This is a blog asking for prayer. Please join me in praying for discernment about the present and the future.
I spent some time today in my church's sanctuary. Crying and praying. As I think I said in my last entry, it is MUCH harder to leave the second time. But I spent a lot of time in prayer for particular people in that church, who are either going through some rough times, have meant a lot to me, or were just laying on my heart for various reasons. I prayed for the church as a whole, and as individual people. And for programs and events they have coming up. Just taking some time to thank God for everything He has given me here at home to come back to. And of course, asking for strength to get through the transition back to India.
And then of course, I spent some time talking to pastor. And it was a good chat. Which got me to doing some thinking on my way home.
In the Catholic church, the term "father" is used for the priests. Normally, it is just a formality and people say it for that reason, but it means more than that. As a priest in that denomination, you are the "father" of the people in your congregation, serving more than just the purpose of priest. Now, I don't know the exact philosophical or theological history of why that word is used, but I think it might be interesting to find out, but on a personal level, it means a lot to me.
On the home front, it's never been quite easy for me, for various reasons. I know that, I've come to terms with it, and for the most part, I take care of myself to make it function, rather than let it pull me down. But because of that, my pastors have always meant more to me. They have taken the place of certain biological members of my family that weren't necessarily what they needed to be to me. My first pastor was my pastor for the first 11 years of my life. He moved to a different church around the time we moved to NC, and I haven't seen him since, but he still holds a huge piece of my heart, and I miss him a lot. We moved to NC, and for the first little while, it was a little bit hectic here on the church front, but eventually it settled down, and there were two pastors, and they both mean so much to me. I hope they read this so they can understand what they mean to me, but you never know with the internet. Both of them have helped me in more ways than they can even believe. Without knowing it, taking on roles that every child needs in their life, but, in current times, seem to rarely get.
Of course, there have been other people that have meant the world to me as well. Creating what I consider my home. Kyle Matthews, in one of his songs says "My heart knows where home is," and it's true. When I see these people, I feel at home like I do with no-one else. (I'll leave out last names so you don't know them!!! HAHA!), they are Darlene and Earl, and Sky and Ernestine, and then Mike and Patty. Three amazing couples and families that have meant so much to me in my life in NC. They are always on my mind and in my prayers. Coming back to NC was made complete when I walked into our church for early service and the first people I saw were Darlene and Earl. That meant I was home. My heart was where it needed to be.
It truly is hard to go back this time. And I pray that I'm doing the right thing in going back. That I'm doing the right thing applying for seminary. God told me I was going to seminary about this time last year, and I've spent a lot of time praying about this and trying to find Him and His will. As I've told many people before, He knows I like to have the whole picture, so He teaches me and makes me trust by showing me piece by piece. I often have to step back and abate my jealousy when I meet people to whome He has shown a grand picture and then works with them to get there.
But I don't know my final destination. I don't know where anything is leading. And sometimes, that is very hard for me. But, if anything, it grows my faith even more. I forget who used this illustration, or where I read it, but it said that with every step the board on the bridge comes to your foot. It does not show up before you take the step, but only after your foot is coming down to the air.
So here I go, building a bridge one faithful step at a time. Pray with me as God leads me and slowly shows me where He wants me.
<3
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Discipleship and Missions
So, I'm in America, and I've been here for about a month now. That is hard to believe. It's actually to the point that I'm preparing to say goodbye again. This morning was my second to last Sunday at FBC. I almost cried. Next week, I can almost guarantee that I will. It's much harder to leave this time and I'm already feeling it.
With America, comes driving. I get to drive! And with driving, comes thinking! Driving has always been where I've done a lot of thinking. Sometimes even talking out loud to the radio, or just the empty car. Something about driving clarifies things for me. Much the way running and biking used to. I hate going to a gym though because if you talk to yourself there, people think you're crazy!
Anyways... in the past year I've just been kind of exploring what awaits in seminary for me. What course-work do I want to take? Should I go for ordination? Where is seminary going to lead me? Is it worth the money to go do this if I honestly think I might live in India for an extended period of time?... etc...
Brought me to some concentrations you can do: Missions and Discipleship. There are some amazing schools that don't offer anything specific and broad about missions. This kind of bummed me out. There are some schools that have awesome discipleship programs.
And all this led me to the fact that discipleship and missions are the same thing. Granted, one implies finding non-believers with whom to disciple, and the other implies discipling someone already saved, but really, they are the same thing. In order to be effective in any setting, you are creating disciples. I feel that many people forget this. They forget the connection... the Great Commission said "Go and make DISCIPLES of all nations", not "go SAVE all nations." God wants disciples all over the world. He wants people who are yearning for a relationship with Him and learning and growing closer to Him. Not just people that are baptized and then forget that there's more to being a follower of Christ.
