"Do not be discouraged..."

When I was looking at that verse yesterday, I was reading it in respect to the past. Looking at how everything turns out well in the end.

Today, I'm looking at that verse for encouragement to keep moving forward. I am very discouraged and worn down by my current work situation. Trying to make a band work that has no shot, trying to make a schedule work, that all it does is frustrate me. For some reason, today feels like Monday. Maybe because yesterday I wasn't on main campus at all, but still, it's been a long day already. It frustrates me that "extra" classes are changing my students' schedules STILL and trying to make me change a schedule I worked hard to make manageable. It frustrates me that people are coming to me asking for special permission to let one of their advisees into lessons: the answer is no. It frustrates me that nothing is getting accomplished when it's supposed to. That I've been waiting all day for someone to make a simple phone call and it hasn't happened. It frustrates me that people think it's okay to try to fix a problem AFTER it comes up, when it was brought to your attention earlier. It bothers me that I'm teaching double what "core subject" teachers teach. It bothers me that music is 'valued' here, but does not get the time of day. It frustrates me that people come to me for information that should be coming from my boss. It bothers me that while I am working so hard for my students and this school, there are still people here that don't realize anything they are supposed to do.

And now that I've written this. I'm going to go spend some time in prayer before my next lesson so I don't go insane.

<3

Fear

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

As we enter from phase to phase in our lives, it is common to be fearful, terrified and discouraged. But we have to remember that God is always with us. God was with me when I moved here. He was with me as I travelled home this summer, and as I returned for another year. He's with me for every trial he sends my way. He stays by my side even when I forget that He's there.

As doors are opening for new conversations and relationships with people around me, it's easy for me to get scared and forget why I came here. It's easy to try and sit back and pretend that God means nothing in my life. Okay, it's not easy, but it's can be more comfortable to pretend that all I do is teach in my classroom.

But I don't. As students sit in my office and ask me questions, I give answers. Honest answers. Kids always know when we're telling them the truth and they call you on it. Believe me, they do.

So pray with me as God opens new doors and provides opportunities for me.

I miss you all, and love you, and can't wait to see you again. But until then, I will live and work here, and enjoy it. :-)

"Wait she's dead? Is she okay?"

My students crack me up beyond belief. There are two in particular who are always in my office and we were just having a conversation and they asked where someone I had mentioned was, and I said "O, she died a few years ago." And their response was my title. They are really smart. And by smart, I mean special.

I'm sitting in my office, listening to thunder, feeling chilly, and planning for band. The new campus switch has made this band difficult to plan for and to make effective, but hopefully that's changing. Currently on my schedule are 41 periods with 4 band planning periods on that as well. So, 45. Take away 6 periods for lunch and that's 51. That's 9 periods "free". I wish it felt like they were free, but there is always something to do or something to get ready for.

It's easier this year in the sense that I know what's going on, I know what I have to prepare for and how much time I have, but it's difficult in trying to keep everything organized. I've got so many things that need to get done to make this year effective for me and for my students.

I don't know what the bug is going around, but people keep making sly comments about how long I'm going to be at the school. My students today were like "Well, you're going to miss us once we graduate." NB: They're in 9th grade! Someone on staff said something much a long those same lines that implied I was going to be here for about 4 more years. Maybe I'm just noting them because of decisions I made this year, but I'm definitely hearing them.

And of course, this makes me anxious for news from certain schools, but considering I JUST applied and no-one has returned to school yet, I don't know why I'm so anxious. So, I'm just taking my time and relaxing and enjoying things.

<3 More some time this weekend probably.

Oops...

It's been a bit longer than I meant for it to be. With school starting and trying to get everything worked out, it's been rather hectic. I'll be at the ES compound 3 days out of a cycle, and traveling back and forth, basically. I really hope things get worked out so I can do my job.

