Home away from home away from home...

So, life is complicated. It always has been and always will be. But WHY? That is really the question. I really wonder why it is more complicated than it seems it should be. Is it the government? Is it nosy people? Is it taxes? Is it the internet? I don't know why, but I do know that there are certain longings in my heart that most things can't help with.

What are the longings of my heart?
-To spend more time with my family. Having daily life with them and enjoying eachother's company.
-To be in SE Asia. God really placed this country on my heart and it is hard for me to not be jealous when I hear of people who are going over, are over there, or live there. I want to be there. I want to keep serving.
-I want to help. I want to use the gifts God has given me and help people. Whether that is helping someone laugh today who hasn't, or making dinner for someone. I just want to help.
-I want money to grow on trees. That's the truth. :-)

I'm sitting in my home away from home away from home away... well, it could keep going. Technically, the house I am sitting in right now was my first home when I was a baby. That's funny when I think about it. I'm sitting here, enjoying a quiet day at the house because it is too hot outside to do anything. I have the pleasure of having the a/c run around me all day to keep me cool. I have clean water to drink. It is not complicated or a life-changing decision for me to take out a box of mac and cheese and make it with my cousin. But man, I sit here LONGING to be overseas, where things seemed so much more complicated, but were really just more simple. I enjoy the simple life.

When I return south, I will be moving into my own place. I will have somewhere to live for what I hope to be the next three years of my life. A place to come home to at the end of the day. I place to welcome other people and share my life with them, and them to share their lives with me. It's hard to compare my "first home" to the home I'm moving into now. My first home had cement walls, a gas stove, an electric oven, a small fridge, a tin roof, and a steel pot belly used to heat the house. I'm moving into a place that has real walls, power, clean water... and I want the simple. The simple is so annoying when you're trying to bake cookies and power goes out, or you're trying to take a shower... It's annoying when all of a sudden it starts raining and the hole in your roof continues to grow... but man, life was so much simpler.

I'm in my first home, thinking of MY first home... and preparing to move into another home... it's a crazy feeling.

This summer has been amazing. I have enjoyed the time with family SO much. They have really made what could have been a long and boring summer fun and exciting. It is ending too quickly. In a week and a half I will be back down south, moving my stuff, and wishing I could spend just one more day with my sister... one more afternoon with my cousin... one more evening with my aunt and uncle... another morning with my father... You don't get to do this often, but I'm glad I had the time this summer to do it.

Home is a good place. No matter where it is.

O, and did I mention that I miss Asia?

Stories, stories, stories...

So, I've been back for a few days now (probably about 9 or 10), and MAN! I could tell you some stories. I've had some freak-out, anxious, happy, sad, down-right depressed, and even ecstatic moments... It's been a whirl-wind to say the least.

One of the things that helped me last week, though, was a devotional that just hit me where I needed it and said to just do what God was calling you to do. He told me to go to seminary, so that's what I'm doing. There will be rough times, but they will get better. America is so much more different than what I remember, and that's probably more because I have changed, rather than it has changed. (However, I think the debit cards on snack machines are new. I have NEVER seen that before!)

I have been driving again, and I realized just how MUCH I missed that. It has been great to drive again (paying for gas, however, is NOT great).

I will be moving into my own place in August, and I'm really excited about that, but a little appalled at how much things cost... that is not going to be fun!! However, I *DO* like decorating, and have already been planning everything.

I'm going to head off for now, but expect some stories at various points of time. They WILL be coming.

Much, much closer...

Ya know, life is funny.

I haven't been too terribly emotional about my leaving. At least not in public. However, it's the littlest moments that make the emotion come out. Today, it was in hanging out with a friend and her son. Knowing I won't see him learn to walk. I won't be around to drink tea with my friend. To bother during the day.

Eating lunch or dinner with friends, knowing our conversations won't happen again. At least not in the same way, and not in the near future. The baby who pats your arm as you pat her back.

The friends who stop by your office on the way to theirs.

The high five in the staff lounge.

Knowing someone else will be sitting in 'your' chair next year.

Knowing you won't sleep in your house again.

The end is so close. But that also means so are new beginnings. I try hard to focus on the new adventure, but closing this chapter is not easy.

I'm really going to miss my friends here. (And my students, too.)

Before...

So, it's almost time for me to go home. And that is crazy insane. There is still so much to do that I can't even believe it. But what has really struck me is connections.

Facebook is an amazing thing. Through it, I have found friends from high school that, otherwise, I might never have heard from again. My best friend from growing up was found, and now, I don't just get to hear about her life when I head up north and I'm at church, but I actually KNOW what's going on in her life, and can talk to her.

It also allows me, at times, to talk to people who know the 'old me'. Sometimes that is comforting, and sometimes, it is terrifying. Talking to someone who knows where I've come from is also someone that knows my weaknesses. They aren't blinded by whatever I seem to be now. They aren't fooled when I talk about certain things.