There's so much more to this in my head, but that's the jist. I just feel that discipleship is lost in a lot of ways in America due to the disconnection everyone has, thus the lack of deep relationships. We were created for community and unfortunately, don't live in it often enough. In community with our neighborhood we make relationships that lead to discipling someone. Without community, we disciple ourself and that doesn't grow the Kingdom.
I've also learned since being at home, that when you serve in another country, you are also serving at home. When you come home, you are educating people all the time about another culture. Always a teacher, I guess.
But I'm having fun, and loving reconnecting with friends and family, and getting my fill of unhealthy American food.
I'm really going to have a hard time leaving again. But, it's all for His glory, and thus, it will be okay.
With America, comes driving. I get to drive! And with driving, comes thinking! Driving has always been where I've done a lot of thinking. Sometimes even talking out loud to the radio, or just the empty car. Something about driving clarifies things for me. Much the way running and biking used to. I hate going to a gym though because if you talk to yourself there, people think you're crazy!
Anyways... in the past year I've just been kind of exploring what awaits in seminary for me. What course-work do I want to take? Should I go for ordination? Where is seminary going to lead me? Is it worth the money to go do this if I honestly think I might live in India for an extended period of time?... etc...
Brought me to some concentrations you can do: Missions and Discipleship. There are some amazing schools that don't offer anything specific and broad about missions. This kind of bummed me out. There are some schools that have awesome discipleship programs.
And all this led me to the fact that discipleship and missions are the same thing. Granted, one implies finding non-believers with whom to disciple, and the other implies discipling someone already saved, but really, they are the same thing. In order to be effective in any setting, you are creating disciples. I feel that many people forget this. They forget the connection... the Great Commission said "Go and make DISCIPLES of all nations", not "go SAVE all nations." God wants disciples all over the world. He wants people who are yearning for a relationship with Him and learning and growing closer to Him. Not just people that are baptized and then forget that there's more to being a follower of Christ.
There's so much more to this in my head, but that's the jist. I just feel that discipleship is lost in a lot of ways in America due to the disconnection everyone has, thus the lack of deep relationships. We were created for community and unfortunately, don't live in it often enough. In community with our neighborhood we make relationships that lead to discipling someone. Without community, we disciple ourself and that doesn't grow the Kingdom.
I've also learned since being at home, that when you serve in another country, you are also serving at home. When you come home, you are educating people all the time about another culture. Always a teacher, I guess.
But I'm having fun, and loving reconnecting with friends and family, and getting my fill of unhealthy American food.
I'm really going to have a hard time leaving again. But, it's all for His glory, and thus, it will be okay.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Invisible
I'm the invisible girl sitting in the middle of the floor in the middle of an airport.
I just made a realization:
I am SUPREMELY good at being invisible. I live my life in such a way that you (theoretical 'you' at this point) won't miss me when I'm gone. I love people with my whole being, but in the end, this makes it easier to say good bye. You only miss the idea of me once I'm gone. I was never really there to begin with, was I? I didn't make your life hinge on me. I didn't make you crave our togetherness. Ultimately, I know that that will end, so why make it great to begin with? I will do anything for you. Yet, you will never know too much about me. Why would you want to be attached to this, afterall?
So I've become good at weaving in and out. I show up unnoticed and I leave unnoticed. There isn't a big fanfare for me when I come, or when I go. Because, honestly, I do it often.
My whole life, I've traversed two worlds. My family and most of my heart in NY, and the rest of what's left in NC. Then it split into thirds when I left a huge chunk of me in NZ, but also grew in such a way that there was more to share. And now, I'm in fourths. But only so much so that no-one will really miss me. With me being spread all over the world (literally), how can you miss me? You can't know me in NC the way they do in NZ and NY and India. You can't know me in India they way they do in NC. But this has left me with a huge sense of want.
But that's okay. Because I pick up and go on. Having a knowledge that some people are incapable of grasping:
Life continues on without you. Always has, always will.
And now, I'm moving on.
I just made a realization:
I am SUPREMELY good at being invisible. I live my life in such a way that you (theoretical 'you' at this point) won't miss me when I'm gone. I love people with my whole being, but in the end, this makes it easier to say good bye. You only miss the idea of me once I'm gone. I was never really there to begin with, was I? I didn't make your life hinge on me. I didn't make you crave our togetherness. Ultimately, I know that that will end, so why make it great to begin with? I will do anything for you. Yet, you will never know too much about me. Why would you want to be attached to this, afterall?
