Opposites.

Now, most of you know that I'm not an overly emotional person. I don't cry (at least not in public), and I'm generally calm headed.

However, there are times when I'm so angry I can feel it pumping off of me. When I just don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling in that moment. Again, these are rare moments, but they sometimes lead to people seeing how much I care in very unexpected ways.

But that gets down to the point: It's because I care SO MUCH. See, I don't do things that I don't care about. And when things start going the wrong way despite my actions, I get upset. It starts out with me working even harder. (And let me tell you, I WORK, so to work HARDER is nearly impossible for most people.) But when things happen over and over again to push against that work, I get angry. When it gets to a point where you feel you are backed into a corner, it's natural instinct to claw and fight your way out. And all my mind is telling me is: FIGHT IT! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! DO THE *RIGHT* THING!!!!

In this situation, I'm not even going to be here for it to affect me. So why do I care? Because I worked so hard. Because I spent days from 7am to 10pm in my office. Because I stepped in at the hardest time of the year. Because I have done everything in my ability for these students and this program and this school.

And then it feels personal. Because it seems like all that work is being ignored. In one decision, a person can knock down what it's taken three years to build. And that feels like a slap in the face. Right to the heart of me. Because that's what I used to get through the hard times before: my heart. My heart for these kids. For my colleagues. For this program.

So now, I'm trying to learn the opposite of what you'd think I'd learn over here. I'm trying to learn NOT to care. And not to the point of being apathetic. But to the point where it's not personal. No-one is saying anything about me PERSONALLY by making these decisions or saying certain things. They are doing what they believe is best. At the moment, my opinion isn't irrelevant. I'm still the one signing the papers, and paying the bills. But as soon as I leave, it is.

For all I know, the day I leave could be the day they decide to scrap the program entirely. But that's not my call. They could sell all the instruments, but that's my call.

At the end of it, I know I put my heart and soul into the program for three years. Completely. I worked hard and advocated when my colleagues felt like they weren't being heard. When my students had complaints, I listened and tried to help them find the solution. When a staff member needed help, I met with them. When something needed to be done, I got dirty and did it.

I'm not afraid of hard work. I like it. It keeps me motivated.

And I'm going to try to be my opposite. And learn to keep it all in perspective.

::sigh::

More and more (or less and less)

My time is dwindling... and how am I spending this weekend? Stuck at home with a fever and no energy to get out of bed. I feel significantly better right now than I did 24 hours ago, but I hope some more rest will leave me ready for the last two weeks of school.

The to-do lists keep getting longer and the time keeps getting shorter. There are less than two weeks until the last day of school (11 days actually), and 13 days until graduation. Slightly more days until I leave this place.

I'm trying to use up all the stuff in my house, getting my packing under control. Cleaning my office. There is so much left to do. Life will be taking a big change at the end of the month. I hope America is ready for me!!! :-)

Anyway, I'm going to run off now and sleep some more.

Wow...

I'm really bad at blogging. Sorry about that.

Today we didn't have school because of local elections. FANTASTIC! I really enjoy not having school randomly. Not that I don't love my students and my job, but it is really nice to have a day off. I also really needed the day off because I felt my cold coming back last night. I could feel it in my throat, chest and head. I've been fighting this cold since January and it's been coming and going all the time.

I got sun poisoning over long weekend (the first of the month), and just now my scales are finally gone (seriously, I looked like a snake), but there are a lot of scabs where they were. Sun poisoning is NOT FUN. I cannot wait until it's all gone and my skin looks normal again.

The music festival went off well last month, and since then (other than long weekend), I've been helping prep the Easter Cantata. It's starting to come together and it will be good to see the completed performance.

Now, we're really on our way towards the end of the semester. There's really only 5 weeks left until the last day of school. It is crazy how fast each semester goes. There is a lot left to do before the end of school. Pray I can get it all done.

I had some interesting conversations over the last few days. It fascinates me what students wonder about, and it's nice to sit down with them in a casual setting and have the conversations they don't normally get to have, and I love watching them question their beliefs and really dig deep for answers.

Not much longer left at all... and working through it... three years passed so quickly... ::sigh:: I'm going to miss this place.

Music Festival

Tomorrow will be the first ever Music Festival at school. We have invited another school to come and we will be doing workshops and rehearsals for two days and put on a concert at the end of it. I will be at school bright and early in the morning to get it all started.

It will be very good to have this done. I'm really excited about it, but I'll be very glad when all the work is done. :-)

If you are my friend on facebook, you should follow my 365 album. My life is insanely boring, and I often forget to take pictures, but hopefully you can just follow along and get an idea of what goes on over here.

Two weeks from right now, I'll be on the beach enjoying the sun. I'm so excited about it! It's going to be wonderful! I'm just going to relax. That's all.

But for now, I'm heading off. It's almost time for bed so I can be up and at it tomorrow morning... and believe me, I'll be drinking a big cup of chai in the morning!!!

Whew...

Busy, busy, busy. That's the theme of March.

I just got back from a trip out of town and really enjoyed it. Got to be part of something that I haven't been to yet, and it was wonderful. A good time with great people is always welcome!!!

And now I've really started the cleaning up process... Sold some of my stuff tonight and I'm making lists for gifts and just trying to get everything together to take back... thinking about how I'm going to pack and what needs to go back, what doesn't. Really just prioritizing my needs.

::sigh::

I'm even considering carrying a third bag pack with me because I just don't know if I'll have enough room. It's not that I have all that much stuff myself, but I brought a lot of material for the department that is my personal property and will need to come back, as well. My personal things actually aren't that much. I'm selling a great deal. But alas.

Working on it.

Lots to do before I go. And, as my mom keeps reminding me, there's not a lot of time left...

So, who's feeding me when I return???? ;-)

Slowing down

So, while my computer was dead and gone, I really took time to slow down in my life. I was at school until at least 7pm every day, but when I got home, everything was different. I turned on worship music, cooked some dinner, sat at the table and ate it, read some, and then went to bed.

My computer has been back for a couple weeks and I'm on it all the time again (probably not as bad as I was before it broke, but still a lot)... I use it to check my work e-mail as soon as I get home from work. I also check it right before I go to work... as if in the 10 minutes that it takes me to lock my door, walk to work, and unlock my office (and vice versa) an e-mail would come that's so vital those 10 minutes are HUGE....

Sheesh. I don't need that in my life. Time to make some rules. I downloaded some books onto my computer when it came back, but ya know what? Reading a book on the computer is not nearly as satisfying as having the real book in your hands. I do not like it nearly as much.

I need to limit the internet. Limit the videos (movies, tv shows, etc). Limit the e-mail. Sleep at regular times. Eat at regular times. Be normal. I just read an article about being too attached to technology. Yepp, it's definitely my vice.

More another day...

Groundhog's Day

So, does anyone know if the groundhog saw it's shadow? Not that it really matters to me, but as there's been a lot of snow on that side of the world, I imagine you guys would appreciate the end of winter.

February is bringing with it a lot of adventures. Field trip is two weeks from now. Two weeks later I am going out of town for a personal trip. Two weeks after that, we are having a music festival with a school coming here. Two weeks later, long weekend. Then three weeks later, the Easter Cantata, followed the next weekend by the final concerts. My final concerts at the school. Carnegie Hall might be having some representatives come during this time, too.

A lot going on this semester.

I am doing a lot of work beyond just my normal work.

Working on enjoying my time here before I go anywhere.

Tired. Love you all, and I'll write more later!