The gift of words...

I haven't been able to figure out where I've been recently. Working through things, and some days, just trying to get through things... or just trying to get through... Depends on the day...

Realized this morning in church that I'm in the desert, and just because I'm in the desert doesn't mean I'm alone. He's with me even there.

But really, even before church this morning, I was given two words from Him. They have helped me along through the day and will be next to me in the coming days as well. The words He gave me are:

"Let Him" - Lay the burden on Him. Lean on Him for strength. I don't have to find the hope. He IS the hope. He is everything. And He gives it to me before I even ask. And if I can't ask Him myself, find someone to ask on my behalf. That's the hardest thing I think I've ever done. But ever since I did that, it's been so good.

"Victory" - We are given victory in Him. He promises it to us, and gives it to us no matter what. Victory is mine in Him. This battle will be won.

Two really good words for me today. And something else hit me a while ago.

There's a difference between "how are you" and "how are you feeling"... I'm blessed. Even if I'm not always feeling my best. :-)

Another year...

Another year of school starts tomorrow. We've been working and getting ready for this since early last semester. Trying to get everything in order for it all, making sure we're prepared, and praying so much. It seems as if we're on our way, and the beginning hasn't been very stressful. There are mistakes being made (and, yes, I've made some of them), but slowly they get figured out. I've been interested to see how things have panned out as far as students going and returning and am constantly surprised.

My to-do list is never ending. My school diary is already demolished by my writing in it. I am exhausted. And yet, life is good. I don't know what I'd do if I lived a boring life.

We watched a video the other day called "Seeing Red Cars". It's about how we tend to get what we focus on. Think about this: you just bought a new car. It's red. You drive around and all you see is red cars around you. True? When I bought my Alero a few years ago, I remember driving around and noticing Aleros all over the place. Same thing when I had my Cirrus. It's interesting. But I've noticed how true it is. I focus on how blessed I am in my life and the great people that surround me, so that's what I see.

I'm currently trying to help one of my colleagues be more positive. He says that when he's angry, he thinks of solutions, but what is really happening is he's frustrating the people around them who don't work like that. I hope I can help him see that it's different being frustrated and trying to find a solution, and being angry and pulling it all down. I've also learned a lot about how I'm leading my department. I mean this in the sense that I have learned why I try so hard not to be angry. Too often, musicians (artists in general) are seen as emotional, irrational, and just plain non-accommodating (stubborn). This has been proved in some instances, but I try very hard to be calm, rational and able to compromise where it's logical. I've seen their pre-conceptions proven to them, and I don't want to be like that. I want to show them that everyone wants what is best for the students and that we are willing to work toward that.

I won't go on anymore tonight because I need to sleep. I have to be up in the morning and moving stools and stuff so we can play for opening assembly. Not really looking forward to it, but hey, we all do our jobs, right?

<3

Home again, home again,

jiggety jig.

I don't know when this place became home. When I drive up the mountain, and reach a certain junction, I know that I'm almost there. I wait to pass the waterfall that signals the journey is almost over. I drive onto my compound, greet the watchman and he opens the gates. I drive up the hill and here I am. My keys open the door and I walk in and collapse on the 'couch'. Home.

But it is. I'm at home here. It's comfortable.

I had a really good week away. Lots of laughs and jokes and memories that will stick with me. Even a few cuts to remind me of our adventures. ;-) I wish I could have stayed longer, but now I am back and will start work tomorrow.

My water purifier is not working at the moment, so I went to boil some water earlier and when I went to check on it, it was SO dirty. Like, dirtier than normal. So I went out and bought some bottled water. Hopefully they will come tomorrow to fix it.

Just a quick update. Maybe one later this week after I finish this new book. The priest in it has made some interesting statements, but I'd have to go back and find them. Maybe I'll do that.

Town is abuzz... summer is over... here come the staff and soon, the students... another year is set to begin.

Accountable

I need to ask a favor of anyone and everyone who is reading this: I need you to hold me accountable. I have been sick recently. On that front I am doing significantly better than I was a week ago at this time. Resting up and preparing for a trip out of town and just generally getting ready for the new semester that begins in two weeks.

But I need to be held accountable to my life. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone reading this, but recently I've had an emptiness where my heart is supposed to be. Now, I know a lot has happened in the last month, and that being so physically sick makes your emotions go all over the place, but that is not all. I am literally feeling empty. I cannot feel Him near me right now, and I know that He is distanced sometimes, but there's still more to it than even that.