So I've become good at weaving in and out. I show up unnoticed and I leave unnoticed. There isn't a big fanfare for me when I come, or when I go. Because, honestly, I do it often.
My whole life, I've traversed two worlds. My family and most of my heart in NY, and the rest of what's left in NC. Then it split into thirds when I left a huge chunk of me in NZ, but also grew in such a way that there was more to share. And now, I'm in fourths. But only so much so that no-one will really miss me. With me being spread all over the world (literally), how can you miss me? You can't know me in NC the way they do in NZ and NY and India. You can't know me in India they way they do in NC. But this has left me with a huge sense of want.
But that's okay. Because I pick up and go on. Having a knowledge that some people are incapable of grasping:
Life continues on without you. Always has, always will.
And now, I'm moving on.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
24 hours...
... And mixed emotions. I'm glad to be getting out of here. But I'm also just like "WHAT?!". This means that a year has been finished.
Unfortunately, one of my friends said today "I'm gonna miss you. Everyone needs someone to bully." And then I hit him. He's pretty wonderful, actually. Keeps me sane. I've really only got two things left to do. One to do today, and one to do tomorrow. Along with finishing the packing. I'm actually packed into only 1 bag for the flight home, so that's good. Gives me room to bring things back. (Still a few things to add... like clothes that are currently outside drying).
Just a quick entry.
O, did I mention that my dad and aunt are going to be coming and picking me up. EXCITING!
Unfortunately, one of my friends said today "I'm gonna miss you. Everyone needs someone to bully." And then I hit him. He's pretty wonderful, actually. Keeps me sane. I've really only got two things left to do. One to do today, and one to do tomorrow. Along with finishing the packing. I'm actually packed into only 1 bag for the flight home, so that's good. Gives me room to bring things back. (Still a few things to add... like clothes that are currently outside drying).
Just a quick entry.
O, did I mention that my dad and aunt are going to be coming and picking me up. EXCITING!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
6 days...
I leave in six days and I am still desperately ill. I got a little better since two weeks ago when I was sick, but today, I'm on the floor again. My energy levels are nil, I have a fever, and I just feel run down. So run down that even my teeth hurt.
I'm slowly getting everything taken care of in order to come home. Such as checks from the school, my VISA stuff, my grades, cleaning my office, etc.
Today is the last teaching day, and I couldn't want to be in my bed more. Seriously. I might go home after 7th if I get all my work done that I need to today. I think the goal for tomorrow afternoon is to finish all of my grades. That way, next week can be spent doing everything else I need to do.
Whew. Just a quick entry. I'll let you go. :-)
I'm slowly getting everything taken care of in order to come home. Such as checks from the school, my VISA stuff, my grades, cleaning my office, etc.
Today is the last teaching day, and I couldn't want to be in my bed more. Seriously. I might go home after 7th if I get all my work done that I need to today. I think the goal for tomorrow afternoon is to finish all of my grades. That way, next week can be spent doing everything else I need to do.
Whew. Just a quick entry. I'll let you go. :-)
Monday, May 11, 2009
Passion...
...The key to a happy life. Or at least, a content one.
This year has been a huge learning curve for me. More-so in a social and political sense than any other. In the sense that I came to a school excited about the spiritual life and history of it, and found something completely different. Where it is just like other "christian" institutions that have lost sight of its foundation. It has lost what it truly means to be a Christ-centered school. This is not okay. In a place where Christ is supposed to be the center, there are so many conflicts and solutions that are not sought in prayer. They are sought by who can pay more money, who has been around longer, and whose pay check will get fatter. Decisions about spending the school money are on what big names on campus use what facilities, rather than where the most people will benefit from that money.
I understand that money is needed to "make the world go 'round", but in a place that is supposed to be Christ-like, I feel that it should be spent on the students and how it helps them. It should not be spent creating more problems. You currently aren't giving your all to the 600 current students, but want to increase enrollment next year. I applaud you for *saying* that you are Christian in a country where Christianity is generally not accepted, but now you have to act like it. Giving scholarships to missionary kids does not make you a Christian institution.
Maybe this is why it seems like this is not the place for me for the long term. I don't know that I've said that 'out loud' on here, but it's true, and it's been in my head for a while. This place is just another example. This is the same thing that broke my heart last summer when I was sitting in church one Sunday and my pastor was speaking about churches in our community that did not want to open their doors to the homeless.
Where has Christianity gone? Where has the love for all of God's children disappeared to? Don't we all matter? Doesn't everyone deserve to have someone reach out to them and comfort them in their time of trouble? To share a spare blanket, and some warm food? Don't we have the responsibility as Christians to share our abundance with those who have none?