Otherwise, not much has been going on at the moment. Just kind of waiting for the school year to pick up and have a routine again. I wish I had a more exciting update for you, but as of right now, I don't. This should change soon. Just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive.

:-)

Mountains...

As I was driving from Madurai back to my pleasant hill station, I found that I often get excited when I see the first glimpse of the Palanis. And as you drive, you drive towards them, beside them, away from them, and eventually, up them.

This time, on the way back, I was still excited, but I got thinking. Each mountain gets taller and taller the farther you drive. By the time you get to the ghat, you are travelling up what I consider to be one of the tallest in the area. I live at the top. There is not much more above me (except clouds), and that is interesting to me. I litterally jumped to the top of the hill. Forget training with smaller mountains, or going through any sort of preparation, I just jumped to here. I skipped what would normally happen. I'm just that sort of person, apparently.

That really makes no sense... I'll have to come back and make it better some time...

This time last year, I was still getting used to crossing the street in India. I was unsure of myself and my way, and how to get things done. This year, it is so much different. I'm back, and I walk in between two lanes of traffic on the road. I'm not scared to cross the road, nor am I timid about asking questions of people in the shops where I go.

However, in the past year I've learned something about myself. Something that my aunt and I have in common. If you expect me to be somewhere (not like, professionally related, but socially), and you put pressure on me to do that or be there, I will probably balk. Invite me, sure. Tell me about something. But don't pressure me. The more you pressure me, the more I don't want to be there or do what you are doing. I understand your meaning behind it, but it does not work that way with me. I feel like it finds its origins in my past. I used to use certain bad habits as my way of controlling my world and my emotions. It was always easier for me to say "no" to food when someone was pressuring me to eat or shoving it at me. If you were forcing me, it was out of my control, and I didn't like that. So, in a way, this is still out of my control when you are trying to force me to go somewhere, and so I balk. I don't really like it sometimes, but it's what I do. There are times when I'll make myself go anyway, but normally, there is some better use of my time anyway.

I don't know. It's just weird. I'm back for a second year, and had a great time while I was home and I'm missing people more than I ever thought I could. I'm anxious to get my future sorted out while still trying to be present in the moment.

I'm reading a new book now, and I'm excited about this one. I'll tell you more about it later, but I can already tell it's a book that I will highly recommend to other people. I've also got books that I need to buy that a friend has recommended for me.

::sigh::

I love you all.

Discernment

This is a blog asking for prayer. Please join me in praying for discernment about the present and the future.

I spent some time today in my church's sanctuary. Crying and praying. As I think I said in my last entry, it is MUCH harder to leave the second time. But I spent a lot of time in prayer for particular people in that church, who are either going through some rough times, have meant a lot to me, or were just laying on my heart for various reasons. I prayed for the church as a whole, and as individual people. And for programs and events they have coming up. Just taking some time to thank God for everything He has given me here at home to come back to. And of course, asking for strength to get through the transition back to India.

And then of course, I spent some time talking to pastor. And it was a good chat. Which got me to doing some thinking on my way home.

In the Catholic church, the term "father" is used for the priests. Normally, it is just a formality and people say it for that reason, but it means more than that. As a priest in that denomination, you are the "father" of the people in your congregation, serving more than just the purpose of priest. Now, I don't know the exact philosophical or theological history of why that word is used, but I think it might be interesting to find out, but on a personal level, it means a lot to me.

On the home front, it's never been quite easy for me, for various reasons. I know that, I've come to terms with it, and for the most part, I take care of myself to make it function, rather than let it pull me down. But because of that, my pastors have always meant more to me. They have taken the place of certain biological members of my family that weren't necessarily what they needed to be to me. My first pastor was my pastor for the first 11 years of my life. He moved to a different church around the time we moved to NC, and I haven't seen him since, but he still holds a huge piece of my heart, and I miss him a lot. We moved to NC, and for the first little while, it was a little bit hectic here on the church front, but eventually it settled down, and there were two pastors, and they both mean so much to me. I hope they read this so they can understand what they mean to me, but you never know with the internet. Both of them have helped me in more ways than they can even believe. Without knowing it, taking on roles that every child needs in their life, but, in current times, seem to rarely get.

