necessarily those you'd assume. They are just people that have spoken positive words into my life over the past few months, or people that I see that need a little boost.

Duty does not speak to me. Love speaks to me.

And that's where the biggest different lies for me. It's a different mindset and it actually turns me away from Christmas. There is so much more to this season than the duty of gift giving. Even gift receiving for me is tainted. Of course there might be a novelty or two to ask for, but really, I don't want to make a list. In fact, I can't even think of enough for a list if you ask me. It might be an instance here or there where I think of something I want, but when it gets down to it, there's not a lot I need. My life is pretty comfortable.

I just don't want the duty. I want to be free to give from the heart, and I don't like when people EXPECT something because of that sense of duty. My duty at Christmas is not to give X,Y and Z certain presents that cost a certain amount of money. My duty is to spread joy, and spreading joy might not even include my name on the "from" tag... Recognition is not necessary. It is the joy of giving that drives the season, not the reciprocal nature everyone thinks. If I give a gift, I do not expect anything in return. It is different than the general culture. And I hope one day this is the culture that exists.

Hearing stories about things like strangers paying of layaway accounts gives me hope that there are people out there that know the reason for the season. We might be in a recession, but in a way, I think the hard times are when people support each other more because they know what it's like and are willing to help those who are worse off. When people are comfortable, they are in a bubble and it's harder to see the struggles others are having. I *love* that people are paying off layaways, or paying for people's items when their card is denied at the store. It is heartwarming. There is nothing to get in return.

And that, my friends, is Christmas. I hope this spreads. Then maybe I would feel like it's the holidays.

Until that day, I'll keep praying for the change, and thanking God for the people today who see the real meaning of Christmas and do something about it. They are not just saying it with their mouths, but they are DOING it. They are LIVING the meaning of Christmas.

Thank you, Lord, for those people!

Merry Christmas, everyone! I truly hope each and every one of you enjoys the time with your family and friends, and that you are able to be Jesus to someone this year. You might be the only light someone sees even (and especially) at this time of year.

I love you all!

Familiar roads

Tonight, I went to my mother's house to pick up a piece of mail, as I pulled out and onto the road to come back to town, I began thinking... The speed limit may say 55, but I flow around 60. This curve may suggest 35, but I can go it comfortably 45-50. I know where the houses are, and I know where the speed limit changes. I could probably drive that road blindfolded.

And why is that?

Because it is a familiar road to me. I have ridden on it and driven on it countless times in my life in all sorts of weather and every time of day and night. I have driven it angry, happy, sad, in a hurry, or just out for a drive. I've driven it to go to school, to go to competition, to go to the movies and to go to church. Relentlessly that path from outside of town and into town has been drilled into my mind.

It was semi-comforting to drive a road I know so well. It had an ease that isn't true with other roads. It is an easy a free road with gentle hills, and some nice curves to keep you awake. There is nothing special about this road. It is just something I've done a thousand times, and it was easy to drive it again, even though I haven't driven it in a while.

But, as I got partway down the road, another thought came to my head...

Because I know this road so well, I don't notice what's around me. So I looked around as I drove. I saw the Christmas lights that are going up. I saw the rabbit run across the street. I saw someone standing outside when they should SURELY be inside and out of the cold. As my hands and feet drove the car on auto-pilot, my mind had a chance to observe the things around me.

I have been terribly bad at taking pictures. I started a 365 project back in March and for the most part, I was good at it until my life got either too busy, or too monotonous. While living overseas, I made a point to not remove myself from situations by sitting behind a camera. This means there are not very many pictures of where I've been and what I've done. However, I have more vivid memories because my brain was forced to engage.

I want to live my life IN my life. And so, while my body is on auto-pilot either driving down the road, walking from my car to campus, or just doing everyday work, my brain needs to take time and observe what's around me. Because all around us is intense beauty and intricate lives.

We just have to take a moment to really SEE those familiar roads once again.

Flux...

The interesting thing about flux is that it can be a good thing or a bad thing. It just depends on how you deal with it. Thankfully, I've been in a time of flux, and I've learned enough in the last few years to use it for good. I believe I wrote last time about lessons I'd learned during this time, but please don't be mislead and think these times are over. This is continuing. I'm at what you might call, a turning point, in my life. Reconciling my past with my present (and then, of course, with my future). This is an interesting place to be. The past is not easy to deal with, and, mine in particular, is difficult to place in my present. I try to run from my past on a regular basis, and that is exactly what I can't do anymore.