This is what my heart truly breaks over. And I have no idea how to "fix" it. I don't know how to make this right, or even show people that they're not following God even though they think they are. How do you begin to help people realize that we are of a shallow faith? How do we show people that there are still miracles in the world and that God is SO real and is moving in the slums? How do we help them realize that they could be doing mission work in their very neighborhood?
And I have no idea where this passion is leading me. But it's not this classroom. Not this house. Not this school. It's not any classroom. It's not any house. I would rather be, at this very moment, in that dalit village in Bangalore where I spent a week in September, showing those children that they are loved, and that someone cares to take time to play with them, even if, right now, I can't speak Khanata.
This is where I am at this very moment.
This year has been a huge learning curve for me. More-so in a social and political sense than any other. In the sense that I came to a school excited about the spiritual life and history of it, and found something completely different. Where it is just like other "christian" institutions that have lost sight of its foundation. It has lost what it truly means to be a Christ-centered school. This is not okay. In a place where Christ is supposed to be the center, there are so many conflicts and solutions that are not sought in prayer. They are sought by who can pay more money, who has been around longer, and whose pay check will get fatter. Decisions about spending the school money are on what big names on campus use what facilities, rather than where the most people will benefit from that money.
I understand that money is needed to "make the world go 'round", but in a place that is supposed to be Christ-like, I feel that it should be spent on the students and how it helps them. It should not be spent creating more problems. You currently aren't giving your all to the 600 current students, but want to increase enrollment next year. I applaud you for *saying* that you are Christian in a country where Christianity is generally not accepted, but now you have to act like it. Giving scholarships to missionary kids does not make you a Christian institution.
Maybe this is why it seems like this is not the place for me for the long term. I don't know that I've said that 'out loud' on here, but it's true, and it's been in my head for a while. This place is just another example. This is the same thing that broke my heart last summer when I was sitting in church one Sunday and my pastor was speaking about churches in our community that did not want to open their doors to the homeless.
Where has Christianity gone? Where has the love for all of God's children disappeared to? Don't we all matter? Doesn't everyone deserve to have someone reach out to them and comfort them in their time of trouble? To share a spare blanket, and some warm food? Don't we have the responsibility as Christians to share our abundance with those who have none?
This is what my heart truly breaks over. And I have no idea how to "fix" it. I don't know how to make this right, or even show people that they're not following God even though they think they are. How do you begin to help people realize that we are of a shallow faith? How do we show people that there are still miracles in the world and that God is SO real and is moving in the slums? How do we help them realize that they could be doing mission work in their very neighborhood?
And I have no idea where this passion is leading me. But it's not this classroom. Not this house. Not this school. It's not any classroom. It's not any house. I would rather be, at this very moment, in that dalit village in Bangalore where I spent a week in September, showing those children that they are loved, and that someone cares to take time to play with them, even if, right now, I can't speak Khanata.
This is where I am at this very moment.
Before I go...
... there is still so much to do!
I'm down to 9 days left here. So, as per my usual, I'm going to make a list of things I have to do so that I keep myself on track.
Get fax from TBC about instruments
Get check for instruments
Write a letter to Geoff about Rock Cottage
Get SoE books back from the bands
Inventory the books and get charges distributed
Put music away
MS reports
HS reports
PACK
buy suits for people at home
Clean office
Get the trio ready for graduation
book taxi
I'm sure there's more to do, but that's what I can think of right now.
Planning my trip home is difficult. There is so much I want to do! I am slowly prioritizing and trying to find people to meet me in the middle rather than driving every which way. That's what happens when your friends are spread out all over the place. So we'll see.
Got a present from a student today. AwW! and last week I got a card from a student. So cute. Kids are funny like that.
I need to go get started on grades.
Peace.
I'm down to 9 days left here. So, as per my usual, I'm going to make a list of things I have to do so that I keep myself on track.
Get fax from TBC about instruments
Get check for instruments
Write a letter to Geoff about Rock Cottage
Get SoE books back from the bands
Inventory the books and get charges distributed
Put music away
MS reports
HS reports
PACK
buy suits for people at home
Clean office
Get the trio ready for graduation
book taxi
I'm sure there's more to do, but that's what I can think of right now.
Planning my trip home is difficult. There is so much I want to do! I am slowly prioritizing and trying to find people to meet me in the middle rather than driving every which way. That's what happens when your friends are spread out all over the place. So we'll see.
Got a present from a student today. AwW! and last week I got a card from a student. So cute. Kids are funny like that.
I need to go get started on grades.
Peace.
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