But they also understand that my biggest fear going back is:

Who I was before.

Does that sound weird? Because it shouldn't. I've changed a lot since high school. And yet, I'm going back to the same area. I'm going to be in the middle of the same place where some of the worst times of my life happened.

And I know my faith is stronger than it was before. I know I'm smarter than before. I know God's strength is bigger than I could ever imagine...

But I know who I was. And I don't want to be that person again.

That is the hardest part about going back. But telling someone, someone who knew me back when, was a relief. And hearing them say "I see you're pictures, and you look TRULY happy in them now" is comforting.

I'm different. God continually shows me new things. And he never leads us somewhere that He will not keep us.

No matter what we were 'before'.

Opposites.

Now, most of you know that I'm not an overly emotional person. I don't cry (at least not in public), and I'm generally calm headed.

However, there are times when I'm so angry I can feel it pumping off of me. When I just don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling in that moment. Again, these are rare moments, but they sometimes lead to people seeing how much I care in very unexpected ways.

But that gets down to the point: It's because I care SO MUCH. See, I don't do things that I don't care about. And when things start going the wrong way despite my actions, I get upset. It starts out with me working even harder. (And let me tell you, I WORK, so to work HARDER is nearly impossible for most people.) But when things happen over and over again to push against that work, I get angry. When it gets to a point where you feel you are backed into a corner, it's natural instinct to claw and fight your way out. And all my mind is telling me is: FIGHT IT! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! DO THE *RIGHT* THING!!!!

In this situation, I'm not even going to be here for it to affect me. So why do I care? Because I worked so hard. Because I spent days from 7am to 10pm in my office. Because I stepped in at the hardest time of the year. Because I have done everything in my ability for these students and this program and this school.

And then it feels personal. Because it seems like all that work is being ignored. In one decision, a person can knock down what it's taken three years to build. And that feels like a slap in the face. Right to the heart of me. Because that's what I used to get through the hard times before: my heart. My heart for these kids. For my colleagues. For this program.

So now, I'm trying to learn the opposite of what you'd think I'd learn over here. I'm trying to learn NOT to care. And not to the point of being apathetic. But to the point where it's not personal. No-one is saying anything about me PERSONALLY by making these decisions or saying certain things. They are doing what they believe is best. At the moment, my opinion isn't irrelevant. I'm still the one signing the papers, and paying the bills. But as soon as I leave, it is.

For all I know, the day I leave could be the day they decide to scrap the program entirely. But that's not my call. They could sell all the instruments, but that's my call.

At the end of it, I know I put my heart and soul into the program for three years. Completely. I worked hard and advocated when my colleagues felt like they weren't being heard. When my students had complaints, I listened and tried to help them find the solution. When a staff member needed help, I met with them. When something needed to be done, I got dirty and did it.

I'm not afraid of hard work. I like it. It keeps me motivated.

And I'm going to try to be my opposite. And learn to keep it all in perspective.

::sigh::

More and more (or less and less)

My time is dwindling... and how am I spending this weekend? Stuck at home with a fever and no energy to get out of bed. I feel significantly better right now than I did 24 hours ago, but I hope some more rest will leave me ready for the last two weeks of school.

The to-do lists keep getting longer and the time keeps getting shorter. There are less than two weeks until the last day of school (11 days actually), and 13 days until graduation. Slightly more days until I leave this place.

I'm trying to use up all the stuff in my house, getting my packing under control. Cleaning my office. There is so much left to do. Life will be taking a big change at the end of the month. I hope America is ready for me!!! :-)

Anyway, I'm going to run off now and sleep some more.

Wow...

I'm really bad at blogging. Sorry about that.

Today we didn't have school because of local elections. FANTASTIC! I really enjoy not having school randomly. Not that I don't love my students and my job, but it is really nice to have a day off. I also really needed the day off because I felt my cold coming back last night. I could feel it in my throat, chest and head. I've been fighting this cold since January and it's been coming and going all the time.

I got sun poisoning over long weekend (the first of the month), and just now my scales are finally gone (seriously, I looked like a snake), but there are a lot of scabs where they were. Sun poisoning is NOT FUN. I cannot wait until it's all gone and my skin looks normal again.

The music festival went off well last month, and since then (other than long weekend), I've been helping prep the Easter Cantata. It's starting to come together and it will be good to see the completed performance.

Now, we're really on our way towards the end of the semester. There's really only 5 weeks left until the last day of school. It is crazy how fast each semester goes. There is a lot left to do before the end of school. Pray I can get it all done.

I had some interesting conversations over the last few days. It fascinates me what students wonder about, and it's nice to sit down with them in a casual setting and have the conversations they don't normally get to have, and I love watching them question their beliefs and really dig deep for answers.

Not much longer left at all... and working through it... three years passed so quickly... ::sigh:: I'm going to miss this place.