So, today, I went and spoke to one of my professors. This is a very good thing, because, like I said, I tend to run. Working on a project for this class has been very healing but has also brought me to the point that I don't know if I want to share the project I've done. After all, it brings up the past. And by bringing up my past in this project, it implies I'm sharing my past with my classmates. This scares me. It will put me in this vulnerable place (where I actually already am thanks to the situation from a few weeks ago). It's a place that's scary to be in. But today when we spoke, we decided a few things about the presentation of my project that I think will make it better. It will make it more productive for the group and more safe for me. I am not scared of sharing, but, more, scared of the reaction of my classmates. That is always my fear. How will the people around me respond to it? In this situation, I think it will be good for both the group and myself.

I am really appreciative of this particular professor who has kind of walked these fields with me as we figure out how I am to interact in this class. And I really appreciate the feedback he had about sharing my work with the class. I really think this plan is for the best. It's still scary, but it's not supposed to be easy. But my story isn't just my story. Many people share all or part of this story, too. In the ministry, we will encounter people with similar stories. It is important to face them.

And it is important for me to show everyone who I really am. There are a select few who see the other side of me, but really, most still see the "beast" (the one who can get through and do anything). And maybe I can do a lot, but I'm not invincible. My professor said to me today that after our little situation, that he enjoys the "real" me. And that's one of the things, too. When I tell my story, it's revealing me. People look at me differently (or at least, it is perceived that way). But they really aren't LOOKING differently. They are SEEING differently. Because now, they have the whole picture. Now it is a 3D picture rather than 2D, and we all know that 3D is much more interesting, anyway...

It's time for me to be 3D.

And that's scary, but it's incredibly freeing.

Scars

I've been dealing with a tough situation recently, and of course, when things get tough, we tend not to share as much as we normally do. I'm not going to go into details about it because I've basically gotten to the point that I can't think about it anymore, and there is no more writing to be done about it. EXCEPT, that is, to pull out the lessons I've learned and share them with anyone who might come across this page.

This issue all started with an unintentional comment from one person, and turned into two weeks of turmoil. First lesson: think before you speak. He even knew he hadn't meant to say it that way as soon as it happened. But you can't take back the words after they're out. It's not a tape. It's in the books. And it was in my heart. Like a sword to the core of my being.

But that's not really the lessons I wanted to pull out. These are more of the lessons that I've really been dealing with and trying to get a handle on:

1) It's okay to hurt. It's okay to have pain. And it's okay to FEEL that pain.

2) It's okay to reach out for help. I have honestly talked to like six people (maybe eight... actually, maybe nine?) about this issue in various ways. And each has given me the best they can. For some, they just listened. One apologized (the one who had made the comment). Others helped me walk through it and work out the real issues at work here. And still others helped me practically by being there to pull me by my bootstraps when I was getting frustrated. Each of these people had their role in this, and each helped me to get through it.

3) It's okay to stand up for yourself. In fact, it's MANDATORY. I stood up for myself with the 'offender' in the sense that I had to go to him and talk to him about what he had said and how it had hurt me. It's not easy, but there was no way I was going to be able to continue forward with that person without that conversation. I did NOT, however, stand up for myself where I needed to the most, and that is my own fault, and (through permission of one of the people I talked to) I am going to fix that should a situation arise again like what has knocked me down.

4) You cannot fix everything. Nor can you make a horse drink at the river. I can only be there. My frustration with a certain situation has to stop in some respect because I can't fix it. Only time will tell. All I can do is be around and ready if the opportunity presents itself.

5) It is not okay to let people hurt you. People can only hurt if you let them. I don't know if this is coming out right. Maybe it is better like this: They can only victimize you if you let yourself be the victim. Don't be the victim. Stand up for yourself!

6) It is okay to let people feel for you. And in fact, is sometimes needed. I explained something to one person, and for the first time in my life, someone was as angry as I was about it. It was therapeutic and made my feelings somewhat vindicated. It is seriously the first time I've seen someone as angry about it as I felt about it. And you know what? That anger is okay. Some situations deserve anger. It's what you do about that anger that is the question.

7) Over-thinking is bad. I over-think. In this case, I feel like it has allowed me to move through it more quickly and better than I would have in the past, but it's still not good. Which is why I'm not dwelling on the situation in this post, but on the lessons I learned.

8) God is good. He has blessed me beyond belief with people around me that are awesome and truly care. He knows where I am, and He knows what I need.

O, and lesson 9! Sometimes, it's good to have people in your life that will just kick you in the pants and say "NO". And you know what? I was GLAD to hear that "no". It took a huge decision off my shoulders. That person also kicked me in the pants another way and said "no", and while I wasn't as GLAD to hear that one, I knew he was definitely right.

Okay. Now, seriously, I'm done. I have to do some Hebrew homework and then should probably work to get caught up on Old Testament...

Peace.