I have realized that parts of my old self still remain. The parts of myself that believe I am not worthy of care. The parts of me that believe that because I am the "lowest of the low" does not deserve to have feelings and for one of those to be 'hurt'.

We are called to be humble, and to not think of ourselves and our own needs above others', but there is a time when we are in need and we have to stand up for ourself and call out for it. I am really bad at that. I will call out to God for help, but I won't call out to someone that has offered themself. There is always some reason to be quiet, and no matter what it is, I will put it ahead of myself and how I'm feeling. It doesn't matter what it is, I consider it more important than myself.

I have wondered at times if I have this thing they call "self-defeating personality disorder", but only a few of the criteria apply to me. I know I have the tendencies, but as a whole, I do not think it is me.

I have a lot to learn still in life and part of that is this: I am worth it. My life means something. I mean something. I matter, and at times, that means 'interrupting' something.

I am working on not being so evasive when answering questions about myself. I am learning to be more open and honest in all areas of my life, but I need the people in my life to hold me accountable for knowing when to step back and rest, when to push through, and when to call out because I can't do it on my own.

I read somewhere the other day, and I wish I could remember where it was... ::leaves to look it up::
FOUND IT!
"If I had my life to live over" by Erma Bombeck and the first one is "I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day."

I have GOT to learn that one!

Done for tonight. I love you all.

Thankful

I know I keep saying it, but I will continue to say it forever: I am so thankful for the people that surround me. I got pretty sick earlier this week and had to go get treated for it on the plains. I had them let me out as soon as possible (before fever was gone completely) because I desperately wanted to be around my friends. My heart aches when I'm not around these people. Physically, I may not always feel 100%, but when I'm with my friends here, I feel significantly better.

My heart actually aches when I'm not here. How does this place ingrain itself so quickly into the heart? People become your family in ways that I can't even explain. My heart expands and fills with the sight of these people (no joke). Even looking at pictures brings a smile to a part of me so much deeper than my face. My fever is still not gone, but my heart feels so much better, and that's what counts, really, isn't it?

Our C'hristian family is so big, and I can't even fathom how much love there is within it. He is so good. So good.

What makes us different?

Where I live, everyone has idols on their dashboard (and by everyone, I mean the taxi and bus drivers). More often than not, they are H'indu gods. Sometimes they light up, they play music, and are adorned with flowers. But on Wednesday, as I headed down the mountain for a quick trip, I realized my driver had one on his dashboard. But there was a c'ross hanging from the rear view mirror.

I was perplexed. I began looking closely at the idol on the dash, and realized, "HEY! That's Mary holding J'esus!"... Yes, you heard that right. It was a C'hristian idol on his dash.

So that brings me to the point: If I hadn't looked closer, I would have assumed he was H'indu. That is what the culture here knows: idols on the dash.

So what makes us different? As C'hristians, aren't we supposed to go against the flow? Aren't we supposed to set a different example? We are not to follow the ways of the world, but to honor and obey the loving Father. Are we doing that if we just adapt the worldly patterns into ours? We are not to worship idols, and yet, some have made idols of our L'ord.

Just a thought to ponder... There's a lot about this is the book "Holy Subversion" by Trevin Wax. I suggest you read it and look at the idols that we have made in our lives...

Summer Fun

Summer has been off to a busy start. I've gone to the big city, the small city, interviewed two candidates for positions, had meetings, cleaned rooms, requested money, sent money... Countless numbers of things. It's easy here to hermit yourself and never leave the house, but I've made a point of every day getting out. I don't think there's been a day yet where I haven't left my house. It's good.

In the last week I've cooked two big dinners and had people over to partake. The first night was a dinner full of country cookin': shake and bake chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, applesauce, vegetables, and butterscotch pie for desert. The second night was ziti, garlic bread, chips and salsa, and chocolate pie for desert. I love cooking.

An infection I've had for the past two weeks is still hanging around but it's slowly getting better. All that's left now is really just a sore throat. So thankful.

I went to an import store a few days ago and found Reese's cups! Big ones and little ones. I was very excited. They cost a bit, but, sometimes you just have to suck it up.

Tomorrow, I will write about "What makes US different"... don't let me forget. It's about idols.

I'm slowly making my way through my new books (both actually new and new to me). I've read about five books already this summer, and am now starting on another. This one is called "East of the Sun". I'll let you know about it when I'm finished.

Love you all.