Of course, there have been other people that have meant the world to me as well. Creating what I consider my home. Kyle Matthews, in one of his songs says "My heart knows where home is," and it's true. When I see these people, I feel at home like I do with no-one else. (I'll leave out last names so you don't know them!!! HAHA!), they are Darlene and Earl, and Sky and Ernestine, and then Mike and Patty. Three amazing couples and families that have meant so much to me in my life in NC. They are always on my mind and in my prayers. Coming back to NC was made complete when I walked into our church for early service and the first people I saw were Darlene and Earl. That meant I was home. My heart was where it needed to be.

It truly is hard to go back this time. And I pray that I'm doing the right thing in going back. That I'm doing the right thing applying for seminary. God told me I was going to seminary about this time last year, and I've spent a lot of time praying about this and trying to find Him and His will. As I've told many people before, He knows I like to have the whole picture, so He teaches me and makes me trust by showing me piece by piece. I often have to step back and abate my jealousy when I meet people to whome He has shown a grand picture and then works with them to get there.

But I don't know my final destination. I don't know where anything is leading. And sometimes, that is very hard for me. But, if anything, it grows my faith even more. I forget who used this illustration, or where I read it, but it said that with every step the board on the bridge comes to your foot. It does not show up before you take the step, but only after your foot is coming down to the air.

So here I go, building a bridge one faithful step at a time. Pray with me as God leads me and slowly shows me where He wants me.

<3

Discipleship and Missions

So, I'm in America, and I've been here for about a month now. That is hard to believe. It's actually to the point that I'm preparing to say goodbye again. This morning was my second to last Sunday at FBC. I almost cried. Next week, I can almost guarantee that I will. It's much harder to leave this time and I'm already feeling it.

With America, comes driving. I get to drive! And with driving, comes thinking! Driving has always been where I've done a lot of thinking. Sometimes even talking out loud to the radio, or just the empty car. Something about driving clarifies things for me. Much the way running and biking used to. I hate going to a gym though because if you talk to yourself there, people think you're crazy!

Anyways... in the past year I've just been kind of exploring what awaits in seminary for me. What course-work do I want to take? Should I go for ordination? Where is seminary going to lead me? Is it worth the money to go do this if I honestly think I might live in India for an extended period of time?... etc...

Brought me to some concentrations you can do: Missions and Discipleship. There are some amazing schools that don't offer anything specific and broad about missions. This kind of bummed me out. There are some schools that have awesome discipleship programs.

And all this led me to the fact that discipleship and missions are the same thing. Granted, one implies finding non-believers with whom to disciple, and the other implies discipling someone already saved, but really, they are the same thing. In order to be effective in any setting, you are creating disciples. I feel that many people forget this. They forget the connection... the Great Commission said "Go and make DISCIPLES of all nations", not "go SAVE all nations." God wants disciples all over the world. He wants people who are yearning for a relationship with Him and learning and growing closer to Him. Not just people that are baptized and then forget that there's more to being a follower of Christ.

There's so much more to this in my head, but that's the jist. I just feel that discipleship is lost in a lot of ways in America due to the disconnection everyone has, thus the lack of deep relationships. We were created for community and unfortunately, don't live in it often enough. In community with our neighborhood we make relationships that lead to discipling someone. Without community, we disciple ourself and that doesn't grow the Kingdom.

I've also learned since being at home, that when you serve in another country, you are also serving at home. When you come home, you are educating people all the time about another culture. Always a teacher, I guess.

But I'm having fun, and loving reconnecting with friends and family, and getting my fill of unhealthy American food.

I'm really going to have a hard time leaving again. But, it's all for His glory, and thus, it will be okay.